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Off Topic :
They came and got my son today

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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 5:54 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Until this morning, my son was in our local county jail. There were some relatively small charges. He has been there almost a year.

But he was indicted in May on a federal offense, and has been waiting since then to be picked up.

I just got a text from his lady that he had been picked up.

He is actually anxious to get started with whatever time he will be in prison.

Hard to type that.

He believes that when he is finished with federal time, the local charges will be rolled into it, and he will be done. Whereas time he has been in county jail does not count toward federal time.

I can’t believe I’m in a situation to even know that fact.

I don’t know where he’s going now. If he will be taken to the state capital, or transported to another state where he will be held until he goes to court. And then after he is sentenced, he will be sent… it is my understanding… to one of three federal prisons. I haven’t seen him in almost a year.

I have read that they try to give prisoners a prison location as close as possible to their family, because family visits keeps prisoners more manageable.

I can only hope and pray it will be close enough for us to visit him as often as possible.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:32 AM, Friday, September 9th]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754373
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 6:36 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

I am so sorry to hear this WR. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Especially added to the medical scares you've been going through.

Praying for you. Keep posting, we're listening. I've followed your other thread, but am not in the medical field, so can't help you much there.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 839   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8754383
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 7:51 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

I'm so sorry WR. Sending you prayers and strength.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2914   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8754399
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 10:08 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Thanks. I appreciate it.

I think this day is especially hard because I haven’t seen him in so long. I haven’t seen him or touched him. I tried to go to some of his local court dates, but they kept being postponed, waiting for this federal business to be taken care of. Just to see him.

Now, I just don’t know what the timeline is.

I do feel totally grateful that my husband seems to be doing pretty well right now, and that gives me hope that we will be able to visit the prison where my son finally ends up, And be able to spend a couple of hours with him one day. Where we can see him face-to-face, and even touch him.

And he and his dad can be together.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754425
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 10:31 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

((((WR))))

I'm so sorry, I'm sending out lots of mojo and I really hope he ends up close enough that you will be able to visit with him.

I sent you a pm.

((((WR))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8475   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8754431
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 12:53 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Whatsright, I am so sorry.

But look at it this way -- he's on the road to freedom. I don't know about your state but so many states are realizing they need to help prisoners re-enter society and HELP them - with housing, job training and placement. There is a world of good resources out there when he gets out. So think positive and soon you will be able to see him.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8754449
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 1:25 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Thanks so much.

The best thing about all of this is that from today on, every day he is incarcerated will be applied to his sentence. Even before a conviction/plea deal. This past year won’t help him out.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754452
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 1:42 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

At least the clock is running now. ♥️

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8754455
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:05 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

So sorry to hear this. He’s blessed to have a family who cares.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8754456
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 3:42 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

I realize that I whine a lot, but there is a lot to be grateful for.

He is finally getting the wheels going to start the whole federal mess.

He has a great lady standing by him, with their son. (2 1/2 yrs old)

And he is a good person. I know that with regards to the subject not to be spoken of here, people are in disagreement with me when I say that you can be a good person who does a bad thing. I believe it applies to all kinds of things. And I believe it applies to what my son has done. I will NEVER give up on him.

He called me tonight. He is at the new facility. It is in an adjacent state. He will remain there till his case is completed / resolved. Then off to where he will be sent for the duration of his sentence.

😞

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754468
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:52 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

As a parent, I am so very sorry you are going through this.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1016   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8754470
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 12:04 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

This has to be so hard for you. I’m glad the clock is ticking now, and that you can see the value in that. You are a devoted mom.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4966   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8754511
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

WR, I have to disagree with you on this:

I realize that I whine a lot, but there is a lot to be grateful for.

YOU DON'T WHINE!!!!!!!

You have so many difficulties, and I am so glad that you feel able to share them here. That's NOT whining!!! laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh

I know how hard this situation is to accept, I totally get it. I think you are right in putting the best 'spin' on this. His trial or plea will come up and he will already have served part of his sentence. No more 'borrowing from Peter to pay Paul' (ie, stay out of jail now but still have to go later).

You're a strong lady, a strong mother, a strong wife and a good friend. smile smile

((((WR))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8475   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8754518
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 6:16 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

You are too kind to me. And I appreciate it so much. ❤️

He called me yesterday. He is so upset because his baby is sick.

I totally get that he is where he is because of his horrible choices. and I know these will be valuable lessons when he is out, and making choices in the free world again.

But he’s so scared about not seeing his dad in person again. And then yesterday his baby got very sick with a pretty high temperature. he is so tortured about not being able to be home with his family and help her out with the kids.

I hope he has a very long memory. I hope he never forgets what he feels about the mistakes he is made, and the bottom line consequences.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754826
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 7:45 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

((((WR))))

Yes, we can only hope that his thinking process matures while he is away so that he associates all the criminal activity with missing out on his child, his family, being stuck in jail.

Hang in there, you've got this.

((((WR))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8475   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8754840
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:40 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

I have this life-philosophy of everything you experience having a reason or purpose. Even the crappy things and even things you can’t really control.
If I remember correctly your son has addiction issues. I don’t know the scope or depth, but his actions leading to his arrest were while under the influence. In prison your son will have two options: He can decide to do all he can to make the time go by fast or he can decide to make use of his time…

To make time go fast prisoners use drugs. Those can be legal drugs that are misused (sedatives, ADHD drugs etc) or they can be illegal drugs or alcohol made/smuggled into the prison. For every strategy the guards have to stop this the prisoners find 10 new ones.
If you can convince your son that this is NOT the way to go… That this experience can be some years wasted forever, or some years used to become a better man.

If he decides the later then enter the prison AA or sobriety program. Not just to fill out a chair, but to actively participate. Suggest he fill his time with ANY activity that might be on offer – be it reading classes, woodwork, Bible-reading… whatever.
It might not be interesting, it might not make time fly the way a Ritalin-induced haze might, but its both the key to a better life AND possible early release.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10918   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8754907
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 2:44 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

Yes, Bigger, I agree totally.

And I believe my son agrees. He has told his lawyer (public defender) all about his drug issues, and his neuropsychological evaluation every two years of his life between age 4 and 16.

He has asked her to please do what she can to get him into a certain 18 month drug program… Depending on which facility he is ahead in the end.

He is anxious to get a job. He is anxious to participate in recreation. (after he arrived at this new facility, which is actually a county facility where he doesn’t even have his own cell… Just community bunks an open area… He was so thrilled to find out that they actually have a weight machine and different actual weight machines for different exercises. Where he was until last week, he would just do dips in stairwells and find ways in his cell to get resistance so he could work out. Sit-ups. Push-ups. He has gone from about 140 to 188 in the last year… Pretty much all muscle.) And he’s already reading his Bible, and other books as well.

I guess you never really know what someone is going through, but I do believe that he’s trying to put up a strong front for me and for his lady. And his dad. But every time I ask him if he is doing OK, how is your state of mind, etc.… He tells me that he’s doing fine. That he knows how to do this. That he keeps his head down, Minds his own business, and doesn’t get into any one’s business.

If he is excepted into that drug program, I think he said some thing about after completing 18 months of that program, it takes an additional 18 months off of his sentence.

I’m not sure, I’ll know more after he speaks with his public defender. The also gave her my number so she could speak with me, as well as his lawyer from here.

Bigger, any other suggestions you have for him, I would greatly appreciate it and will pass on to him.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754925
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 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 2:50 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

He has always wanted to be a barber, and even started barber college at one point, but the drug issues got in the way. He is very much hoping that wherever he ends up, they will have barber school there and it would be possible that he could leave prison with a certification. He would love that.

I wanted to ask a question to anyone who has knowledge of the prison setting. Right now my son is in another county facility in an adjacent state, that is like a holding facility for people facing charges.

Once his case is over and he has been sentenced, of course he will be moving to a federal facility. Every now and then I ask him about that, and he tells me not to worry. He tells me that it’s not like on the TV shows, that people don’t walk around murdering each other. That he knows how he needs to act in order to "get along" well in that setting.

What I wanted to ask is, Is he just trying to help me not be so scared? Do they keep non-violent prisoners separate from violent prisoners?

In my small confused mind, knowledge is power. And I just want to know how it really is there. And I want to know what I can do to help prepare him if he’s not ready.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7634   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8754926
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 5:53 PM on Monday, September 12th, 2022

His time served will be what he makes of it, Whatsright. Advise him to try to get into EVERY program they offer be it drug treatment of education or training opportunities. He needs to keep busy doing positive things while incarcerated. Not be idle. Keeping in good physical shape will be a plus. As I stated previously, states are learning that helping prisoners with work and housing and other benefits AFTER release brings down the chances they will re-offend. Keeping prisoners locked up costs the states and taxpayers money and they are realizing the REHAB of prisoners is much smarter and cheaper. The prison system went to hell in a handbasket for so long but now it appears they really ARE trying to change their manner of dealing with prisoners.

Tell him to be careful of the friends he makes while incarcerated. Be selective, keep busy so other inmates will see he has goals to do his time, better himself and get out - and hopefully never to return. Prison gangs are common so he needs to be TOO busy to get recruited into that area. There are definitely drugs in prison. One of my clients said it was so easy to get drugs if he wanted them - while at the same time it was impossible to get cigarettes or a Coke or Dr. Pepper. Dirty Prison guards and other personnel will often bring in drugs or cell phones to make extra money for themselves, which is a shame. Most are grossly underpaid so see a chance for extra dollars. Tell your son to BE SMART and keep his "eyes on the prize" - which is early release and being united with his family. Family support is super important to prisoners and will help him very much so hopefully you all can visit.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3284   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8754946
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