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Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS - Part 15

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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 4:28 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Was there anything your BS would ask that you didn't remember but we're able to remember after some digging? Is this a thing?

Yes. Of course, there was a very long interval between D-Day, when I confessed the bare bones of the affair, and D-Day 2, when BH figured out that I had minimized the scope of it. You'd expect that I would forget things over a period of decades, but you'd also think that there would be a priority order where I would remember the incidents that were most important. It doesn't work that way, though. It's not that I don't remember anything damaging -- I had to admit details to BH that will haunt him forever-- but some of it is genuinely and completely blank.

After I accepted that BH could only heal if he had the full truth, I went back into everything I had saved from that time period in my life that might trigger memories. It was before cel phones, and I had deleted all of my emails with the OM (or more accurately, didn't print them when I printed the contents of my account off the university server before graduating; this was so long ago that I didn't own my own PC, so I had no electronic means of keeping anything). There also wasn't a lot of physical evidence to begin with, as OM and I lived across the hall from each other and didn't have to put much in writing. But I had calendars, ticket stubs, gifts, and a box of old letters OM sent me after the A but before NC. From this, I was able to piece together the timeline. Sometimes it wasn't consistent with what I remembered, and sometimes it didn't match BH's memory either. There were several instances of proof that events didn't match either of our versions of the truth. But seeing what was there in black and white often gave context to isolated memories, and that helped me unearth further details.

WW/BW

posts: 2952   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8756994
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Howcthappen ( new member #80775) posted at 6:50 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Did the look of the affair partner matter to you? My FwH says that it could’ve been anyone. She was not attractive. She had red hair and I feel like maybe now he notices women with red hair more. Or maybe it’s that I notice more.

Do you still look at women who have the same features as affair partner and if so is it because you’re looking for her or you’re more attracted to those features because of the AP?

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 19   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8757230
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lrpprl ( new member #80538) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Something BraveSirRobin posted made me think of this. It is about compartmentalization. I have seen it used by cheaters on Surviving Infidelity.

I have researched the subject on the internet and the articles most often comes up in addiction, where the person with the addictive behavior might be in denial of what is going on in his life. He might say something like, "I don't have a problem with hydrocodone because I have a prescription for it." Even if he has a prescription for it, he might still be abusing it.

I remember once my older brother... an alcoholic... tell me one time that he had been going to AA meetings, but he was not an alcoholic... HUH??? I just looked at him I guess with an incredulous look and he repeated, "I am not an alcoholic. I am just doing it for my children". I dropped the subject. Is compartmentalization and denial the same?

There was a series on Netflix called "Bordertown". The lead detective acted like he might have been on the spectrum. He would go to a crime scene and look around, while he would have a finger pressed against his forehead. When asked what he was doing, he said he was putting items from the crime scene into different rooms he created in his head. Then, any time he wanted he could go back to that room in his head and recall all he put there.

My question about compartmentalization is suppose a cheater had a rendezvous with his or her affair partner. When he or she left the "crime scene" so to speak, did he or she put the memories of what just happened into a specific area of their brain, and did not think anything more about them? When they got home to the wife/husband and children were their thoughts only on their families at that point? Or, when they were interacting with their families, would they have intrusive thoughts of the fun they just had a few hours earlier? Can a person with good compartmentalization skills keep intrusive thoughts out of their mind?

I hope what I am asking makes sense.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8757266
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:42 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Hi HowCHappen:

Do you still look at women [or men] who have the same features as affair partner and if so is it because you’re looking for her or you’re more attracted to those features because of the AP?

Well, I REALLY affaired down. So, NO, not looking for the features of my AP at all. Although, I have to say, he's not a disgusting person, physically (good hygiene, not overweight), he was not handsome by a landslide. I chose him as an AP because he was already pursuing me and feeding me all the positivity that was completely lacking in our M.

lrpprl:
Compartmentalizing is a large feature of WS's skill set in engaging in and maintaining an affair. I am able to dissociate quite easily due to childhood abuse and thus was able to compartmentalize various aspects of my life easily. I learned to keep my home life separate from my school and friends life, and carried those skills into adulthood. It wasn't a means to "maintain an image" so much as a survival skill to have some peace in my life away from my home. I would share my home situation with close friends/boyfriends. Just not the acquaintances I would have from school and extracurricular activities.

This continued into my M when things got bad. I compartmentalized my home life from my work life and with acquaintances from kids' school. I would put on a happy, frantically busy volunteering super woman face. With my best friends, I would vent. I tried to address the hurts and pain with my husband, but as he was the source of much of it and my communication skills sucked, it only did more damage. So, since H wasn't listening or respecting me (and really how can you respect someone when they're yelling at you), I sought more and more outside validation, leading to my A.

I'm finding that the more I'm healing, the less I'm able to compartmentalize. The mental and emotional strain of all the years of "not troubling" others or frankly hiding from H's parents (per H's request) the level of disaster our M had become had broke me. I can't physically go back to that behavior any more. I just don't have the level of tolerance for that kind of stress or cognitive dissonance. I can't and won't do it. I don't volunteer, I don't over work myself and I really don't keep up with such a wide variety of acquaintances. I really am isolated compared to where I was before. I'm rebuilding that support system now, but it looks very different from what it was before.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8757339
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lrpprl ( new member #80538) posted at 5:30 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

MIgander: Thank you for that response. I appreciate it.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8757375
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 9:50 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

I have so many questions, 2.5 years out from dday. But the one I think presses most on me is this:

My R is a mess really. My WS isn't able to get where he needs to be, but even so, I've watched my H go to hell and back to stay in this marriage. He might not have done "the work", but he's given up a job he loved, friends, he's moved to a place he hates, and he's patiently and lovingly endured 2.5 years of tears and fights and hard times. For all his flaws, he's not left my side.

So I guess he must love me and value the marriage. Even though the A would indicate it was worthless, the fact he's fought so hard to restore what he had with me shows something.

So my question is: Assuming all the WS on here must deep down have loved and valued their BS... why was it worth risking? What was it about the A that made it worth all this?

My WS wasn't "in love" with the AP, but he was addicted in a sense. To a woman who wasn't physically his type. Who was much older. He says it was "two screwed up people thrown together with alcohol and similar childhood trauma". His relationship with her was toxic, volatile and not really loving on either side.

He says by contrast our relationship was the best he's ever had. That he loved me and always has. That it was always me.

Can anyone explain to me why or how a WS makes these decisions?

BW - DDay Nov 20, LTA during LDR.

In limbo with R. WS very resistant to doing the work, so we're stuck

posts: 194   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8757418
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Graceloves

I can say without hesitation that my A wasn’t worth it. Here’s what I got from my AP; some kissing, some blowjobs and a bunch of smoke blown up my ass. You know, how much of a great guy I was etc.

In return, I betrayed my wife, my child and myself. I now have a lifetime of memories and knowledge that I shit on the best thing that’s ever happened to me. No matter what I do, I can never erase that. I’m a better person than I was 6 years ago, but I still cheated on my wife.

The A was just the pinnacle of my selfishness. I didn’t care about the consequences because I was getting what I wanted. At the time, that’s all that mattered.

Me -FWS

posts: 1983   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8757419
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 11:21 PM on Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

Ff412

I really appreciate the reply, but can I ask...

What changed?

If it was worth it for blow jobs and some smoke up your ass... what made it stop being?

Why didn't you know you were sitting on the best thing that ever happened to you?

I'm sorry for all the questions. This is just the part that haunts me.

BW - DDay Nov 20, LTA during LDR.

In limbo with R. WS very resistant to doing the work, so we're stuck

posts: 194   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8757432
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 1:14 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

GraceLoves

Towards the end of my A, my AP and I had a fight and didn’t talk for a number of months. I started ready about infidelity online and came across an article in an AskAmy column. Long and short of it, woman cheated on a girls only vacation and became pregnant as a result. She couldn’t hide the pregnancy because she was white, her husband was white and her AP was black. I remember being absolutely horrified for the husband and the situation he was able to find out he was in.

After that, I found SI and started reading the JFO forum. What I read there really shined a light on what infidelity really is and the devastation it brings. I had totally bought into the bullshit narrative that Hollywood sells us about affairs.

It was around that time my AP and I started talking. We had plans to meet up and I tossed and turned the night before. The day of our intended get together, I ended the A. I finally grew a conscious and knew I had to stop.

Over time, reading and posting here helped me see myself for who I really was. I wasn’t some nice guy who just made a ‘mistake’. I was a selfish cheating asshole. I finally stopped and looked at my wife as a person and not just something to satisfy my needs. What really knocked me back on my heels was realizing all of the things my wife did for me selflessly. She stood by my side through some of the worst periods of my life. And I repaid her by having an A.

Me -FWS

posts: 1983   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8757451
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 1:43 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

Thank you. You gained awareness and grew. My heart hurts a bit because there's a loveliness to that. I'm glad for you.

BW - DDay Nov 20, LTA during LDR.

In limbo with R. WS very resistant to doing the work, so we're stuck

posts: 194   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8757456
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 12:35 AM on Friday, September 30th, 2022

A theme that keeps coming up from WBF is how he would "never forgive" if I did what he did. That he would be livid. He doesn't understand how I can be so calm. How I'm not throwing him out. etc. etc. etc.

I'm really confused by all of this. I can't tell if he just has zero respect for me now because I'm trying to work things out with him or if he wants me to punish him somehow. I would love a WS to shed some light on it.

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15709   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8757589
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:44 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2022

Hi Hurtbs,

I remember feeling relief the times when H would rage at me early on. It communicated 2 things to me: he cared enough to be angry, and since he was punishing me, I could start to be absolved from my A.

I think the whole, "I would D if I were in your place" thing is a bit of a cop-out us WS's do. Like a game of chicken. "If you D me first, then I'm not such a bad guy." Or a sense of relief at not having to face the damage and grief we've caused with our A because the M is over for sure now and we can just pack up and leave the mess behind.

Selfishness of us WS's I guess. Let's make the biggest mess in the world and find a way to weasel out of cleaning it up.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8757953
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 4:58 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2022

Thanks MIgander. right now, it feels like he pulls away when I want to be close, but if I pull away he pursues. It's really frustrating. He seems to relish in me "punishing" him but struggles with my need for him to provide me support in the form of affection and affirmation.

I also know that he is currently in a deep depression. It started just before his trip and the ONS (likely was a significant contributing factor). I feel like my frustration and anger is something he can "feel" vs. my needs.

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15709   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8757959
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 9:05 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2022

I remember doing this too- the see-saw back and forth. Yes, sometimes in depression I can feel so numb that even pain would be welcome because it was something I could feel. He may not be able to respond to your needs because he's so deep in the hole. I hate seeing what my depression/suicidality after DDay did to my H. It really set us back a whole year... took me a whole year to get strong enough to even start listening to him.

Really, until he gets stabilized and can start coming out of his depression, there's not a lot to work with. The best thing he can do to show you he's serious about recovering and attempting reconciliation is just that- recovering from his depression. Once he gets serious about healing his depression, he will show you that he's getting serious about healing the M.

No healing of self, no way to heal the M. Can't hold up a bench with a cracked pillar!

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8758101
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hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 1:52 AM on Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

Thanks MIGander. What I'm really struggling with is "is it depression" or "is it fence-sitting" about the relationship. I don't think he's in contact with the AP. I could be wrong. I've learned to trust my gut on these things. She lives 3,000 miles away. Honestly, my biggest fear is that he did this to blow up the relationship. Either because he's uncomfortable with things going well OR he just wants out and doesn't know how to end it himself. Of course, it just could be the deep depression and the A and his post A behavior is a part of it.

Me - 40 something.
WXH DDay 2006, tried to R. Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15709   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8758125
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SqueakerFeeder ( new member #81071) posted at 3:29 AM on Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

How did you decide between your AP and your BS? My husband confessed to being in love with the OW a bit more than a month ago and has since moved himself and her into a new place.

He says he loves and misses me and that he regrets how this all happened, but he won't leave the OW. He said the night he left, in tears, that he didn't think he'd survive losing her.

I guess I want what I can't have -- what are the chances he'll come back to his family? I know you can't tell me this, but any insights into how the limerence worked for you would be much appreciated.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8758259
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 5:49 PM on Saturday, October 8th, 2022

SqueakyFeeder

How did I decide? In the end, I developed enough of a conscious to end the A. There were more than a few moments during my A where I questioned myself about what I was doing. I knew that I was viewing my relationship with the AP through rose colored glasses. I only saw her for an hour or so at a time every month or two. So I did have some time to reflect on things a little bit although not so much in the beginning.


Towards the end of the A there were things she said/did that put cracks in this perfect image I had of her. Now I did think about leaving my wife a time or two but I simply couldn’t do it. Perhaps I’m kidding myself but I like to think it was the little bit of common sense I had left that stopped me from making the second worst mistake of my life.

I feel I have to comment on this:

He says he loves and misses me and that he regrets how this all happened, but he won't leave the OW. He said the night he left, in tears, that he didn't think he'd survive losing her.

I have to say that your WH is full of shit. He has no regret except for maybe how hard this might be for him. Not for you, your kids or your families. I urge you to go NC and move forward to get as far away from this guy as you can. He isn’t your friend as friends don’t pull this kind of crap on each other

Me -FWS

posts: 1983   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8758747
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:07 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

Hi SqueakyFeeder (I love your name btw),

It looks like you're really fresh in the JFO time frame. At this point, with that kind of language, your WH is not R material (yet).

I agree with FF, he's more sad for himself and the mess he's created than sad about what he did to you. At this point, it's not uncommon for WS's to mourn the loss of the A. He's still mourning its loss and still is in "head up his ass" mode. It's not a popularly acknowledged truth around here, but many WS's need to mourn the loss of the A before they can close that door and truly focus on their BS's healing.

I wouldn't be too discouraged though. If there are reasons for you to want to hang in there and try to rebuild something in the future with your WH, this is a necessary step for him to leave the A and make peace with it. If he doesn't process this grief, he's likely to keep mooning and pining after his AP (ask me how I know mad - from my MH experience).

Right now, I would focus on whether your WS has been completely honest, is completely open with all his social media, bank accounts, email, texting, etc. I would look for eager participation in finding and sticking with a good IC to help him figure why he is broken and how he can fix himself. If he's doing those things, there's hope. If he's at all resisting, it's going to be a long and rocky road.

Wishing you the best, sorry you're here.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8758908
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 3:33 AM on Tuesday, October 11th, 2022

Anyone not have an affair for the sex? Or did you just have sex because you thought that is what they would want to keep giving you the attention you wanted? Like you were worried if you didn't give them that part they would find someone who would and you wouldn't get the attention anymore that made you feel so great?

BS Together for 15 years, married for 10 on D-Day. D-day 1/28/21, 44-day affair. D-Day that is was physical 6/18/21.

posts: 194   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8759011
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 11:55 AM on Tuesday, October 11th, 2022

Or did you just have sex because you thought that is what they would want to keep giving you the attention you wanted? Like you were worried if you didn't give them that part they would find someone who would and you wouldn't get the attention anymore that made you feel so great?

This was my experience and I suspect the experience of many women WS's. Affairs just for sex... I've seen it be more a male thing here (and I'm WAYYY over generalizing). Serial cheater male thing, mainly. Just reading in JFO and D/S forum will show you that anecdotally.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8759040
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