I will answer for my situation but my first thought here is what would be your intent here?
If it’s support you are missing then you do what you need to do to get that need met. Choose carefully those who will have little to no judgment over you no matter what you chose as an outcome.
If it’s hoping that this will change her for the better, like an intervention of some sort- I would say doubtful. There are a number of responses I could think of that would be more likely and none of them are maybe what you would hope.
Ws in general are often self loathing. That is actually the root of how we think and behave. For me shame over the affair was wound in with a lot of accumulated shame that grew since childhood. A lot of unresolved trauma. So that shame was like a big iceberg. I was having trouble seeing all of it and having to try and navigate that with an audience would have been excruciating.
I am mixed on this question because I wish my husband had more pathways for support in the aftermath of my affair. He bottled up a lot and it was bad for him and our reconciliation.
We are surround by others who have their own spectrum of experiences with infidelity. This includes those who would either be triggered by this information because they have been through it, people who have not experienced it have their own untested theories, and either of those could be actually downright clueless about what recovery looks like.
While all the people might have approached me with well meaning, I needed to figure out how to be my own North Star. To find my own beliefs about what I did and why. And what so should do moving forward to support a different way of being.
That being said, his need for outside support trumped my need- hands down. I am the one who made these decisions and there are always going to be consequences that one didn’t count on when they have done something so destructive.
So I believe where this leads me is this. If your intentions are for you to build your own support system, then do that. Do not hold her secrets at your own expense. Sometimes that is the absolute right answer even if the voice that states that need is just quietly nudging you rather than being obvious or overwhelming.
If it’s to get others on your side so that she can see a larger need to be compliant with things she isn’t doing, the odds of that working are pretty low.
I have not read any of your posts so I am operating a little in the dark. I will go and read some of it.
At the end of the day if she is not there trying with you, and she is not doing the work, the best thing might be to let her experience other consequences.
My husband did an in house separation for example. If you need time or space, take it. She will either feel your absence and decide to do something productive, or she won’t. Either way you will have your answer. It takes two very dedicated people to reconcile, and the only person you have any control of is yourself.
So act on your own behalf and do not try and guess the combo of what you can do that is going to make her snap out of it. That’s just manipulation. Not all manipulation has bad intentions behind it. Learning to watch your own side of the street and practice good boundaries will always be more effective in the long run. The best part is it protects you from further abuse.
[This message edited by hikingout at 6:35 AM, Sunday, January 1st]