You blew up my life for "Needs" you still can't articulate
This is pretty much just a vent.
xWBF told me his therapist told him he was having this affair because his needs weren't getting met in the relationship. What were those needs? He doesn't know. He can't articulate them.
I know enough about infidelity to know the whole "affairs happen because of unmet needs/poor communication" catch-all is bullshit. It just fucking hurts to know his therapist is affirming that with him.
Back to NC and 180.
27 comments posted: Friday, December 2nd, 2022
Right now, I'm leaning towards this being a terrible idea and just a way to continue contact (and pain shopping). I bought a place for me and xWBF a year ago and spent a LOT of money renovating it. The place is comfortably affordable on two incomes, incredibly uncomfortable on one. As in, I'm gonna be on a really rigid budget and house poor. I've been looking at options to get a roommate. I'm not thrilled about it, but it is what it is.
xWBF and I are in an in-house separation. He has told me her will give me a year's worth of his share of the "rent" next year, but can't do it all at once. I'll take whatever he gives me, but I'm also preparing for it to not appear (guilt wanes quickly with wayward). Last night, he proposed that he rent the place from me for a year and that I rent another place that is less expensive wherever I want (he knows I don't like the area where we live, but compromised on it so that he could have the space for his business). This would also allow him to easily keep the dog we have.
I told him I would think about it. While it sounds good on paper, I'm leaning towards "no" for a couple of reasons:
* I don't think I have the emotional capacity to find a place and move right now.
* I think that having a "landlord" relationship with him will just be too painful; that we need a clean break.
For those who ask "why not just rent the thing out entirely and go elsewhere" it's not quite that simple. We've only been in the place a year. Market rent for my place is *about* the same as the monthly costs (mortgage + insurance + maintenance). I also live in a place with very strong tenant laws. So if I get a tenant who stops paying or disappears in the middle of the night, I cannot (right now) afford the eviction or carrying the whole costs for several months.
Any input is appreciated.
7 comments posted: Thursday, December 1st, 2022
Some people are just... incredibly unlucky
I had a particularly intense therapy session today. The therapist served as our couples counselor for three sessions until he told us that unless WBF was willing to make real commitment to reconciliation, he could not be of help. After everything blew up, I reached out to ask him if he could be my individual therapist. I figured he has met us, seen us together (and apart) so he may have better insight. And after tonight, I think he does.
I talked to him about the fact that this was my second long term relationship that ended due to infidelity and that I was worried I have a broken picker... that something is wrong with me that I find myself here. He told me that while it's possible, he didn't think I had a broken picker. Rather, as he put it, "some people are just... incredibly unlucky."
I don't know why, but that hit hard.
3 comments posted: Monday, November 28th, 2022
Coming to terms with not having them in your life anymore
We began in house separation while he looks for a new place to live. I stayed at a friend's house this week - giving us both some physical separation. The hardest part for me is coming to terms with not having him in my life anymore. He was my go to person to celebrate and mourn; now I'm mourning us - alone. It's so hard. I have friends and family to support me, but it's not the same.
2 comments posted: Saturday, November 26th, 2022
The Morning After
Edit: I will put the details in my response below. However, i realize that many people don't read through all of the threads. Several people have suggested I lean on family or use my family as a support system. For reasons I will explain, my family relationships are... complicated. They are not going to be my support system through this.
Today is the first morning I wake up as a single woman in nearly 9 years. Yesterday was intense and exhausting. I found out that he rekindled (or continued?) his relationship with AP from the ONS (or was it a ONS?). He admitted it to me after I confronted him with details. He says he doesn't know why he is doing this, he isn't in love with her, that he knows he just destroyed us and blew up his whole life. He seems to feel guilt and shame. But also, I know he is broken. He is going to start looking for a place and we will try to avoid one another as much as possible in the interim. At one point last night he told me he wants to go stay in a state park for a few days after Thanksgiving and asked if I can look after the dog. I told him I would, he then started to justify it saying things like "I think I need to be alone in the wild with my thoughts..." I cut him off and just said "I'm not your girlfriend anymore. You don't need to justify your comings and going with me. You can go where you want, with whomever you want. You asked me to watch the dog, I agreed. We don't need to discuss it anymore." The look on his face... it was like I slapped him. I think that was when it hit him that it's over; definitively.
He told me that he told his parents we had broken up but he left out the "why." This was my request. I love his family, they have always been veery good to me. However, they're also a big family where everyone is all up in everyone's business all the time and I just can't. Plus, his mother is a BW (there is even an OC) and I don't want to bring up any more pain for her. I really hate that I'm going to lose them too in all of this. I haven't yet told my family. I think I will after Thanksgiving.
I got a little sleep, not much, and woke up at 4:30 am today. I'm going to have some coffee and eat a little food. Then, I'll exercise and go to a museum or something.
Next week will be hard. I'm off of work and he works from home. I'm going to go to my parents a couple of days for Thanksgiving. But visiting my family isn't really a respite. It's exhausting. I love them, they're just... you know.
Anyway, I just needed to share as I'm making coffee and crying.
15 comments posted: Monday, November 21st, 2022
Update to "I think he's' lying"
My gut was right. It's over.
18 comments posted: Sunday, November 20th, 2022
The last month or so I've gotten severe night sweats. I've never had them before. I just had my annual and blood work, so I don't think it's hormones. I'm not ill. I will make up in the middle of the night freezing and just drenched. Has anyone else dealt with this post DDay?
12 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022
I think he's lying
For those of you who know my story, it's my second time on the infidelity roller coaster. I divorced my first WS. I moved on to a new relationship and got hit again. There are two cardinal rules I learned the first time around:
1) Cheaters lie. A lot or a little, overt or by omission, but they lie.
2) Trust your gut.
My gut is screaming. Not sure yet how I will proceed. I have no evidence. Just my gut and two small things that (outside of knowledge he was a wayward) would be meaningless.
6 comments posted: Saturday, November 19th, 2022
In a low on the roller coaster
Just... in a bad head space. All the usual things - exercise, going outside, keeping my routines, not helping right now.
3 comments posted: Thursday, November 10th, 2022
Weekends are harder
During the week I have work and commute and other BS to distract me. It can be hard when I get home. Weekends are harder. I have plans with friends this weekend. Dinner tonight, lunch tomorrow, hiking on Sunday... but fuck. It's a mind-fuck.
I hope you all are radically self caring right now.
16 comments posted: Saturday, October 22nd, 2022
Is it petty to ask him to pay for my sti test?
After D-Day I happened to have my annual exam about two weeks later. I told my OBGYN what happened and got a full panel STI test (vaginal swab and blood work). I have good insurance so my co-pay is negligeable - only like $25. We are together and tentatively working towards R. Is it petty to ask him to pay for my STI test?
6 comments posted: Wednesday, October 19th, 2022
Getting beyond the awkward phase
I'm curious if others have gone through an awkward phase with your WS or BS where everything felt.... awkward. Everything feels hard and distant. You're not hostile, it's just... I feel like I'm 15 years old and trying to talk to a boy I like... who also doesn't know how to talk to girls.
If you went through this phase, how did you get through it?
2 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022
I need help getting out of my own head - pleas share funny stories, jokes, memes
Hey friends. I posted elsewhere that WBF is on a business trip. I'm at home tonight and getting all up into my head. I'm begging anyone lurking on a Saturday night to please share anything to distract me: jokes, funny stories, memes, interesting facts, great websites.... anything.
14 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022
A new emergency contact
He's been my emergency contact for years. Today, I was filling out intake forms for my new IC and I listed my sister as my emergency contact. Something about it felt raw.
8 comments posted: Friday, October 14th, 2022
F&*k I feel like I'm crawling up the walls
WBF left for his business trip; he took the red eye last night. Knew this was coming, it had been planned for months. I don't want to go into details for privacy reasons, but him not going on this trip was not an option. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. All of these terrible thoughts are going through my head. Not just the ONS, but so much else. I keep thinking that he must think I'm ugly, or a terrible partner, or he's embarrassed to be with me....
Before he left, he was incredibly comforting. We talked about boundaries. He's been texting me all day. But it still feels... I mean, he was doing all of these things when he decided to fuck someone else; he literally sent me a "good night baby, I love you text!" and then took up with her.
I am fully prepping for him to come home and tell me it happened again OR to just tell me he's done with us. I feel like I'm crawling up the walls.
God, infidelity is a goddamnned mind-fuck.
18 comments posted: Thursday, October 13th, 2022
"I feel like I broke you..."
Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up in the middle of a panic attack and spent the rest of the day feeling off kilter. I had brunch with some girlfriends with some middling success in distraction.
When I got home, WBF and I were having a conversation (not A or relationship related). He got a little irritated with me (something really minor, think of a disagreement over what to make for dinner level irritation) and I literally broke down crying; ugly crying. I'm not a big cryer in general. WBF stopped in his tracks and started comforting me. I apologized just saying I'm struggling to keep control of my emotions. He told me he had never seen me like this and that he "feels like I broke you..." I responded "That's because you did." He was shaken. I don't think he thought he was capable of doing that; or that I could be broken. I'm a pretty calm person and have been through some shit. He knows what I went through with XWH. We pushed through it. Spent some time (nice) together and I went to bed.
I woke up at 3am and wasn't able to get back to sleep. At 5 am I decided to work out. Now I'm posting here. I feel like I'm about to break down any moment. I just needed to post. I know the only way out is through. Through is just so tough.
5 comments posted: Monday, October 10th, 2022
Woke up having a panic attack
I was ripped from sleep this morning by a panic attack. A hell of a way to start the day. I'm all over the place right now with how I feel. I. just needed to post it somewhere.
8 comments posted: Sunday, October 9th, 2022
OW accusing me of sending her messages about cheating on Social Media
Edit Thank you all for your input. I think you're right, the more I think about it, it seems most likely that OW created the account and sent these messages to herself both to break NC and to make me look crazy and manipulative. You can't just message people on LinkedIn unless you have a paid account or are connected to the person. The connection to my workplace is just all too coincidental. That coupled with her telling WBF he should confess to the ONS all feels very... connected. I even mentioned this during MC and told the MC I felt like a crazy person spouting conspiracy theories. He just kind of, gave a knowing smile and said he didn't think I was crazy and that this behavior wasn't outside the realm of what he had seen with AP's and infidelity. Thank you all for your input and support.
First and foremost, I have made no attempts to contact xOW in any capacity (phone, email, social, etc.).
WBF's xOW is the employee of a client of his. He doesn't work with her daily, but does have to work with her on certain projects; she lives 3,000 miles away from us. Today, while we were talking, WBF told me he wanted to ask me something but he was very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I finally got him to share and he asked me if I was sending xOW articles via LinkedIn about cheating. I was taken aback and told him absolutely not, and opened my LinkedIn on my phone to show him. He said that it was from a weird account with no picture, an odd name, and my current work place (I work for a VERY LARGE company that is a household name). I told him I absolutely would never do that, especially not on LinkedIn and then opened my gmail to start showing him I have no other LinkedIn accounts. He told me it wasn't necessary that he believed me. He said he thought it was just a bot.
This is really bugging me. WBF said xOW sent him screenshots, so I don't think she's making it up. I use LinkedIn extensively and I know you can't just message random people without a paid account. Something about this doesn't feel right... but could it just be a weird coincidence?
Edit for Clarity: They are not fully NC because xOW works for one of WBF's clients. She is the primary point person on several of his projects with them. They cannot be fully NC for this reason.
20 comments posted: Friday, October 7th, 2022
I had covid a couple of months ago and thought that it caused a gout flare. I've never had gout but have some genetic predisposition (it's why I have kidney stones). After not being able to get it under control, Rheumatologist I saw took me off of all meds for two weeks and ran a slew of blood panels. I just got the results (I see doctor next week) and it looks like I actually have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've never had RA before and I'm otherwise quite healthy. The pain is quite bad and it's in my big toe (hence why everyone initially thought it was gout). It does look like there is a correlative relationship between Covid-19 infection and developing RA (but no causative relationship yet established). So... great.
As I wait to see my doctor for the follow up, I'm curious about others and your experience with RA. Treatmeents? Side Effects? The worst part for me is before this, I was very active. I exercise regularly, and focus on weight training. Since it's my foot, exercise has been difficult. I can't take long walks and weight training while on my feet is not always feasible (so no squats, dead lifts, etc.). Are treatments effective and can I get back to my usual routine?
4 comments posted: Friday, September 30th, 2022
Gottman Therapist for MC - Concerned about views on infidelity
We just started MC. Our therapist follows the Gottman method. I'm a little concerned because (from a quick google search) it seems that Gottman's theories tend to place the blame of an affair on the relationship. As in, if the relationship is going well, people don't cheat kind of thing...
I'm still getting a feel for this therapist. He didn't specifically say that. I'm just curious if others have worked with a therapist that uses Gottman method and what your experiences were.
Edit: Quick Edit, the therapist did *not* say that the relationship was to blame for the affair or suggest that I did something. He mentioned the Gottman method was something he leveraged. He also made a point to call out WS's depression and asked him what he was doing to make sure this doesn't happen again.
4 comments posted: Thursday, September 29th, 2022
I want to break things
I keep fantasizing about going home, opening my cabinets, and just throwing all of the dishes on the floor or against the wall. I just... I want to break things. Has anyone else ever experienced this?
21 comments posted: Tuesday, September 27th, 2022
How do you manage crying spells?
I'm struggling with crying spells. Watching television, listening to the radio, driving in the car... if I'm alone at work for a few moments, they come on. How have you all managed them?
4 comments posted: Monday, September 26th, 2022
Am I the only one who is done with relationships?
Big life relationship #2... WS #2. Common denominator - me.
I used to say while we were together that he was the last man I'd ever be with. Not just because I wanted to be with him forever, but because... I'm just done with it all. Pre DDay, our relationship was good. So it wasn't because of that. I just... don't want to go through it anymore.
I'm in my 40's, I don't have children, I have friends and family as well as a career I enjoy (usually).
I think this was my last go round.
Edit: I didn't mean this to be a downer post. Really, what I guess I'm saying, is that I view my new beginning as focusing on my friends, family, and career rather than pursuing another relationship.
17 comments posted: Saturday, September 17th, 2022
Feedback from those with Depression (WS or BS) --> WS & Depression Conversations
Note, WS has a history of anxiety and depression. About 4 years ago, he went through a crisis and started to go to IC (he continues to go to IC). It took him about four months and then, he was "back."
I confronted my WH last night about his behavior post D-Day. Namely that he has been distant and cold with me; like he was mentally/emotionally separating. We ended up having a really intense conversation where he told me that he was in a deep depression.
He said that it had been creeping up on him for the last couple of months and that, just prior to the trip, he had been feeling empty. On the trip, he said that the feelings were even deeper and that he had been engaging in risk taking behavior (e.g. climbing a big rock with no safety precautions where if he fell, he would have died among other things). He said that he thinks he engaged in the ONS because for that short while, he felt really alive, and then he felt empty again. I asked him directly if he was suicidal, he said no. He doesn't have any plans to hurt himself. I also asked him if he had been discussing this in IC and he said no... but he knew he needed to and would see if his IC could move up his appointment.
I also asked him directly if he wanted to stay together or break up. I essentially gave him "permission" to end this relationship and not be the bad guy. He simply responded that he didn't know. He went back to how empty he feels; that he is numb.
There was more to the conversation, but this is kind of where we are. What am I going to do with it? I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to stop reaching out to WS for comfort and reassurance, because I either won't get it or what I will get will feel empty. I'm going to 180. I'm going to prepare for what it will mean to be alone again. I bought a new home a year ago and renovated it for his business needs. The place is mine (I solely own it); I bought more space than I would have needed alone (or with someone who doesn't own a home business) and extended my individual budget more than I was comfortable doing solo because two of us would live here. But I can make it work alone... it will be uncomfortable, but doable. I've been dealing with some things at work that are stressful, I'm going to push through and focus on that as well. I'm also going to try to find an IC. It's so difficult because I work in schools. I can't just leave for an hour in the middle of the day and it's hard to find IC that will see people at 4 or 5pm...
In addition to any support, I would love any feedback or thoughts from people who themselves have gone through depression and can give their advice.
1 comment posted: Thursday, September 15th, 2022
Getting out of your head when you can't move your body
I am normally a very active person. I exercise regularly (lift weights, HIIT, etc.) and love to go out and explore new places, take walks, etc.
However, in the middle of all of this, I'm dealing with an issue that limits my mobility. In July I had Covid. I developed an issue with my foot that my doctor initially thought was gout. however, we haven't been able to effectively and permanently treat it. My Rheumatologist just took me off of all NSAID's and steroids because they want to get some "clean" blood work and imaging for the issue. I am able to take Tylenol or use ice for the pain, but that's it (and it's not effective). My foot is swollen and incredibly painful.
So, no exercise (maybe some light cycling indoors) but walking around is out of the question. I feel homebound. Once I get the tests on Monday, I can go back on meds and (hopefully) back to my lifestyle. In the interim, any suggestions on what I can do to just get out of my head and my space. A restaurant is a solution for an hour, but not many places here I can go and just sit extensively.
13 comments posted: Thursday, September 15th, 2022
Woke up at 3:30 am, went to the living room to cry
I woke up at 3:30am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I've always had sleep issues. My usual tricks of getting back to sleep didn't work. Instead, my head just went to the worst possible places. About his ONS. The thought that this is actually an exit-A. That he will pursue it beyond a ONS. That I'm pathetic for not throwing him out immediately. That I'm pathetic that I seem to pick men who cheat. I'm over-analyzing all of his behavior the last week. I got out of bed to see if I could sleep on the couch and just started sobbing uncontrollably. I forgot how much this hurts after the initial D-Day. I thought I was passed the initial grief, but the sadness and numbness alternate in waves. I'm back at work tomorrow so at least I can distract myself somewhat.
6 comments posted: Sunday, September 11th, 2022
Through some hurdles, struggling with my self-esteem (profanity)
I got the results from my full panel STI test. Everything is normal. I struggle with getting my blood taken (required for a couple of the tests) so I'm sitting with a big, blue bruise on my arm. It hurts when I bend it; yet another sharp reminder of the infidelity roller-coaster.
My WH is remorseful. He's not telling me to get over it. He will tell me to stop apologizing to him when I get too emotional or even say that I'm entitled to feel how I feel.
My self-esteem has taken a real hit. I'm in my 40's. My partner is in his 30's. I take care of myself, exercise, eat right, wear makeup, dress well, etc... but I'm still in my 40's and, as the saying goes, "Time fucks us all." I'm aware of creases in my face or a body that isn't as firm or thin as it once was. It kills me that the OW was younger, prettier, and had a better figure (the same could be said of 10 years ago me). I find myself hiding my body when he's around (going into another to change, etc) because I'm afraid he will compare.
Fuck, I hate that someone else's choices can be such a gut-punch to my self-worth.
I just needed to share.
7 comments posted: Friday, September 9th, 2022
Sorry if Long - Return to SI with a new Wayward.... different type of infidelity, different post D-Day Behavior.... Thinking out
Sadly, this is my second go round at SI. About 16 years ago, I discovered my XWH's affair. We tried to reconcile. Ultimately, we divorced. It was the most painful and humiliating experience of my life. Now, I'm here again. My previous WH, I had to go through discovery, confront him, lies, false-R, "can't remember" nonsense, blaming me for his choices, etc. This experience sucks no less, Wayward behavior is different.
I've been with my partner for 8+ years. We aren't married, but as legally close to it as you can get without a marriage certificate (registered domestic partners and appropriate legal filings, etc.). My partner came home from a work trip last week and was acting oddly. He blamed it on the jetlag which made sense as he traveled over 4 time zones in 12 days working 12-14 hour days. On Friday, he confessed to a one night stand on the last night of the trip with one of his client contacts. He apologized, took responsibility, answered my questions (even the graphic ones), told me who the AP was, didn't even try to blame me or the AP (No, "she seduced me" or "you've been too busy for me" nonsense), etc; he never pushed back on me asking questions. He told me that after it happened, the two of them agreed it was a mistake and are NC except for work (they are copied on the same emails, she lives 3K miles away). Do I believe I got the full truth? Who knows.
Me, I've been on the rollercoaster. I go from sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom to just being numb. I've tried to keep myself busy from scrubbing every surface of my home, to meeting a girlfriend for brunch to just taking a walk (although it's so hot out here it's hard to stay outside for too long).
I'm working on the 180 right now. I plan to make an appointment for counseling. I happen to have my annual well woman's this week, so I will get a full STI panel... I haven't told anyone. Not a soul. When I went through this with my XWH, he was going to ride off into the sunset with the OW, so people knew. Then we tried to reconcile. It was just so humiliating and I can't deal with being gossip fodder yet again.
I'm trying to not make any decisions right now. I am really struggling with this, but in such a different way as the last one. And honestly, it's not even the sex that bothers me the most. Although don't get me wrong, it bothers me an awful fucking lot. I've gotten to this place in my life where I truly believe that people can make mistakes in their relationship and aren't bad people. We aren't our worst decisions and actions. I believe this to the point where I really wish he never told me what happened. However, there's a large part of me that worries he did this because he wants to be single and he wants to force my hand to break up with him. You see, he's a great looking man. He runs his own business, it nearly tanked during Covid, but now it's back better than ever. His success this year has been more than he's made in the last 5 years combined. I wonder if he wants to go off and enjoy being handsome and successful with no responsibilities. He says that's not why and has shared why he thinks he did this (and he is in therapy working through it).
Anyway... I just needed to write this out and be heard. I'm feeling really alone on this. I know I'll make it through the other side. I also know that it will suck getting there. Thanks for reading.
Oh, and can I just do a little OW vent? It really pisses me off that apparently after it happened, OW knew before, during, and after that he has an SO at home and told him he needed to confess to me because cheating on your SO is a really shitty thing because her ex boyfriend cheated on her. That he needs to confess and beg my forgiveness or some shit. Bitch, you lost the high ground when you fuck other people's partners!
5 comments posted: Tuesday, September 6th, 2022
Can someone look something up for me on Instagram?
Thanks everyone! Found a solution!
2 comments posted: Sunday, September 4th, 2022
Long Term Partner Confessed to One Night Stand on Work Trip
I wish I could say this was my first trip to SI. This is now my second go around. The first time was with my ex-husband, he had an affair of a few weeks that I discovered. We tried to work it out but got divorced a few years later. Now I'm back.
I've been with my partner for 8+ years. He travels a lot for work. When he got home from this latest trip, he was acting oddly. He told me it was jetlag (which made sense as he traveled over 4 time zones in 12 days, working 12-14 hour days). Yesterday, he came out of the bedroom and told me (while he was shaking) that he really fucked up. I immediately knew and asked him if he cheated on me and he said yes. He told me he slept with one of his client's contacts (it's a big corporation, and this person is a rep) on the last night of the trip.
I am so overwhelmed right now. Honestly, I think he did it because his business is taking off for the first time and he wants to be unencumbered with responsibilities. Another part of me thinks he just really fucked up. I don't even know what I want.
Before this trip we were building a life together. I bought a home large enough to accommodate his home office (much larger than what I wanted) and renovated for his needs. We were talking about getting married (we are all but married, registered domestic partners and all of the paperwork). And now I feel like I just had the rug pulled out from under me.
And I resent him for telling me. He knows how much my ex's infidelity hurt me. If he wanted out, end our relationship. If you fucked up, deal with it on your own. Don't put this on me. Having gone through this before, I can't help but think about what is wrong with me. The common denominator, after all, is me. It's so fucking humiliating.
Yesterday, after he told me, I went for a bike ride, ran some errands, and cleaned the house. I have a date with a girlfriend today for brunch that I intend to keep. I have my annual well woman exam next week where I now get to ask for a full STI panel. I'm going to start doing the 180 to get me back to me.
God, I forgot how much this hurts.
6 comments posted: Sunday, September 4th, 2022
It's all about the U!!
8 laterals, 9 minutes of referee debate and the play is good!
Wait... no talking religion. Does college football count?
0 comment posted: Sunday, November 1st, 2015
The gosh darn cookies!
It's Girl Scout cookie season! You can order them online now!! Jerks!
So should I get 10 boxes or an even dozen... make that a baker's dozen...
7 comments posted: Tuesday, January 13th, 2015