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New Beginnings :
I don't want to jinx it but....

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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 3:45 AM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

Three weeks into seeing Mr. Tall N. Sexy, and we are really getting along. We were talking tonight, and he commented that it feels like so much longer than three weeks. (It definitely does for me too.) He also said I'm his new best friend. I told him that I'm enjoying the hell out of this phase. He said that he hopes it's not just a phase, and I told him not to rain on my oxytocin and dopamine parade. laugh

I don't know, but I'm just going to keep enjoying the hell out of him and try not to look too far into the future. Every day with him feels like a gift.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8752006
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:10 PM on Thursday, August 25th, 2022

I told him not to rain on my oxytocin and dopamine parade. laugh

laugh laugh laugh

This part is so much FUN...thanks for sharing grin !! ENJOY your time together...and I am looking forward to more of your HAPPY updates smile !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6259   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8752031
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Bingo ( member #72835) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, August 26th, 2022

Oh so much fun....

I'm going to live vicariously through you, Solarchick!

posts: 144   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Florida
id 8752375
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 7:50 PM on Saturday, August 27th, 2022

Do keep us posted 😂😆


"I told him not to rain on my oxytocin and dopamine parade."


Sound reasonable to me lol laugh

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8752553
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 2:41 PM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

Last night we were talking, and I wished him happy four weekiversary, and mentioned that when I see him on Saturday, it'll be a month. He took particular interest in that, and now I'm worried that I need to commemorate the occasion in some manner. Ugh, now I have to THINK about what is the proper level of effort to put into dating somebody a whole month! At 14,that would have been a huge thing, and I would have gone all out. At 56, I have no idea what to do.

Oh the dangers of dating an intelligent and romantic male.

He got me three dozen roses on my birthday. Long stemmed red ones. His romance game is on point. I have felt since the second date that I may be out of my league and need to be on point with this man. He challenges me, because romance is something he enjoys and excels at. Being romantic is new to me and it doesn't come naturally to me.

These are first world problems and I need to stop complaining about them!

ETA: The vision of all 6'4" of him climbing into his Jeep with three dozen roses is something I relish.

[This message edited by Solarchick at 2:43 PM, Thursday, September 1st]

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8753307
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 4:32 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Fortunately, he didn't overdo our monthiversary. Just a single red rose with a sweet hand written card.

He gets me to the point where I get so caught up in him that I literally get dizzy. And I AM NOT a dainty female that swoons. I'm quite the opposite, actually.

This is like I'm being dunked over my head into those feel-good hormones, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

I'd say that I want to just skip ahead to the part where we have a full-blown life together, but I DO NOT because then I'd miss out on all of this overwhelming happiness. Seriously, I thought that I have felt happiness before, but this is that feeling on a new level.

And we don't even have to be doing anything special. We were eating lunch (at the food court at the mall, of all places) and I was just so happy to be with him, doing the most mundane thing. I found myself wishing that I had met him at 16, and we could have had 40 years together so far. But then I remember that I was in no way, shape, or form ready for him at that age. When he asks me where I've been all his life, I tell him that I was getting ready for him.

I needed to go through all of my experiences, learn from them, survive them, to become the person that I am today. I needed to become freakishly self aware, so that I know myself well enough to warn him that as I open up, I'm going to scare myself and pull back from time to time. He just asked me to be honest when that happened, and told me he'd help me through those times.

Sweet mother of all that is holy, I'm gushing. Somebody smack me and tell me to start feeling like a normal person again! laugh

I KNOW that life will seep into this little emotional oasis and things won't always be this rosy. (I can already anticipate future disagreements about traditional household roles.) I KNOW that things about him will eventually annoy me. (Don't get me started on how he folds laundry, even though he tries really hard to fold things as I like them.) I KNOW that I will eventually disappoint him. (Monday's dinner was overcooked. I'm no chef, but nobody ever starves in my house.) I know, I KNOW! But right now, everything is still perfect in our relationship, and I don't even care that this phase is temporary.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8754173
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 5:38 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I need to shut up about things like life not seeping into our emotional oasis, because since my last post, his work situation is getting bad, to the point we've edited and updated his resume and he's applying for new jobs, his muffler fell out of his car, and I think I'm getting jerked around by the insurance company after my car got backed into. Then this morning, we both slept through his alarm, and he was late getting off to work.

It turns out we're there for each other, are good at letting each other vent, and bring some levity to each other when things get crappy. This morning, we were like a well-oiled machine, with him hopping into the shower while I got his coffee and danish ready so he could roll as soon as he was dressed. A not-so-quick kiss goodbye as he left, and he was out the door.

I can feel the waves of hormones starting to return to their normal, non-tsunami levels, and I welcome it.

He told me he's never been to a live concert before, like a rock concert. He's been to the symphony, and asked me if that counts. (Uh, NO.) So I got us tickets to go see Earth, Wind and Fire. It's in 2 weeks and like 15 minutes from his place. I figure I may as well make his first concert a good one.

It was like the karma bus stopped by and dropped off a nice flower arrangement for me, instead of it's usual practice of mowing me down for past transgressions.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8755061
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:43 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

"was like the karma bus stopped by and dropped off a nice flower arrangement for me, instead of it's usual practice of mowing me down for past transgressions"

Hope it turns into a floral subscription!!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1030   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8755180
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 11:28 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Ooooh I'm so happy for you!

I'd say that I want to just skip ahead to the part where we have a full-blown life together, but I DO NOT because then I'd miss out on all of this overwhelming happiness.

I am definitely feeling the above but I too want to keep relishing the overwhelming happiness. We have been officially a couple for a little over 2 months but I met him 10 months ago. It's long distance so it's kind of impossible for us to rush into anything. I try to enjoy the moments we get to spend together. One day hopefully will live together as we have both voiced that would be ideal.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8339   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8755295
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 1:28 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Something interesting happened during the Monday Night Football game last night.

I had put on PJs. Nothing over the top or silky. Just a pair of shorts (styled after men's boxers, but definitely made for women) and a cami. He was distracted from the game by it and I told him to pay attention to the game. He stopped paying attention to the game completely and told me that he was glad that I dressed sexy for him and didn't nag him when he wanted to watch a game. That his exes never dressed up for him (lol, this was NOT dressed up) and would nag him to pay attention to them when he tried to watch football.

Now, I'm into football almost as much as he is, so we were BOTH watching the game together. And since I lost the weight, my wardrobe is fairly body conscious. Nothing slutty, especially if it's something I'm going to wear out in public, but nothing that hides the work I've done to get back in shape.

Anyway, I thought about what he said while watching the second quarter. Kind of mulled it over. I realized that his previous relationships must have been pretty frustrating for him and I became bound and determined to keep my style of dress on point for him. I hate looking frumpy anyway, and refuse to do it anymore. Plus, I happen to like girly lingerie, as long as it's comfortable.

Evidently he thought it over too, because the halftime show was amazing! blush blush

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8756172
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

I'll preface this by saying I am looking through the lens of 19 years with an abusive narcissist. I am now highly tuned in to warning signs and red flags.

told me that he was glad that I dressed sexy for him and didn't nag him when he wanted to watch a game. That his exes never dressed up for him and would nag him to pay attention to them when he tried to watch football.

Something about this rubs me the wrong way. Why does he assume you're dressing sexy for HIM? Maybe you're doing it for yourself because it's comfortable and you like to look nice (which is a perfectly good reason!).

And comparing you to ex-girlfriends also makes me uncomfortable. It's like subtle triangulation; gently telling you what not to do if you want to keep him. ("Dress sexy and let me watch football and don't complain about it") By the way, I hate the word "nag". I think certain men use it to describe any woman who voices a concern or an idea of her own.

Keep enjoying him. But under no circumstances should you jump through any hoops to keep him happy. Keep your outfits "on point" for yourself, if that's what makes you feel good. Just be yourself. Make yourself happy. If he wants to come along for the ride, welcome him! Hopefully he's on board.

I'm a recovering people pleaser, fyi. I won't date again unless I have cured myself of this, sigh.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4418   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8756255
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 6:17 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

WTB,

I too am a narc/socio survivor, and so far, I'm not seeing ANY of those tendencies in him. So if he is one, he's VERY skilled at it. Plus, if he ever does start to pull that kind of crap, he'll be out the door before he knows what hit him. I've learned how to deal with that personality disorder - surely and strongly - so they have no doubt that victimization is just NOT your game.

I'm simply just the kind of woman he's always wanted, but didn't think he could land. laugh

I do look good for me, and only me. Hell, I dug through my PJ drawer to find that cute black pair of sleep shorts tonight, and the only one here to admire my butt was my dog. (She's so over these shorts and did not look impressed. I swear, if a dog can roll its eyes, it's my dog.)

All that said, I am appreciative of the fact that he's appreciative of my wardrobe. Of course I don't share with him the fact that I do it for me and not him. That'd take the fun out of it. laugh laugh laugh

If I worry about anything with him, it's that he's much more conservative and old-fashioned than I am. I run a house where the rules are "if you eat, you cook, if you wear clothes, you do laundry, and if you live in the house, you help clean that house." I blow away his traditional views on men as breadwinners and women as the keepers of the home. I out-earn him, and have a more technical job than he does.

This weekend, we cooked together on Saturday and Sunday nights. On Monday, he made banana bread while I worked. He seems to be OK with me running the house and him doing his fair share of the execution of my plan. THAT is perfectly fine with me, as, having single-handedly run the household for years, it's nice to still be in charge, and to FINALLY have some good help!

He lives in an apartment without in-unit washers and dryers, so I told him to bring his laundry down each weekend and do it here. Whenever he does laundry, he throws in any dirty laundry I have too, and we fold it together. Although I do fold his work shirts, but only because I can get the collars to lay right, and when he does it, they always curl up. He watched me fold them this weekend, and I showed him how I get them to lay right, and he tried, but he still messed them up. He may be playing dumb there, but I'm letting him get away with it (for now). laugh


ETA: It just occurred to me that he may be feeling what I felt for a while when we first met. I really thought "this guy was going to make me bring my A game to this relationship." And I don't mean that with any connotation that this relationship involves any kind of game playing. I mean that I was going to have to be sure to bring my best self to it. And I have. No laziness or tardiness, no wallowing in obsessive self-doubt, no withholding to avoid being vulnerable, no projecting, nothing but my genuine self. He may be working to overcome some of his traditional beliefs that didn't fairly value both people as equally important individuals sharing a life together. Hmmmm....

[This message edited by Solarchick at 6:30 AM, Wednesday, September 21st]

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8756314
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 3:30 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

This all sounds awesome, Solarchick. Sounds like you know what you are doing grin I'm happy for you both! I look forward to more updates.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4418   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8756353
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 3:42 AM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

I just had an awesome convo with Mr. TNS. Probs because between our two conversations this evening, I realized that he is really really good at being my partner. (Not everyone's partner, but MY partner.) He is very reassuring, and it's exactly what I need. I haven't doubted for one second since we've been together that he cares about me. He's very consistent. He's a high communication kind of person, like I am. (My best friend has pointed this out about me on multiple occasions.) I told Mr. TNS how grateful I am for his consistency and attentiveness, and we got into a pretty deep conversation about the whole concept of how we go about being in a relationship, including touching on love languages, etc.

I was not feeling great this weekend - I was sick last week and had a stye in my eye and looked pretty crappy this weekend, and we didn't do much, aside from getting in some killer naps on Sunday afternoon- so we didn't have our usual mode of fitting in as much fun as humanly possible when we were together. I apologized for it this morning, and he told me to just stop it. He told me that he wasn't with me because I was some kind of great party planner and he enjoyed just hanging out and taking this weekend off. He liked that I cuddled up around him and slept through the football game. (Although I was irked that I slept through the Ravens game. mad laugh )

I'm just feeling very fortunate to have him in my life right now. He's just what I need.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8757159
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 9:29 PM on Tuesday, October 4th, 2022

We just spent 10 of the last 11 days together.

He said that he "has plans for me" at some point in those last 11 days. What the hell could that mean????? We haven't even discussed what this relationship would look like in the future, other than that we'd like to be together.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8758217
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