Mine was an exit A. H emotionally abused me, comparing me to OW (EAs), financial abuse. Refused accountability. Blamed it on my volatility, post partum depression and yet actively continued the very behaviors that exacerbated my condition. Unilateral spending, he got what he wanted because he was so miserable with my bitchy depressed self at home and his aspie son who wasnt fitting in w the other kids at school. Refused MC because it was just me bitching about him to the MC. I did a short course of meds and only a 6mo stint in IC and stopped because H said it was expensive and we were already tight on budget. Because H insisted on a house which was beyond our means at the time as we were single income w the kids.
I am not really angry about all this anymore, just incredibly sad that I lived in fear of his anger, criticism, blame and accepted his negativity for me as the absolute truth about who I was. I am incredibly sad that we lived that long like that. That I enabled him so long.
I am sad that I had my A. I am sad I didnt insist on counseling for myself, on balancing the budget, not cosigning on the Mustang that got repoed and accepting responsibility for going to the bank to straighten out ths account and enduring the ridicule and derision of the bank manager and tellers. Im sad I signed the legal waiver on his vasectomy.
Im sad i lived in such fear and was such a coward that I didnt leave him or D him. Instead I decided to have an A so I could for once feel whst it was like to have someone say nice things about me. To have someone to lean on while I waited until the kids were old enough that I could leave.
I chose to stay as H did a good pick me dance. Because, after his continued angry outbursts at me in front of the kids a year aftet Dday, I got D papers written and said, "IC or D." He chose to stick with me through the first year of my suicide attempt and mental breakdown. He also chose to do IC for about 1.5yrs and continues in MC with me. He is starting to open his eyes to what exactly he did to me and our kids in the M. He is slowly showing signs of remorse and small signs of accountability.
I choose to stay in part because of my faith, a LOT to do with raising the kids with full access to them, the home we are building together. The progress we are making in our financial goals and the respect H is now showing to my and the kids wants and needs. I stay because I am challenging myself to grow in strength, growing out of my enabling behavior and growing into more and more the person I can respect and want to be.
H is taking investment into our relationship more seriously. We are doing date nights. We are doing weekends away. Hes apologizing for being so one sided in where we chose to vacation- ALWAYS up north at his parents cottage with his mom and dad there. H learned his negativity, criticism, rigidity and judgmentalism directly from both of them. I had a triple dose of his shit and his mothers overwhelming anxiety and an unhealthy dose of his whole familys enablement of her fear based tyranny. H is stsrting to wake up to this. Which is why I am staying.
In all, the A was the most destructive thing I have done in my life. I do believe that the aftermath is where God is working out my salvation and the breaking of generational chains of destruction.
I do believe that slowly I can find a relstiondhip with my H that I deserve. I also know I am not too cowardly to leave if I am finally done and have to leave to save myself.
So yeah, I was a coward choosing my A instead of standing my ground. I was looking to get out, but I was also so beaten down and so hating myself that I didnt believe I could leave and make a happy life for mysef.
Not all As are exit As. All As are completely unexcuseable and 100% the responsibility of the WS. One of the reasons I am able to forgive myself is the work I have done on myself and the M and knowing that there were a lot of driving forces behind the A. None of which FORCED me to choose the A, but certainly justified me leaving the M. I regret having the A and not demanding better of my H or D. The A was like the Hiroshima on our embattled prior M. I grateful H has given the opportunity to turn the shit show around and grateful that I now learning to stick up for myself and demand the respect and care I deserve.