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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
H is a complete stranger with a second life.

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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 7:47 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Sigyn,

The incessant inward focus and inner dialogue is exhausting. For me it was an inescapable part of the process of just acknowledging what had happened, let alone trying to accept or assimilate it. I had two modes, one acting normal and focusing on my last kid at home and two obsessed and shut down trying to puzzle my life back together. Don't judge yourself for what you are able to focus on at this time, just keep trying to get through the day intact, and let mothering give you a loving distraction from the mental anguish.

It was physically sickening, like vertigo for me, with nausea and panic sprinkled in. Surreal and I thought at times unmanageable, but it turns out we can manage so much more than we think we are capable of. It is very much a rollercoaster ride and you will be churning for a while, wrestling with your head and your heart, looking for a new normal.

Has your WH made any attempt to admit what you know? Is he sticking his head in the sand hoping this will all go away? It seems like you are unable to connect with him because he is still shutting you out. First from the truth, and now from the consequences. I wonder if he had more trips and dates on the books and what if anything he's done to shut down that part of his life. My WH kept juggling both his women while doing damage control on us both. I still resent that, and don't expect to ever get over my anger and disappointment at his continued stupid, thoughtless and selfish choices.

I fought hard to save this marriage, him, not so much. He loves as best as he is able, and I decide daily if it is good enough. I have days I'm sure I'm where I'm supposed to be and others I say be careful what you wish for. There is no happy ever after after a long term betrayal like ours. There is just what you can live with I guess. Take heart that you are in a position now to determine what you are willing to put up with and to put an end to the ugly deception you were subjected to. Go easy on yourself. All that inward focus made me feel weak because I couldn't control my thoughts or how I spent my time. It helped to read and learn how normal this trauma response can be. It may not help in the moment, but in the long view it is a comfort to me that I have behaved normally to an abnormal event in my life. And in the long run, I have behaved in a way that has remained true to myself and honored the life I am choosing to live. May you have the same comfort and eventually, peace of mind. Best to you.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 436   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8753859
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 8:08 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

Sigyn

I'm sorry, this rollercoaster ride is making me so inwardly focused I literally can't think of anything else and it's making me self focused to a gross degree. 

Shock is discussed a lot here and elsewhere. Ive experienced both betrayal by a spouse and the death of a spouse and the shock impact/factor runs neck and neck as to degree. If you look at the Holmes - Rehe Stress Inventory youll see that these events peg the stress scale. It feels like your soul is frozen behind you at Dday though your body keeps moving forward. It caused frantic and endless ruminations in me consisting of "what ifs" and "if onlys", even prayers that it was only a nightmare (yeh, THAT desperate), felt like a hamster on a wheel mentally.....it was exhausting. This will change. Right now you need triage for your mental/emotional well being which is why I hope you have a good support network that you are reaching out to. As others have said, I adjure you to remember to eat and stay hydrated both of which can be a real struggle at a time like this.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 10:18 PM, Sunday, September 4th]

"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8753866
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 9:49 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

You are handling your situation so much better than you realize. Please do not carry any shame that you are focused inward. You have been run over by a semi truck and are trying to process so much. It is OVERWHELMING and does feel like waves of grief crashing into you and knocking you down. Just try to take in a bit at a time. You will know what to do in time. You are probably not in a great position to make a big decision right now.

This post has opened up so much in me as I am grappling with a secret second life as well AGAIN. If I could do it over, I would have put an end to it that first time around. But I believed in his goodness and wholesomeness. It is SO hard to understand this lying/deceitful/cheating person can be the same person as our husbands. Especially when they have a strong image of family man/community helper/church goer/ charmer. It makes you question everything and is is damn near impossible to reconcile the 2 people. It is truly a Jekyll and Hyde situation. And a big dose of gaslighting has you doubting yourself. That is why the lies are such a mind f*&^. You start to question if you are remembering things right, it can't be this way thinking, and confusion that creates inability to see clearly.

Does your WH have any addictions- alcohol, porn, etc?

As hard as it as I would strongly encourage you to believe who your husband has shown himself to be. I've come to understand that part of themselves may go underground, but doesn't go away if there is a personality disorder.

Take the time you need and do not feel pressured to do anything right now. Has he done anything to show you empathy or salvage the marriage?

Breathe, eat, drink water, go back to basics. You do not have to solve this, it will unfold and you will know what to do. Never 100%, but enough to have a direction. Journal and get this out on paper so you can process.

posts: 561   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8753877
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VezfromTaz ( new member #80815) posted at 11:25 PM on Sunday, September 4th, 2022

I suspect because you are an emotionally mature, well rounded person with a good moral code there has been a lot of mirroring going on, including how to resolve conflict. Hence the disingenuous attempts to claim his silence is the same as yours (it’s probably also manipulation and a lot of other messed up things).

One thing I noticed was my ex was never really morally outraged by anything, unless he was currently part of a community where it would be beneficial for him to align his beliefs with the group. Even in those circumstances at some level it seemed disingenuous to me (but I hoped so much it was real). I would get so viscerally outraged by something I saw on the news, or heard about, and he would just sit there like a stone, unless it was a social issue currently relevant to him. He told me towards end of relationship when he was starting to really lose it that he really didn’t care about any of those things - he casually mentioned one day that he didn’t care for anything much at all, including the children or me. He still likes sport and Wealth accumulation though!

I got into yoga/meditation post separation and strongly recommend it. I didn’t really understand what meditation was for until I couldnt calm down/breathe properly/get out of my own head (literally walking from one place to another not recalling how I arrived). There are some breathing exercise apps online as well.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8753891
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redrock ( member #21538) posted at 12:01 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

One more person chiming in to say that you are doing great and to stop holding yourself to an impossible standard.

You can’t schedule your heart and head synch up. It takes time. You are sifting through a ton of information. You are battling with a master manipulator. You are dealing with heartbreak. All while trying to live your every day work and home life without losing it. It is impossibly HARD.

As others have said be KIND to yourself. As kind as you would be to another.

Take breaks from the site and the letting your mind race(easier said than done). Give yourself the gift of distraction, even if it's an hour at a time. Movies, podcasts, organizing, a walk, crafts, put out your fall decos, or a puzzle or game with kiddo.

You have kicked ass. I wonder if now you believe have to make all the right steps and counter moves at the right time because you’ve navigated so well so far. You don’t. You won’t. You fall down, you dust yourself off, you get up again. It’s a process, not a choice.

Take the time YOU need to digest, ruminate, and line up some ducks. You have found your agency, use it as you best see fit.

I can understand why it would seem at times like current WH killed the fantasy H you have memories of. However, the hard part is that he was always this guy. You only met the family man mask, you are newly introduced to the rest of him. It’s not easy to face.

Once you ripped his masks off, it can’t be undone. Even if you could move past it. He may not be able to. You believed him to be a true partner of integrity and he won’t ever get that pure believed reflection of himself from you or your son again.

You are looking for acknowledgement and empathy. And it is devastating that he either doesn’t feel it or won’t nullify his resentment or ego to think of your pain…… or he wants a reaction from you.. or ……. who knows. I’m so sorry he cant give that to you.

You have a great support network that can. It’s not the same. But it can be of help. Sending you hugs and hugs and prescribing a suitable distraction. Movie: Logan Lucky. Game: scrabble. Mystery books series: Travis McGee ( super old but fun).

[This message edited by redrock at 12:38 AM, Monday, September 5th]

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8753899
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 12:14 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

Dear Sigyn - another cheerleader here. I just read through this 13 page thread. Damn, you are navigating this nightmare with strength, honesty and insight! May not feel that way to you as you're living it NOW, but as an outsider looking in I see your resilience. You will survive this and come out the other side wiser, and yes, stronger. Because you have to be the strong one. The safe one. The SANE one. For your kid. You'll do what you need to do to protect yourself because you can't save your child unless you save yourself first.

You've been getting AWESOME support here. Don't have much to add except a couple of caveats. Forgive me if this comes off a bit Cassandra - rather than triaging your immediate situation (which everyone is doing superbly), I'm scouting ahead to suggest some potential pitfalls that may lie in your path as you navigate this bizarro world your partner transported you to. These caveats came to mind as I read your story.

even if he's not a real narcissist or a sex addict the insights still feel like they describe parts of him

The first caveat that jumped out is to be leary of the whole sex addict category. A lot of sexual entitlement gets the label "sex addiction" IMHO. Deceptive sexual behavior, or sexual entitlement, can be a symptom of a number of personality disorders. Think of it this way - deceptive sexuality is a tool in the toolkit or a weapon in the arsenal of a disordered person. It's the disordered person that wields the tool or deploys the weapon. Placing the focus on the tool/weapon rather than the person who used it to achieve a result is misdirection. And PLEASE note there's debate as to whether or not "sex addiction" exists! BluerThanBlue explained this well in another post so I'll cadge from them:

"Also, be very skeptical of applying the "sex addict" label to your husband; it's tempting to accept it because it's much easier to cope with your husband having an illness than it is to deal with the fact that he no morals, doesn't care about anyone but himself, and considers women as objects to be used for his comfort and pleasure.

Even though there are lots of doctors running around with so-called sex addiction therapy certifications, it's not included in the latest edition of psychiatric diagnostic manual (the DSM V), which insurance companies use to determine which mental disorders are legitimate and hence eligible for treatment reimbursement. There is a lot of debate in the psychiatric community about whether sex addiction exists, and if it does, whether it qualifies as its own, distinct disorder or whether it's one of many possible symptoms of other psychiatric conditions and/or personality disorders.

In short, don't get suckered into investing lots of money and faith into dubious sex addiction therapy and treatment programs that are not based on any medical consensus and for which there is very little proof of effectiveness or clinical benefit."

And, if you'll be patient with my theorizing---- it may be more palatable for him to call his behavior a "sex addiction" rather than attempt to understand his motivations. Or even accurately name what he did. Addiction is an illness he can't control. If it's an addiction he's not responsible for his behavior. He's the VICTIM. See how that works? Easy Peasy. So, he'll need "help" to overcome this so called addiction. Which puts the ball in your court, so to speak. And in a twisted way, the cover of being a sex addict may provide ass-backwards image management if the truth comes out to friends, family, and the religious community. If he's outed as a liar, cheat and hypocrite at least the label "sex addict" allows him to hide behind the idea that those behaviors were beyond his control. Maybe even garner some sympathy. Poor guy........he'll need everyone's support and sympathy to conquer his addiction......he wants to be a better man.......and so on.

The second practical caveat that popped into my mind were the downsides to "taking as long as you need" to process your new reality. I don't whole heartedly agree with the "wait 6 months before making any big changes" general advice. Especially in cases like yours. He's cruel, extremely selfish, and unbelievably disrespectful to you. The hypocritical religious front is VERY concerning. Plus he's a thief who stole money from the marriage. Acting sooner rather than later to protect yourself seems prudent. I'm so glad you conferred with a lawyer!

Yes, please do practice self care and give yourself grace. But (here's some more Cassandra musings) - at the same time remember he's a meticulous planner. Easier said than done, I know. Hard to think ahead when the moment to moment reality you're dealing with is consuming every thought. But, he's thinking ahead to how he'll manage his image when the truth comes out. Time allows him space to lay the groundwork for counter narratives - false narratives about you or your marriage. Right now your discretion protects his image. But he's excruciatingly aware he may not be able to rely on your secrecy indefinitely. Do you feel ready to widen your support circle? Getting out in front of false narratives by telling the truth to folks that care about you could put a stop to this common cheater strategy. How about your parents? Your BFF? His parents or siblings? You religious paster/priest/rabbi/leader?

Please include financial safeguards in your self care. It was a rude awakening for me when I realized that it was just possible that a man who lied to my face for two years about an affair may also be capable of stealing from me. No financial infidelity accompanied my husbands betrayal. Lucky me. You already know yours was devious with marital funds. And he's a planner. He stole from the marriage to the tune of $1000.00 per month on top of vacations with APs, gifts to APs, etc. etc. Time may provide additional opportunities to steal from the marriage - hide $$, move $$, spend $$. Please keep an eagle eye on all finances, and separate your finances from his ASAP. Don't let down your financial guard while struggling with the nightmare he created!

I understand your need to slow things down so you can "make good decisions." BUT - Cassandra would like to point out the built in protections when pro-actively filling for D or S. Protecting marital assets by filing is especially important when dealing with a duplicitous (disordered?) partner - like yours. It takes time to go through the steps required for D or S. If you change your mind you can halt the proceedings at any time - if the situation on the ground changes. If you're not yet ready for this step it's totally understandable. Please think about protecting yourself and your child long term. So filing soon is something to put on your radar. To think seriously about. If you're not ready to file maybe discuss financial safeguards available NOW with your lawyer. Taking care of yourself (and your child) must include protecting yourself financially.

My thoughts are with you Sigyn. Hugs to you and your kid.

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:15 PM, Tuesday, September 6th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 63
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 130   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8753902
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 5:55 PM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

You are doing great, as everyone is saying.

It is a death of sorts. You're grieving and the road to acceptance is hard and quite a ways off if the trail traveled by those before you is any indication.

I like CT's advice: one step at a time (or bite as she said it). Self care and boundaries are the best thing for you, for now. The ruminating, the mental gymnastics you're doing now to make sense of your world is perfectly normal - and agonizing. When you can take a break, do so (with self care and boundaries).

It will quiet down, whether you make actual sense of it or not. He is who he is and I subscribe to the notion that someone can be a cheater and also be the person you thought they were. You just didn't have the whole picture. Now you do.

He's the man that loved and married you, loves his child, cares about his standing in the community and perhaps genuinely likes helping others. He's also the guy with deep issues who acts out who he can't be in public in the darker spaces. It's ugly and painful, but how he got there isn't your issue, accepting this is who he is will take time.

posts: 249   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8753990
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 Sigyn (original poster member #80576) posted at 9:45 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

I'm having a much stronger day today, we helped our 15 year old dog pass away yesterday, at home thankfully, and as agonizing as that was, it put some things in perspective for me. I know he was just a pet but we had him since he was a puppy and we loved him so much. Crying for him, burying him, being able to cry openly and hug and comfort my son about something so much more natural and tangible than H's betrayal - it all felt really significant. Like there's a message in there for me. I don't know what that message is, is it that I can grieve and also find it in me to let go? Or is it that feeling a grief that's more straightforward gives me an outlet? I thought I was going to wake up feeling like an emotional truck ran over me but instead it feels "cleaner" somehow to grieve for my sweet sweet dog. It's like he deserves my grief more, and it's more understandable and natural.


It is a death of sorts. You're grieving and the road to acceptance is hard and quite a ways off if the trail traveled by those before you is any indication.

One thing I've thought about today is that I've been grieving him even as he's still right there. It's so complicated, there are so many emotional free falls that hit me out of the blue! It feels like I'm in an escape room.

Has your WH made any attempt to admit what you know? Is he sticking his head in the sand hoping this will all go away?

He has admitted to having long term "relationships" with women during our marriage.

He hasn't admitted to the sex workers which is ridiculous because how is that worse than spending weeks with other women as if they were a couple, telling other women he loved them? Yes he paid the escorts but at least that was transactional. He was looking for love and romance with the multiple long term OW. But somehow with the escorts he's like "absolutely not, they were just massages" and it's all just so stupid why he's hanging on to that lie.

I've asked him for a timeline and a financial accounting of all his affair activities. It's not the money, exactly, but that I want him to look at the bottom line of his affair finances as one tangible thing to point to - this is how much you did over the years. This is one aspect of the "cost" of your affairs. And I can't be specific but I'm not worried about H opening new accounts and funneling money into them. He actually can't do it secretly at all, for reasons I can't get into. I asked my attorney to verify when we met in person and we've had a phone appointment since then when he did verify it, so that's one worry off my plate entirely.

I haven't contacted the OW again (my sister calls her The Whistlesucker, like whistleblower but less heroic!) but I now know that my H suspects she's involved with me having evidence, because he's asked a few questions that I know are specifically trying to get me to admit to having some of the Whistlesucker's specific info. I'm really proud that I've never answered a single effing question from him about what info I have, or the source of it. I always refer to it as "multiple sources of info" and leave it at that. He's stopped asking, he's now just sending out feelers when we talk to see if I bite on anything.

Today I'm just feeling ashamed of him. He's pathetic. He had it all and it wasn't enough for him, and now that the shit has hit the fan instead of facing it like a man, he's hiding and lying and scheming like there's anything left to lose anymore. There's not. He's lost everything and his games and silence and pouting and manipulation and tears and randomly sending me "romantic" texts and trying to draw me back in just feels pathetic to me. Today.

I want to say to him tonight: if you had just admitted it and faced up to what you've done with some level of personal integrity, we could have divorced with grief and sadness but with at least the chance of being friends in the future.

Maybe it's because I'm feeling the clean grief of losing our beloved puppy, but the 'drowning in someone else's cesspool' that is infidelity just makes me want to drop kick H right out the door.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2022
id 8754137
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 Sigyn (original poster member #80576) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Someone told me that there is another forum on this site called "I CAN RELATE" which has a few interesting threads for people who's partners are sex addicts (if that is what H is hinting at?), partners who have personality disorders, partners who have FOO trauma, etc.

I just looked at that forum now and I'm wondering how many of the groups there I belong to, even if I don't know it yet!! duh Definitely betrayed women, maybe the sex addict one (he hasn't used this excuse yet, maybe he hasn't thought of it...), I definitely "found out years later", he's had long term affairs, maybe personality disorders/NPD, and I don't see one for spouses who used escorts but surely there are a lot of us. I'm also waiting for the axe to fall on the same sex partners for him since he seemingly did everything else.

[This message edited by Sigyn at 10:11 PM, Tuesday, September 6th]

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2022
id 8754140
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 10:21 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

Literally howled at "Whistlesucker".

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8754141
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VezfromTaz ( new member #80815) posted at 11:22 PM on Tuesday, September 6th, 2022

You are a formidable opponent. He picked the wrong person.

You also have to grieve for yourself: the person you were a moment before you opened that message from OW, and the person after.

I didnt know what I stood for really, as a person, until I found out who my ex really was. That was something he taught me at least. I wont tolerate lying and gaslighting, duplicity and manipulation, even in small doses. I'm hypervigilant to it now which is something I need to address. Half the time I think the abuser sets the groundwork for mental abuse and we do the rest to ourselves.

I'm sorry for the loss of your special canine friend.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 12:14 AM, Wednesday, September 7th]

posts: 40   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8754152
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 1:23 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your sweet dog. Mine is 14 1/2 and way past the age our vet thought he could achieve. Every day is a gift but the end days are hard. I think what you are feeling is something genuine and real and true and that's why it is putting things in a different perspective for you. You and your son are grieving your loss together and it can be so grounding to spend time in emotions you can trust, things that matter, that are real. I spent a lot of time post DDay looking for what love and caring and being there really meant for me, and paying attention to those true authentic moments when they came. It is maybe a gift that something so bittersweet and hard as saying goodbye to a beloved pet can also be so clarifying at a very confusing time in your life. I hope you continue to find grounding moments, and continue to stay strong, accept no bullshit, advocate for yourself and demand the respect you know you deserve from your very confused and confusing spouse.

I want to say to him tonight: if you had just admitted it and faced up to what you've done with some level of personal integrity, we could have divorced with grief and sadness but with at least the chance of being friends in the future.

And maybe a chance to still respect him as a person, and have some solid footing to work with. But no, not yet, maybe not ever.

There is so much to digest in your post an so much I could add, maybe later, but I mostly hope you are doing ok, finding your way through, one step, one bite, one day at a time. Oh, and whistlesucker made both me and my H laugh out loud when I shared it with him. Your sense of humor is a great asset on this journey. You are indeed a formidable and amazing opponent and your silly WH has no idea what he has thrown away.

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 1:25 AM, Wednesday, September 7th]

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 436   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8754156
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 8:23 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

I'm having a much stronger day today, we helped our 15 year old dog pass away yesterday, at home thankfully, and as agonizing as that was, it put some things in perspective for me. I know he was just a pet but we had him since he was a puppy and we loved him so much. Crying for him, burying him, being able to cry openly and hug and comfort my son about something so much more natural and tangible than H's betrayal - it all felt really significant. Like there's a message in there for me. I don't know what that message is, is it that I can grieve and also find it in me to let go? Or is it that feeling a grief that's more straightforward gives me an outlet? I thought I was going to wake up feeling like an emotional truck ran over me but instead it feels "cleaner" somehow to grieve for my sweet sweet dog. It's like he deserves my grief more, and it's more understandable and natural.

I'm so sorry for your loss. We also lost a beloved pet not long ago and the loss still hurts. They become such a part of our lives and such a source of love and comfort that "pet" simply doesn't describe it.

For me, I think part of the grief of is that they are a physical manifestation of a part of our lives that is now past and gone. We cannot have that time back any more than we can have our faithful companion back. It's a reminder of our own mortality and the inexorable march of time.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 439   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8754178
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:18 AM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Crying for him, burying him, being able to cry openly and hug and comfort my son about something so much more natural and tangible than H's betrayal - it all felt really significant. Like there's a message in there for me. I don't know what that message is, is it that I can grieve and also find it in me to let go? Or is it that feeling a grief that's more straightforward gives me an outlet?

I would think that 'confusing yet making perfect sense' might be an apt description of going through two entirely different grieving processes simultaneously.

You loved your dog beyond words. He was loving. He was LOYAL. He was, as much as he could be, a solid part of your family unit. You understood him completely from the beginning to the end. And the grieving process for him is a natural order. I'm assuming that there is very little, if anything, that you would 'do over' with your beloved pet.

But the grieving of your husband is an entirely different story. Almost everything now has a 'do over' thought process attached to it. The order is NOT natural. Finding out that your entire marriage is totally different than you believed up until a few weeks ago is near impossible to put into words. That is why I think when you take the one common factor(grieving) with one situation being just like you expected, and the other being the exact opposite, you are left conflicted---how can it feel so right and so wrong at the same time? But yet, you already know the answer....it is just hard to put your finger on why the feelings diverge.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4093   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8754182
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 1:44 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Just want to say, so sorry for the loss of your pup. Ive gone through that multiple times now and it hurts a lot. Those little guys and gals get deep in our hearts...they sure have with mine.

I also want to say again how well you are doing in the midst of this pain cyclone. Your words indicate you are coming to a place of justified indignation and rightful anger and this is good. One word of caution on asking for a timeline from him is that the probability of him being truly forthcoming for your benefit in order to give you closure is nil IMO. The same for doing a polygraph to back it up (you didnt say anything about that, its just recommended here a lot), and will just add to your angst and frustration at a time when you need it least.

Nice touch on "whistlesucker" btw....made me LOL!"

Today I'm just feeling ashamed of him. He's pathetic.

Yes ma'am, he is pathetic.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:04 AM, Thursday, September 8th]

"For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."

posts: 71   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8754190
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:45 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

I just sent you a PM

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8754200
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 Sigyn (original poster member #80576) posted at 12:07 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Thanks for all your understanding about our sweet sweet dog, it seems so hard to mourn him in the midst of all of this, like I'm being thrown out of my warm and loving life and into dark freezing water. I hate this new life I'm in!!

H is already trying to tell our son we'll get a new puppy and I'm like what??? First, we've barely buried our beloved dog, there is no way we're replacing it with a new model just to feel better, and also our lives are in absolute turmoil and we are in no position to give attention, time and love to a puppy! And then this deteriorated to me telling H that his ability to "move on" and his desire to replace one loved one with a different one at the snap of a finger is the same lack of humanity that had him replacing me with other women each time I was out of his direct line of sight!! Where is the loyalty? Where is the LOVE, like the actual real human love that makes our loved ones unreplaceable? And H was pissed and said I was trying to create connections where there are none, "Oh you think you're so smart, you have all the answers, you see hidden connections in everything even when there are none" but honestly I can't NOT see his lack of connection anymore! It's all part of the same thing!

The thing is I've always chosen to soothe and pacify and let things slide and I can't do that anymore. He can't possibly expect me to, but he seems to! He wants to compartmentalize our marriage from the rest of everything happening around us! He asked if I could go to a business dinner with colleagues and I said absolutely not, I would not do ANYTHING other than parenting necessities with him until he gives me the timeline and financials. He said that's me trying to control him and I said no, that's me controlling MY behavior. In the past I'd have let arguments slide and gone to the stupid work dinner, and now I'm staying home -that's MY behavior I'm changing, not his. If he wants to hoard his secret life like it's a box of treasure instead of a shit filled cesspool, I can't change that, but I can change what I do while he continues to lie. The other night he cried on the phone to me and said he didn't want to lose me, he wants our marriage 'more than anything' and that he's just 'trying and trying to come to a place where I can confide in you'. It just made me so sick. I told him my 'old' husband is gone and now this new unknown guy is standing in front of me wanting to be married to me and all I know about him is that he sleeps with escorts and falls in love with other women and spends our money on 'girlfriends' and lies and lies and lies. Why would I want to be married to that new man???? He says no he's the same man with some issues I wasn't aware of, and he needs my help.

But then the puppy, more compartmentalization, more throwing away something beloved and wanting to replace it with something else within a DAY. How is that different than our marriage? I'm so angry, so heartsick. barf

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2022
id 8754271
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:20 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Stay strong.

He’s "trying to come to a place" where he’s not pathologically lying to you, taking away your agency, endangering your physical health, and stealing years of your life with his calculated deceit!?!?!?? The nerve of him.

And he expects you to go to a work dinner with him like his wife when you’re in a sham of a marriage due entirely to his choices and disregard? Again, the nerve of him.

Stay strong. Do not engage with someone this self absorbed and out of touch with reality and basic decency and respect.

You are worth more.

[This message edited by Grieving at 1:21 AM, Thursday, September 8th]

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 236   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8754284
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redrock ( member #21538) posted at 4:04 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

It’s awfully ballsy to call you controlling when he’s controlled your life without your consent for 2 decades.

How can you quibble with a man who just needs your help….. There is a lot of to get under the rug, if you could just get on board and help him get it all under there.

Seems like he now is strongly implying that you are hard to confide in….. 😂 He sure knows the language of manipulative dick-plomacy…….. (Your sisters word play is inspiring…….. ). The blameshifting would be hilarious if it wasn’t so pitiful.

He seems to be incredulous that you are not picking up the narrative in order to win the prize that is him.

Sending you my sympathies on the loss of your faithful pup!!!

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3500   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8754299
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VezfromTaz ( new member #80815) posted at 6:34 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Isnt it horrifying when you start saying No to witness the crass attempts at manipulation. Bribery (dad is going to buy you a new puppy), triangulation (mum wont let you have a new puppy), etc. Not sure he outright said that but that's what he's telling himself anyway: that he is a great person. It's so juvenile. It's also a fantasy.

Be cautious about your communications with him in person so he can't make up lies about your conduct that you cant later disprove (although he may have some credibility issues to say the least). I might be being cynical but...

My ex cleared out the account to buy shares and a car for our son, and then he was headed off to buy one for our daughter who was about 2 years off being eligible for a licence! It was laughable. He also had the excavator teed up to seal the driveway. Nah mate ~ you dont live here anymore!

It may be premature but if he doesnt get that you are serious, I'd consider getting the lawyer involved to write to him with some rules about entering the main premises, and communications around your son. Maybe you don't want to do that if you are trying to get further info from him.

I dont know how you are doing it ~ such a strong woman!

posts: 40   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8754310
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