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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Jfo…..again. Always trust your gut


 BrokenMrsR (original poster member #45600) posted at 11:18 AM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Been a long time since I was last here, 8 years to be exact. 8 years of false R. WH had a PA with a coworker back in fall of 2014, it was absolute hell, lots of TT, they went underground until caught again, the usual story, until he finally "saw the light" and realized the error of his ways. (Yeah, right). Worked hard (at least it looked like it from the surface) to regain my trust, be transparent, and do all the "right" things to save our marriage and family. He went back to school, got a degree, got a better job, we bought a house, our life and relationship was the best it’s ever been in 15 years of marriage, or so I thought.

We got our first cell phones in late May after he had a car accident over the winter and wasn’t able to call me. A few weeks ago, I noticed subtle changes in him, not enough to really be glaring, but enough to peak my BS spidey senses. I chose to just observe and pay a little closer attention. Two days ago, I checked our cell phone accounts to see how we were doing on minutes… in two months, he had used 600 minutes, but only 60 of them were in the recent call log. Huh. I confronted him and asked him why. First I got, "I have no idea what’s going on or why all those minutes are gone, must be an error." Then I got "Well, I do use it for work to call people with questions". Then I got "Well, I am friendly with some of the ladies I work with and we chat back and forth during the day". Then FINALLY I got "There’s this one that isn’t there anymore that I talk to… only about work stuff, and I knew you would wonder if you saw the number in the log, so I deleted them." I’m done. I’m shockingly indifferent at the moment, scorchingly angry of course, but I had laid very clear and concise ground rules and boundaries 8 years ago, and they were broken. Nay, not just broken, they were smashed into a billion bits, with conscious choice and malice.

So yes, always trust your gut, it is rarely wrong.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2014
id 8748118

LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 12:07 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022


I'm so sorry this is happening again and you find yourself back here.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is probably not a fair thing to say for all waywards, but the shoe certainly appears to fit for this "special" guy.

Is your WH aware of this site? Though he could benefit, I mention only because this should be your safe space.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Filing for D

posts: 175   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8748119

 BrokenMrsR (original poster member #45600) posted at 12:21 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Thank you Lost. I am sad I am back here again, but so very grateful SI and folks like yourself exist. He is aware of the site, but doesn’t come here, so I do consider it my safe space. Glad to have a place to vent and get support.

I too avoid the generalization of "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I know in some cases it is not true. Alas, in this case it seems to fit.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2014
id 8748120

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:56 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

So sorry you are forced back here.
The indifference will probably transition to other feelings of anger, and sadness, but stick to your guns.
He did smash some easy boundaries to bits, and clearly thought that it was just fine.

Keep reading, keep posting.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19415   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8748122

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:25 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

So sorry you had to find SI again. You know the routine: see your doctor and get tested, take good care of yourself physically and emotionally, and lean on the people you need. And at this point it would be a good idea to see a lawyer and understand what D might look like. Again so sorry. False R is the worst.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4883   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748131

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:39 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

I wonder what is so broken in your H that he truly doesn’t get it. Why does he need the ego boost from OW to validate himself?

It sounds like everything was going well. He had a good job and a new home and a good marriage.

I’m sorry that wasn’t enough for him. But I think you are facing reality in that he’s not going to change. How sad. His ego made the wrong decision for him yet again.

It’s like these EAs are addictions - that the CS just can’t stop the behavior.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:00 AM, Thursday, August 4th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748132

 BrokenMrsR (original poster member #45600) posted at 2:50 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Thank you tushnurse. Tad bit of a rollercoaster with emotions, but mainly just anger and sadness bookending my indifference at the moment. Being that this is the second time I’ve ridden this particular ride, I feel a little more prepared this time.

Thank you too Bearly. Yup, part of the "been there, done that" crew unfortunately, know the drill. He swears it wasn’t like the last time, good old "just friends talking" line. Funny that last time he told me the same thing, and two moths later it finally comes out they were having sex. And yet he wonders why I don’t even want to hear it this time. I am a SAHM, and we have 2 kids (13 and 9), but I know my rights and the laws for our state when it comes to D, as well as all the documentation from our last go-round. Will get the obligatory to-do list and start checking stuff off.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2014
id 8748136

Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:59 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

I’m so sorry for this discovery. It’s the worst nightmare for any of is investing in R. I’m sure you are more prepared this time around, and have a contingency plan.

I just don’t understand how he can see the damage that was done the first time, and do it again? He is seriously broken and no amount excuses or apologies will be good enough. He needs serious help and consequences.

Wishing you the best.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1633   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8748148

InRetrospect ( member #18641) posted at 9:10 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

How can he even imagine you would believe his lies after all he lied about the first time?

It makes me wonder, and I am sure you as well, if he really has been "clean" for the last eight years.

I am so sorry to read this.

What is it with men?

posts: 287   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2008   ·   location: California
id 8748167

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:39 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

You can be sure that this has been going on for a long time, but the only reason you caught him was b/c you got cell phones. Think about all the flirting and other stuff he's been doing these past 8 yrs that you were not able to catch b/c you didn't have cell phones.


posts: 1345   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8748172

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:23 PM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

I'm so very sorry.

That is not appropriate on any level. And IMHO downplayed.

If any of those "ladies" have spouses or significant others, I wonder if they know about the "work only" communications with your WH.

You know the drill.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3488   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8749924

ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 8:44 PM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's awful to get up off the ground, build yourself up a bit, let your guard down and start to trust and they just plow you in the face with a 2x4 and knock you down again. False reconciliation is heartbreaking. You are absolutely justified in your feelings.

Sending light, strength and lots of positivity your way. I hope you can find peace.

BS(me):42 WH:43D
Day 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs TT
DDay 4- 04/11/2022 Conf PA w/1 EA
DDay 5- 8/2/22 Failed Poly
DDay 6- 8/7/22 Whatever...

posts: 46   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8749928
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