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Trigger as f***


 Naamah (original poster member #79634) posted at 6:44 AM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

In DDay 2 I found out that my WH used Tiktok to communicate with OW. Not knowing this application, I quickly set up my own account and invited OW, who gladly accepted the invitation. She never posted anything - the app was only used to communicate with my husband. Over time, I removed the application and had no access to it for about a year and a half. I just downloaded it again and logged in. Due to the fact that we are still "friends" there, I immediately saw a movie with her face... At first one movie, then the second one, third...

I'm shaky and I don't know how to deal with it. My WH reads my emotions like in a book. He will notice that something is wrong. I can't hide my emotions. I don't know if I should tell him about it. I don't know what to do at all, how should I function today? I have a maniacal urge to keep returning to these films, although so far I don't do that, however I picture them all the time. Probably I should get rid of the application again, or the account in general. My heart is pounding, and at the same time I am furious with myself, with OW, with WH... 馃槶


posts: 77   路   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021   路   location: UK
id 8747588

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:36 AM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Is the affair ongoing? Is there something in the videos that leads you to believe they are still in contact?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8747594

 Naamah (original poster member #79634) posted at 10:02 AM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

No, nothing like that.

I just didn't expect to see her. Thanks to those movies I also realized how happy and funny she is while I still suffer and probably rarely laugh and joke after A of my WH. All that died in me.

Of course WH noticed that something was happening and pulled it out of me. He hugged me, kissed, assured that he loves me as I am, listed the qualities he adores in me... Nice of him, but it did not take away the feeling of hopelessness. Contrary - I feel like giving up on everything - R and the rest. I can't handle it. I wrote to several ICs and none came back to me. I don't have the strength to carry it all, and today's event has additionally squeezed me to the floor.


posts: 77   路   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021   路   location: UK
id 8747626

TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 1:45 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022


Thanks to those movies I also realized how happy and funny she is

Look, don't know the actual numbers, but those people who need to expose themselves on social media: movies or photos (not related to business, BUT , big BUT here - can even be conmingled!), are in fact NOT happy persons at all. shocked They're in some way or another broken people in search of validation from others to fill their sometimes deep holes. It is just a facade to hide low self-esteem, insecurities, etc. rolleyes They have nothing else to fill their time and boredom with besides occupying it with social media postings of themselves. Social media gives them access to the fantasy world too. These are observations from my personal experience with infidelity as well. So, you may want to review your perspective on those movies that you have an urge to watch from the point of reality. "My feelings can not be hurt" by this woman's social media/TickTok...

Strength and healing to you , (((Naamah)))

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 187   路   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   路   location: US
id 8747628

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:58 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

This will pass. I know it鈥檚 not easy. But don鈥檛 let this cloud your happiness.

Funny story. The OW knew my H was married. She tried to get him to D me. Almost worked.

She was a social media whore. Posts every day about her stupid life and her "observations" about life blah blah blah.

One day she posted about how she would never live with a cheating spouse and what a loser people are who remain married to a cheater. Gee - I wonder who that was meant for. Duh!!

Obviously directed at me.

What鈥檚 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槀馃槀 is that it鈥檚 OK in her book to be a cheater but not to R.

after that I refused to let the cheating OW or the Affair negatively impact me. It was a conscious choice I made. Not saying it鈥檚 easy. Just saying I did it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:59 PM, Friday, July 29th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8747629

Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:27 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Triggers are the worst. There comes a point where triggers are expected and its best to process them and learn what they might be teaching you. However, this particular type came out of nowhere and those are the worst. Suddenly seeing and hearing the AP is never a trigger that can be anticipated or processed.

I don't know if I should tell him about it. I don't know what to do at all


I don't have the strength to carry it all

There is your answer, when we entered R I told my W she is going to be in the muck with me. I don鈥檛 share all the triggers because I can manage them, but a terrible one knocks me down, she will be the first to know. I want her to understand how hard this shit is and help me through it.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   路   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   路   location: Texas DFW
id 8747633

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:47 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Thanks to those movies I also realized how happy and funny she is...

You know what people who are in the movies do? They ACT. No matter how happy or funny the adultery co-conspirator is portraying herself as...that is ALL it is Dear Lady...and ACT.

That was really NICE of your WH to do what he did smile . Now THAT was genuine grin ! You still REMEMBER how your WH acted during his A...but he is NOT acting that way NOW. NOW is what counts grin !! He KNOWS that the adultery co-conspirator was not genuine...and knowledge is POWER. YOU Dear Lady are the one he KNOWS is genuine...and he is trying to do whatever he can to help you to HEAL. Please don't discount that.

Would you expect anyone who is grieving to be happy or funny? YOU are still grieving Dear Lady (((HUGS))). Your WH seems to be understanding this. Your suffering IS real. But each day you are healing. It may not seem like it right now...but it is happening smile . One day you will find yourself laughing...and it will feel so GOOD! Then you will feel happiness again smile . But when you find PEACE...then you will know you are on your way to being HEALED grin . will always carry the scar from this trauma...but EVERY trauma gives us scars. All of us here just have the scars from infidelity. It will NEVER go away...but it does NOT rule YOUR life!!

If you want to look at those movies...go ahead. But really LOOK at them. Watch how she is carefully scripting her moves. See how many edits she has had to splice together. She is FAKE...just like the affair was. She is putting on an ACT. NONE of what she is portraying is REAL. She probably had to do 100's of takes before getting the result that she posted. People who need external validation like that...the only word I can come up with is...PATHETIC. I would almost feel sorry for her...except that SHE put herself in that position. Poor wittle muffin. Do you REALLY feel like giving all of what you have accomplished up...for THAT?

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   路   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   路   location: Southeastern United States
id 8747676

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 4:45 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022


I agree with TruthisPower. These people are fake as F***. You should see them in real life without social media. They dont have a life. Social media is their life. Alot of people on social media end up suffering from mental health issues in the future as well. Im no doctor but research is showing that social media is negatively affecting the mental health of individuals.

Please remember your life is real and you dont need validation from strangers to watch your videos and tell you how great your life is.
Youre doing very well. Also get rid of her from your tiktok or just get rid of the app completely!!

posts: 151   路   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   路   location: United Kingdom
id 8747697

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

He will notice that something is wrong. I can't hide my emotions. I don't know if I should tell him about it.

Just my 2 cents here, but if the situation were reversed, and he was triggering over something, wouldn't you want him to discuss it with you? You said he's been pretty good about things, so this is an opportunity for both of you to build new lines of communication and trust. Someone the other day said, "This isn't about the BS vs. the WS. It's about the BS and the WS vs. the infidelity" and I find that to be true. I know my BS really appreciates it when I open up to her about how I feel, good or bad. And I still don't do that often enough. But when I do, it always seems to help us both to process the feelings, and to build a new roads in our relationship.

As for watching the videos over and over... I'm on the fence. On one hand, it might be obsessing, and you'll just make your head spin doing that. On the other hand, it also sounds like you really need to process some things. And the only way to do that is to face them, feel them, and allow for healing. Which brings us back to... talking about it with the only other person on this planet who actually was there.

You might be furious with your WS, or even yourself, and that's understandable, so please, make it "okay to be upset" sometimes. Stuffing the anger and pain away only lets it fester. As someone who shoved his pain and anger away for 40 years until it erupted like Mt. Vesuvius, I would recommend against doing that.

Wishing you the best.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1300   路   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8747702

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:10 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

I don鈥檛 know how many of these people have committed suicide but鈥 know about several. Also several who have ODd. The internet is a huge, gigantic, enormous entity that has everything on it, including cheats, liars, OW/OM etc. Let it go. It will drive you crazy if you don鈥檛. I watch IG for funny animals. I have never looked at anything that can make me sad.

When things go wrong, don鈥檛 go with them. Elvis

posts: 3387   路   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8747720

mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 9:28 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

I'm sorry that must have been AWFUL to have to see.

You can block her account and you won't see her videos anymore.

Caution you not to keep going back to her account to watch the vids, if her app is updated you can see who has viewed your profile.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22

posts: 75   路   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8747723

 Naamah (original poster member #79634) posted at 7:02 AM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

Thank you all! 馃А I'm feeling a bit better now.

I watched those videos one more time and removed the app. I realized that you were all correct - she is a fraud. She still can't create anything of her own - she has to steal. Her films show how she watches and reacts to other people's movies, so it's not really she who is funny there, but the authors of the movies she used. Which does not change the fact that she has a specific and direct sense of humor. I'm direct too, but in a different way. I'm more delicate, more feminine in this. She resembles a man in this respect (and many others). My husband is like that. Probably that impressed him...

I analyzed my yesterday's feelings. I would compare this event to accidentally bumping into her in the street - unexpected and without being able to prepare for it. I'm glad that I shared it with my H. I don't like loading him with my triggers, but it was good - he supported me, encouraged me to eat (my stomach tightened and I refused to eat). I liked the way he did it. He did not force me, he did not shout, he did not try to convince me how important eating was... He praised the dish I made for him and decided that it was so delicious that I should try it. He disarmed me with this, and I actually ate.
As a consolation, I also bought myself a few dresses 馃槈馃槆 and painted a picture. Today I will become a deity and with my head held high I will go out into the world!

Thank you for all your support! You are wonderful! 馃挍馃А鉂


posts: 77   路   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021   路   location: UK
id 8747748

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 7:07 AM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

That is exactly how you should be...kind to yourself. Life is too short to let people who dont matter to you affect you!


posts: 151   路   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   路   location: United Kingdom
id 8747749

Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 4:06 AM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

(virtual hugs)

Sending positive thoughts your way!

posts: 964   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8748105

 Naamah (original poster member #79634) posted at 2:07 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Sending positive thoughts your way!

Thank you so much 馃槉

Finally I'm starting my EMDR therapy tomorrow. I'm full of hope, very exited and nervous in the same time.

I am irritated by the fact that for over two years I haven't been able to deal with it and that I have to go to therapy and take medications while OW records and posts funny videos... well, it is what it is I guess 馃様


posts: 77   路   registered: Nov. 29th, 2021   路   location: UK
id 8748258

JustNonna ( new member #80456) posted at 12:43 AM on Tuesday, August 9th, 2022

My husband cheated on me. I had to know who this woman was. His relationship was online in this forum called Second Life.
He did everything with this woman online, in personal phone calls, online meetings. Everything but actually touching each other.
I give this for context.

I hate this woman with every fiber of my being. She knew he was married. Yes my husband is responsible but she knew and took the risk and imo she holds responsibility too.

I thought she was pretty, younger then me, had these qualities I don't. She captured his heart, attention, time and not sure but possibly some of his money too.

I finally figured out I was doing what he was doing, projecting. I projected this idea about her because when you are online you can be anything to someone. The reality is she is a pathetic woman who can not get her own husband because she truly lacks qualities. She is not happy, she is not those things that I projected she was. She is a thief.

People that are so dang happy online are they really happy in real life? Cause if they were really happy, why in the heck are they online?

posts: 19   路   registered: Jul. 28th, 2022   路   location: Washington
id 8748762
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