I posted a few months back about being done going it alone. Turns out, I clearly wasn't.
A quick recap: after 5 years of "R", here's where I'm at.
Well, she finally got tested for STDs. Finally, right? I mean phew. Dammit, forgot to mention that she only got tested due to a breast cancer scare (benign) that finally forced her to go to the gyno....5.5 years later. Great news, it was clean- she was oddly, and I mean weirdly, ecstatic about this. I mean, I was, too, but you'd swear she found out she was "not the father" on a Maury Povich special, if you catch my drift.
Oh, in other great news- I finally got the timeline I had been asking for. All the sordid details, well, as it relates to f*cking. The bathroom masturbatory sessions were conveniently missing. (I am Jack's complete lack of suprise.)
As an aside, to anyone new reading this or lurking- get the F out of your marriage. If you are waiting years for information....don't. Don't be like me, I implore you. You WILL regret it.
When you realize that your spouse wasn't lost, wasn't confused etc...thay they did this because regardless of the mantra that it isn't you, it's them- it's kinda you. I'm not saying you're inadequate. Far from it.
But it's just that you cannot do for them what the AP did. Full goddamn stop. That's a wrap.
We've had some hard conversations since she gave me the timeline. Hard. Here's what I gleaned, and these are 95% accurate quotes:
"I didn't think this would affect you this bad."
"You're such a strong man, I didn't think it would take you this long to get over it."
"I don't understand your pain or hiw you feel, but after you explain it, I kick myself for not seeing your point."
"I've always lived one just moving forward and not reflecting on the past-it's how I survived."
These are great statements at face value. I see, now, what I am really up against- an oil covered mountain with a 90 degree slope.
Today, while driving to pick up an employee's van from the body shop, I give her the phone to navigate. This, actually, is the crux of this post- I need a reality check.
We pass a billboard for a xxx convention-she apparently didn't know they were a thing- and we started discussing sex stuff. During the course of the discussion, which was jovial and playful, I hand her the phone to navigate.
Right after I hand her the phone, I mention that I've been looking into tantric sex as something we could possibly explore. Literally, and I shit you not, 1 second later, I apparently take the wrong exit ramp off the highway. I saw a sign for the turnpike and took it; she said nothing because she assumed I knew how to get where we were going via a different route than normal. My fault, apparently.
I went silent. I let her rip into me about missing the turn, adding 10 minutes to the route, etc. All the while assuming that the thing I finally had the courage to bring yp, went right over her head because I missed the turn.
She knows her snappiness with me is a sore point- it reminds me of how sje treated me in her affair- so I was silently stewing a out that because I didn't want to get in to an argument while being directionally challenged, so to speak. Sje laid in to me nonetheless.
On the way home, she's trying to pull me out of my zone. "I don't want you to be upset, let's not ruin the whole night, etc." I told her I just kinda decouple from reality when she gets like that because it takes me back to affair season (shit, we're in it, come to think about it).
We get home, and I start cooking dinner. As usual. To her credit, now she doesn't want to leave me alone and wants to "work through " what happened. So, we get into it.
Turns out, she heard my comment about looking into Tantric sex- she ignored it because I went the wrong way. Then, she forgot about it until I brought it up again during our last conversation.
She said, "Oh I heard you, but then you took the wrong exit and I forgot about it."
I asked her, why not bring it back up after our 5 minute detour? "Well, I forgot."
And that, dear people, is the crux. You can't do anything with people that refuse to get out of their own way. I asked her if there was any part of her that thought MAYBE, just MAYBE, you let the missed turn slide and tien it in to a joke, or something other than being a snappy b*itch. No, I didn't use that term during the conversation, but I'm using it now. Her response: Nope.
What am I missing here- of this is a gross overreaction please 4x8 the everloving crap out of me. Seriously.
Because right now, tonight, as I sit in my pool amd look at the stars, all .wishing was I could be anywhere but here.
Here I was thinking sje didn't hear my comment. Turns out, she did. Which is worse, because it was so fsr below the radar it didn't even register. FML. Lol.