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Just Found Out :
WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 12:40 AM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Troutman523, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. Your WW is literally throwing away a lifetime of love and support for nothing.

Something to you mentioned resonated with me. I too vilified my WW’s AP and focused on it. But at the end of the day, the most gorgeous woman could come on to me harder than any woman has in history and I would still politely decline. Your WW made all these choices and made all the decisions to cheat. This is all on her. Don’t focus on the AP (I know, easier said than done), I did, for too long, and it didn’t do anything but delay progress. Be strong, get your D done as soon as possible and take advantage of your WW’s "fog" to secure as good a settlement as you can.

posts: 807   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8744593
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 1:07 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Jameson1977
Thanks for the thoughts, I appreciate it. I’m trying every day to change my focus and it is SLOWLY starting to work.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744615
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 2:56 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Troutman....

I'm very sorry you are here, brother. It sucks....it just really sucks. But let me assure you it gets better and will eventually be a distant memory clouded by newer, happier ones.

I don't talk about my story on here much when I reply to posts, but for you and your story, I think mine is very similar.

The main difference between our stories is I caught my XWW cheating, yours confessed.

With mine, when I caught her I basically moved her out that night without her knowing. I took IIRC over 40 giant yard bags filled with everything she owned (except furniture) and dumped them on his porch while she was inside with him. When she saw it she called and I told her not to come home.

She played tough and was screaming that she didn't want to.

Bc of her being in the lala-land of unicorns and rainbows, I got custody of our 2 girls and I got our car and almost all furniture. It wasn't until maybe 6 months later when she called crying, begging to come home bc he was "an asshole" and he was supposedly mean to her.

Nope....i didn't let that happen. It was then that her anger came out and she started trying to get everything she passed on but it was too late.

My point is....

STRIKE ASAFP while she's on her honeymoon in lala-land and you can probably have a painless divorce that's very much in your favor.

I also believe in your case that she will try to come home eventually so be prepared for that.

Just do what's good for you QUICKLY.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 2:57 PM, Thursday, July 14th]

posts: 2734   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8744629
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:17 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

What Jameson1977 shares is true.

I had started writing a post for this thread about focus. There has been so much emphasis on how miserable your wife will eventually be and how you can find comfort in that. Personally, I don’t see any future benefit for you in her happiness OR unhappiness.

Your future happiness should not be based on what your wife is doing, once she is no longer your wife.

It’s been a VERY long time since I walked in on my fiancé and OM. Like a lifetime ago. I lost all contact with her about 3-4 years after d-day and haven’t seen her in person for about three decades. Wouldn’t recognize her if I saw her.

I would occasionally run into her dad (my father-in-law never to be and a wonderful and good man) maybe once every 6-8 years until he passed away some years ago. Last time we met he mentioned her and the sorry state she was in. I felt pity, and a sense of how great potential for a good life (with or without me) had been squandered. That evening – when I went to bed – I didn’t feel better, vindicated or expect a prize for winning infidelity. I just felt sad that a fellow human-being that I had once cared so much for had made choices in her life that led her down a road of misery.

Had he shared that she hooked up with OM, married him, had a house by the lake, six kids all with degrees and successful careers and winning Nobels, a dozen grandkids, a BMW and a summer house in Italy… I don’t think I would have been unhappier at the end of that day. My life and the quality of my life is not dependent on the happiness of misery of those that are outside my circle.

What’s happening now is not your choice. It was never your intention that this marriage wouldn’t last and you probably envisioned retiring with your wife, playing golf, fishing, moving to Florida or whatever. Now your whole future has been changed…

There is still a future though, only it isn’t as you envisioned it some months ago. Changed does not have to equate to worse.

However – it is what it is. You aren’t divorcing your wife out of your preferred choice. It’s not what you envisioned or even wanted. But its inevitable given the circumstances. You are divorcing her because she moved out to another man, professed her love for him and how she hadn’t been happy with you. You are divorcing because the options she’s offering make divorce the only logical choice.

Once divorced you work at distancing yourself from her rather than focusing on how she’s managing life. For all you know she and OM can be totally happy, well off and all that. For all you know OM might be invited to the family Thanksgiving dinner at her parents, the one you used to attend. Your happiness should NOT be dependent on what she does or does not do.

It’s like if you came home to your house on fire. You wouldn’t hesitate on taking action rather than just hope the fire will go out by itself. You would call 911, get help, save what can be saved, maybe take the garden-hose to the flames… Later – once the crisis per se is over – you would check if rebuilding is possible, minimize the financial damage and try to learn what caused the flames. You start by addressing the prime problem, and then handle the consequences and sequential issues. At the moment it’s seemingly clear that there will be no rebuilding of the old house, and you move on to a new place.

You would find little comfort in discovering your wife’s possessions were more damaged, or that the neighbors house burned down too.

Focus on the divorce. Focus on making it as fair as your conscience requires. Keep in mind that what you want out of it is partially controlled by law. I have suggested you look into if infidelity affects divorce in your state; there are still a few where it can impact factors like spousal support.

I have a friend who is a family attorney. He stated that about 60-80% of the cost of divorce is often focused on maybe 20% of the real value. Like people will argue about a possession worth 100 spending 1000 in legal fees. He also stated that as a rule attorneys can tell you with uncanny certainty what the financial outcome will be once they have all the information required.

You mention your 401k… If you are the typical family-unit then MAYBE (as the law sees it) the reason yours is higher is because she took years off work to raise the kids. That in turn created an environment where you could work more, climb the corporate ladder and all that. The law simplifies things by generally evaluating all financial acquisitions (and debt) in marriage as joint, irrespective of who broke sweat to create the income. (Keep in mind the absolute worst advice to follow on SI is legal advice. This could be totally different in your state, but this is a very general and widespread POV).

If you don’t agree with the law then go sign a petition or write your local politician a letter. But don’t expect the judge to use anything other than the law as it’s presented and has been applied so far.

I’m not suggesting you give her half of yours, but MAYBE your best (and cheapest) option might be to agree to her getting more equity in the house in lieu of the 401K. You can calculate it to your advantage; for example, if she was demanding 100k of your 401k and there are still 10 years until you are eligible to withdraw without tax or penalty it might equate to 60k after taxes and penalties. Since it’s paid up-front instead of 10 years down the road it might even equate to 30k… It’s basically a comparable calculation lottery winners are faced with when deciding on a lump-sum. Or if there is something she values then let her take that at full value in lieu of any claim she might have to the 401k. Basically – make it non-personal and be result-driven.

[This message edited by Bigger at 4:19 PM, Thursday, July 14th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11156   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8744642
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:21 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Bigger makes some very valid points.

I want to clarify my prior post. It wasn’t a "karma’s a bitch" post but I posted the story about the cheating BIL from a different perspective.

The point was the cheater BIL was miserable in his 2nd marriage but would never admit he made a mistake. I was comparing him to Troutman’s wife in that she appeared to be trying to keep her options open (not taking all her belongings, etc). I hoped if she believed she had made a mistake she would not suffer in silence to save face with Troutman. That she would admit her mistake. Not trash her marriage if there was a chance to R.

It’s hard to stop loving and caring about someone you spent decades married to. It takes time to let reality set in that your spouse has moved on.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12814   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744651
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 8:41 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

GoldenR, thanks man. Your story is painful as well, my sympathies. I'm getting my ducks in a row as we speak.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744675
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 9:00 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Bigger

What’s happening now is not your choice. It was never your intention that this marriage wouldn’t last and you probably envisioned retiring with your wife, playing golf, fishing, moving to Florida or whatever. Now your whole future has been changed…

There is still a future though, only it isn’t as you envisioned it some months ago. Changed does not have to equate to worse.

However – it is what it is. You aren’t divorcing your wife out of your preferred choice. It’s not what you envisioned or even wanted. But its inevitable given the circumstances. You are divorcing her because she moved out to another man, professed her love for him and how she hadn’t been happy with you. You are divorcing because the options she’s offering make divorce the only logical choice.

Yeah, that was the plan... You're right, this is the only logical choice going forward and I've accepted that.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744684
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 9:03 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

The1stWife

It’s hard to stop loving and caring about someone you spent decades married to. It takes time to let reality set in that your spouse has moved on.

That's the part I struggle with. I know who she is now, and I know the woman I married is gone. It gets very hard at times to separate the two, especially when something triggers me, which is quite often.
.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744685
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:28 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

It is so hard to understand. And accept. And come to terms with.

I did get the ILYBNILWY speech for 6-9 months. My H was walking out the door on dday2 to leave me for the OW.

He was unhappy (he claims) for 2 years prior to his affair. IMO he had nothing to be unhappy about but I certainly wasn’t going to argue.

Whether you D or this is just a temporary situation you just shake your head b/c you would never expect your spouse to be "that" person who would lie & cheat.

Funny thing when I told my sister my H was cheating, she told me I was crazy. When I told her he admitted it, she was just as blown away as I was.

I’m sorry you are facing this. But at least you don’t have to watch her cheat right in front of you like I did.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12814   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744711
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:45 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Troutman523

This will be a grieving process like a death in the family. You will go through many stages, the triggers will hit constantly. It gets better I promise. When I shifted from shock and sadness to anger it really pushed me forward. You don’t want to stay in anger but it really lets you see everything with clarity. This is a crazy emotional roller coaster we are all riding.

Best Wishes to you

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8744715
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:12 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Thanks Tanner, I appreciate the thoughts.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744725
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 2:20 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Haven't been in a great place today.

My thoughts have turned back to the fact that I never had a chance to save this, and that goes back to before the affair when she claimed she was unhappy but never verbalized it. There was still so much good there at the time and I would have moved heaven and earth working on communication, going to therapy etc... Anything. I'm a pretty quiet person, who will fully admit am not the best at verbalizing feelings. I had accepted that we didn't have the level of intimacy we'd had earlier in our marriage, and I was OK with that because I loved her so dearly and understood true love transcending those things. I'm really missing that woman today...

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744726
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:36 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

I'm really missing that woman today...

This really sucks Brother, no matter how well things turn out. It will never be the same.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8744727
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WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 3:34 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

My thoughts have turned back to the fact that I never had a chance to save this, and that goes back to before the affair when she claimed she was unhappy but never verbalized it.

I understand. I also felt that I was being blamed for his unhappiness without having been given the chance to address our issues. I thought that if I had known how he was feeling, I could have prevented him from going down that path. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't have fixed anything. Those feelings of unhappiness and restlessness and not being appreciated were a sort of revisionist history that he attributed to me and our marriage after he had begun his bullshit. He recognizes that now too.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8744733
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 3:48 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

WTAF

I understand. I also felt that I was being blamed for his unhappiness without having been given the chance to address our issues. I thought that if I had known how he was feeling, I could have prevented him from going down that path. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't have fixed anything. Those feelings of unhappiness and restlessness and not being appreciated were a sort of revisionist history that he attributed to me and our marriage after he had begun his bullshit. He recognizes that now too.


Thanks. My next door neighbor and I were talking this evening and he said nearly the exact same thing. He was also a victim of his first marriage ending because of his WW affair. I'm gaining so much insight both here, and in all the people I've leaned on over the last several weeks for support.
It really is amazing how many of these situations follow the same playbook.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744734
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:17 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

That’s why we refer to the Cheater’s Manual often. While there is no such thing, there is a definite pattern the cheaters seem to follow in many affairs.

My H’s affair went from zero to "I want a divorce" in months. They met in a bar. He hires her to work for him as an outside contractor. They talk. Become friends. A few months later he’s asking her for a date. One night 6 months later he’s MIA. So I ask him point blank "whats going on?" And he was honest and says he met someone else.

10 days later he wants a D. 💥😳

Funny how he’s been "unhappy" for 18 months prior to the affair. Funny how he was able to blame me for his affair. Funny how he rewrote our 25 year marriage as being led than what it was. Funny how my spoiling hm and putting him first wasn’t good enough.

Yes - he tried to blame me for his affair. Typical cheater move. Right out of the Cheater’s Manual.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:19 AM, Friday, July 15th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12814   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744782
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 1:01 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

I agree with the recent comments about revisionist history. While I do not think it is 100% always the case, I do believe it is true in the majority of these situations. The BS gets told "I've been unhappy so I found someone else". The real story is "I completely ignored safe boundaries and any ethics I believed I possessed, had an A and now I am rationalizing that to myself and everyone else by saying I was unhappy".

When you think about the Wayward, the best you can say is it was a combination of both things. But I think most of the time it is simply rationalizing their behavior in an effort to preserve their self image. No one wants to be the villain of their own story.

posts: 703   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8744792
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:42 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Like others said most of that unhappiness she has now expressed is revisionist history. Don't blame your self for not noticing because it wasn't reality at the time. Only after when looking for reasons for the A does suddenly minor issues, or non-existent ones, get blown up to major failings in your marriage. None of us are prefect, but none of us are as anywhere close to as bad as the wayward believes as a rationale for the A.
Keep walking your path out of infidelity. It does get better.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:43 PM, Friday, July 15th]

posts: 1371   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8744831
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

This affair is much longer than you assume. She has been cake eating for a long time until the situation is suitable for leaving (very self-centered) . The OM divorce may be linked to this affair. Not to say anything negative but to me you seem to be somewhat the meek partner in this marriage and she took advantage of it. May be the OBS already knew of the circumstances related to their divorce. Hope your adult children are not happy about it

Whatever, the past is gone. Be more proactive, with her attitude I feel you should forget about any reconciliation and work towards getting the best deal for you. Regarding the difference between attachment and love, please check what Ven. Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma says about it in YOU Tube. It helps.

Good luck. Every end is a new beginning. Be strong about leading it

[This message edited by goalong at 5:22 PM, Friday, July 15th]

posts: 803   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8744911
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 Troutman523 (original poster member #80426) posted at 5:27 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

grubs

Like others said most of that unhappiness she has now expressed is revisionist history. Don't blame your self for not noticing because it wasn't reality at the time. Only after when looking for reasons for the A does suddenly minor issues, or non-existent ones, get blown up to major failings in your marriage.


Agree. She never mentioned anything concrete and couldn't really verbalize what made her unhappy.

Me BH:57, Her WW:54 DDay: 6/22. She walked right out on DDay and moved in with AP. Filed for divorce.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2022   ·   location: PA
id 8744913
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