SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Trout,

I'm glad for you that you were loving and trusting. It was no failing of yours that this happened. She could have come to you at any time. It's the lies that hurt me the most. Mine was a traveller and always had convenient excuses. It's natural to think back on every instance and feel hurt. People like that can turn their feelings off. The fun of it isn't going to last. Sorry she couldn't have told you long ago instead of sneaking and lying. He's not a great person or he wouldn't have done this with her. They won't have happiness after the brief fun is done.

It's for you now to take care of yourself. It's easy to feel overwhelmed with the emotions. Try and eat well, get sleep when you can and exercise away the stress. Make some changes so anything sad in the house is put away. It's your new life now. You didn't ask for it but yet here it is. Please try to find some happiness every day. I made my favorite foods and got fresh flowers. I got some new clothes. You need to give yourself some tlc. I remember standing in the shower feeling completely devalued and my hair was falling out and I couldn't eat or stop thinking about the situation.

You know it will be tough but get better and better. Glad you have your sons to talk with. If you talk with her again, don't accept any of her nonsense. She doesn't get to justify any of this.

Apparently she managed to be unhappy with me for years, but of course never bothered to verbalize that.

ROFLMAO 🤣

she wasn’t that unhappy UNTIL she met the OM.

My H traveled extensively for his career. I was a "single mom" for years. I just accepted it as part of his job. It never dawned on me to cheat or use my H’s career to justify cheating.

So here’s a true story you may resonate with. On another blog a guy write about his Brother or Brother in law who D his wife after 25 years of marriage. He had a long term affair with his secretary or co-worker at his company. He was some big executive type. Married the very attractive trophy wife.

His young adult kids hated her. They tolerated the new wife b/c she wanted to be their stepmom. She would throw $ at the kids (which they accepted) but she was NOT a parent to them. After the D their mom passed away but this new wife was not going to replace their mom. Ever.

Now for the H. How shall I put this. He regretted his choices. Not that he would admit to making a mistake b/c his ego was that big. He needed to save face. But he married a trainwreck. The new wife needed to keep her youthful appearance b/c after all, her marriage started as an affair. She knew what the H was capable of so he was hardly out of her site.

The new wife needed lots of plastic surgery to maintain her appearance and attraction. And clothes - very expensive high end wardrobe.

And now he realizes he has married an alcoholic. The new wife has a drinking problem. Or always had a drinking problem but it wasn’t until the marriage that it became a problem.

He’s miserable. But will NEVER admit the mistake in marrying the other woman.

Cue your wife Troutman. This one day may be her. She may be walking into a similar nightmare living with the Affair Partner. She just doesn’t know it yet.

It’s called consequences.

When you can set aside the emotions for a bit, take the chance to just watch your WW. Un-know everything you possibly can about her, and see her with fresh eyes, not as your wife but as just another member of the crooked timber of humanity stumbling through life. In time perhaps you can feel pity for her. I already do…seen this play out too many times here.

I already am to a degree. When I mentioned earlier about having to drop something off to her at work I got such little reaction when I told her I don't sleep/Blood pressure up/eating problems etc... Now, of course in retrospect I shouldn't have even bothered to mention those things, they don't care. If they cared they wouldn't have stabbed you in the heart for so long.

What makes all that tougher is I was SO good to this woman. Did my share of helping around the house, provided nicely, was always kind and caring, had her back when she had little tiffs with her family etc... I just can't process how you so coldly betray someone who treats you tht well.

Thanks everyone for all the nice thoughts, it means a lot.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 10:57 AM, Wednesday, July 13th]

Thhe1stWife

And now he realizes he has married an alcoholic. The new wife has a drinking problem. Or always had a drinking problem but it wasn’t until the marriage that it became a problem.

He’s miserable. But will NEVER admit the mistake in marrying the other woman.

Cue your wife Troutman. This one day may be her. She may be walking into a similar nightmare living with the Affair Partner. She just doesn’t know it yet.

HE may be the one that ends up regretting it too! WW has always drank a lot more than me. Over the last few months before DDay I noticed she was drinking more than usual. I'm sure it was a coping mechanism as all of this built to a head. I'm talking 2-3 Gin and Tonics every night. It's never effected her ability to function, and I'm the only one who's really seen it. Who knows how worse it gets from here as reality starts to set in.

Hi Troutman,

Speaking as one who had a heavy alcohol dependant cheating husband , who did abandon me to live with his AP, there are many scenarios which can play out in your future.

Putting aside our current R for the moment, we had a forty year marriage before his affair. All gone on D-Day.

We split up our assets in the months that followed etc.etc.

This was over three years ago. And those first long months brought on tons of confusion, instability and upheavals for myself, my adult children, for my mom, for his mom and for him. Over time, things stabilized, grew calmer, quieter, peaceful even.

From my experience what I can say is reach out when times are overwhelming, tell us what you need specifically so that we can share our experiences with you. The different perspectives that folks have here may help you tremendously.

The best to you and to your family.

I was you, albeit younger. Entered into a committed relationship with a woman around age 21/22. She was brilliant, high achieving, beautiful. She had a young son (around age 3) from a man with whom she did not share a serious relationship. I moved in with her. We both went to grad school. We struggled to juggle budget (on grad school level money), studies, work (each of us worked part-time in our respective grad fields), child rearing, etc. Lots of sex. It was the sort of "us against the world" struggle that often forges the blue-hard steel of a life long partnership and relationship. Or so I thought.

After grad school, we relocated a couple thousand miles to a new city. Romantic and beautiful city. Hit the ground running. Housing. School. Soccer for the kiddo. All of this stuff to me reinforced the "us against the world" partnership I thought we were forging. When we finally got a bit of extra money saved up, she splurged for a wine country hot air balloon ride with me on my birthday. Super romantic stuff.

Then she met the AP. It was like you describe. Gradually increasing emotional distance. I was running at 1,000 mph trying to establish a foothold in my new career, she was too, and the kid was in school by then, so I chalked it up to fatigue and stress. I was wrong. Sex started to diminish. Again, I incorrectly chalked it up to fatigue and stress. Then she started a hobby and began staying out more frequently, and later, with her hobby activity group. Or so I thought.

One morning in December, about 9 years after we got together, she didn't come home. It was a weekday. There were no cell phones in those days. I was up early, fixing breakfast and packing school lunch for her son, getting myself shaved and showered and ready for work, mentally planning my morning of school drop-off, etc. Over all of that, I was worried about her. The hobby group often went out drinking. Did she get arrested for DUI? Have a drunk driving accident? How could I find these things out? I was already thinking of who to call when, around 7:00 a.m., she drove into the driveway. Came into the house, disheveled, wearing her work clothes from the day before. "I'm seeing another man. I'm going to leave you and move in with him. My son will come with me."

I was gutted. Literally could not breath. Actual physical pain in my heart. I drove the son to school, then went to work, closed my office door, and collapsed on the floor weeping uncontrollably. In a brand new city. Knew almost nobody. The one person whom I viewed as my pillar, my anchor, poof! Gone.

Christmas that year was literally Hell. We were separating our household stuff and each planning a move, but getting a new place around Christmas is almost impossible. There was a lot of overlap. I actually came home from a workplace Christmas party, fairly intoxicated, bundled in a warm coat, to find her in the living room watching a movie and canoodling with her new man. They politely retired to the spare room (where she was staying), closed the door, followed by the sounds of giggling and then intimacy. I puked in the toilet next to their room. It was as awful as you can imagine.

I'm telling you this to tell you it gets better. You have to put one foot in front of the other and start moving on. Baby steps at first. In my case, we shared custody of the son on an ad hoc/informal basis, meaning I had to interact with her for years. The first few times, I wept when I saw her and begged her to reconsider. Her eyes were cold as ice. As an aside, I'm pretty sure she is somewhat ASD. She's brilliant but detached in the way one often sees in a description of mild Aspberger's.

Here's a thing. The first time you have sex with somebody new, it will be like the coolest, sweetest drink of water you've ever had, like the first drink after almost dying of thirst in the hot desert. And sex for guys our age is plentiful. A buddy of mine, age 60, recently got divorced. If your equipment still works more or less normally, and if you are solvent, it's a buyer's market out there for men, my friend. Take advantage of it as soon as you possibly can. When you're basking in the afterglow, silently thank your wife.

Years later I met the woman who is now my wife of many years. The son (then in high school) was my best man. It was a sweet wedding and life has been good since then. In many ways I owe a debt of gratitude to my ex. I didn't realize how difficult she was to be in a relationship with until I was in an easy relationship. When we were young, I thought of her as "intense". In hindsight, "intense" is just the flip side of "bat-shit crazy".

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:26 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

From my experience what I can say is reach out when times are overwhelming, tell us what you need specifically so that we can share our experiences with you. The different perspectives that folks have here may help you tremendously.

The best to you and to your family.

Thank you for that Notaboringwife, I appreciate it. I'm using every support system and sounding board I can find at this point.

Butforthegrace thanks. That is quite similar in many ways, and my sympathy that you ad to go through something so horrible. Wow...

She works from home, and she kind of hinted he does too. 24/7 is going to expose all the warts very quickly. I know how she can be after a bad day with her boss, or on housecleaning day, or after a tiff with her mother, or planning meals for the week (she hates that) etc...

Not to gloat from the sidelines but this will take a lot of the sexy passionate shine off of the affair. It is one thing to meet up for drinks in the booth in the back in the corner in the dark, sexy glances and excitement, and another to be in the same house all the time working and doing zoom meetings.

Honeymoon may not last long...

Keep on your path, it will get better.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 4:48 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

What makes all that tougher is I was SO good to this woman. Did my share of helping around the house, provided nicely, was always kind and caring, had her back when she had little tiffs with her family etc... I just can't process how you so coldly betray someone who treats you tht well.

Cheating is about the cheater. Sure, they'll try and convince us that we have somehow caused it, but whether we were an angel catering to all their needs or Attila the Hun in our marriage, we can't choose their priorities or values. Life starts to get better immediately when you really ACCEPT that the WS's cheating has nothing to do with you. You didn't deserve it. You didn't cause it. You couldn't have stopped it. And you can't fix it.

You can't "fix" anyone but yourself because you can't control anyone but yourself. So, what this leaves you with in terms of options is to turn your focus onto yourself, your health and well-being, your future happiness. You might be out of the habit of putting yourself first, but now?.. it's your job to do it. Putting on your own oxygen mask first will help your kids and all the people who care about you. Take the time to do a proper job of your self-care. Get into IC. Expand your social and support networks. Be a little self-involved right now. Make your best friend YOU.

You've had a lifetime nearly of bringing all your important thoughts and news to this one person. I'd been married over thirty years as well when my WH flaked and went on a Craigslist binge. You're used to being vulnerable with your STBX, to sharing everything with her. Then it turns out that she wasn't a safe haven for your truest vulnerabilities, right? But YOU are. You can be there for yourself just like you'd be there for your best friend if he needed you. So, be that for yourself. It will make you strong in ways that you can't even imagine right now.

You're going to be okay. Believe it. We've all been where you are in one form or another and we're still standing. You will too.

Chamomile Tea knocks it out of the park.

I was not blindsided like you in that my ex-WW had cheated previously and I was highly suspicious of a new affair before the final D-Day. Divorce was a no-brainer, but I did make a critical mistake by remaining "friendly" with my ex-WW after we divorced. NC was impossible because we shared custody of a three-year-old. Through her tenacity, she wore me down to a point where I was on "friendly" terms with her and her new husband (not the AP). I gave her this gift only to find out years later that she consistently badmouthed me to anyone that would listen. Completely undeserved, BTW. She even provided me with a phony apology motivated by a self-help program she was taking called Lifespring. A couple of years ago it got back to me about all the terrible lies she was telling about me. I felt like a fool.

In your situation, your children are adults. Don't fall into the trap of becoming her friend. Stay amicable until the divorce is final then go NC forever. Don't give her the gift I so foolishly gave my ex-WW.

Take care of yourself. It will be rough for a while. Lean on family and friends for support. Try and finalize the divorce ASAP so that you can begin to heal. Make it clear to your wife that you will be filing shortly but that you want an amicable and fair resolution so the two of you can move on. Don't waver one inch. Your goal must be to remove her from your life as quickly and painlessly as possible. Meanwhile, work on yourself physically and emotionally. Counseling is not a bad idea with the right person. I suggest you find someone versed in infidelity and betrayal.

*****UPDATE*****

I now know who the OM is thanks to some of the info I got from my MIL. He and my WW worked together for over 20 years; she left that employment four years ago. Sometimes in the same department, but not towards the end. They have not worked together for the last four years. There is a group of 6-8 of them that all worked there previously that get together now and then including WW and OM. His oldest and my youngest are the same age. There were occasional trips to amusement parks when the kids were little and such and his then wife and I were both there most of the time. I would say he has been divorced from her for maybe 8-10 years. He's been to my home (not alone but that whole work crew), we've met them for concerts and other such things, though not since his divorce.

I know he used WW as a bit of a sounding board when going through his divorce while at work. I do believe it was no more than that at the time, I really do, and there's not much I believe in this situation right now... Here's my suspicion. In one of those group get togethers WW expressed her "unhappiness" with our M, and talked to him about it, since he'd gone through a divorce. Next thing you know she's going over there to have longer talks because he was "so supportive" and the train kept rolling on to the next station. Quite frankly, she's normally someone way out of his league. She has (had) class, dresses nice and is attractive for her age; he's not. Quite clearly he saw an opening and did exactly what these cheaters want, validated their feelings, made them feel good, told them how beautiful they are, how could anyone neglect you, played on her emotions etc...She fell right into it I think.

He's my total opposite really. Directly opposite political/world views, religions, values etc...

I don't know what to think now. I've heard the phrase "they always affair down" and yeah, that fits. There are a litany of comparisons, but let's just say she really went downhill here. My sister looked him up on Facebook when I was on the phone with her and all she could say was EEEWWW gross.

Not sure knowing all this is actually better or worse in this equation. I keep telling myself "she left you for that troll????"

This is obviously much more than a normal affair relationship as they have a long history and may know each other better than most APs in these situations. Living together and dealing with people all day every day is a whole different story though I guess.

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 1:36 PM, Thursday, August 11th]

The way to deal with that, make your next GF better looking than your wife.

I don't know what to think now. I've heard the phrase "they always affair down" and yeah, that fits. There are a litany of comparisons, but let's just say she really went downhill here.

The AP could be anyone willing to play a role in her fantasy. She is making him all the wonderful things in her fantasy. I was shocked when I saw my WW AP. Big, old and out of shape. Not her type at all, she is all about fitness, this guy fit the role she played in her head.

This is a flimsy house of cards. It going to crash down, you need to move quickly to position yourself far from the fall out.

I agree her fantasy will eventually crash. Most do. The good news is you will get to the point where you won’t care who she is with, whether it is with the AP or someone else. The goal moving forward is not to feel hate for her or obsess about who she is with. The long term goal is to get to the point of indifference. You simply won’t care. You will be living your best life. The best revenge is a life well lived. Always value yourself. Bad things happen to good people like yourself. It is how you respond to adversity that will pave your way to your future happiness. No contact means no new hurts.

My story is VERY similar to yours. Long term marriage, no red flags, etc, etc.

This shit will leave you questioning EVERYTHING. It is such a stunning, gobsmacking, baffling blindside…you’re gonna be in a mind-fuck shock state for quite a while. Obsessively ruminating over every detail.

Let all this flow through you. Let your mind process. Things will gradually improve.

As others mentioned, move quickly towards divorce. Take advantage of this fleeting opportunity to execute an amicable divorce. Take advantage of the fog, while it lasts, to secure best terms possible while avoiding petty fights over who gets the espresso machine.

DO NOT WAIT FOR HER. DO NOT PLAY THE "PICK ME DANCE".

If, IF, BIG IF, she breaks out of the fog and realizes she F’d up…

She needs to come running after you.

SHE needs to request reconciliation.

She needs to make a VERY compelling argument as to why you should take her back followed up with a VERY well thought out plan for R that includes exhaustive self evaluation and IC. She needs to convince you that you are not her fall back Plan B, that you are her One And Only and that she will devote the balance of her life proving that you.

Anything less than this, and you’re pissing away the remainder of your life in a limbo state that lacks specialness, authenticity, sincerity, security and, true love.

Do not settle for anything less or in between true remorse or a well executed divorce.

I’m your age and I’ve moved on, except for my ramblings her on SI, I have really moved on. I’m with beautiful gal now who has completely taken my mind off this saga.

Say it all the time willing and available are the only requirements. APs are seldom better. I describe them as just living breathing sex dolls used to allow the wayward to live out their fantasy. I'd also bet on at least a significant EA back during his Divorce. He wasn't the only one sharing. Might even be that your children being younger was the only thing that kept her in the M. That'd be an interesting discussion to have with his ex.

None of that changes your path. She choose him, as unworthy as he is, over you. You deserve better than that, so that's all the more reason to move forward with D. Get yourself free to find someone more worthy of you. If somehow, someway, your WW extracts her head from her ass and becomes that person that's worthy cross that bridge then. But don't expect that of her and certainly don't wait hoping her house of cards collapses.

[This message edited by grubs at 11:33 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

fareast

I agree her fantasy will eventually crash. Most do. The good news is you will get to the point where you won’t care who she is with, whether it is with the AP or someone else. The goal moving forward is not to feel hate for her or obsess about who she is with. The long term goal is to get to the point of indifference. You simply won’t care.

Thanks, I think so too, and it will be a big "whatever" to me hopefully by then. I'm working ever day to unwind her mentally from my life, since the physical is a done deal. It's very hard getting past 30 years of GOOD memories, and I'm triggered easily. That being said I've slept a bit better the last two nights which has certainly helped my overall well being.

grubs

I'd also bet on at least a significant EA back during his Divorce. He wasn't the only one sharing.

That's a valid point, and I wouldn't put an EA at the time out of the realm of possibilities. I'd contact his ex, but have no idea where she might be. She's a bit of a wacko anyway...

RealityBlows

My story is VERY similar to yours. Long term marriage, no red flags, etc, etc.

This shit will leave you questioning EVERYTHING. It is such a stunning, gobsmacking, baffling blindside…you’re gonna be in a mind-fuck shock state for quite a while. Obsessively ruminating over every detail.

Let all this flow through you. Let your mind process. Things will gradually improve.

As others mentioned, move quickly towards divorce. Take advantage of this fleeting opportunity to execute an amicable divorce. Take advantage of the fog, while it lasts, to secure best terms possible while avoiding petty fights over who gets the espresso machine.

DO NOT WAIT FOR HER. DO NOT PLAY THE "PICK ME DANCE".

If, IF, BIG IF, she breaks out of the fog and realizes she F’d up…

She needs to come running after you.

SHE needs to request reconciliation.

Thanks. I AM questioning everything, and you're describing exactly what I'm going through. I am NOT playing the "pick me" dance, no sir. I don't see a path where she is able to make the effort required to fix, even if I was willing. Plus, this is such a long-term thing I don't see that as repairable. Besides, as I mentioned elsewhere, she is stubborn and bad at acknowledging errors. She'd sooner continue in misery there than admit she fouled up.