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Divorce/Separation :
He left

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 Losttransport (original poster member #39409) posted at 10:09 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

It’s been a long while from the first confrontation and now. I found his affair back in January and confronted him then. Since then, he said he’d stop the affair several times, but he never did. He just took it underground and kept finding ways to hide it. I’d track him going to her and confront him with it, he’d apologize, and then he’d wait a few weeks or so and then see her again. Always would talk to her.

He saw her on our anniversary, he saw her on Valentine’s Day. He left me the first time for 2 days on Mother’s Day weekend. I found out later through a recording that he went to her. When he came back he agreed to go to counseling and I thought, finally! A breakthrough. He even told the counselor that he broke up with AP that weekend.

But that didn’t happen. And a few weeks later around the end of may I saw him going to her house on my phone. I called him and told him that I knew what he was doing and we needed to meet up and talk about what was going to happen and why he was continuing to lie. We met up near her apartment and he apologized. I told him if he wanted to be with her, then go, but I deserved so much more than having to police someone who told me they loved me, but continued to lie and cheat. He cried. He said he didn’t want a divorce and wanted to love me and stay married to me. So I told him he had to cut the crap: he needed to get into counseling to figure his shit out, I needed access to everything and he needed to call her right then and tell her it was over. He wouldn’t so I did and he hung the phone up when she said, "Hey baby what’s wrong?" So we fought and when we got home he started packing.

I got so scared. I thought, "This is it. This is when it really happens." And I cried and begged him to stay. He’s my person. I couldn’t stand to let him go. So he stayed and of course continued the affair. And I took it. I was so scared to be alone. I’ve been with him since we were 17. I’m 50 now and I just can’t see life without him.

I listened to some of their conversations before this weekend and he was staying because he wanted access to our grandchild. Our grown children are furious with him and 2 won’t even talk to him and he was playing nice staying with me until he could figure out a way to soften up our daughter into letting him and AP with her baby.

Well, I guess he finally didn’t care enough that I knew and he went to see her last Friday. And basically ignored me when he got home. He got up Saturday morning and said I’m going to work, and I told him that he didn’t have to lie, and that I knew AP moved her rv close to our town so he could be called away to work on weekends. He still left and when he came back, I asked him what he was doing: staying or leaving. He said leaving. At first I was so mad at him! But then I got hysterical. Crying and everything. And he still left.

So that’s it so far. I’m separated and headed for a divorce. I’m crying at work and at home and I feel like I’m dying. All over a piece of shit I’m still stupid for loving.

Me: BS-50
Hubby: WS-50
OW: his high school girlfriend
Affair started last November
3 DD, 1 DS all grown
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

posts: 121   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 8744432
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

(((Losttransport)))

I know how surreal and scary it is when it's done, but I promise you him leaving is saving you a LOT of further heartache. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but it's really true.

You deserve so much better and he has shown that he ain't it. He's not committed, he's not faithful, or honest or trustworthy or loving or anything good. Give it some time for the shock to wear off and for your life to start improving and you will be in such a better place I can't even tell you. There's plenty of life without his constant disrespect and abuse - and make no mistake that he has been abusing you mentally. It's traumatic and horrible what he's done to you.

Start getting your ducks in a row. I know it's shocky right now, but start taking steps to protect yourself legally. Get a formal separation order in place, and go do some consults with attorneys to find out about your next steps. He has proven to be a sneaky lying manipulator, so you can't trust anything he promises you about 'fairness' in the divorce. Don't wait on this - do it as soon as is feasibly possible.

And above all have faith that you WILL get through this - not only will you get through it but life on the other side of it is SO much better.

ETA - you are absolutely NOT stupid for loving him so please just take that thought right out of your head - it just takes time for your heart to get in line. YOU are cheese dip - don't let some dewd treat you like free chips and salsa!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 10:28 PM, Tuesday, July 12th]

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3516   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8744435
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:43 AM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

LT, I know how hard this is. My ex wayward souls have a 18 month affair and we were together for 25 years. He walked out a few days before my 50th birthday. Right now everything feels scary and sad and confused. But I promise you that it gets better. Right now take good care of yourself by eating well drinking lots of water leaning on your support system and getting some exercise every day even if it’s just walking around the block a few times. Taking care of your body and your mind will help you handle all of this better. Avoid alcohol.

Go see a lawyer or two or three in the next week to understand your rights. And look online for what documents you need for a divorce. Gather up the financials all the credit cards etc. so that you know exactly where you stand. Separation and divorce are very scary but you’ll be amazed what it feels like when you can come home and not have that walking on eggshells feeling and be able to have peace in your own home. I’m so sorry he was not able to man up and be a good spouse. But I’m truly in a better place now than I ever was.

You might also read the post pinned to the top of the S/D forum. It’s really true that most of the things we fear never happen.

You’re going to be OK. Trust that you are going to be OK.(((hugs)))

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 1:44 AM, Wednesday, July 13th]

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8744467
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 6:53 AM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

The fear is worse than what you have right now. The pain you went through is worse so please trust yourself. You can make it a good life without him. You need confidence. I was the same way. It feels very scary.

I went to live with my sister. Find something you can do every day. He's done hurting you. Now you begin healing. Life will offer you a chance to have beauty and peace and health. No more pain and stress and anguish. You are free.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2365   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8744490
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:55 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

I'm so sorry, lostintransport ((((HUGS))))

I see you joined SI in 2013 - so he's done this before.

I know it hurts, but you are truly better off without this cheater. Please get IC and see your doctor to get checked for STDs and to get something to help you sleep.

Also know that if he's cheating with the OW, he will cheat on her, so congrats to her on winning the booby prize. rolleyes

Sending strength...keep posting for support.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8877   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8744535
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:54 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Girl, list out everything he’s done in the past few months that would make you want him back. Not what or who he has been before but what he’s doing now. I can guarantee that the list will be pretty small if not empty.

Being alone is scary at first, there’s no denying that. But it’s infinitely better than being in this triangle with a POS like your stbx. And it does get better as you slowly take control of your own life again.

He never stopped and won’t stop. And now it’s up to you whether you really want to keep someone like that around. Time to start fighting for yourself now.

ETA: The fact that he even stayed just so he can soften up your daughter for him and AP to access her baby adds bonus points to him being conniving and manipulative. It makes my blood boil for you and your children.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 9:18 PM, Wednesday, July 13th]

posts: 410   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8744559
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 9:07 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Girl, list out everything he’s done in the past few months that would make you want him back.

This is such good advice.

I am responding to emphasize what he has DONE versus what he has SAID.

People can lie with their words... but their actions are always honest.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5295   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8744564
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cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 8:19 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you feel like you can't go on, but you will find the strength to go on. It's much better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship that is ripping your heart out every day. It sounds like he is becoming more and more bold about his choices to see her. Have you thought about talking with a counselor? I have been in your shoes exactly and I didn't think I could survive but God gave me extra strength to navigate the road ahead. My counselor gave me wonderful tips on how to cope, and I am so happy to not be in such a toxic relationship. It was not easy, but we are here for you to vent anytime you need. I'm not suggesting a divorce, I'm suggesting to reach out to others in your life that you trust to help you. Hugs to you.

posts: 166   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8744671
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 10:40 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Your divorce isn't the end. It will be a positive new beginning for you. You will no longer live in fear, have to walk on eggshells, accept mistreatment or irrationally feel inadequate compared to your husband's mistress.

You are also still young enough to meet new people. Go slowly, and watch carefully how they treat you. You might want to pursue therapy, as well, to raise your self-esteem and independence.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8744763
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 Losttransport (original poster member #39409) posted at 9:43 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Good lord, I can’t believe it has almost been a month without him. Whoever said it is a roller coaster is correct. I’ve spent so much time crying, being mad and being ok to start all over again.

When stbx left, and it’s so difficult to even type stbx, I went to pieces. I still go through times when it is surreal, and I think, "How can someone throw away all these years?" But he did and I guess he’s living his best life now.

The Wednesday after he left, he changed his mailing address to his girlfriend’s address. And how did I know this? Easy, it was on our joint checking account where he paid a fee to do it. ALSO, since we share an Amazon account, I saw where he bought a brand new desk and chair and filing cabinet for the home office. The one he said he could never have in our house, because it was easier to work at his regular office.

Lalagirl: yes I’ve been here a long time. He had a phone/text relationship with a former friend of mine, but never got physical. It probably would have, but when I caught the texts, they stopped immediately and went no contact.

We never went to counseling after his emotional affair because we couldn’t afford it. We should have tried harder to afford it. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference, after all, this is his "first love." Let me pause to swallow back the vomit. I am however, in individual counseling now once a week. I guess I never really thought about the intricacies of counseling, but she is really helping me to straighten my thoughts and it has been enlightening. It has helped me to see that we WERE walking on eggshells around the house, because he was in foul moods often, and was overly critical with everyone, but even then I was scared of him leaving. I’m 50 years old and I’ve never been alone before. Of course, I’m really not because my daughters live with me, but you know. I will definitely continue the counseling.

Stbx practically cut off his arm to get away from me. When he left, and even the time that he left before, he said he was giving me the house (it’s not worth a whole lot, but it’s paid for), and he said he would pay off our credit cards, and would pay off our back income taxes (long story, but it is a lot of money and we are using a tax attorney to fix it for us). He got a loan and paid off the credit cards and says he is planning to take on the tax debt himself when it resolves in 8-10 months.

I have gone to 2 attorneys. One in March and one this past Monday. The one from this week is a pit bull. I like him. He recommended filing now and asking for spousal support, the marital home, and part of his pension. (He makes twice what I do, and has twice the pension that I do). He said I would be entitled to greater than half of everything just because of his affair.

Here is my dilemma: I want my house. It needs repairs and it’s not worth a lot, but it’s mine and I know in this economy that I won’t be able to get a mortgage for something else. I’m worried that if I turn this into a fight, he will decide he wants his half of the value of the house. Or he may say, nope you can pay for half the tax bill. The lawyer said the irs could make its own decision and make the both of us pay half despite what he says now. And then I’d have to depend that he would keep his work. Hmmm, when did he also give me his word? That’s right, when we got married! So I’m not trusting him at all.

So I’m trying to decide how this may play out. I have another 7 or so weeks before I need to file, because if I wait till after stbx has established residency in another county, he can file there. And I definitely don’t want that. But a $4000 retainer is putting me right back in credit card debt. It’s a lot to digest now.

Thank you everyone for your care and your kind words. They mean everything right now.

Me: BS-50
Hubby: WS-50
OW: his high school girlfriend
Affair started last November
3 DD, 1 DS all grown
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

posts: 121   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2013   ·   location: Texas
id 8748230
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

you can always put whatever you need fixed on the credit card and use some of the funds in the joint account for now. As of right now, no one has filed D, so the house belongs to you both. If something needs to get fixed, you both will be responsible. So might as well have your ex pay half.

As for the lawyer, you can always ask for a payment plan. Also know that since you ex makes more, you can have your attorney ask for help from the ex in paying part of the legal fees. I had to pay for my exes legal fees. Sounds like time is not on your side, so you better get a move on both the D, and issues with the house. Whatever you get from the house, maybe you get a smaller portion from his pension. Its a negotiation, its not split everything evenly down the middle, its split things in an evenly way, and obviously based on the advice of your attorney.

posts: 1345   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8748460
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