Good lord, I can’t believe it has almost been a month without him. Whoever said it is a roller coaster is correct. I’ve spent so much time crying, being mad and being ok to start all over again.
When stbx left, and it’s so difficult to even type stbx, I went to pieces. I still go through times when it is surreal, and I think, "How can someone throw away all these years?" But he did and I guess he’s living his best life now.
The Wednesday after he left, he changed his mailing address to his girlfriend’s address. And how did I know this? Easy, it was on our joint checking account where he paid a fee to do it. ALSO, since we share an Amazon account, I saw where he bought a brand new desk and chair and filing cabinet for the home office. The one he said he could never have in our house, because it was easier to work at his regular office.
Lalagirl: yes I’ve been here a long time. He had a phone/text relationship with a former friend of mine, but never got physical. It probably would have, but when I caught the texts, they stopped immediately and went no contact.
We never went to counseling after his emotional affair because we couldn’t afford it. We should have tried harder to afford it. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference, after all, this is his "first love." Let me pause to swallow back the vomit. I am however, in individual counseling now once a week. I guess I never really thought about the intricacies of counseling, but she is really helping me to straighten my thoughts and it has been enlightening. It has helped me to see that we WERE walking on eggshells around the house, because he was in foul moods often, and was overly critical with everyone, but even then I was scared of him leaving. I’m 50 years old and I’ve never been alone before. Of course, I’m really not because my daughters live with me, but you know. I will definitely continue the counseling.
Stbx practically cut off his arm to get away from me. When he left, and even the time that he left before, he said he was giving me the house (it’s not worth a whole lot, but it’s paid for), and he said he would pay off our credit cards, and would pay off our back income taxes (long story, but it is a lot of money and we are using a tax attorney to fix it for us). He got a loan and paid off the credit cards and says he is planning to take on the tax debt himself when it resolves in 8-10 months.
I have gone to 2 attorneys. One in March and one this past Monday. The one from this week is a pit bull. I like him. He recommended filing now and asking for spousal support, the marital home, and part of his pension. (He makes twice what I do, and has twice the pension that I do). He said I would be entitled to greater than half of everything just because of his affair.
Here is my dilemma: I want my house. It needs repairs and it’s not worth a lot, but it’s mine and I know in this economy that I won’t be able to get a mortgage for something else. I’m worried that if I turn this into a fight, he will decide he wants his half of the value of the house. Or he may say, nope you can pay for half the tax bill. The lawyer said the irs could make its own decision and make the both of us pay half despite what he says now. And then I’d have to depend that he would keep his work. Hmmm, when did he also give me his word? That’s right, when we got married! So I’m not trusting him at all.
So I’m trying to decide how this may play out. I have another 7 or so weeks before I need to file, because if I wait till after stbx has established residency in another county, he can file there. And I definitely don’t want that. But a $4000 retainer is putting me right back in credit card debt. It’s a lot to digest now.
Thank you everyone for your care and your kind words. They mean everything right now.