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Off Topic :
Getting an “I don’t care” attitude

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 The1stWife (original poster member #58832) posted at 1:52 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Really struggling with this. Could use some advice from this trusted group.

As I’ve mentioned I recently left my church after 25 years due to the behavior of the Senior Pastor. I should mention she’s done some mean things to me in the past, but I just ignored it. This last incident was the last straw and she lied in her email. I had the hard evidence to show she lied and I decided I was done with her "mean girl" persona.

When I left and resigned all my leadership roles, I made sure that people knew why. My words were that I was done battling with the pastor. I tried my hardest to avoid these battles but she continued to be impossible to work with.

Note: big decline last 5 years in church membership and most of my peer group have left as well. All due to the Senior Pastor.

I keep hearing (from my church connections) what people are saying about me. Comments like "I need to get over it", "I need to return to the church", "I should be participating in church events" etc.

I don’t know why these comments bother me and/or upset me but they do. They are being said by people who were not my good friends - just people I interacted with over the years whom I was friendly with.

My H hates ti see me bothered by all this. I don’t have as thick a skin as I should.

But I would like to develop one. But how?

I need to stop dwelling on this. I need to put this in the past. I know the senior pastor has spread lies about me to save face as that is her MO. I know I cannot defend myself but it irks me nonetheless.

Willing to listen and try any and all suggestions.

PS I already found a new church I am happy with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:55 PM, Friday, June 17th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12801   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740614
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:57 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Drop your "connections" with the old church. It's over and you have a new church. Time to move on and go no contact with the abusive pastor. Real no contact takes the form of no mutual friends, etc., who will send messages along. Once you're really no contact and no longer involved or hearing about the pastor & how she's influenced others at the church, you will no longer get upset & the episode will fade further back into a distant memory.

It's just like getting over a bad breakup. You can't leave one foot in, and expect to not be affected by it. You have to turn your back and completely move on, leaving that noise behind you.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:00 PM, Friday, June 17th]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8740615
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:27 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

I guess the real question/answer is WHY do you care what these people say or think.
They aren't in your friend circle, and they have little to impact on your life.

Is it because of the Pastor, and knowing that she continues to lie, and manipulate? I would encourage you to let that go, and wait for the Karma bus to pull up, because it will.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19611   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8740630
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 The1stWife (original poster member #58832) posted at 2:54 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

I don’t know why it bothers me when people talk smack about me.

I want to get to a place where it does not affect me.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12801   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740652
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 The1stWife (original poster member #58832) posted at 2:59 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

The karma bus has arrived for this pastor.

I found out she was being laid in cash for church services and not reporting it as revenue to the church.

It’s fraud for one thing. It’s illegal also. She stupidly had put it in writing.

That’s no longer happening.

Many people have walked away in the last 18 months due to her behavior.

She stood on the altar and referred to the congregation in a derogatory way - more than once in an epic meltdown that we have on video. She’s denied saying it — but then again that’s what liars do.

So karma has arrived. And it’s her own doing.

But the story of my leaving is that I overreacted and had a hissy fit. That’s what irks me.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:59 PM, Friday, June 17th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12801   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740654
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Seriously I'd be irked too. I can't fathom people telling you to stop overreacting. They are asking you to stop having morals, standards and boundaries. They accept or ignore the unethical and wrong behavior and want you to do the same? Ugh. Cutting ties with any minimizers would be easy for me but I have a strong judgmental streak.

It really galls me when people in positions of responsibility in community, church and political organizations fail to honor their commitments or use their positions for their own gain instead of the good of the group. It is especially puzzling when they convince so many others to go along, or to look away. It sucks, and you are the one who took a stand and walked away. I would be right there with you, saying Nope to all that rather than stay against my principles. I also don't like others to talk badly about me and would be fighting the urge to advocate for myself or set the story straight. But if these folks are not important in your life, maybe you can let that go. Be the bitch that left and be proud for doing it.

Glad you found a new church that you are happy with.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth. I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8740677
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 3:50 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

She sounds very narcissistic, and smear campaigns are one of their go to punishments.

If you are going to ask friends what she is saying or doing because the curiosity is too much, then you'll need to work extra hard not to let what you hear bother you.

Or you could ask friends not to speak of her, especially if you know the information is going to rile you up.

But the truth of it is that you worked hard, lived ethically, and take pride in being a fair, mature person. So it's extremely difficult to have someone malign those honest efforts. You wouldn't have worked hard to live a life of doing right by others if it didn't matter to you, and then she swoops in with her non-empathy personality disordered self and undoes something that you spent years establishing. And she does it with malicious lies! Anyone in your shoes would be really, really bothered.

I have had this happen with a couple people, and I found that continuing to live my life up here on the high road--like you--along with that dreaded slow poke TIME did the trick. The "I don't care anymore" finally set in.

You'll get there! And she'll get what she's owed as well. I'll get my popcorn popping. grin

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740680
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doninvaun ( member #75329) posted at 4:01 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

This senior pastor sounds like she's quite a character, doesn't it make you wonder why she chose to be a pastor in the first place?

posts: 67   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8740685
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 The1stWife (original poster member #58832) posted at 4:10 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

You guys have hit the nail on the head.

I get these comments from well intentioned friends. I need to make that stop.

Time will make a difference. I agree with that too.

My true friends know the truth and this last incident occurred b/c one of them stood up for me.

And I did put my full commitment into the church. I was a youth leader and Sunday school teacher and participated in leading so many events. My record should speak for itself.

Funny thing is how many people have been in my same position. Just run out the door b/c of a mean girl pretending to be a minister.

Now that I stood up for myself (finally) and walked away is when the bombs keep coming at me.

I need to learn to not take it personally. I’m just one of many.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12801   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740688
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 6:20 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Maybe when you left, you went from being an us to a them and therefore you have to be the bad guy. There may be no reasoning or middle ground, just like the political divide we have been witnessing, with little regard for truth beyond the party line.

People get pretty invested in their paradigms and in order to protect their group, you have to come back to the fold or be an enemy. It's sad. But walking away was your best choice, it seems you may not get through on reason alone. They drank the kool aid. Hope you pastor gets what she deserves.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth. I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8740737
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 The1stWife (original poster member #58832) posted at 6:46 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

The comments coming to me are unsolicited. People just pop in with "I heard….,,".

I need to stop the sharing of info in that regard. When or if people start I need to say "please don’t tell me …".

I removed a few from my FB group (quietly of course) so I cannot see posts. That stops the flow of info (not that I post often).

A few strong steps to keep me moving forward. 🍻

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12801   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740742
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 7:39 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

I think you’ll get there with your "don’t care" — it sounds more like the church and community are what you care about, more than the people talking about you.

Strength is the key to how I ended up NOT being hurt or bothered by perceptions of others.

For me, it was how I ended up here on SI that started my path to finding strength to give no value to the opinions of anyone outside dear family and friends. Once my reality was permanently altered regarding how humans can treat each other, it was when I knew only I can live my life.

I lean into better versus bitter, and anytime someone thinks they can validate me or my choices, I simply ignore them. If they keep chirping, I still take the high road.

When you get there, it’s a beautiful day, to truly not care one bit about their uniformed opinions. That’s what they are. Uninformed.

Life is about the people you love and the ones who love you back.

I wish the detractors well, but I don’t require their judgments and sure as heck don’t need their approval.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4408   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8740747
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:02 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Wow, pop some popcorn and watch along. Seems like she projects a lot of her problems outward on others.

It stinks when you get that kind of blow back from people who you used to work with and lead. They're likely scrambling a bit to fill your shoes.

I'm sorry for the whole congregation that they got stuck with this lady as a pastor.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 898   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8740753
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:00 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Don’t get me started on toxic churches and Pastors. We were in a church and the new Pastor was just mean. Calling people out publicly in a sermon, but not by name only vague details, enough so that the congregation knew who he was getting at. Several people would go to his office and ask if there is problem. He be so nice and say that wasn’t directed at you. Liar, gaslighter. Anytime people left the church he took it personal and would preach on them for weeks, not right with God, doesn’t back the Pastor stuff.

We bought a house 30 miles away and the time and distance was getting to be too much. We decided to visit a local church close to us and the Pastors know each other.

As a courtesy I went to our Pastor after Sunday morning service and told him, we need a church closer to home and will be visiting the other church, I wanted him to hear it from me and not someone else. He was very appreciative that I gave him a courtesy heads up. He said it meant a lot to him that I told him.

We go back Sunday night and while preaching he stops and yells for my daughter to stop talking. I was next to her she was not talking. He rants at her 5 minutes, she bawling, then said "If your Daddy doesn’t like it, don’t let the door hit you on the way out". His henchmen shouting "amen"!!!!

Obviously we never returned, but he preached for weeks about how I didn’t back the Pastor when he corrected my daughter.

Well God blew that place wide open. There were half a dozen child molesters in the church, mostly his henchmen. Members were going to the Pastor with concerns and he would say I’m looking in to it. All the allegations were being covered up. Someone went to the police and 4 were arrested including the Pastor.

I feel bad for the victims they had no voice, but seeing his mug shot all over the news was awesome!!!!

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2009   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8740854
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 11:24 PM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

It sounds as if you were deeply entrenched in your home church, so that has to sting. I'm sorry.

I don't go to church. Too many mean people, too much politics, too many sex offenders and random mass killers coming in the door.

My church is at home, doing all the good I can to help others and watching nature out my windows. smile

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3344   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8740870
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:56 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

It sounds like they miss your hard work and all your effort and involvement. Now they have to do the work you did, and it is easier to badmouth you. Honestly sounds like junior high, not a group of adults.

I am glad you have a found a new church that you enjoy.

Hope you find that place of indifference… maybe realize you need quality people in your life, not quantity. And they are not quality.
(At least not in this area).

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5110   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8740872
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:18 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

I want to say, "Jesus, what church do y’all go to?" but I get that that is an inappropriate question. I grew up in a conservative denomination where there would be vague references to things, but what y’all have gone through is just unimaginable.

What is more scary than the pastor being a whack job, is that he/she has wrangled a bunch of cohorts.

I’m just so sorry for both of your experiences.

Don’t let your PREVIOUS "friends" words hurt you if you can. Maybe they are just jerks. Maybe they are afraid she will turn on them. It’s probably why these so called ministers publicly harass people…to put fear in others of what will happen if they too revolt. Either way, they don’t have enough integrity at this point to concern you.

You know who you are, and your REAL friends know who you are.

Hopefully a righteous leader will replace the riff raff and the church can be REAL again. With time

SMH

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7684   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740883
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 The1stWife (original poster member #58832) posted at 10:57 AM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

What’s Right

Thank you!

It’s a Protestant Church. We joined b:c we liked the church and the firmer senior pastor. However about 9 years ago a group of church members + this (woman) pastor railroaded the senior pastor out the door.

The woman pastor took over. Since as members we have voting rights — a majority of the people / congregation voted her in. We had a great younger assoc pastor who would become the new senior pastor in time. In 2 years she got rid of that great younger pastor.

That’s the SAD story. How one person can basically destroy a good church.

I don’t know why I’m surprised by her as she has shunned my core peer group and refused to even say hello to us for months.

I changed my social media pages to block her staunch supporters (not that I am on social media much anyway). So I don’t see their posts and they don’t see mine.

Lesson learned - I will never get involved in a church again. I will go and attend service. Nothing more.

And they wonder why there are so few men in the church lol. They witness the mean girl behavior and flee lol 😂

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12801   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740888
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 1:37 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Lesson learned - I will never get involved in a church again. I will go and attend service. Nothing more.

Same for us, we are still faithful believers, but not getting involved in any church.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 2009   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8740898
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 3:41 PM on Sunday, June 19th, 2022

Oh, it makes me so sad to hear that. That is the real damage that these idiots do…they run off the good, strong leaders.

Once upon a time, my first husband was a minister. I helped put him through seminary, and then he got his first job. He was a youth/recreation minister. The people in the church were truly bizarre. Nothing like what you all are talking about, but there were things about that congregation that gave me the willies. And my husbands response to their weirdness was to kiss up to them and become one of them.

I was very young and impressionable, and very "one track" regarding my faith, and after we divorced, I couldn’t enter a church (for 2 years) without having an anxiety attack.

Thank God (literally) that I worked through that.

I hope that y’all will feel comfortable taking your place again at some point. If not, I’m guessing your presence and example will do a world of good.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7684   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8740906
Topic is Sleeping.
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