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Newest Member: Arcangel

Divorce/Separation :
Tell the kids I say "Hello"

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 hcsv (original poster member #51813) posted at 5:17 PM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

I havent spoken to ex since divorce in January 2017, three adult children havent spoken to him in 4-6 years.

I told him between Dday and divorce that his relationship with his kids is his to repair or lose, that I was done being the go between with excuses for everyone.

With the most recent alimony check he writes he would like me to tell them "Hello" from him. He has done this before and I have struggled with how to handle it. While I would like the kids to know their father is at least thinking about them, it also screams that he doesnt think of them enough to reach out and tell them himself. I also know that this small gesture, depending on which child, will either make them angry or sad, and could be a rabbit hole for one of them.

A simple "thinking of you, hope you are well" would go a long way. No response necessary, take it or leave it. After all these years, it is clear he is just not capable of this.

It does make me very sad that they dont have a relationship. He has missed a wedding, birth of a grandchild he has never met, a PhD graduation, first cars, first apartments and jobs....so much.

So, do I share this message with the kids? Or stay out of it as I declared many years ago.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 708   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8738755
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 5:29 PM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

NO. It is not your place to play messenger OR mediator! You told him it was his relationship to save or lose in 2017! Do you REALLY want your kids to lose sleep trying to wrestle with this lame attempt at triangulation? Say nothing to them OR him! If he wants to tell them something, then it's up to him to go directly to them and not through you. When you divorced him, you stopped doing wife things, like this, for him!

[This message edited by ArkLaMiss at 11:30 AM, June 5th (Sunday)]

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1732   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8738759
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 6:44 PM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

No. His comment reeks of self-pity. Designed to make you feel sorry for him. His sad sack routine worked. He got you thinking about him - you're seriously considering taking on the role of go-between again. His "request" (manipulation) sent you down your own small rabbit hole :-). Which IMHO was his real goal. Not to build bridges with his kids. Lame attempt at triangulation indeed! He's an adult. Your kids are adults. If he really wants to say hello to the kids he can do so himself. He knows this.

He made his choices. And continues to make his own choices. Keep up the no-contact, and don't buy into his pity party. How about setting up Venmo or deposit the checks directly into your account (or something like that) so he doesn't have the opportunity to push your buttons with unwelcome commentary? The alimony checks are apparently the one manipulation avenue still open to him! Shut that down.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:46 PM, Sunday, June 5th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 63
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 117   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8738766
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:12 PM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

Your kids are adults. You H is an adult.

It is up to them to connect.

He cannot use you as his middleman. If he’s too much of a coward to contact them — that’s his problem.

And maybe your kids don’t reach out to him b/c they are not interested.

I would say you let the XH know you are not relaying messages. He should contact them if he’s interested in saying hello.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12110   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8738788
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:46 PM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

No. You're not his message girl and you both know it. If he really cared, he would reach out to them directly.

I speak as both a BS with an ex who's a crappy parent, and as the child of a man who abandoned us when we were teens. Being told decades later that "Dad wants to talk with you" didn't mean anything positive to me. He died and I did not attend his funeral. No regrets.

Remind your ex one more time that you don't pass messages, and maybe he'll stop.

posts: 348   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8738794
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WorldTraveler23 ( member #36528) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

If it was a genuine and heartfelt statement, I might tell them. But this is not that and there’s no point in messing with their minds over something meaningless. I’m sorry.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2012
id 8738801
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 hcsv (original poster member #51813) posted at 3:52 AM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

Thank you all, I know you are all right. The one point I hadnt realized until it was mentioned in your replies is that it is continued manipulation and self pity and yes, I let it take me down my own rabbit hole.

Now to climb out of that rabbit hole and fill it in. There wont be a next time.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 708   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8738812
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twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 3:53 PM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

((((hugs))))

My ex tried playing that game too - it really was a game, because he wasn't actually seeing or speaking to our kiddos. He also doesn't support them, but he would text me "tell the kids i'm thinking of them" instead of texting the actual children on their own phones at their own number.

They want us to do it, so that they can claim it's our fault their relationships with the kids suck, because we couldn't even be bothered to tell the kids their other parent was thinking of them look

But I refuse to play that game and upset the children by telling them their deadbeat dad is thinking of them.....because if they can't walk the walk, I'm not helping them to talk the talk.

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 468   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8738851
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 hcsv (original poster member #51813) posted at 4:54 PM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

want us to do it, so that they can claim it's our fault their relationships with the kids suck, because we couldn't even be bothered to tell the kids their other parent was thinking of them

It is this!!!!!!

[This message edited by hcsv at 4:55 PM, Monday, June 6th]

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 708   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8738859
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, June 6th, 2022

if they can't walk the walk, I'm not helping them to talk the talk

Amen.

posts: 348   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8738914
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 10:11 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

"I don't work for you anymore."

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 164   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8739092
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 hcsv (original poster member #51813) posted at 11:17 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

Isn't that the truth, Curiousobserver!

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 708   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8739101
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ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 10:53 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

nope, he fired you from that job. And - his relationship with his children is on HIM.

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8443   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8739428
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