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Loss of Innocence

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 Livingingrief (original poster member #79723) posted at 3:00 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

As a BS, I know how hard it is to accept that your spouse shared something that was only ment for the two of you. I know how hard it is to accept that I will never able to say my H has only been with me. That loss, for me, was one of the worst parts of infidelity.
Can any WSs explain why don't yall have the same loss? Why didn't it hurt to take away the purity of the M? Sex was just sex while cheating so does that mean that sex just sex with your BS as well? Why didn't you see sex as something sacred?

posts: 54   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8734797
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 8:04 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Speaking in generalities here, it’s something sacred to some people but not others.

Speaking for myself, I did not have a feeling of "purity" within the marriage because I had previously been with others, as had my H. Speaking only for myself, I would only feel a sense of purity or sacredness or only meant for the two of us if my spouse and I had only ever been with each other.

Edited to add: I am not excusing or justifying infidelity. I am only answering your specific question.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 8:06 PM, Thursday, May 12th]

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6345   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8734901
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FireandWater ( new member #80084) posted at 8:47 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I'm right there with you. I don't get it either and I'm having a very hard time processing that my WH has now been with someone else. We are the rare couple that had previously only had sex with each other. We met and fell instantly in love when we were young. We had our first sexual experiences with each other. We stayed exclusive for seven years before getting married 34 years ago. I thought I would be the only one for him, and he would be the only one for me. Sex was something sacred between us, or so I thought. He broke the sanctity of our intimate life together. He chose to have sex, over and over, with someone else. She demanded that it become a romantic relationship. I saw her email messages where she badgered him to tell her he loved her. If not, she would assume he was only using her for sex and she would cut him off. He says he didn't want to believe he could use anyone just for sex, so he went along with her wishes and made all kinds of romantic declarations. So not only did he have sex with her, he shifted his emotional energy solely to her. He gave her parts of himself that should have been strictly reserved for me, forever. If he felt the need to have this relationship with someone else, I wish he would have told me early on. At least I could have made an informed choice about my own future. Sure, it would have been painful to hear, but at least I would know where I stood. Instead, I was betrayed and lied to for two entire years and now I have to deal with the intense emotional pain of knowing what was going on right under my nose.

He says he never loved her. He says he only wanted sex and he was weak and couldn't get himself to stop seeing her. He also says he has a fear of being hated by anyone, so he went along with her wishes to avoid having her hate him. But he says he didn't stop to think about whether or not I would hate him because he never intended me to find out. He now says that each time he tried to dig deep and find feelings for her, he would find them for me. He said the A got him to realize how much he loves me and wants to do whatever is necessary to fix things with me and have the future we dreamed of. Do I buy that? I don't know. If he found so many feelings for me, why didn't that prompt him to leave her, fess up and beg my forgiveness? Again, he says he was too weak. He didn't want her to hate him. He couldn't deal with her hurt and, as long as I didn't know, I wasn't being hurt.

So, I totally get what you're asking, and my answer is that I don't know what makes them not think about the loss of innocence in their marriage. Apparently, they lead with their groins and they don't think about the fallout. They don't think we're smart enough to put the clues together and blow up their secret sex lives. It's really sad to find out the person you trusted with your heart and your life was able to readily stomp on it the second they got the chance to have sex with someone new.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8734908
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

I’m a BH, but my WW and I have been together since high school, and we were both each other’s first and only sexual partners…..she is still my one and only, and hurts that I am not her’s.

I’ve asked my WW about this many times. She says she feels horrible that she destroyed that "special" thing that we both shared. I was also very upset on dday as she admitted to a ONS while we were dating and had I known this prior to marriage, I’m not certain we would have gotten married. So, I feel like I was robbed of my choice.

Over the years (prior to dday), when we were together with friends, the topic of sexual partners would sometimes come up. She would emphatically state I was her one and only, even though she had a ONS about 2-3 years into our relationship.

As a guy, I was always embarrassed that I had no experience other than with my WW. As I got older, I felt more and more that we did have something special.

I consider myself to be agnostic, as does my wife. But I remember the night she had her ONS vividly, and there was something I can’t explain going on that night.

My WW was in post secondary school (first semester) and I was working full time (night shift). A buddy had a place we would go to blow off some steam and invited me and my WW to join. There were about 10-12 of us going. My WW said she had too much school work to go, so I went solo. We also fought that day, ironically about my lack of proposing to her. I was a pragmatist, and didn’t see the importance of getting engaged when she had just started a nearly four year degree and we wouldn’t be getting married until she was done school and we were more established. I left for the trip with both of us unhappy with each other.

Little did I know, she went to a party with her classmates the next day (Saturday) and screwed some random classmate in the garage at this party. It was one of those scenarios that young men talk about. The guy approached my WW and said want to f#ck? Well, turns out she did, and they skipped off to the romantic garage to screw barf

While this was going on, I was away, having a good time, drinks flowing. A couple of the girls that were on the trip started making out next to me on a bed (this was at one of those double wide vacation type trailers) next to me. I was a bit uncomfortable, but as a young, horny male, I stayed to watch a bit. Then they two women invited me to join them. Talk about a Dear Penthouse moment….I thought about it for 1-2 seconds and said, thanks, but no thanks and left the room.

This occurred basically at the same time as my WW was screwing this random guy at a party.

I feel this was some kind of test of our relationship, I passed, and she failed miserably.

When I got home, she was upset and wanted to make up after our fight the previous Friday. I was more than happy to make up as I always wanted to marry her, but the practical side of me was thinking what’s the hurry, but I know now, she felt differently. For her, she felt like I wasn’t committed. A few months after this happened, I did tell her what I had experienced that weekend and that I felt I made the right choice in not engaging in some threesome while away from my WW. She didn’t even flinch, and now I understand why.

As I got older, I felt that what we had endured over our relationship and that we were each other’s first and only was special, so different than our friends.

Dday destroyed this "special" thing we had, and in fact, it was only special for 2-3 years until she decided to screw it up for some random guy at a party…..in a garage, just pathetic.

posts: 760   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8734917
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

We were each others only sexual partners, together for 40 years, married 35. Yes that hurts, but knowing he violated the sanctity of the marriage and family to me is worse. He shared everything which a husband and wife share, or a parent and child. That this person knows every intimate detail of my life, his children's lives, both physical, financial and emotional, well, it's unforgivable.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 694   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8734923
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:57 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

He says he never loved her. He says he only wanted sex and he was weak and couldn't get himself to stop seeing her.

"Just sex" is easily available. If it was just sex, he would have easily moved on to someone else who wasn't hung up on him emotionally and potentially problematic as a result.

[This message edited by morningglory at 2:53 AM, Friday, May 13th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734956
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 2:13 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I know how hard it is to accept that I will never able to say my H has only been with me. That loss, for me, was one of the worst parts of infidelity...Can any WSs explain why don't yall have the same loss? Why didn't it hurt to take away the purity of the M?

The WS might well not have been a virgin when you were a virgin. That is a not uncommon fib to make. Given his cheating, you know he's capable of lying and a lot more, so you should face the realistic possibility that you were not his first sex partner. That would explain why he didn't feel a sense of loss of lifetime sexual exclusivity- he already had been with someone else.

I saw a reality show once in which a wife, within a newlywed couple who both claimed to have been virgins at their recent marriage, was rushed to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain. It turned out she was pregnant and in labor with a preemie. The loving husband was obviously shocked (it was impossible for him to be the father), but still supportive. She told him, "I actually did have sex with someone else before the marriage, but just once." Yeah, sure.

WS's will keep telling them for as long as BS's keep believing them.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734960
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:20 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022


He said the A got him to realize how much he loves me and wants to do whatever is necessary to fix things with me and have the future we dreamed of.

I will never understand why waywards think that this is such a noble, romantic, and convincing declaration to make. Why should you be happy that he had to destroy you to realize that he loves you? You didn't have to break him into a million pieces to know that you loved him!

Here's my translation: "I never actually thought I would get caught and have to face the consequences of what I did, which were actually way worse than I was anticipating, and so I'll say absolutely anything that I think will get me out of this mess, even if it's totally cliche and ridiculous."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:20 AM, Friday, May 13th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 735   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8734961
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 3:00 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

37 years my wife and I have been together. She has had more partners than I. She has cheated numerous times. I remained faithful our entire marriage. I believed and lived the specialness of what I thought was going on. But it was a lie and now I simply don’t. I get the loss of innocence. It’s like the blue pill or the red one from the matrix. Some days you want everything to go back to the way it was. Others your at peace with your decision to stay. Others your looking over at the prize thinking why am I here. Infidelity simply sucks.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8734964
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:14 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

The loss is very hard for me. She took something very precious and sacred from me that I will never get back. She stole it and gave it to a stranger that only saw it as a notch on his bed post.

We are doing well in R but what was lost I can never get back, I will never feel that confident, innocent freedom we had before she took advantage of it and used it against me.

I choose to not dwell on the loss and it has helped my healing, I also have made many self improvements and attitude adjustments. She knows that at anytime she finds something or someone better, she is free to go. I have a lot to be thankful for and choose to see the glass half full.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1377   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735173
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 Livingingrief (original poster member #79723) posted at 9:34 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

My H and I were not each others first but I still feel this loss of purity. I guess I feel this way because we have both only been with each other for so long. Knowing that he has now had an experience with someone else during our relationship, I somehow feel like our sex life is less special. Even as he says he regrets it and he wishes he could change it, I still feel sadness. I will never ever again be able to say my H has only been with me since we have been together and that hurts like a bitch. I always looked at his faithfulness as a sign of his love for me. Knowing that he didn't care that he was sharing himself with another makes me feel so insecure. I know what he did didn't do any of this because of me. But I still hurt so much when I think about the fact that he didn't see fidelity as sacred and special as I did.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8735206
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:45 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Knowing that he didn't care that he was sharing himself with another makes me feel so insecure.

I pride myself on being a great H. Honest, faithful, great provider. Before Dday I hadn’t ever raised my voice to my W or kids. I had this security and confidence that if a man ever approached her she would laugh in his face. It really hit hard after Dday that I had the false confidence that I did.

At about the one year mark the shock and anger wore off and I got my confidence back, it scared the hell out of her because I told her IDGAF anymore, she can leave anytime she wants and I would be just fine. The other thing was she told me we are "soulmates", umm no, I no longer believe in soulmates, and if I did, well I never found her. You have to take the attitude that you are the prize not him, if he doesn’t like it, it’s his loss. I didn’t get there immediately but I plan to stay here.

If nothing changes we will make it in R, it’s just that things are changed forever in our M and I had no say so in it.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1377   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8735217
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 12:05 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Sad we all find our self here -

Folks have said what seems to be a standard playbook - just change the pronouns to fit.

We are doing well in R but what was lost I can never get back, I will never feel that confident, innocent freedom we had before she took advantage of it and used it against me.

******************

I choose to not dwell on the loss and it has helped my healing, I also have made many self improvements and attitude adjustments. She knows that at anytime she finds something or someone better, she is free to go. I have a lot to be thankful for and choose to see the glass half full.

*****************

My H and I were not each others first but I still feel this loss of purity. I guess I feel this way because we have both only been with each other for so long. Knowing that he has now had an experience with someone else during our relationship, I somehow feel like our sex life is less special. Even as he says he regrets it and he wishes he could change it, I still feel sadness. I will never ever again be able to say my H has only been with me since we have been together and that hurts like a bitch. I always looked at his faithfulness as a sign of his love for me. Knowing that he didn't care that he was sharing himself with another makes me feel so insecure. I know what he did didn't do any of this because of me. But I still hurt so much when I think about the fact that he didn't see fidelity as sacred and special as I did.

****************

If nothing changes we will make it in R, it’s just that things are changed forever in our M and I had no say so in it.

I can't add anything to this

Not Just Friends

posts: 627   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8735233
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