I know I’m far from the perfect spouse. But I can look myself in the mirror and know I gave my husband my whole heart …
Yes, absolutely. Again, I just want to reiterate that my comment was nothing to do about blame for the affair or the marriage getting strained before the affair. That was 100% him. I was exclusively referring to how a person can get blindsided, because they don't notice or register the change in their partner's behavior.
Blaming marriage problems for an affair is a typical cheater dodge. Often, the marriage problems were created by the cheater as he or she distanced from the marriage to make room first for the idea of an affair, and then the actual affair. The "marriage problems" line is a self-fulfilling prophesy.
"We weren't connecting." Yeah, not connecting because you regularly gave one-word answers when the BS asked you with sincere focus how your day was, or how you were feeling, because you wanted to detach from the BS as you focused on someone else.
"The spark was gone." Yeah, the spark was gone because you often withheld sex, or stopped initiating sex, or made it perfunctory, due to wanting to save your sexual energies for someone else (either IRL or in the WS's imagination).
"Our relationship was cold." Yeah, it was cold because you pulled away when the BS tried to embrace you, because you wouldn't really kiss the BS anymore, and because you stopped looking at the BS with love.
"We were having problems." Yeah, you were having problems because you already had an alternative and/or exit plan in your mind, and nourished that every time you and the BS had a run of the mill disagreement, instead of focusing on making your marriage better.
[This message edited by morningglory at 1:47 AM, Saturday, May 14th]