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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 3:46 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

I’m glad anything I have to say might be of use to you or if nothing else help you feel like you’re not alone. I don’t have time to write much now but wanted to say that five years out my hatred for the other woman burns white hot. I know I’m transferring some of my anger at him onto her otherwise I wouldn’t be able to stay in the same room with him. But she’s as complicit as he is. She did to her husband what he did to me and I know that they are both broken people who did incredible damage to the people that loved them the most . I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I am not like them and I get to hold my head high knowing I conducted my life in accordance with my core values and I never knowingly or selfishly harmed another person. It’s not much but it’s something. Take care.

BW: 63 WH: 63 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth and so many lies. I got rid of her with one email but she still haunts me. Reconciling, or trying to.

posts: 479   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8734524

pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:41 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Mine had a long term too. I had the twist where he was treating me badly and getting ready to go. I could not figure out what was wrong. Well I knew they were talking but he gaslit me extensively about the affair. I was too trusting and didn't want to believe. I thought he had a best friend and was using her to get out of his job situation and talk things out. They traded favors all the time. Horrible when you feel pushed to the side 8n your own relationship. How easily they do it. Helping themselves to whatever they like. Using energy and money and love that should have gone to you on someone else. Selfish selfish people. Ungrateful. Unrepentant. What they regret is getting caught.

Now don't get fooled. He's been fooling you a long time now and he's good at it.

Whatever you think, those two may still be planning things on you doing damage control. Mine agreed with his serpent that they would say it was over already if they got caught. These are seasoned liars. Then they laid low and took things underground later on. I tried to give this damaged man a chance but he could not give the sneaking and lying life up. Even years yater she still texts him and says he's her bestie. They don't want to stop.

Right after I thought we were a team. He'd side with me and help me. What's he doing instead? Flirting with bestie late at night and during work. Heaven knows what he gets up to when he's traveling. Not my concern anymore.

I want to caution you that these types of men are perfectly capable of lying about everything. They do it with ease. You cannot trust anything he says ever again no matter what you dearly wish for. Your old life is over. It will never be the same again. I am truly sorry for your great pain. If you can get any money back from what he spent on her go to it.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2534   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734622

Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 3:06 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Emptyglass, you seem to have matters in hand. How long ago did you discover?

posts: 264   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8734625

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

It has been a few months since discovery. I’m far from having things worked out. I’m just trying my hardest to get through it the best I can.

When I analyze my life over the course of his affair I see red flags now that I didn’t before. The big one being the phone secrecy… always late home from work. There were signs that I didn’t pay too much attention to because I didn’t know they were signs. I trusted him with everything and he took full advantage of that. He was also very invested at home. We were happy, didn’t fight. Had a great life together.

Every morning I wake up and it hurts like the first day I discovered.

I’m sorry pureheartkit that you experienced that. I think the reason why for me that it hurts so much is I was never treated badly. While he was with me he was my happy, loving husband. And I definitely hear your advice.

The OW was hurt and angry when on discovery he didn’t choose her. I believe she thought once that happened he would have no more excuses than to be with her.

My life has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions the last few months I’m trying to get through it. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8734672

Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 1:26 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022


I am sorry for your pain. It truly will be one of the hardest things you will go through in your life. You have been given good advice from many here. Only thing that I will add is that I will pray for you... I know this pain and I didn't know if I would survive it early on, so I relied heavily on my faith to get me through. I am not sure if you have a faith that you rely on, but when I was healing from infidelity someone said something I always remembered and I will share it... God may not restore things exactly like they were before, but He will be there. He will meet you in those desperate places where you worst fears come true, so even when you feel your dreams have been ripped to shreds, remember your story isn't over yet. There is beauty even in the midst of loss and hope even in the midst of pain. Sometimes the large life changing moments are the ones that show us we have to turn everything over to Him. Please take care of yourself during this difficult time and know that there is no need to rush to any decisions. Take a beat.. take a breath. God Bless.

posts: 158   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8734786

ShockedAndShattered ( member #79685) posted at 9:00 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I loved my life. My husband. My family. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my life. I trusted my husband with everything.
He ended the affair but only because it was discovered… I feel like I’m walking in a daze most days.. like I’m having out of body experience… not sure about anything anymore.

I can relate to that so much. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Every morning I wake up and it hurts like the first day I discovered.

I don't think that intense feeling will last forever. Of course I can only speak from my own experience. I am 8 months out from the first Dday and 1 month out since the last. I can say that I don't wake up and think about it first thing as often. It's not to say that I don't think about it during the course of my day. Of course I do. I also sometimes lay awake at night with insomnia and I can't help but think about it. But lately, I've been able to wake up with a little bit of optimism. A little it of hope. And that's something.

I hope that you find peace and I wish you all the best.

BS(me):42 WH:43
DDay 1- 9/11/21 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/21 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/21 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs TT
DDay 4- 4/11/22 Conf PA w/1 EA
DDay 5- 8/2/22 Failed Poly
DDay 6- 8/7/22 Whatever...

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021
id 8735199

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 10:27 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

You might have been so happy in your role as a wife and mom that you lost track of the person you were married to. By that I mean, you might not have noticed how distant and disconnected he might have been getting. That doesn't make anything your fault, as disconnecting from a partner is a choice that cheaters make, but it could explain why you were blindsided.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8735213

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 11:50 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Thanks everyone for feedback, good wishes and prayer. It’s very helpful to hear from others who have also experienced this….

And @ morningglory you are right. I was focused on my family and saw my life through rose coloured glasses… I didn’t see red flags until I started to analyze my life over the course of the affair. There had been a few times I thought something was off but I convinced myself I was being silly…. I think the biggest thing I lost track of was myself. I was so busy revolving my life around my family I lost sight of myself. My needs. My wants.

I think people get complacent after they have been married for years or with the same partner. They start to take their relationship and partner for granted. They get lazy in the romancing. Some might even think there are greener grasses somewhere else …. Some people fail to realize the grass is always greener where it’s watered. And in this world we live in now everything is instant gratification… a throw away society… if it’s broke you throw it out and get a new one… not try to fix what you have. too many people are shallow and are missing out on the depth that they can only get from loving someone fully and working at building a solid foundation … based on morals, love, faithfulness, integrity….

I know I’m far from the perfect spouse. But I can look myself in the mirror and know I gave my husband my whole heart …

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8735229

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:41 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

I know I’m far from the perfect spouse. But I can look myself in the mirror and know I gave my husband my whole heart …

Yes, absolutely. Again, I just want to reiterate that my comment was nothing to do about blame for the affair or the marriage getting strained before the affair. That was 100% him. I was exclusively referring to how a person can get blindsided, because they don't notice or register the change in their partner's behavior.

Blaming marriage problems for an affair is a typical cheater dodge. Often, the marriage problems were created by the cheater as he or she distanced from the marriage to make room first for the idea of an affair, and then the actual affair. The "marriage problems" line is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

"We weren't connecting." Yeah, not connecting because you regularly gave one-word answers when the BS asked you with sincere focus how your day was, or how you were feeling, because you wanted to detach from the BS as you focused on someone else.

"The spark was gone." Yeah, the spark was gone because you often withheld sex, or stopped initiating sex, or made it perfunctory, due to wanting to save your sexual energies for someone else (either IRL or in the WS's imagination).

"Our relationship was cold." Yeah, it was cold because you pulled away when the BS tried to embrace you, because you wouldn't really kiss the BS anymore, and because you stopped looking at the BS with love.

"We were having problems." Yeah, you were having problems because you already had an alternative and/or exit plan in your mind, and nourished that every time you and the BS had a run of the mill disagreement, instead of focusing on making your marriage better.

[This message edited by morningglory at 1:47 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8735245

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 4:11 AM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Morningglory- Yes 100% agreed.

Thank you

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8735270

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:25 PM on Saturday, May 14th, 2022

I don’t know how you survive your H having a 13 year affair.

My good friend was married to her high school boyfriend. Turns out he was a serial cheater. He had an affair with a co worker and had OC he was paying child support for. There was fiancée. And three other OW all at the sane time.

Divorce was the only answer. He married the young and dumb fiancée and they had a baby. Turns out he cheated on her too.

Some people are just not going to be monogamous no matter what.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:54 AM, Sunday, May 22nd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12993   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8735342

qwert ( new member #57498) posted at 6:01 AM on Saturday, May 21st, 2022

"Not sure about anything anymore." That probably described me the best at dday. We were married 26 years on dday. My world was chattered. What was true from the past? What was the future going to look like? I was a freakin mess. How do i ever trust my WW again? How do I trust myself to know I will be ok no matter what happens? I needed to deal with a ton of old trauma to get to the root of my issues. I did have a part in this relationship. I don’t know if I will ever know the whole truth of who my wife is. Recently I realized that I was afraid of being happy or content. I believe it was the fear of getting hurt again. It has been 5 years since dday. My WWs affair was only a few months as far as I know. It was one affair as far as I know. It has been over for 5 years as far as i know.

I am a lot happier today then I was a year ago, let alone 5 years ago. Therapy, books, friends, daily meditation, 12 step recovery groups, sponsors, walks, wife, journaling, and other tools helped get me to where i am today. Life is still day to day.

May we all be free from suffering.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Los Angeles
id 8736324

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 12:20 AM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Thank you for sharing. And I’m so very sorry for anyone sitting with kind of trauma… It’s a bit comforting to hear what others have experienced and their feelings because it is very foreign to me.

Many days I feel like I’m just existing… I try to distract myself. Put on a brave front… carry on like I’m supposed to… go to work. Gym. Meet friends. See family. It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that the magnitude of this hits me like a brick in the face.

Jordan Peterson speaks of ‘betrayal and trust loss’…it is so accurate… if you get a chance google him and have a listen. ‘Who were you? Cause you weren’t who I thought you were’

It’s so very confusing. To be put in this situation.. it changes you. Completely

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8736466

Beachwalker ( member #70472) posted at 12:29 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Emptyglass: I read your posts and it all sounds too familiar. My WW of 33 years had over a dozen partners and cheated for 28 years, on and off. She maintained her "main" AP from the 11th month of our marriage to the day I discovered her trying to reunite with him to get things going again just a few years ago.

Today, I understand that we need to separate because the lying, manipulation, and putting me 2nd persists. It took me a couple of years to come to that conclusion, so don't be in any hurry to get to a decision.

Healing will take time. To this day, when I see pictures of my family, my brain immediately wants to figure out whom my WW was with at that time. It's as if our marriage timeline is no longer based on events we experienced together or the calendar; rather, the "eras" are tick marked by boyfriends' names.

My apologies for "unloading" here, but I want you to understand we KNOW what you are going through, that you have a long road still to travel, and that we are here for you. The pain you are feeling and the disorientation are real. They will subside over time as your brain systematically reviews everything and reorganizes it. Do what you're doing by staying active and keeping busy. Come here to talk with us, or just to read. I found that, sometimes, I could get encouragement, good ideas, and comfort by reading what experienced members post here.

Keep us up to date!

posts: 300   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8736692

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 3:17 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Beachwalker I’m so sorry to read your story of betrayal and thank you for sharing.

I totally understand about looking at pictures and trying to figure out what that moment in time was …. Because it wasn’t what I thought it was. I do that often. It’s like I’m searching for signs I didn’t see.

You definitely are spot on about the brain trying to process your life. It’s very difficult to understand or process. I only hope with time it gets easier.

Thanks again for sharing.. it helps

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8736817

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:54 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Forgive me for being skeptical. But I highly doubt someone would keep up an affair for 13 YEARS just for a thrill. I caution you not to let down your guard just yet.

Exactly. The only thrill to be had after 13 years was the thrill of getting one over on his trusting wife. mad

I am so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine looking back on 13 years and feeling it was all a lie. My WH's PA (the one I know for sure about) lasted just under 1.5 years. I don't have any pictures of our family from that time anywhere in my home. I haven't posted anything new to SM that happened during that time, nor do I share or comment on any "memories" that happened then, because it was all a lie. Him pretending to be a good dad, and good husband. All bullshit. I can't imagine if I was made to feel that way about 13 years of my marriage.

He is a stranger. The person you love may have existed at some point, but not anymore.

And of course he wants to stay... if he leaves or you leave, he's suddenly a really bad guy. And no one sees themselves as the villain in their own stories.

Please take care of yourself. This is alllllll on him.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8736913

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 12:06 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

Trapped74 - thanks…

It is hard to manoeuvre through this at best of times.

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8736951

Lorisa ( member #60939) posted at 1:25 AM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

My situation is very similar to yours. My husband had a 13 year affair with a coworker. I also have 2 adult children.
I discovered his affair almost 5 years ago. We have been married 26 years.
It has been a very long 5 years since D-Day. We are still together but it has been a difficult road In getting here.
I wish I could give you good advice but I simply cannot. Just know you are not alone.
What I have discovered in the last 5 years is that affairs are so so common. My entire family has been affected by infidelity. So many of my friends. I just had no idea how rampant infidelity is.
It makes my stomach so sick to think about it.
I too, like you had no idea this could be my life. My husband was respected and adored by everyone! I’m very sorry for you, take care of you, this is very important right now.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 6th, 2017
id 8737118

 Emptyglass (original poster new member #80295) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

Thanks so much Lorisa for sharing. I so appreciate hearing from others that have experienced this. It takes a very strong individual to walk this road. All the best

posts: 31   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022
id 8737235

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:20 PM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

Empty Glass

I hope you are at least putting yourself first.

Not him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12993   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8737256
Topic is Sleeping.
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