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General :
I don't really know why I did it...

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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 11:59 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

My ex and I have been divorced for 2 years. After the divorce, we sold our marital home and we both moved back to our respective hometowns. My ex bought a fixer-upper and put a lot of time and money into remodeling. He lived in it for 6 months then moved back to the town where we had lived while married. This also was where the AP lived. He bought another fixer-upper and moved in the AP and her four children, all under the age of 11. BTW, there is a 41 year age difference between my ex (74) and the AP (33).

Meanwhile, I moved to Florida and bought a home in a retirement community a year ago. I had lived in Indiana my whole life and I just felt like I needed a change, a different path. It's been a year of adjustment but I've been quite pleased with my life, all things considered.

So anyway, last October I was going back to Indiana for my granddaughter's wedding. The OBS and I had been in touch during the past 2 years and I knew the address of my ex and the AP's new home. I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't know if I had the guts to do it.

I kept fantasizing about their new life together, their new home, wondering how my 74 year old ex was handling living with 4 children when he doesn't even like kids, that kinda stuff that kept going through my head. I knew I wanted to stop by for a surprise visit. I wanted to see the two of them together, which I had never seen. I wanted to see the home they had created. I wanted to talk to both of them and have them face me and look me in the eye! I just wanted to put a stop to the fantasy in my head and see the reality of it all! If I did this, I felt like I could let it go...

So, that's what I did! I told my family what I was going to do and so many of them wanted to go with me. They were worried about how I would react, which, with my past record, was a concern for all of us. You see, my first marriage ended because of my ex being "tempted by the fruit of another" also. The AP was a co-worker and I did show up at her office one day and proceeded to "beat the shit outta her". Not my proudest moment but I do now understand the "crime of passion" mentality.

"No", I said. "I need to do this by myself". I was very nervous driving to their house because I didn't know what was going to happen or what I or they were going to do. I'm not a religious person but I did finally just think "God, just show me the way".

I pulled into their driveway and both cars were there. As I got out of my car, my ex came out the back door. He looked up and saw me and showed no reaction whatsoever! We haven't seen each other in almost 2 years after being in a 21 year marriage and you would have thought I was the mailman. Typical non-emotional reaction from my ex. I'm thinkin' "well, the man's still a robot". I told him I was having lunch with friends and decided to stop by and see his new home. He was calm, cool and collected and said "sure".

When I walked in, the first thing I noticed was the bad energy. I am extremely tuned into energy and there was a lot of negative energy in that home. It was filled with all the stuff from our previous home, right down to wall hangings and knickknacks. Surprisingly, that didn't bother me because it looked so sad in that home. Ok, check! That made me feel better...

We sat and talked for about 2 hours about this and that. I told him I didn't stop by to yell or scream or make him feel bad...I just needed to see his reality. He spoke in a dead monotone the whole time, showed no emotion whatsoever, he and the house he lived in just seemed dead.

We were sitting on the front porch and suddenly he stood up and thanked me for stopping by. I asked if the AP was coming home soon. He said yes and he thought it would be awkward if I was there. No shit, Sherlock..

I asked for him to make me a priority just this one time, please. He said ok and sat back down. The little lady was walking home from her part-time job at the library and was soon on the porch with us. My ex stood up and she leaned in for a kiss...he leaned away from her in a very subtle way. Ok. check! Maybe that was showing me some respect...I dunno. That made me feel better...

They both sat down and I continued to talk to my ex about this and that...never looked in her direction. I finally said I had taken enough of their time but I just wanted to spend a few moments just looking at them together. And I wanted them to look at me. We all spent a moment doing just that. I stood up and looked at the AP and said "I want you to know that I told him I still loved him." She said, with a smirk on her face, "Of course". Now, a year ago I would have gone after her ass because of that smirk. Ahhh...but the pain has subsided and I'm older now, ya' know.

I just looked at her and said "But I want you to know that I hate your fuckin' guts!" My ex laughed, her mouth dropped open and I turned around and walked off the porch. My ex followed me to my car, I hugged him and said "I love you" and he said "I love you, too". I told him to enjoy his life and I got in my car and drove away!

Now, I know many of you may not understand why I did this and I really don't understand, either. I just thought if I could do this, if I had the courage to this....then I could handle anything that life threw at me from now on. In my mind, it was facing my worse nightmare head on in the middle of the day.

I've seen so many different reactions when I tell this story to select family and friends. But none of these people have been a victim of infidelity which is why I wanted to share it with this forum. I would like your thoughts, your reactions, your critical thinking, whatever. Even 6 months later, I'm still trying to figure out why I did what I did....

BTW, I also saw my first ex and his wife (who was the AP) at my granddaughter's wedding. I also hugged him and told him that I loved him. He said "I love you, too." Wow....it was like I can now softly close the door on all that shit from the past.

Thanks to everyone who read this long-winded story. Whew...

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733068
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:51 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Well, from where I sit, you did it for the most important reason possible. You did it for you. You confronted the two men who betrayed your trust in the worst way imaginable, and you did it with class and dignity. And you got to see the real negative vibes behind the happy Facebook posts. You could have lost your temper and called them both names. They certainly would deserve it. But it would not phase them. You demonstrated the highest priority in life: to yourself. Living with dignity and walking away on your terms. Well done.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8733095
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I mean, hey, if it gave you the peace of mind you needed, then keep your head held high.

ETA: Pardon the what-if, but would it have made a difference if there weren't any negative vibes?

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:24 AM, Monday, May 2nd]

posts: 382   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8733097
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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 4:41 AM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

No, Forks027, probably wouldn't have made a difference....just an added bonus in my mind!

[This message edited by Bingo at 4:46 AM, Monday, May 2nd]

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733104
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:43 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I often write that if it HELPS you to HEAL...as long as it is legal...DO IT grin !!! You DID IT very well!!! I hope this brings you closure...and more importantly...PEACE smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6035   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8733123
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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 3:40 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I think the most helpful part of it was replacing some bad mind movies with good ones. I now see the two of them sitting together, looking awkward and uncomfortable, and what's running through my mind is they're both two weak, pathetic human beings.

I have the image of their sad, little house with the bad energy. I have the image of my 74 year old ex trying to chase the dog that ran toward the street....priceless! He's gonna keep up with 4 young children...uh no.

I have the image of the AP in her long, Little House on the Prairie dress, and me dressed so smartly..Lol !

I have the image of the attic upstairs with four small beds shoved into it....and I return to my Florida home near the beach without a care in the world!

So many different emotions were flowing through me and there was only one minor flash of pain during the whole visit. That was definitely a wonderful feeling....that I could see their reality and be so grateful that I'm not a part of it anymore!

[This message edited by Bingo at 3:50 PM, Monday, May 2nd]

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733137
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 3:51 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

You do you. I'm glad you had the faith in yourself to do something unorthodox that helped you with your healing.

I think I could happily go the rest of my life without seeing my xWH again. Almost any of my other ex partners, no problem... but I'll never forgive my xWH and I don't need that in my life again, even briefly.

I'm happy for you though. Go and be the best version of yourself that you can be. Living well is the best revenge.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 812   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8733140
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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 6:58 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

For awhile, I was upset that I told both the buttholes that I loved them! Geez, I didn't wanna stroke their ego!

But I realized that I was just being honest and I wanted to say "I love you" one last time. The fact that they both said "I love you, too" was a surprise. They probably didn't mean it, but I did hear them say it one last time.

Just softly closing the door...

Why did I tell the AP that I hated her fuckin' guts? Because it was fun! To wipe the smirk off her face with that little tidbit was priceless... laugh

[This message edited by Bingo at 7:09 PM, Monday, May 2nd]

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733175
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Jsmart ( member #56437) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

I would bet you were running through his mind for days. As you drove off, I wonder if he turned to face the woman young enough to be his granddaughter, which he has to know, is with him strictly for room and board for her and her kids and thought, damn I F'd up. Don't be so quick to assume that "I love you too" was insincere. Seeing you again, could have brought back positive feelings. Notice, how he greeted her. That was very telling. A 74 year with such a young woman and 4 young kids that are not related to you has got to be draining.

posts: 431   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2016   ·   location: Florida
id 8733194
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:15 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I'm glad it brought you closure, but I think it also shows that they're still taking up headspace for you. To each their own, but I would have let that go and closed that door without ever coming back into contact. Wish I could do that now with the exWW, but b/c of kids I can't. I wish I didn't have to see her or the AP, but with kids its hard.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8733199
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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 1:43 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I understand where you're coming from, Halftime. And they have taken way too much headspace, that's for sure.

But, for me, being there in their reality was something I really needed for closure. All the fantasies I had in my head about their life just disappeared. Their reality, to me, sucked big time.

Of course that is just my perception but I'm gonna embrace and celebrate that perception because it's so much better than this fantasy world I had of their life.

[This message edited by Bingo at 1:46 AM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733212
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getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 1:59 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I just read what you did and thought it was amazing!!!! Had a big outloud laugh as what you said to the AP, that would have felt so good laugh You were in control of you the whole time and what dignity and integrity you demonstrated. You did this on your own terms.
I am 59 with a 19 month old grandson and I get tired running around after him lol. My brother is 66 and had met a much younger woman online many years ago and now has two sons aged 7 and 9 years who he looks after full time because he is retired. He is sooooo tired all the time but unlike me, can't give them back to younger parents lol. Your X will be constantly knackered while you live your golden years in what sounds to be a really nice place. Go you!

BS:54 (me). WS:54. together 30 yrs on DD1 March 2017.

TT /lies until DD2 July 2017OL,P, EA, Sex workers.

Dates known: 1991, 2004, 2009, 2011, 2016, 2017.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Aotearoa /NZ
id 8733215
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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Well, I'm 68 and I know my 3 year old great-granddaughter wears me out! Love her dearly but whew...

My ex is retired and, in his words, he is now her "house monkey"...poor baby, right?

Thank you for your kind words. I did feel like I was the one runnin' the show during my surprise visit. My whole world blew up because of their affair and I had no control over that. But the surprise visit, yep..I was runnin' the show!

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733221
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 12:13 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I think you did an awesome thing! You thought it over carefully and decided this was best for you, and it was!

The only concern that I have is him reaching out to you. I hope he doesn't think you opened a door.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8835   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8733259
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 Bingo (original poster member #72835) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Well, lalagirl, it was 7 months ago and I haven't heard a word from him. I did happen to mention, in a calm, quiet voice, that he had absolutely no qualities that I want or need in a man, so there's that... laugh

posts: 123   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2020   ·   location: Indiana
id 8733304
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 6:29 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Bingo, that is just…AWESOME!
You are my new hero…wear that bad ass bitch badge with pride!!!
I aspire, one day, to be where you are in life right now.

Wishing you all the best moving forward!

Me: BW 50
WH: 53, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger.
Married 32 yrs, together for 35.
3 children(1 still at home)
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 118   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8733573
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Buck ( member #72012) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

Damn Bingo!

You are a fucking badass in my book!

<Internet fist bump>

posts: 362   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2019   ·   location: Texas
id 8733697
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IceGold ( new member #79515) posted at 3:07 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

I love this and I think it’s amazing. You gave yourself the gift of truth and closure. What I wouldn’t give to have been a fly on that wall after you left!

Me= BW married 18 years
Too many DD to want to list
Two wonderful kids that deserve better

posts: 13   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Carbon Based Planet
id 8733786
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 7:01 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I did happen to mention, in a calm, quiet voice, that he had absolutely no qualities that I want or need in a man, so there's that...

Uh, yah! laugh blush laugh

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8835   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8734395
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