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Newest Member: PowerWithin

New Beginnings :
Becoming Indifferent

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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 5:18 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

I am getting used to not spending time with my STBXW after twenty years together. She moved in with her AP in January and it still stings but a little less lately. I did have trouble yesterday. I was at a beer festival with a couple who are mutual friends of my STBXW and I. It’s awkward because the girl is still close with my ex and the guy is my friend. We were having fun and actually both of them were looking at dating apps on my phone and swiping. The AP came up and at the end of the festival I was inebriated and fighting back tears. I have many friends and family who know I’m hurt. I feel bad bumming them out. I want to wake up and be indifferent about my ex. I sometimes get angry at how she betrayed me and lied and hurt me and my family. I also get very sad even after knowing of the affair and her new home for a few months. I hope I can learn to truly be indifferent and just feel nothing. It probably would be convenient for the kids if eventually we could become acquaintances. She’d like friendship but I know I don’t owe her that and don’t really want to give that now or maybe ever. It’s a strange feeling to have certain built in good feelings about someone and trying to extinguish them. I have negative feelings too but that doesn’t feel great carrying anger. How should I learn to feel nothing towards a person that made such a big impact on my life?

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 5:31 PM, Sunday, April 10th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8729017
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 5:50 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

20 years together is a long time. Having a relationship suddenly terminated is crushing to our soul. The Angry Therapist (John Kim) says when our partner abruptly ends the relationship, that is VIOLENCE! You have been traumatized, victimized, and violated to the core. Btw the angry therapist has a great book "Single on Purpose." I like the audio version of it. I highly recommend it.
It will take time to get to a point of indifference toward your STBXW. It’s even more difficult for you since she’s living with the AP
She’s moved onto a new life with someone else, while you are left to pick up the pieces.
I am working toward indifference too. I was married 25 years. My xwh left to be with the AP. He wants us to be friends. Yeah, no I don’t think so. It’s like being friends with someone robbed your house or intentionally ran over you with his car. They can’t abuse us and get our friendship in return.
It will be a long journey for the betrayed. But we will get there. It’s a roller coaster but as long as you feel "better" than you did at Dday, then you are making progress. Your emotions are not fact. They are fleeting. You are doing good. Wishing you strength and hope.

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8729021
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 6:06 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

I think it takes time. My story is LONG and we were in R for many years, then affair 2. Killed any good feeling I had built back up.

I feel pretty indifferent now. Therapy, and just every little shot to your ego will make that happen. I am using Wh now for financial purposes. I have told my therapist this and wh himself. But do i feel connected to him? Nah. Im getting to indifferent

And i don’t believe you need to be her friend. Friends of mine have morals and act a certain way. I wouldnt be friends with my scumbag WH.

posts: 3745   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8729026
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:36 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

For me, it took about 2 years after moving out.

After being together so long, it takes time. Hearing about each new thing hurt. I had to make myself NOT ask my kids for details.

There's a thread Stay NC, Post it here in the D/S forum where you can post something so you can remain NC.

I have it a little easier because my kids are adults, so I don't have to co-parent and can stay NC.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1099   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8729033
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:05 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

Worst 4 letter word in the dictionary: TIME.

When we say 2-5 years healing, what you are experiencing is part of it.

The pain and grief sometimes sneak up and catch us by surprise. But you will see that it happens less and less and that when it does get you, you recover faster.

Accept that it happens, the pain and wound are still healing. Feel the feelings, know they are temporary. Then dust off and keep moving forward. (But don’t stifle the feelings — that will backfire.).

And yes, family and friends may not always understand why you still feel so sad. I think most of us here can say we did not understand how devastating cheating is until we were in these shoes. So they don’t really get it. Honestly, most people get impatient with grief about loss through death,too, so it’s just not a good human trait. An IC can help here.

You are doing okay. You will get stronger. You will detach more (NC helps so much here).

Hang in there.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 9:58 PM, Sunday, April 10th]

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4714   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8729040
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:50 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

You will heal from this. The fact that you are going out socially is a great sign.

Your feelings and pain won’t disasters over night. I wish it did but if it did, you would be a less than compassionate and caring person.

Concentrate on you. Your happiness. Your healing. Your relationship with your kids.

Your STBXW will fade into the background. I promise it will happen.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11901   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8729052
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 5:09 AM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Thanks for the advice! I feel like my ex’s true colors really came out. Every day I miss her less. I had her on a pedestal for sure. I thought We both respected and cared for each other. It was obviously one sided. I’m getting more annoyed as the days go on. I really might talk to my son about moving to a new town. I don’t even think she will fight the idea of our son moving. Her top priority is herself more than her sons.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 4:56 AM, Wednesday, April 13th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8729324
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Confused282 ( new member #79680) posted at 6:43 PM on Tuesday, April 12th, 2022

Hi Lonely,

I’m sorry for what you are going through.

I just wanted to say moving is a great idea.

She blew up your life so it’s time to start a new one. Sitting in the rubble of the previous one will not help you heal.

She is fine with it cause she already checked out and can dip her toe in once in a while so it’s basically the cake eating we hear so much about.

Also a new place will be yours so she won’t feel like she can come by or take anything cause it’s still partly her home.

Also remember if you did not have kids you would never speak again. Ever.

Your kids are old enough now to handle their own visitation so tell her to text you what she wants and if it’s important then you can call her.

You need no contact. You will never be friends that is just reality but the quicker you start over maybe you can get to a place of indifference and just be a little annoyed when she is around.

She did not care about screwing up her life you cannot care about hers. Work with your son who will also be out of the house soon but the faster you leave your previous life and start fresh the sooner you can start to heal and feel better.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8729406
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Solarchick ( new member #80222) posted at 1:49 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Of course she wants you to be friends. That'll let her guilt off the hook. You don't have to be if you don't want to. As a matter of fact, I don't recommend that you do her any favors. Let her resolve her own consequences. That's not your job.

What she's essentially saying is, "I did one of the most horrible things a person can do to another person. I did it to YOU. It would be really helpful to me if you would just suck it up and be OK with that. M'kay?" No Lumbergh, it's NOT OK.

It's been over 17 years for me, and I'm still pissed. I doubt I'll every reach indifference. Because he broke me and I'll never trust or believe in love like I used to.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8729483
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:13 AM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Thanks Confused282 and SolarChick. It is hard that it is still partly her home and that she still stops by and takes things and to see our son. I need to get away from the memories. I agree it would help her guilt if I forgive. I’m sorry that after all these years you don’t believe in love. I hate to say it but I know I’ll have trust issues forever in relationships. I never believed after two decades I’d be discarded and without missing a beat would be replaced. It’s so weird to me. My mom told me today to forget it and people have bigger problems. The Ukraine situation and people have many health problems and stuff. I know that of course. I just thought whatever came my way I had my family to get through it. When one of the family that you trust is the source of pain it feels bad. I should just start fresh somewhere else and be thankful for what I have, not what I don’t have. Thank you for the advice.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 5:00 AM, Wednesday, April 13th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8729495
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 7:13 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

If you were indifferent this quickly, I'd wonder if you were a sociopath. Of course you aren't able to act like nothing happened and be "friends". That's insane. My first ex-husband and I are actually friends, but we have been divorced for 16 years and we didn't start being friends instead of just coparents until we had been apart for probably 4 years, and we only reached a point of it not being a little awkward after a decade. There was no cheating in that marriage. There wasn't that kind of trauma. There was no betrayal, there were no lies. And we didn't have 20 years together. So, best case scenario there. You don't have to ever be friends with your XWW.

I am indifferent towards my XWH, but I haven't seen or spoken to him in well over 2 years. That helped tremendously. I moved to another town and left the friend group that included him. I found that I had to do those things for the sake of my own mental health. Aside from keeping my same job, I started over. I would never in a million years be his friend. I prefer if I just don't encounter him again. I don't even want to know what he gets up to. You have kids together, so you'll be forced into knowing that she exists, but you don't have to be close to her. Time will help this. Getting involved with things and people who have nothing to do with her will help a lot. If you feel you need to move, go for it. Take care of you. You deserve it.

You are not being overly dramatic about this at all. It really is that hard.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4998   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8729603
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 12:25 AM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Thanks DevastatedDee. That’s interesting hearing your perspective. I appreciate it. Yes. I am pretty sure the more time that passes the less chance we will be friends. It felt insane not to see her but I’m getting used to it and if she feels this guy is better I don’t need her.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8730667
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:11 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

1. You don't owe it to your kids to try to make friends with your ex. All you have to do is have a civil relationship with her with minimal communication that is always child-focused. Your kids will grow up knowing they have divorced parents, and as long as the situation is calm, they'll be fine with it. It's very common (I'm a schoolteacher, so I work with a lot of families). It's actually better for the children's sake for you to maintain a consistent, distant yet civil interaction with their mother, than for you to have an on-again off-again attempted friendship that keeps getting impacted by your emotional reactions to her behavior.

2. Drop the mutual friends. I know you don't want to, but they're holding back your progress, because they keep you in situations where you're in contact with your ex (no or bare minimal contact is the great healer), and they put subtle pressure on you to reconcile (on a friendship level) with your ex, when that isn't the way you're going to heal.

[This message edited by morningglory at 1:14 PM, Sunday, April 24th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731587
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

I have found I no longer want to be around my mutual friends with WH. We had the same situation- the husbands are WH friend, their wives were my good friends... and it just bums me out. Being with them reminds me of the good times with WH and it makes me sad. I dont want to know ANYTHING about WH and I don't want him to know anything about me. We share young children, and coordinating that is as much contact as I can handle.

I have other friends that are just mine that I am becoming much closer to, and this is good for my soul. I'm okay with letting him "have" our old mutual friends. A fresh start is more important to me. Reducing pain is more important to me.

[This message edited by robinbird12 at 4:26 PM, Tuesday, April 26th]

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8732067
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

Thanks Robinbird12. I think that would help me. I live in the house with reminders of us and see her friends at places we went together constantly. I’m in a somewhat small town and probably should actually move from the town and start completely fresh. The thing keeping me here is my sixteen year old. He doesn’t love it where we live but after living here almost five years he has a group of friends he probably would miss. I don’t want to push him to decide between parents. It should be up to him. He’s frustrated with my ex and I don’t think he’d want to. I hate the idea of my son living with the loser AP.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8732098
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 9:50 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Still living in the marital home is so hard. I am on the same situation, but my kids are young enough we can move. I want to move back to my home country (USA) and family. I only stayed here because of WH and frankly he was a pretty bad husband and I really regretted it.

How many years of school does your son have left? Divorce takes ages anyway, probably he’ll be almost graduated by the time you could move.

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8733002
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 10:18 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Thank you Robinbird12. My son has two years of high school left.I am still deciding my next move. It will be hard staying here for two years until he graduates. I want him to be happy. I just hope I won’t be miserable for too long.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8733003
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 12:57 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Time. And a lot of work on yourself.

You will get there. I'm not totally there 4.5 years post Dday#2, but I'm in a better place. My STBXWW just contacted me to let me know due contracted Covid and is in a bad way. Nope,didn't give two shits. I asked about my daughter, but never asked if my STBXWW was okay. Not because I'm being an asshole. I just don't care one way or the other. Sad ace to be after 27 years of M.

Maybe that's what indifference looks like...

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1248   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8733206
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Thanks Justsomeguy. Sorry to hear after 27 years that happened but I’m glad to hear you are in a good place. So these feelings stay with you for a few years? I assumed so. You sound strong with your attitude. I admire that and want to develop it myself.

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 4:36 AM, Tuesday, May 17th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8733314
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