What consequences am I expected to levy on her? I made my list of "demands" at the start and she’s followed them.
The only legal consequences that can be levied is to D. When I had to make the choice, I though D would punish me as well as my W, and I didn't want to add to my own hurt unless I had to. R has worked out ...um... in part because my W has met my requirements for R, which consisted of observable behavior that shows she changed from cheater to good partner. Which Drs is also doing, from what he has posted.
That doesn't mean R will work for Drs and MrsDrs. It does mean he's taking at least some of the right steps.
Besides, consequences - by which people apparently mean 'punishment' - do not have a great record of success. In infidelity, it's more like hoping '2 wrongs make a right'.
How about you drill down into just this ONE thing, your sense that she's bending (uh, that means lying) words to get around (uh, that means lying) the devastating truth.
The problem is that WSes lie to themselves before they lie to their BSes. The question is whether MrsDrs sees the truth before Drs loses patience.
Well, having her take a poly would be one example, a small one, of a consequence of her choices and actions. She won't want to.
I'm not a fan of polys, but I do see them as useful when there's a question of whether the subject is or is not telling the truth - a yes/no question. It can also be useful if a recipient of an answer believes an obvious lie - if the question requires a yes/no answer. If there are nuances, polys are useless.
But why in heavens name would one suggest a poly when the listener already knows the potential subject is lying? Suggesting a poly under those conditions says to me that the proponent of the poly is listening to something in their own head, not to the OP.
BTW, Drs, My W told me she never intended to leave, and I have no doubt she was telling the truth - except that she did leave, every time she thought about, talked with, or was in the presence of ow and when she was too tired to go out with me because of her A. I'm not sure intentions matter at all.
I assume like everyone else, you both took vows to Love, Honor, protect, cherish … foresaking all others. She pretty much broke each and every one of those vows. So is she still married to you after her cheating?
I think severability plays a part here. Some of us think violation of one vow doesn't negate the others; others think it does.
She should be the one driving her actions to atone for what she did to you and her family. Not following a script that you lay out.
Yes and no.
It's not sufficient for R if one partner is following a script blindly with the goal of R.
OTOH, IMO, the BS and WS need to agree on what behavior will further R and what will be an obstacle, and the partners need to meet those requirements for R and the M to continue. Not meeting requirements is a good reason to modify behavior, modify the requirements, of D.
You need to be doing what you need to do to heal yourself. Not the marriage or relationship. Let go of that outcome and do what needs to be done to fix you. She should be the one driving her actions to atone for what she did to you and her family. Not following a script that you lay out. You both need to concentrate on your own healing and becoming better people.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Right fucking on.
I think Drs is on track to recover (which is different from R) only if he's taking care of his thoughts, feelings, and health.
Drs, You need to process your grief, anger, fear, and shame out of your body. If you let your proclivity for analysis keep you from that task, you're doing yourself a great disservice.
Meeting your requirements is a way to prevent adding to your already immense pain. It in no way helps with the pain of the infidelity itself. I hope you realize that and are taking action to heal.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:05 PM, Wednesday, May 4th]