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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Do you think my marriage is worth saving?

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 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 3:37 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Here are the "facts" I have come up with.

- He doesn't love me since he had cheated on me both emotionally and physically for 1.5 years.

- He/We want to try to work things out only because we have two young children together. If no children, we wouldn't talk to each other. He would have left long time ago as he said. But now he is willing to compromise and reconcile because he wants to have the kids with me. It's a package deal to him. It's not me that he wants, but the kids.

- He cheated emotionally initially. I forgave him since it was only emotional to me back then. But then it went to physical. He had been lying to me for 1.5 years because he said he hadn't talked to her every time I asked about it. Now he had been forced to come clean and he apologized and seemed remorseful. But he didn't do any within 1.5 years. Should I give him another chance? Does he deserve a "third" chance?

- He didn't treat me well in the past during our 10 years relationship. So he didn't care me much even before he started cheating. Now he realized he has been an asshole to me the whole time and never gave me a fair chance. He promised he is fully committed to change, to work on himself. He will never cheat in this life time anymore. But he did tell me back then if he ever slept with that woman, he wouldn't dare to come home. He did come home every night even after the deed. Should I believe him this time?

- This third party or the other woman that he had the affair with is an ex-girlfriend from 20 years ago. They never had the closure although he left her after a year of dating at that time. They never had sex back then since she was a Christian. He got married with someone else and divorced a few years later. Then we met and we got married (with different (wrong?) reasons: I wanted to start a family since I was in my mid-30's and he unwillingly did it because I took good care of him but he didn't really love me that much when we got married. We kind of both knew we were not compatible the whole time. We had kids a few years later after 8 cycles of IVFs because of his genetic problem). This other woman (also married and miserable in her own marriage) and he re-connected 1.5 years ago when our second child was born. He "came clean" after he was gone to see her for 6 hours three weeks after our second child was born. I told him to stop talking to her. He said he stopped but in fact just kept lying each time. Starting in last July, he went back to work in office so they started seeing each other. According to him, they met 5 times and he slept with her (they did it in her car each time) for at least 4 times. Things should be easier to fix if he really stopped back then and tried to focus on us but he didn't. I suggested couple therapy back then but he didn't bother to do anything. I regret so much everyday that I didn't check his phone the last entire year..I should also have kicked him when it was just emotional but I just gave birth at that time so I needed all the help.

- I know this husband of mine that if he is fully committed, he would get the job done nicely. He said he is fully committed to this relationship and will try to be a good husband and father this time. I feel bad for myself if he really could change and I just give away the good version of this man that I re-shaped to another woman. Should I consider to take him back and hope for the best? Maybe he really will change this time? But he is 45 already with one failed marriage before me. He didn't cheat in that marriage. Accordingly to him, he never cheated before. But even fully committed is probably not enough for me anymore. I need someone who truly loves and values me which he never did in the past. I was never a wife he expected although he said I had many good wife materials. But we were not compatible and didn't know how to compromise.

- He said he cheated because he felt miserable with me especially my parents moved in to help us with the kids since our first child was born 4 years ago. He felt he was left alone in an island because the three of us (me and my parents) had many different opinions and views from him about many things while living together. I understand the part that he said he didn't get what he wanted such as support and empathy from me especially after my parents moved in. I got that he didn't get it from me so he ended up getting that from someone else. But in fact, we all had sucked up each other the past few years including my parents. We were all miserable. Now he got kicked out after I discovered the cheating. He said he finally realized that he shouldn't have treated my parents like that in the past. He took them and also me for granted. My parents have been trying their best to help out as much as they could. They are in their 70's already. Other parents would have left if they were treated that bad. They only stayed because of their grandkids. They never got paid and do much longer hours than nannies.

- I had felt miserable since he told me he fell in love with the other woman 1.5 years ago. I thought he did stop but just didn't care about me the whole time. I told him to move out several times last year because I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore even before the discovery. I told him that my 2022 couldn't be again like last year before. But in my heart, I still wanted it to work. I even booked our first couple therapy session a week before I found out the discovery, hoping that was my last resort.

- I'm very old fashioned so sexual/physical cheating has always been a deal breaker to me. If he didn't sleep with her, I would have taken him back as the first time. I could probably accept it if it was a fling or one night stand or he physical abused me. He clearly knew this part of me since I told him that before. I still don't know how to get over it. I don't know if I ever will. I have been seeing therapist on my own besides our couple therapist once a week. I hope I could get over it and forgive him. I know if I can't, then I won't be happy in my future relationships whether with him or someone else.

- As both my own therapist and our couple therapist pointed out that I still love this man. If not, I wouldn't feel that angry when I talked about it/him. I understand it's a conflicting feeling that I also hate him for hurting me so bad. He ruined our marriage and damaged my life. My life was simple before. He made me a worse person over the past 10 years. But I also don't want our kids to grow up in a broken family. If he could really change, he could be a good husband and a good father. But can I trust him that he could finally leave his mistress behind this time? He said he didn't think about her until he started to feel miserable and she reached out to him a few years ago. He said he had always pushed her away when things were ok between me and him back then. They just kept in touch by saying hello with each other every once a while. I really don't know if she was the cause of our toxic marriage. He said it was our bad communication. During our marriage, he rarely opened up his feelings to me since he didn't know how because he felt I was very difficult to talk to. I tried to talk to him but he always pushed me away.

- It has been almost six weeks since the discovery day. He hasn't done much to me the entire time except booking appointments for our couple therapy sessions. He said during our last session with the therapist that I don't seem to have desire to work with him. On the other hand, he has been spending a lot more times with the kids since he only gets to see them on weekends now. He even read many books to our 4-yo the first weekend he came back to visit. He didn't read these many books with her all these years. In the past, he always just hid in our room and played with his phone. We felt like we gave him too much me-time back then. So now he is a changed man? I honestly haven't done much with him these days either since I'm still not sure if I should invest more time or energy with him. I don't want to get hurt again. I do want to participate our family events which normally I plan since he is a homebody. I did give in a lot more than him in this relationship. I took care of him (maybe not fully emotionally). I did love this man with all my heart before even he didn't treat me well in the past. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. How could I ever trust him again? He is going to leave his brother's place where he has been staying. So he will have his own place next to our building as he even planned to move out before the discovery. I don't know if he will keep in touch with the other woman. But he said he already removed all his social media accounts including Facebook, Instagram and What's App where they usually connected to each other before. He even allowed me to check his phone and installed tracking app too. But do I want to depend my trust based on a device or an app? I don't want a life like that either.

I know the decision is mine in the end. But I would like to see if you guys could give me a bigger picture or something I can't see at the moment on my own. What would you do in my case? Especially those who had been in the same boat before.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8724422
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susie ( member #6682) posted at 4:02 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Your story is a lot to unpack. The most prominent thing I noticed was how often you allow your WH to put the blame on you. Until you can believe that it wasn't your fault I can't see a healthy foundation for a meaningful reconciliation.

It was not your fault. None of it was your fault. I know as a betrayed spouse I wanted to be at fault because if it was a "me" problem then I felt in control and safer.

Abrams's Advice: When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.

posts: 1257   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2005   ·   location: MI
id 8724428
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 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 4:21 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I actually had been venting to him but he said we should move forward instead of keep blaming him. He said he knew he was wrong and had apologized many many times. But I told him that I just wanted to vent sometimes. He said I had been repeating the same thing over and over and stuck. I know that but I don't know how to get unstuck. I have been talking to my therapist but it probably will take a while to heal and get over it. I really don't know what else to do except to try to focus myself on other things. It's just hard to focus anything these days.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8724431
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:26 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Kids are a good reason to attempt reconciliation.

But, they alone are not enough.

That your husband is "willing to compromise" isn't enough. He should be willing to crawl across broken glass for you.

The question really shouldn't be "can I save my marriage?"

It's do I want to build a new loving relationship that meets my actual needs and wants with the man that hurt me? It's a slightly different framing.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8724433
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 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 4:46 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I honestly just want to raise the kids on my own so this man can just leave us alone. I know it's almost impossible since he is the dad. So he has the right to do his fatherly job. It's hard to see him coming to visit them on weekends. I don't feel comfortable to be around him.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8724434
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:27 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I honestly just want to raise the kids on my own so this man can just leave us alone.


As both my own therapist and our couple therapist pointed out that I still love this man.

It's normal to go back and forth for months after d-day.

What do you love about him? Why stay if he makes you a worse person than you'd ne without him?

My reco is to figure out what your ideal M would look like and how you would know if you had your ideal M. Lay out what you want in/from your M. Ask your H to sign on.

If he agrees, great - you can start R. Monitor his behavior. If he delivers what he promises, great - keep going. If he doesn't, great - it's time to D.

If he doesn't agree or specify something else that looks good to you, great - you know D is the better choice.

I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry you've had such a bad 10 years. Know that you can heal and have a good life, whether you R or D.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27082   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8724439
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 5:56 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

But I told him that I just wanted to vent sometimes. He said I had been repeating the same thing over and over and stuck. I know that but I don't know how to get unstuck.

^^^It takes years to get beyond infidelity, not weeks or months. It's a marathon, not a sprint. I am 16 years out and I vented and vented and vented and cried and yelled whenever I needed to...my WH listened.

Your husband doesn't get it. You don't just get over infidelity. You need to express your feelings. If he is not willing to listen and understand the damage he has done, then he is not a candidate for R right now.

His words are meaningless, his actions will speak volumes.

How can you be absolutely certain he isn't still in contact with this other woman? Is she still married? Does she live in close proximity to you? Has your husband been completely transparent giving you access to his phone, emails, social media, etc. Accountability for his whereabouts? Keep in mind many cheaters purchase a burner phone.

Gently, you do not need couples therapy. He needs individual therapy. He has every excuse in the world why he cheated, there's never any justification to cheat. He owns his own actions, please don't every accept ANY of the blame.

Please focus on what you need for your future whether it's with him or without him.

BTW, the past two years have been miserable for all of us due to Covid. He cheated during a time where he could have brought a virus home that could have harmed your entire family, especially your elderly parents. mad

You don't have to make any decisions now, give yourself a few months and watch his actions CLOSELY, then decide if his betrayal is a dealbreaker.

[This message edited by annb at 9:19 PM, Sunday, March 20th]

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8724445
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:42 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I’m sorry for you. Here is what stands out to me.

Your H didn’t treat you very nicely for the 10 years prior to the marriage.

He’s not been an actively engaged father.

He spent hours in his room disengaged from you & kids.

He blames you for the affair and takes no responsibility.

Not good signs of a happy & healthy environment for you or your kids.

Can he change? Yes if he COMMITS to changing. Time will tell and only you can decide if he’s doing everything you need to make your marriage and family a warm living environment for you & kids.

However since you’ve been unhappy for many long years, I suggest you put yourself first. You work with a counselor to heal. You need to be present for your kids. You need to be the best parent you can.

Can your kids be happy in a home w/ only one parent? Yes. In some cases it might be a better option. You can choose to co parent with your H and have a very amicable relationship.

Please don’t use the excuse that you stay together for the kids. You will not be able to sustain that long term. And the kids will feel it eventually.

Get an exit plan together as well. Finances and asset division. Parenting plan. Alimony and child support you are entitled to. Money in your own name. Support team around you (parents, family, friends, minister of priest (ifyou are religious). Counselor etc.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:42 PM, Sunday, March 20th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8724450
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:16 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

But now he is willing to compromise and reconcile because he wants to have the kids with me. It's a package deal to him. It's not me that he wants, but the kids.


That's not enough. When we agree to take our cheater back, we're forgoing another path, and down that path is peace and opportunity. If he doesn't have real love for you, you're shorting yourself. You're denying yourself the chance to move on and maybe one day meet someone else. Or maybe enjoy your life without having to share the remote control or care that he doesn't like brussels sprouts. If it's an accurate assessment that this guy doesn't love you, he's not offering you enough to put up with him every day. Your kids will be happier in a less stressful environment where they feel safe and loved, and if that means seeing Dad on weekends or whatever at his place, it's just the price of a peaceful, safe, haven at home.

I actually had been venting to him but he said we should move forward instead of keep blaming him. He said he knew he was wrong and had apologized many many times. But I told him that I just wanted to vent sometimes. He said I had been repeating the same thing over and over and stuck. I know that but I don't know how to get unstuck.

This is NORMAL. And if your WH had done anything in the way of studying, he would know that. It's a brain thing. Your reality has been upended and you've been traumatized in the process. Part of dealing with trauma is putting the story back together. Our brains are kind of like organic computers. We've encountered all this corrupt data having to do with our WS. We thought we knew them and it turned out we didn't. So, now there's all this new data to be verified, and re-verified, and re-verified, etc. until we feel like we really do have the story. If you read The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, you'll find out that the amygdala of the brain are only very loosely connected with the prefrontal cortex. What that means is that we can't talk our way out of trauma. It has to be processed, and part of that process is repeating the STORY until we're sure it's right.

Anyway, it's up to you if you want to wait and see what happens, whether your WS is capable of change or not. But honestly, having been in R for the past seven years, there's no way I would have agreed to it unless I felt like the love was there.


((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8724471
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 8:19 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I think you may have answered your own question

That it’s what YOU think, rather than me or anyone else.

Everyone has different views about the myriad emotions and decisions and perspectives we all have after infidelity. Even the "status" of the M will have different views. Personally, I think a M is killed the moment the WS chooses to cheat. The whole damn house is burned, and the question is whether both parties are committed to healing, to change, and to trying to build something NEW from the ashes. Others may see it different. What’s important is how you see it.

I also believe "love" doesn’t have much to do with the calculation of whether to commit to R (or not), in that there are folks on this earth whom I “love" but are also not healthy for me or with whom a healthy relationship isn’t possible. Folks I can love, but only with some pretty strict boundaries.

If you haven’t already, I would highly recommend reading Linda MacDonald’s "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I’d call it a basic roadmap of what to watch for in a WS… the ACTIONS that need to happen to rebuild trust and become WORTHY of the GIFT of R. Right now, it doesn’t sound much like your WS is working much on that front- but that’s only based on what you’ve written.

I also highly recommend the helping couples heal podcast. Tho the hosts come from backgrounds in SA (sex addiction), and use that language, I think the vast majority of their insight and suggestions apply to any A / WS. Their interview with Stan Tatkin is one of my favorites. Tatkin basically says Ms in which the BS creates and holds firm boundaries tend to fare better. Which means focusing on you, having a realistic exit plan in place (even if you hope to R), and being willing to lose the M if your WS cannot or will not put in the tough work to rebuild trust and become a safe(r) partner.

Cheating is NOT about the M. It’s not about the BS or anything they did or did not do. It’s about the WS choosing to cheat instead of the thousands of other choices they could have made instead (usually starting with COMMUNICATING with their BS). IOW, none of HIS choices to lie and to cheat and to live a secret sexual life and to throw HIS integrity down the toilet are your fault.

I don’t know if your M is worth saving… I do know that healing is always worthwhile, whether one is a BS or a WS.

Godspeed

[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:20 PM, Sunday, March 20th]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3789   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8724472
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:47 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Hi2super,

YOU have convinced me, in your own words, that your marriage is insufferable.

He/We want to try to work things out only because we have two young children together. If no children, we wouldn't talk to each other. He would have left long time ago as he said. But now he is willing to compromise and reconcile because he wants to have the kids with me. It's a package deal to him. It's not me that he wants, but the kids.

That ^^is never a good reason to "reconcile" or continue on with a dysfunctional marriage.

A dysfunctional toxic marriage is the worst environment to raise a child and sets a very poor example for your kids of what a healthful and loving marriage should look like, can warp their perception of marriage, love, communication, affection, etc.

If not for your own sake, you should at least for your children sake, seek genuine reconciliation or get a divorce.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:53 PM, Sunday, March 20th]

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8724479
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 9:45 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I actually had been venting to him but he said we should move forward instead of keep blaming him. He said he knew he was wrong and had apologized many many times. But I told him that I just wanted to vent sometimes. He said I had been repeating the same thing over and over and stuck. I know that but I don't know how to get unstuck.

He's not sorry that he cheated. He's sorry that he got caught. This is the difference between regret and remorse. If he were truly remorseful he would understand that he needs to put his words into action and start showing you that he can be a safe and loving partner. Telling you that you are stuck and you need to get unstuck is telling you that it's your problem and you just need to get over it. He's not motivated to do anything about what is wrong with him. He just wants you to get over it and move on. He wants things to go back to the way they were with no change from him and no consequences.

You don't need couples therapy because you're not a couple at this point. He needs IC to figure out what is wrong with him that he thinks it's okay to cheat on someone that he swore fidelity to. This is a classic example of why MC is not advisable until both partners have some IC. He thinks the purpose of MC is to help him negotiate the minimum consequences for his actions. He wants you to "work with him" like your boundaries should be negotiable.

To me, the answer is in your post. You mentioned that he didn't love you very much when you married and he doesn't love you now. Then there's no reason to stay married. You deserve a loving partner. Your children deserve to be part of a loving home, not one racked with bitterness and resentment that two people who don't love one another are staying together for "the good of the children."

Wishing you the best.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 9:46 PM, Sunday, March 20th]

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 378   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8724490
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 10:30 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

Some facts worth pondering over:

1. He didn’t love you or treat you well throughout the entirety of your relationship. He had no regard or respect for you. What will make him all of sudden love you when he says he’s in love with the other woman? The bond he has with her is going to be difficult to break. What has he shown so far to prove his completely done with her? Are you ok being in a marriage where your husband does not love you or treat you well? How does this look to the kids?
2. He says he wouldn’t stay with you if it weren’t for the kids. Which means are not important to him. He’s staying for the kids, not you. What are you then? And he wasn’t an attentive father- what will make him become a good father all of sudden?
3. This is his second marriage-but you don’t really know why his first marriage ended
4. You say you are not compatible - in what ways? How will this affect your marriage with the baggage from the affair?
5. He says he cheated because he was miserable - what will happen in the future when things don’t go well?
6. He hasn’t done much to repair or help you heal since DDay

It’s normal to feel hopeful that our WS will and can change. It is normal to hope that our marriages can be better and stronger after the affair- because we know what we did wrong, we know we didn’t communicate, didn’t have enough sex, list goes on.

I was in your exact shoes after my xWH’s first EA many years ago. He never really loved me or respected me. He did nothing to help me heal. He lied in MC. He was resentful of me because I ruined his fun. When i read my journal from those days, i see a young woman who loves her husband. She is hopeful for a solid marriage where her husband changes and loves her. She’s positive her husband is a good man and will change because he learned his lesson. But that never came to be. He cheated again and discarded me and left. I am learning now that he is a "narcissist".

Best of luck to you as you navigate this difficult and painful journey. Trust your instincts.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8724499
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:36 PM on Sunday, March 20th, 2022

I am going to be blunt. If you have a good job keep it. If you don’t get one. Or get 2 or 3. Start putting money in an account for you only. When you have a little saved up invest it. Now I sound cruel but I do this because I have seen it many times. When the children are older he will leave. That is his modus operandi. He leaves women who love him. You are number 3. There was number 1 circling, probably longer than you know. He gives his word. Looked how well that has worked with all three of you.

He lies easily. His behavior for 10 years has been cruel. Why do you think he will change? So far he shows no sign of a man who feels genuine remorse. You are getting on his nerves bringing it all up.

Take care of you and your children. I think you can safely assume that he is going to continue to lie. He is so good at it.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8724501
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 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 3:06 AM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

I'm not sure why I'm not able to reply each post here...but thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I have been taking notes here so I will bring up some to my next MC meeting.

- "How can you be absolutely certain he isn't still in contact with this other woman? Is she still married? Does she live in close proximity to you? Has your husband been completely transparent giving you access to his phone, emails, social media, etc. Accountability for his whereabouts? Keep in mind many cheaters purchase a burner phone."
* I don't think he is still in touch with that woman. I know he deleted all his social media accounts although he did reactivate his FB account last week to look for a place to rent. We even set up a new phone line so he will use that line and cancel the old one soon. He also allowed to install a GPS app on his phone so I can keep track. But I cancelled it since I don't want a life like that. He actually never changed his passcode on his phone. That's how I found out the cheating. I should have checked a lot more often back then. Maybe I could have stopped the physical part at least. I should have kicked him out too when it was just EA. I regretted so much everyday.

- "Right now, it doesn’t sound much like your WS is working much on that front"
* It's true that I don't see what exactly he has been doing to improve the relationship except he would ask me how I'm doing when we see each other since he rarely said those or cared to say those in the past. He is definitely more willing to help out around the house for the kids and my parents. But anything else toward me, not much. It's just not enough. The MC suggested during our recent/3rd session that we should have date nights. I told her bluntly that we are forced to work this out because of the kids. We are "forced" to date even he definitely has no feeling for me or he wouldn't have cheated with the same ex-gf for 1.5 years. It's just unnatural to date.

- "Are you ok being in a marriage where your husband does not love you or treat you well?"
* I'm definitely not ok with that. I have told him more than once that I won't let him come back here until there is love between us. I won't settle for less this time.

- "This is his second marriage-but you don’t really know why his first marriage ended".
* He said the first wife was bipoloar and probably is one according to his sis-in-law since we talked about it before. But I don't think he treated her well. He said that relationship was a rebound since they met right after he just dumped thhis ex-gf/mistress at that time.

- "You say you are not compatible - in what ways? How will this affect your marriage with the baggage from the affair?"
( We just have many different values about many things. We are both stubborn. We definitely didn't know how to compromise. According to him, I am very difficult to talk, hold grudges and don't easily forgive. Now he is giving me more to hold grudges for. That's why I don't know how I will ever be able to get over the infidelity.

- "He says he cheated because he was miserable - what will happen in the future when things don’t go well?"
* I asked him that question too. He said he would honestly tell me his feelings when he feels miserable or not content. But can I really trust him that he will really tell me his feelings honestly? He was never a good communicator when it comes to feelings. He likes to talk to his female friends back then. I asked him why. He said they seemed to be more patient and show empathy than other male friends and even me.

- "He hasn’t done much to repair or help you heal since DDay".
* Not really much. I just feel that he either isn't fully committed as he said or he isn't sure what to do. My husband said it takes two to tango (I used to say that to him). He complained that I don't seem to have any desire to work with him. But what am I supposed to do after you hurt me so bad? I was the one who used to plan to do everything in the past - birthdays, anniversaries, and even family events. Do I really still have to do all the legworks like everything is back to normal?

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8724563
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:30 AM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

My husband said it takes two to tango (I used to say that to him). He complained that I don't seem to have any desire to work with him. But what am I supposed to do after you hurt me so bad? I was the one who used to plan to do everything in the past - birthdays, anniversaries, and even family events. Do I really still have to do all the legworks like everything is back to normal?


You know, you don't owe this guy anything. It didn't take two to ruin your marriage. It just took him cheating. So, it's not a marriage problem. It's a cheater problem. If he isn't willing to do the lion's share and he isn't willing to remediate his lousy character, than he's not sorry. Why should you "work with him" when he's not even sorry for what he's done?

People who are deeply remorseful SHOW IT. My fWH moved mountains, almost literally because when I wanted to leave the area where the cheating occurred, he got a new job, got our house ready for sale moved that mountain of stuff to a new state, and then he worked that new job and that new environment. And during that time, I wanted for nothing. He took me on extravagant vacations, bought me anything I even looked at including a brand new car, and basically treated me like a girlfriend he badly wanted to impress. A really remorseful WS is upset with himself. He looks into the mirror and he doesn't like what he sees. And it stays that way for quite awhile, until they feel like they've fixed what went wrong and redeemed themselves. My point is that if your WH is not working his ass off to get you back, and I mean YOU, not just his family dynamic, he's unlikely to be worthy of any more of your time.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8724571
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Mandy7 ( member #42645) posted at 1:16 PM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

Hi I’ve just read your message, goodness you’ve been through so much with him already. I did notice how caring and selfless you are and have forgiven so much already. I’ve been reconciling for 7 years and even though it’s going well with 100% commitment from both of us, I have irreparable damage in my heart and it has literally changed me as a person. I live my life paranoid, checking everything and constantly thinking did I do the right thing. If I look back to the point I was at where you are now I think after my experience I’d choose to separate. All those years ago I felt a certain ease once I’d made the decision to give up, my emotional turmoil disappeared and I felt at peace. I only took him back as he hit rock bottom and became suicidal that’s when I knew if ever he was going to take our relationship seriously that was it.

I personally think you’ve lost all trust in him, all respect for him and yourself and you’re only considering reconciliation for the sake of the kids and because of your values you feel obliged to make it work. You don’t!!! Remember who you were before you met him, remember the fun, carefree, kind girl who loved and laughed in life. How far away is that girl you were now? It’s so sad to realise how much we give of ourselves to these unappreciative men and put ourselves last. You can survive and absolutely thrive without that ball and chain around your neck. You can go on to new things, build yourself back up and be happy you’re not obliged to put up with his previous and present shit anymore.

You can arrange child visitation outside your home in future keep your home only positive for yourself erase all negativity, you’ll be so much happier. I know it’s a scary thought but in the long run your kids will thrive seeing mummy happy and healthy instead of paranoid, angry and sad all the time. Reconciliation is extremely hard I tried many times before this current one and it takes a lot out of you personally. As they say "there’s plenty more fish in the sea" and a wonderful new partner could be waiting for you in your future.

Whatever you decide put you first!!! Virtual hugs xx

Me: 45Him: 45 SLA-porn addict, prostitutes, live cam, ONS, multiple A's, anonymous hookups.... Too much to list!Married 20 years together 27 not one month in the entire relationship has he been faithful!Kids 14 & 18DD 1 02/14/14 th

posts: 53   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Newcastle UK
id 8724600
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:32 PM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

I believe you will come to an answer based on HIS behavior and commitment to the marriage.

No one knows if he has the ability to change. Only his actions will be a true indicator of what he will or won’t do.

And BTW your MC suggesting you date now? Hmmmm…..that doesn’t sound like good advice. Would your MC "date" someone who has all this negativity towards him/her?

I think there needs to be some serious work on your H’s part, including honesty and truth given to you. And not continuing the excuses about "why" he cheated.

Just my observation.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8724601
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 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 2:33 PM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

I agree that he definitely needs to do his work to get me back. He did claim he became suicidal in the beginning that he just wanted to jump on the train track because of the mess he created. Of course he didn't do it.

I am going to see another MC/IC for myself this week. I will see what this one will advice. But the suggestion that our current MC (date nights) is just something that maybe other type of couples should try if there is no cheating involved or at least they still both love each other. It's not my case. He obviously doesn't love me at the moment, I don't know how long it will take. It just seems a lot easier for me to invest my time and energy somewhere else which is what I'm planning to do - to focus on my kids and career such a better job at least. I may still love him a bit but like many of you pointed out, I don't trust him so I don't know if I will. But I know I won't stay with someone that I can't trust. Trust will take a lot time to rebuild. It will take a lot of time for us to get back if I decide to get back.

At this point, I just want to be happy...maybe find some voluteer work to do so I will probably feel a little happier at tne end of the day. I don't want to my happiness to depend on marriage/relationship. I hope I can find my own happiness somewhere else.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8724607
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:42 PM on Monday, March 21st, 2022

I don't want to my happiness to depend on marriage/relationship. I hope I can find my own happiness


Best idea you’ve had. If you focus in YOU first you will start to make some decisions based on where you are - not where you were.

Example. If you decide the marriage is too unstable and he really doesn’t love you, then a healed you and emotionally stronger you might make a very different decision than someone who is still fragile and emotionally distraught.

Also I think you are in marriage counseling a bit too early. The MC is trying to heal a broken marriage by having broken people try fix the problem.

Your H is broken. Until he has fixed or addressed certain issues, I don’t think he’s in a position to have any real positive impact on your marriage long term.

Also unfortunately you cannot make someone love you. They either do or don’t. No one can wave a wand and just have it magically happen. I say this b/c if he’s treated you poorly for so many years then you may not have had the benefit of his true love for an extended period.

And it’s not something he can talk himself into. He either loves you or he doesn’t.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8724662
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