Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Do you think my marriage is worth saving?

default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 12:51 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Yes, I need to take good care of myself and my kids and my parents.

We just finished the MC session. I can't believe he still thinks that I should work on my part to make the relationship work. I told him clearly that I need to know how to trust him before this. How can I be in a relationship with someone that I don't even trust? He is not helping me heal. He doesn't seem to know what to do. I don't know what he should do either. But I told him it should be from his heart, like a girlfriend he is trying to go after. I just don't feel it. He even said I didn't engage with him when he came here to visit the kids on weekend. I did reply every time he asked me a question. I have done a lot better than what he used to do to me in the past. I was the one making small talks. I don't understand what exactly he wanted me to do at the point. Like he pointed, I didn't know how to communicate with him in the past since things I said to him were offensive. So he just turned off his emotions completely so he wouldn't feel hurt. I think that's probably what I'm doing to him now...since he has hurt me so bad, I have been turning off my feelings and emotions too. I wasn't aware of that before.

The MC asked me if I regretted that I married to him. I said yes. I told her that my life should be different if it wasn't him. At least my kids would be older since he had no intention to get married. So I just waited and waited till I was 36 - 4 years after we met. I told her that I put in 80% of the work in this relationship and he only did that 20% and even those 20%, I had to ask him to do. He didn't do that until I asked.

He also brought up the other incident we had a few days ago. I simply sent some old pictures from a few years when our first born turned one since my phone has the nostalgic feature about old photos about same time last year. So I shared the pictures with him and my parents. Then he sent an emoji with a crying face. I replied "We were not enough for you". He got so offended by that. He said he just stopped talking me ever since that sentence because I was insensitive and keeps punishing him to make him feel sorry. I asked both of them (MC and WH) that I couldn't even say what I felt then. Then the MC said that the husband was remorseful here so there was no point to say that. She is also my WH's IC so I'm not sure if that's why she said that. But I was like "am I supposed to keep quiet and keep everything to myself then"? What he did reminds me what happened in the past. He just kept quiet and didn't say much about why he wasn't happy. All I knew was that he wasn't happy but I didn't know he was so obsessed about what I said and felt so offended by it. We even fought on Zoom in front of the MC today. It all just reminded me what happened in the past...we still don't know how to do any better. Like the MC pointed out in the beginning that I'm still angry even I told them that I don't cry everyday anymore. I obviously don't feel as sad as before. But I AM still angry.

Toward the end, I told WH about what some of you guys suggested that he needs to get himself fixed first. But he still seems to think that we need to work on us. I told him that he is broken. We shouldn't work on the relationship until he is fixed. Then the call just ended since time was up. I guess it's going to be another unfinished business.

[This message edited by hi2super at 1:49 AM, Thursday, March 24th]

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725243
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:52 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Then the MC said that the husband was remorseful here so there was no point to say that. She is also my WH's IC so I'm not sure if that's why she said that.


Your MC is full of shit. NOTHING you've posted about your WH so far suggests that he's remorseful, and frankly, the conflict of interest here is mind-boggling. You are not feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and that's because your cheating ass WH hasn't done the work he needs to do.

Right now there's a thread in General about "unmet needs". Please go read that. Also, check into the Wayward forum and read Things That Every Wayward Needs to Know, which is pinned at the top. Also read some posts from recovered WS's like Daddydom. Remorseful WS's aren't at you trying to get YOU do fix things for them. It's quite the opposite when they are really repentant. Also, I'm going to reprint a post I made for somebody else on "unmet needs".

Seriously, don't put yourself through that again. If you want to try MC, find a competent one who won't take any bullshit off your cheater.

((big hugs)) I'm sorry you they put you through that.

My own WH went on a Craigslist binge six years ago, multiple partners, various degrees of emotional attachment. He even thought he was in love at one point. But ten years before that, I'd caught him out in some online shenanigans, porn, cybersexing, emotional affair, etc. In fact, I caught him out only two weeks before a planned meet-up. I'd already seen an attorney before I confronted him and I was bent on divorce, but he pretty much cried his way out of it and I settled on MC. As you might have guessed already, we too were bamboozled with the "unmet needs" model of therapy, which sounds so reasonable. I upped my wife game, and did my best pick-me polka, but within a couple of years, he was right back at it behind my back. By the time we reached the ten year mark, he had screwed up his nerve to go live and in person on Craigslist.

Of course, I was pretty shocked as you might imagine. I thought we were good. I thought his "needs" were met. Damned if I hadn't been turning myself inside out for a decade to make sure, right? The more I thought about it, the more I revisited what I knew about the "unmet needs model", the less it made sense. I was doing everything right and he still CHOSE to cheat.

Here's the fly in the "unmet needs" ointment...

Healthy ADULTS don't need to be validated. They validate internally. Healthy adults are self-fruitful in the matter of contentment and life satisfaction, and when things come up which make them unhappy, they address the cause and solve the problem. OTOH, the vast majority of cheaters cheat because they're seeking external validation. They are NOT emotionally healthy. They can't do it on their own. They've got a hole inside them and no amount of external validation will fill it. Certainly, the old and familiar validation of a spouse doesn't get the job done. Our "kibbles" are stale and boring. They don't create enough adrenaline anymore to make the cheater feel special. It's like getting an "atta boy" from your mom, right?

This is old pop-psy which is still being taught in schools and still selling books. But it's bullshit. NOTHING you can do (or fail to do) can MAKE another person throw away their core values and do something that's in this kind of opposition to good character. If you're a person who BELIEVES in fidelity, who VALUES fidelity, you don't cheat. End of story. Because when we truly value something we protect it. The cheater has a "but..." in his values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, but... not if my needs aren't being met." For people like you and me, we have a "so..." in our values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, so... I don't put myself in risky situations with the opposite sex." This is the BOUNDARY we create organically. We don't sit around planning it out. It just happens, because it's innate to our character to protect what we value. The cheater doesn't have those boundaries because he doesn't really honor his values. He only claims to.

I'm not saying that your marriage is over or that your WH can't change. What I am saying though is that this "unmet needs" model is NOT going to challenge him to clean up his flawed character. In fact, it allows him to offload responsibility onto the marriage and onto YOU. It's not your job to MAKE him feel (fill-in-the-blank-here). It never was. It's his job to control his feelings. You could have been doing everything exactly perfect for the entire length of your marriage, and he would still have cheated... because there's NOTHING in his character stopping him and he has no coping mechanism to fall back on when he feels unvalidated, inadequate, unappreciated, etc.

It's HIS job to see that his "needs" get met. Sometimes that might mean negotiating with you, say if it's about sex or about the division of labor in your home, etc. But sometimes, it might mean that what he sees as a "need" is unhealthy in an adult, like external validation through attention and flattery.

MC's are there to treat the marriage. The marriage is the client. So, of course they're going to talk about communications, resentments and expectations. The MC doesn't want to alienate anyone, so s/he's looking to find balance on both sides. But marriages don't cheat. People do. The only way your WH is going to make a change that safeguards against further perfidy is by correcting his need for external validation and becoming an emotionally healthy adult whose deeds are as good as his word. No excuses, just honoring the things he claims to value. For that, I would recommend IC (individual counseling) with a therapist who is well-versed in adultery.

The last thing any newly-minted BS needs is to walk into an MC's office, believing that they've come to safe harbor, and being handed a copy of The Five Love Languages or some other "unmet needs" gobbledygook. It would be really nice if we actually did have the power to control our mate by giving them "acts of service" or "words of affirmation", but sadly, we aren't gods who can stop a cheater from seeking out his/her choice of adrenaline rush and new kibbles. Although, this kind of pop-psy suggests that their behavior is somehow our responsibility. The more you dig into this ridiculous line of thought, the more absurd it becomes.

Anyway... sorry for the lengthy post. Nothing fries my ass more than seeing new BS's being sold this bill of goods.

R is still going fairly well.. 7 years now. I consider myself healed.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8725280
default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 4:05 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Very interesting...I was reading the "unmet needs" post. I read articles written by MC when I first found out I almost two months ago. In fact, that's what WH has been telling our MC too. He said he wasn't getting any "emotional support" from me. In our case, we don't know how to communicate. He felt offended by what I said so he just shut the door. Me, I actually have a lot of unmet needs. He rarely cared, appreciated or even loved me before. All those are important in a relationship. The MC asked me why I chose to stay with him all these years. I said I did love him. But this love equation was very imbalanced.

Honestly, if he didn't have PA, I would have taken him back already like I did last time. But this is really a wake up call for me. I didn't realize I had sucked up for this long. I didn't realize I shouldn't be treated this way. I didn't realize I have an a**hole husband. I won't let myself suck it up anymore. I know what I want in a man. If he is not becoming that person, then just leave me alone. I won't let the kids stop me or my decision.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725295
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:39 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

I won't let myself suck it up anymore. I know what I want in a man. If he is not becoming that person, then just leave me alone. I won't let the kids stop me or my decision.


Good! If you don't get anything else out of your time at SI, understand that you are WORTHY of a partner who loves you and who is faithful to you. You deserve better than to be cheated on and lied to by a selfish person.

In our case, we don't know how to communicate. He felt offended by what I said so he just shut the door.

This right here is one of those things that you've probably just accepted as fact, but what happens when you challenge it? Your WH isn't a child. He most certainly CAN communicate with you. He's just not an honest broker.

I'm not saying that the marriage is hopeless. When you go back and read your own posts though, this marriage hasn't suited you. It hasn't been worthy of you. You deserve to feel loved by the person you've committed yourself to. You deserve to feel like your spouse wants to be with YOU, not that he just wants to be part of a family dynamic that you feel guilty for pressing on him. You see with your own eyes that he's gotten over his reticence on that score. From here it looks like you couldn't dislodge him with at stick of dynamite. So, let that part go. Weigh this relationship on its own merits, just you and him. And then, refuse to accept less than what you deserve. The onus is NOT on you to twist yourself into whatever pretzel shape your WH finds pleasing. It's for him to please YOU. He's the cheater, and YOU are the prize.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8725302
default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 5:01 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

So true...everything you said.

He has to move out of his brother's house this weekend since sis-in-law has family coming so he can't stay there anymore. So he has been telling me that he will just stay in his car at night in our parking lot. He asked me to let him come up and take shower. I don't know what to do about that. Coz I know if my parents see him like that, they will probably let him stay overnight. But I don't feel comfortable with that arrangement. Now he thinks I'm too cruel to him since he complained that to our MC too. He also complained that I didn't want him to wipe our daughter after she peed last weekend. I know I said something I probably shouldn't (I said "it's not another vagina to you"). But obviously, I have been mad about him the whole time...A lot of times, I just don't know what to do with him anymore.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725308
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:15 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Could he be:
Mildly autistic
Narcissistic and gaslighting you like crazy
Never going to love you as a husband should.
Contemptuous of women in general
A serial cheater

I vote for the narc gasighting you and the MC

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8725310
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:30 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Again, your H has many demands of you yet he doesn’t appear to be putting gorth the same effort.

Maybe you quit MC. It doesn’t appear to be helping you.

Tell your MC and your H that you are not going to continue because you are not the liar and cheater. And that your H continues to blame YOU and as long as that mindset continues, the marriage and YOU will never get stronger, heal or be a marriage you want to stay in.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:30 AM, Thursday, March 24th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8725314
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:32 AM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

He has to move out of his brother's house this weekend since sis-in-law has family coming so he can't stay there anymore. So he has been telling me that he will just stay in his car at night in our parking lot.

Agreed with 1stWife regarding the counselor, of course. But this business of making himself into some kind of martyr, sleeping in his car, is for the birds. He can certainly do better than that. He can call around to other friends and family, try some Airbnb or other short term rentals, or whatever he needs to do in order to have a place to stay. Sleeping in his car is adding pressure on you and is a clear manipulation. He's not a child. He's an adult who ought to be able to fend for himself without these overt attempts to ply your sympathies. If he can't manage to hold his end up during your separation, how the hell are you supposed to believe he'll do it in R???

And regarding your lost temper.. when you're really having trouble keeping your temper under control (and rage is just part and parcel of the betrayed spouse experience), that's when limited or no contact serves you best. All you can do is dust yourself off and try again. You've got a lot of epithets and zingers roaming around in your brain all trying to jump out of your mouth. It's not ideal, but it IS completely normal.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8725316
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:33 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Your H sleeping in his car is manipulating you.

It also shows he very easily gives up.

Ohhh boo-hoo he has nowhere else to go. Not that he tried btw. He made this mess but yet doesn’t have the ability to step up to the plate and act like an adult, take responsibility and figure out what to do to rectify the situation.

He doesn’t have to live in his car.

You know that. So does he.

I’m going to say this to you and I had to say this to my H 10 days after dday1.

Stop dragging him down the R path with you.

You will regret it. I practically turned myself into a pretzel trying to get my H to R when he was showing me he didn’t want to.

6 months after dday1 was dday2. I finally realized my mistakes and stopped torturing myself. I was forced to make the choice to D him. I had no other options if I wanted out of the nightmare.

Again you are being dictated to about WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO DO AND HIS AFFAIR IS YOUR FAULT.

You can see that you have been in an emotionally unhealthy relationship for far too long.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8725334
default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 3:35 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

WH and I both knew he doesn't need to sleep in the car. He can definitely go to his parents' place. He just chose not to. I know he wouldn't ask his friends since he definitely doesn't want his friends or anyone other than his family to know that he cheated. Like he said, it's his problem. But when I asked about where he would be staying, he got angry with me because I didn't even let him come in to shower. I asked because I still care a bit. But I'm NOT going to ask again. He is still the same person as before. The way we talked to each other in front of the MC was still the same as before.

After we got cut off at the of the MC session yesterday since it was over an hour, he texted me and said "I'm trying to fix our marriage and you are talking about fixing myself. I think we need to figure out how to make us work if it's even possible." I really don't know what exactly he wants me to figure out.

I think I should tell the MC next time that this couple counseling just doesn't work at the moment. We both have our own issues to work on. WH is so broken that he doesn't even know where to begin or even realize what needs to be fixed first. To him, he needs to fix his core character (is it even possible?) why it's ok for him to cheat. I need to learn how to control my anger toward him. When he was talking during the session yesterday about how he became emotionless with me in the past because I didn't emotionally support him or try to understand. This is actually what's happening to me now. I could totally relate. I have been building myself a wall that I don't want to feel anything around him so I wouldn't feel hurt. I didn't even realize that. I honestly don't know how to act around him, interact with him or engage with him. But I need to do better - better than him. At least I don't want to become an a*sshole who just end up having an affair of my own. I need to learn how to be more peaceful and a better person. I'm definitely going to do that for for myself, NOT for him! Hope you guys can give me more useful advice...thank you again!

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725371
default

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:50 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Awesome!

Work with your own IC and leave this enabling MC in the dust.

BW x2
Recovering
Arriving at Thriving

posts: 404   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8725374
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:08 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

The best thing I ever did was face my own issues. Not the issues my H "decided" I had that made my marriage "bad".

I was a doormat.

I put others first far too often.

I didn’t speak up.

I avoided confrontation. I would give in to keep the peace.

Dday2 was my shining moment. I stopped allowing my H to dictate what happens in our marriage. I stopped accepting his lying and cheating and decided I was no longer putting up with it.

I spoke up. I stood up for myself.

And I now have a much u priced marriage. My H respects me. I respect him.

Would not have happened if I didn’t make some changes to myself. If I allowed him to dictate our future he would have rugswept the whole affair and continued living without making any changes.

I would be living with a spouse who showed up hours late without calling or notifying.

I would be living with a spouse who was still flirty with women.

I would be living with someone who expected it was ok to cheat b/c he got away with it the first two times.

I would be living with a spouse who never changed.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8725378
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

I need to learn how to be more peaceful and a better person. I'm definitely going to do that for for myself, NOT for him!

There's peaceful with yourself and with your children and in your healing, but when you're dealing with a recalcitrant WS, the last thing you need is peaceful. What you need... are your bitch boots. When he says to you, "I'm trying to fix our marriage and you are talking about fixing myself." That's when you remind him that your marriage can't be "fixed" when your partner is DEFECTIVE. He's a liar and a cheat without integrity and until he "fixes" that particular aspect of the equation, there's no marriage to work on.

You seem like you're feeling really bad for having an emotional response to what he did, but that response is NORMAL. We've all been there. As you get further into study, you'll find that so much of our reaction is trauma-based and that human beings react to trauma in much the same way. Some of the stuff you're going though right now is just par for the course of being a human animal who has been intimately betrayed. Your WS keeps trying to make this about you and YOUR reaction to his perfidy instead of... his perfidy. It's okay to refuse delivery on that. And if you want a chance at marital recovery, it's actually GOOD to be shitty enough with him that he starts listening to what you need.

Like The1stWife and many others here, it wasn't until I told my WH flatly that I was going to divorce him that his fantasy world went 'pop!', and he realized that ALL the rationalizations he'd made up in his mind were bullshit. And that's what happens with cheaters, they engage in all kinds of mental gymnastics in order to make us the bad guys so they can cheat without feeling like assholes. But none of those rationalizations are true and they ARE being assholes. They need to FEEL that.

You're not the one who is wrong in this situation. It's him. And even if you want to repair the marriage as much as he apparently does, you can't fix it with a defective partner. Don't pull your punches about that. He needs to know why it was possible for him to say 'yes!' to betrayal. The tougher you are, the better your chances.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8725452
default

cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 8:11 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

I'm so sorry you've been going through quite the situation. Hugs to you. Please take the time to do what you think is best after talking with your therapist. You can't make a mistake.

posts: 162   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8725454
default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 9:22 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

Honestly, I don't even know if he knows how he or his core character could be fixed. I don't even know how either even it's really his problem. How can he fix the part that he has been a liar and cheater the past 1.5 years? He said he doesn't want to look backward and move forward. But we can't pretend nothing happened! How do I know he won't lie or cheat again? How can an IC or life coach help him? It's not his mom who didn't teach him well since his brothers don't cheat. He is the only bad apple who had been divorced once already. I'm curious what the approach to get fixed should be.

I feel like this is the first time that I ever spoke up about my feelings. True I might be stubborn and insisted my way when WH and I fought in the past. But it was usually the things we had at the moment such as different opinions and different ways we handled things. I rarely talked about my feelings and what exactly I needed in this relationship. I didn't even know how to feel in the past. I knew he didn't treat me well but I didn't realize I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I just knew it wasn't right but didn't think about what to do about it. When I looked back these days, I don't think I was truly loved or wanted most of the time. Now I got a chance to "re-do" it ONLY if he is becoming the person I deserve to be with. Like you guys have been telling me, I shouldn't accept any more BS from him. If he is not even acting like he really cares about me now, there is just no point for me to keep doing anything with him.

In fact, when I'm going to see him this weekend, I am going to ask him why he cried yesterday during our MC session. I wonder if he just felt sorry for himself and the situation/mess he created the entire time since he got kicked out 7 weeks ago. I wonder if he feels sad only because he doesn't get to see the kids everyday anymore. Let's see what he can come up with.

[This message edited by hi2super at 9:33 PM, Thursday, March 24th]

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725483
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:41 PM on Thursday, March 24th, 2022

How can he fix the part that he has been a liar and cheater the past 1.5 years? He said he doesn't want to look backward and move forward.


He has to accept that HE is the problem, that cheating and lying are NOT good character and they are NOT a legitimate response to whatever angst and disappointment he's had in life. He's got to dig deep and figure out WHY he ever thought cheating was an okay choice, and then when he finds that reason, he's got to repair it. His core values are NOT what he said they were. He doesn't value fidelity, because if he did, he couldn't have cheated. So, what exactly does he stand for if not the things he claims in public?

I think the more you read around here, you'll get an idea of the changes that need to happen. Quite frankly, it's typical that he doesn't want to look backward. But tough shit, right? He can't change what he won't acknowledge and he's worth nothing to you unless he changes. It's hard to stand up to somebody who has hurt you more than you thought you could be hurt. But you're doing the best thing for both of you when you do. What's the worst thing that could happen if he said to you, "I don't want to look backward, I want to move forward", and you said, "Tough shit. You don't get to move forward with me until you look backward and fix whatever the fuck went through your head that made cheating an option."???

You don't have to know how to fix him. You only have to know what fixed ought to look like. It's HIS job to make those changes. Even if you wanted to do it for him, you couldn't. When it comes to integrity, we all have to figure it out for ourselves; what we believe, what we stand for, what we'll tolerate.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8725515
default

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:07 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Your husband is no prize. And he has to work really hard to become remotely acceptable.

And I agree, find a new MC. This one should go back to MacDonalds.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1945   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8725585
default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 4:39 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Haha...first time laughing today..and it's almost midnight!

I have been taking notes here. I will literally memorize some of what you taught me and say that in front of him when necessary. But I just feel weak when I talk to him sometimes...not that I don't know what to say. I am just not strong enough, not bitchy enough...And I always seem agitated and angry when I talk to him whenever it's not chitchat or anything related to kids. I noticed I had been like that during the MC sessions too...I am not liking this version of myself even I haven't really talked to other people like that yet. Is there anything I can do about myself? Any anger management tips? I have been seeing my own IC every two weeks. She suggested to take a break and do/eat whatever I like..meditate whenever possible. Anything else I should be doing meanwhile? How do I even focus on anything like work? I have been lagging the past two months.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725605
default

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:52 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

For me, work was a distraction for the most part. Coming home was hard. But I had my moments.

Before your mc, go for a run or walk or yoga. I also brought notes on what I wanted to raise, I found that way I could talk about what I wanted. I always said at the start of the session that I had 3 things I wanted to talk about.

For day to day, it was hit and miss. I was told to use my anger to help motivate me or focus.

Whenever we talked, I wrote everything down. It did help. I treated it like a meeting with swearing.

It is ok to be angry, your husband betrayed you to the core. It is normal, and it comes and goes.

This is very new still, give yourself the kindness of self compassion.

Hugs

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1945   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8725608
default

 hi2super (original poster new member #80112) posted at 2:24 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

#Tallgirl, your status says "Legally separated, one more step." So I guess you will divorce your WH?

Thank you for your advice! I do take notes too whether it's with MC or IC. I think I'm getting better in some way. I don't cry everyday as I told both MC and WH last time. I probably cry every other day. I had other goals to achieve before I found out...I just want to go back to focus on those personal goals. I really don't want to waste too much time on this mess but it's just so hard.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2022   ·   location: New York
id 8725715
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy