SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think I'm having one of my days.

I am now 3.5 years separated and on the cusp of being divorced and very excited about cutting off that albatross. I've had my own apartment for 2.5 years and have gotten into a groove. My older daughter has graduated and opted to live with me full-time, while my younger daughter is week on/week off. It is a system that seems to work. In the past, my younger daughter has expressed a desire to live with her mother after graduation, but this has shifted and she is now unsure. Financially, it would make sense for her mother and I to take one daughter each as house prices are crazy here. But I think my girls do better emotionally she they are with me. The uncertainty of our future is unsettling for me as a three bedroom is completely out of reach.

Even though my life is stable and I can pay the bills, I still find myself cycling through periods of melancholy and loneliness. I've been single for two years, and still miss my GF, as she crosses my mind every day, even though it was a relationship that for some reason we could not seem to get to work. Tragic really, as we were good together, just on different pages. I miss the tenderness of a woman's touch and the comfort of a woman's scent.

However, I've come to the realization that at 55 I'm past my best before date 📅 and most likely will be alone for the remainder of my years, at least according to the data. Thanyou social scientists!. I get sad at times at everything I've lost due to my STBXWW'S shitty choices. There is so much I won't get to experience, family gatherings, welcoming grandchildren together, growing old together, etc. That chapter is now concluded, and yes new chapters can be written, but they are not part of the same narrative arc.

I've observed my moods and have noticed that the sadness comes in cycles, lasting about a day. Usually after a sleep I'm okay and back to my purpose. But it always returns, so it is difficult not to look at it and wonder if that is how the remainder of my years will be, oscillating between sadness and I guess...not sadness? It just deem like the rich and textured existence I had envisioned the final years of my life to be. In fact, it smacks of having failed.

The weird thing about my periods of sadness is that I actively embrace them. Maybe it's out of some masochistic notion or maybe I just need to feel something, anything other than apathy. I feel like it's the emotional equivalent of cutting myself. It seems as if infidelity has selectively cauterized only those positive emotions, ironically, leaving the negative ones untouched.

Maybe I am being dramatic and too influenced by two years of pandemic and now the state of the world, but really, is this all that remains? Just run out the clock till the buzzer sounds...

Good Sunday morning, just wanted you to know your post resonated with someone today.

My thoughts are that your last sentence contained a freight-load of answers for feeling like you often do!

#1: truly, this is a time none of us ever thought we would be living through in our country, or our world, let alone having the personal losses you have to process.

#2: At 70, I look back a lot. I'm convinced the trajectory of adult life tends to produce moods corresponding with each decade, especially our later ones. Some authors have said happiness tends to increase for people in their 6th decade of life; maybe because by then we have accepted that at least we "got through it all."

But I hear you. It is too easy to get hooked in to feeling 'on the outside looking in' at the nostalgic life we'd planned for our futures, especially when almost ALL the marketing we have been exposed to over our lives shows seniors as a prosperous, attractive silver-haired couple, most often beaming lovingly at each other! Surely you've seen a ton of those kinds of images? Then, add to that the "confirming data" we observe, whenever we go to places and glance around (whether it be church, restaurant, or any entertainment venue) and see happy-looking older couples there. (At least, they seem happy!) It is a 'confirmation bias' kind of thinking and possibly not reality were you to see inside each situation. But we just go "Yep, like those guys over there, that's what I'm missing!"

But also, you've been stuck in limbo land for a long time, and that is having an effect. I bet the legal ending of marriage to a cheater will bring you a measure of relief. Keep on keeping on! And pray for a better world.

JSG, just wanted to tell you you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Infidelity robs so much from us...so friggen much.

I’m only a couple months from dday, and I have these kinds of thoughts all the time. The uncertainty of my future has never hit me this hard. We had plans, hopes, dreams...and now all of that is trashed.

I am trying to heal from all of this and also trying to think about a new life and a new future...but it’s not easy and frankly, very depressing still.

I know people say that in time you may not want to be partnered...that being single is actually awesome. The thing is, I was in a relationship where he supported me and never held me back from doing anything, so I didn’t feel smothered ever, or that I couldn’t do something I wanted to. And, he was there when I needed him...until I found out what he really was...stupid idiot.

While I might change my mind, at this point, I can’t see myself without someone...I love being partnered. I love being cared for and caring for someone...I know that sounds co-dependent or something, but it’s how I feel and what I want again someday.

We were supposed to grow old together and it rips my heart out knowing he selfishly fucked it all up..for nothing.

But I have to believe that if we truly want to share our lives with someone, that we will find each other when we’re both ready. Sounds stupidly fairy-tale-ish, I know. But there are still good, decent, loyal people out there who want the same things. So, it will happen...and some people say it happens when you’re not looking or least expect it.

Sending you hope...you’re a good man, and I’m certain good things will come your way. Sorry if that sounds like toxic positivity...which I can’t stand, lol.

Hey there. I’ll be 55 in a few weeks, so I feel the pressure of age as well. And men have better odds of partnering up than women in our age group, so there’s that. 🤷‍♀️. But am I alone? No. I don’t have a partner and yes that has major downsides. But I do have better friendships than I had while married. My family relations are even stronger. I have pets who brighten every day. And I actually have learned to like myself— and I l like being with myself. This makes being alone a lot less lonely.

Yes, I have the ups and downs, but I am not waiting for the buzzer. Just the opposite, actually. It took time, but now I am actively building my new future. I miss the one I had envisioned before — that is still a hard loss - but I am sure that my next chapter can be and will be pretty amazing. Getting here took some work with my therapist and working through the baggage I brought in to my adulthood. But it’s a nice state to be in.

Keep accepting the sadness but don’t stay there. Covid is loosening its grip and summer is coming (assuming you are in northern hemisphere) — so start getting out. Stay busy. Try new things. Pick up new hobby. You are going to have a great next chapter. I believe it.

I'm a little further along on this journey and currently single so maybe all I can provide is my own context. I think we all share some commonality in the path we follow, but it is also a disparate path so these are my observations and thoughts. I believe much of this is independent of gender, but I only date women, so it will be described from that perspective.

I think the first and maybe largest group of people we find while dating is the broken crew. They are desperately looking for someone to fill, define or take care of their lives. Some of these are easy to spot and you can move on quickly, but others you actually have to start dating before this becomes apparent. My first GF was this way. Though there were definitely some red flags early on that I dismissed. Lesson learned, don't ever ignore a red flag. Drill down to see what is behind that flag!

Next are what I would call serial daters. While they may have been married in the past it was likely not for very long. These are people who have not learned the subtlety of actually function in a relationship long term. This may just be a sub group of broken above, but I think of it as unique. I see it as an independent group because these people don't have the brokenness and desperation of needing someone in their lives. They actually tend to be the other extreme. They don't need or really want anyone in their life other than the fun/enjoyment it brings for today. My recent GF was in this group, we got along well, had great conversations, she was independent and could take care of herself, but she was not looking for a long term relationship. While it would have been easy to just continue dating her. I choose to break it off because I was unwilling to put effort into a relationship that I knew was not going to be viable long term. Not calling it off would put me in the wrong place to actually find someone to have a long term relationship with.

Last is where I want to be and the type of person I am actually looking for. They are the ones who take the good from the second category. They can take care of themselves, are not looking for someone to fill their lives, but they also understand and appreciate that a long term committed relationship can enhance your life. The old 1+1>2 mentality. Yes, you want to be okay being alone and know you can take care of yourself, but knowing that things could be even better in a healthy relationship is also okay. One of my friends who was divorced around the same time I was has found this. It only took a few times meeting and talking with his now wife to recognize she was a keeper.

I think at times the advice given here and were some people go is closer to the second category and that's sad because that will likely leave them single for the rest of their life. If that is what makes you happy then great, but make sure you communicate this with whoever you are dating because they may be looking for more than just dating while it is convenient. I also believe there is a high probability the person I will call my wife for the rest of my life is currently in a happy long term marriage. As the passing of our friend Losfer reminds us. We are of the age where good men pass more regularly than we would like.

These groupings are way over simplified and maybe really needs a separate thread to tease out the details and more groups, but hopefully this gives you something to think about. Yes, you may be single right now, but that doesn't imply this is the path you are destined to. It's just the one you are currently on.

[This message edited by HeartFullOfHoles at 8:21 PM, Sunday, March 6th]

59 here, ~3.5 years out from D-Day, 4+ months separated, 2 months in my "new-to-me" historic old house that is all my own. This is not the future I had envisioned years ago; that went away with STBXW... I am sad about it, sure. But it is OK, because there is a different, wonderful, future ahead of me... I am still discovering it, still constructing it for myself as I go along, but I am sure it will be great (because it is up to me to make it so)!

I can relate to what Bearly Breathing wrote about better friendships; basically I just want to echo her whole post!

JSG, I'm going to be 59 next month. I understand about feeling past the prime date because I'm in that group, too. What I do know it's that my mom and grandmother both married again late in life. Mom at 65+ and grandmother at 70+. You're never too old.

One of these days, I'd like to raise a glass to you in your pub.

Appreciate you and the posts you do.

Thanks all. Like I said, lasts a day and back to doing okay. It's Monday and back to work. The business helps.

This is not all that remains. There is so much life left to live! Have you talked with a counselor or a doctor about how you're feeling? I feel lonely often, too, but try to surround myself with people at times so that I feel less lonely. The best is yet to come!

Certainly, don't give up on yourself. Do everything you can to make yourself appealing to the opposite sex. Have a plan on how to meet someone and execute it. Online dating can be demoralizing. Many quality women avoid it. But if it is the only game in town, try it but keep expectations under control. At your age, I believe the number of single women begins to outnumber single men. There are a lot of dysfunctional people out there but not all of them are nut jobs. This suggestion may ruffle a few feathers but look for a widow.

Finally, you can develop platonic friendships with women that can help alleviate the loneliness. That can be a little tricky but it can be done. A friend of mine has a history of doing that, though sometimes it blows up in his face.

Your comment about being past your "use by" date made my heart hurt for you. Please please drop that way of thinking!
I was not a good picker of marriage partners before I turned 40, and had 3 divorces under my belt when I met my fourth husband at age 42. We had a pretty happy marriage until he cheated - twice - but I forgave him and eventually helped him to die the way he wanted to -at home - when I was age 64. Plus I was morbidly obese and in a wheelchair! But unbeknownst to me, my dying husband asked his best friend to "look after" me after he was dead. And his best friend and I recently celebrated our eighth anniversary. I swear to you....God saved the best for the last!!

Thanks Sohappynow. I appreciate the words of encouragement.

Good post. I totally feel you. At 56, and coming up to 4 yrs out from Dd1, I feel old and certainly not at the top of the pick list. I have dated a little, and I am not ready or confident enough to totally go for it.

If my ex ends up happily married, and I am alone I will be egging his house weekly.

Maybe you need to think about this from a different angle. How are you relative to your peer group? Unless you are planning to date people half your age who cares if you feel old relative to them. I'm certainly past the half way point in my life, but I'm happy where I am and I certainly do not feel old relative to the women in the age group I find acceptable to date. Now I will confess that for most of my life people have assumed I was younger than I really was. Though my long thinning gray hair is likely changing the tide on that one .

My grandmother was widowed in her early 60s. Devastating loss.

She remarried to her second husband who was a wonderful man. She was widowed again.

She remarried again. Her third H was a wonderful man. Sadly she was widowed again in her 80s.

You never know how life turns out. If you don’t want to be without female companionship or relationships, you can change that. On your terms.

It’s up to you to make it happen.

It’s up to you to make it happen.

This, so much this!!!!