SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know how many times I've read that WS's become revisionist historians on this site, but I just got a dose of it.

I was just told that I am emotionally abusive and that WW has had to walk on eggshells around me for out entire marriage. I was also advised by the same WW that " no matter how we feel about each other, we shouldn't involve the kids " ...this from someone who had an EA with a borderline pedophile.
I've spent 16 years keeping a roof over this woman's head, never cheated, never strayed, provided for her and our kids, rarely raised my voice and I get told I'm emotionally abusive, Meanwhile she cheated, never let me talk about how it made me feel, threw away the actual work she put into R by hanging out with a crew of women who are actively cheating on their husbands (and apparently telling them what a shitty husband I am as one of them got mad at me one night and mentioned it)..... How do they not see how full of shit they are? Off to the lawyer on Monday....

It's easier to rewrite and use that as a justification or balance instead of doing the work to own your own actions.

I got the same thing. WW told the MC that out of 20 years of marriage I was emotionally abusive the last 16. She embellished and distorted events from HER actions that made me out to be some kind of monster. Example, once when she was pregnant with our youngest we had an argument about something I can't even remember since the topic was not that serious, and SHE left the house, walking, no coat, no word, in DECEMBER while PREGNANT. I didn't know or see she left until I asked her mother (who was visiting) where she was. But she told our daughters and the MC I THREW her out.

She also blamed her affair on my lack of sexual pursuit and interest in her. Interestingly during MC I found her "Love Dare" diary from about 4 years before her A which had one day's assignment to meet your husband at the door, sexily dressed, and make mad passionate love. Her entry was that she felt bad about her body image, confessed that I was the one that always initiated, and basically blew off the assignment as the sex was not important to her.

Her blame shifting, gas lighting, and re-writing history had me questioning everything I remembered. Thank God I found that diary and SI. It was here that I saw so many BS's dealing with re-written marriages and knew my recollections were correct.

She embellished and distorted events from HER actions that made me out to be some kind of monster

I swear we had this conversation this morning. Apparently I'm also controlling and kept her from seeing her family during the holidays.....meanwhile SHE is the one who complained about having to make multiple stops and be in the car every holiday....

After having been on here, I've found that the revisionist history tends to be much more prevalent with WWs, rather than WH. With WHs, its more about the sex (lack thereof), or lack of attention, but mostly sex. With the WWs you often hear rewriting and lying, and why we always advise for a VAR with WW b/c they will go ape shit to protect their false narrative and self, even to the detriment of their children by claiming false DV on their husbands. You almost never hear of a husband doing that in reverse to his wife.

My WW told people she was scared of me, when in fact, I've never laid a hand on her, but hey, she's a women and it sounds believable. In contrast, she was the one who had laid hands on me once while we were dating in college and I let her know to never touch me again. The truth is not whats important to these people, its what they can convince people of why they made and are continuing to make poor decisions. I mean, they lied to you their supposed spouse and children, their parents, why would they do otherwise with friends.

There is a discussion going on now in the General forum where a wife wrote an article about why she chose to divorce her husband (no cheating involved based on her article), but no major marital issues of note, had a maid, nice lifestyle, 3 young kids and supportive husband. Yet, her reasoning is superficial at best for blowing up her family, but its interesting to see the lines being drawn over there with mostly women advocating for her choice and the men adversely appalled at her decision to break up a family over who truly knows what....There was no mention of infidelity, no marital struggles b/c otherwise they would have tried MC at the very least. I think that's why most BS feel this sting, not only was our marital history being rewritten, but the source of the problem and discontent was not even verbalized so that we were given a chance to fix the issues, whatever they may be before your spouse goes and cheats on you. I guarantee her husbands side was a lot different than what the wife wrote about.

I just got an email from my ex, it went straight into the trash as I didnt read it, but I bet its a bit more of revisionist history and her faulty reasons of why she did what she did, but it was not for me, it was for her. You can tell me now, but you couldn't during our marriage? Nearly 5 yrs out!!! No thanks, I don't give a shit about your reasoning and justification b/c during the A, and during our D, it was just a bunch of made up lies anyway, and now that we're divorce, I don't give a shit even if it is the truth. YOU can lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself. For those that have personality disorders, that may not matter, but to the rest of the 90% of the population, lying for that long and to that extent cannot be healthy for ones mental health.

Yeah it's pretty incredible isn't it?
Once my xwh cheated on me:
1. his "life had been hell for the last 5 years" (we'd been married 5 years and 2 months at that point)
2. I "never let him have friends" (in fact, his lack of friends was something I was concerned about for years and spoke to him about more than once - and I had no objections to friends, just not an 18 yo girl he wanted to sleep with... I know, so unreasonable of me)
3. I didn't "need" him enough (I asked him frequently for help that I never got or he found excuses for why he wouldn't help)
4. I didn't "offer him sex" enough (nvm the fact that he went almost 2 years of our 9 years together telling me that he wasn't interested because he had low-T)...
I could go on, but that gives you the general flavor of things. I am sure whatever poor gal he's dating (or using to keep a roof over his head if I'm being accurate) now is hearing all about his "crazy" ex-wife, just like I heard about his first "crazy" ex-wife.

Point being, let her rewrite whatever she wants to and say whatever helps her sleep at night. It doesn't change the objective factual reality that YOU know is true.

I can relate to everything you have said, I guess taking the mask off is too painful for them to do!

What is described above is actually very common human behavior that we are (generally) all guilty of.
Once again a story I have shared several times here on SI.

In my first weeks as a rookie cop I was assigned to an experienced veteran to learn the ropes. After talking to the upmth person for speeding that day the old vet told me "notice how everyone has an excuse? Nobody just admits to having broken the law and just accepts their accountability". I took note of that and for the rest of my years as a cop I witnessed person after person giving me some excuse to why they DUI (I only had one drink, I guess I have the flu…, I really had to get to the ER, No – I only had one sip, the bottle was nearly empty when I picked it up…), why they were speeding (everybody speeds here, I really had to get to the ER, why don’t you guys focus on REAL crime). Burglars would tell me it was a victimless crime since everyone should have insurance, violent men telling me their wife’s deserved it, the other guy punched first (it’s always the other guy that punches first…). Heck… I even heard a pedo explain how the young boys really enjoyed it.

The other day my wife parked my truck so close to a signpost that I sheared off the sideway mirror backing out. Initially I fell into my own trap and blamed the issue on my wife not parking correctly. Fact is I should have noticed the post and the threat and reversed differently. It took me time and thought to remove my wife from the story when explaining what happened. It wasn’t "my wife parked badly and when I tried to move the vehicle the mirror hit the post" but rather "I hit a post reversing the vehicle".

It takes a very special type to simply raise their arm and admit their own accountability. I try to be accountable, but the recent experience shows it still requires concentration and thought.

I think revisionist history is mainly about avoiding accountability. It’s easier to say something like "well… yes at the end of our marriage when it was basically already dead due to his emotional abuse I admit I met OM…" rather than say "in retrospect I should have had the courage to end our marriage since I felt emotionally abused and the affairs were definitely the wrong response".
The abuse? Sometimes it’s in the eyes of the beholder. Maybe you once mentioned she’s gaining weight and that is the abuse. Maybe you were a dickhead. Whatever… For now it really doesn’t matter. If you are divorced then there isn’t anyone keeping score and one of you wins.

Finally: If it’s your ex telling you that you were abusive the standard reply to all such comment is:
"I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree with your comment but that’s a moot point. If we were working at saving our marriage we would need to address this issue but seeing as how we are divorcing there is nothing to gain by going down that route".

If it’s a third party:
"I’m sorry she feels that way. I don’t agree and to me the cause of our marital failure was her inability to remain faithful. I can’t prevent her from saying something else, but I trust my true friends will realize who is being truthful on these issues."

My WW told people she was scared of me, when in fact, I've never laid a hand on her, but hey, she's a women and it sounds believable. In contrast, she was the one who had laid hands on me once while we were dating in college and I let her know to never touch me again.

Funny you mention that - I had that conversation in year 1 of our marriage. We had an argument over something and instead of screaming like a banshee I just turned to walk away and she pushed me from behind. I turned around and she two palmed me in the chest. I told her if she ever laid hands on me again I'd have the cops there so fast her head would spin. Never happened again.

With the WWs you often hear rewriting and lying, and why we always advise for a VAR with WW b/c they will go ape shit

I had completely forgotten about my VAR....time to get some new batteries.

Finally: If it’s your ex telling you that you were abusive the standard reply to all such comment is:
"I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree with your comment but that’s a moot point. If we were working at saving our marriage we would need to address this issue but seeing as how we are divorcing there is nothing to gain by going down that route

Sound advice.

I swear the comments above echo the last 5 months of my WW's words - 13 years of history is not only being re-written, but she's taking a flamethrower to every wonderful memory in our past. She now says she was never really 'in love' with me, or depending on the day it was the last 3 years, 5 years, or whatever. My guess is that her story changes rapidly based on the emotions/feelings of the day and what I assume are the multitude of lies she tells to retain as many friends as possible. I don't even know if she sees these fabrications as lies at this point, my guess is she's just telling people what she thinks they need to hear in order to give her empathy and support.

She never said a word about unhappiness, gave elaborate and loving gifts, showed regular affection, continually told me how happy she was, and many in our circle saw us as the picture perfect family until poof... d-day and everything is upside down. She has lost friends, family, and more as few are buying the revisionist story and are expecting more honesty/accountability from what she has done.

For my children and I, it is all extremely sad, exhausting, and downright emotionally abusive to go through; I'm sorry you (and others) are experiencing (and have experienced) this.

While I don't doubt this is a common trend for many WW's, for my wife, I do wonder what other elements added to this....

- Midlife crisis
- Recent passing of her father
- A general lack of identity / self-worth
- A 'people pleasing' personality
- Difficulty telling the truth
- Covert / vulnerable narcissisms

etc

I don't doubt an affair alone can trigger this response. But for my wife, I am confused by what personality elements led to a person ending their marriage / life in this way. I suspect I will never fully understand and I have spent the last couple of months preparing to move on. I honestly feel like the battle was over before I even knew there was a battle.

We are separated now, I presume divorce is imminent so I'm preparing for the worst while hoping for the best.

abefroman4pres

Maybe you should post your story and worries/concerns/and ?? in a thread you start?

The "revisionist" story is worth it's own thread I think.

abefroman4pres

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. Thanks for sharing, it's nice to know I'm not alone in having the world upended for reasons that don't make a lot of sense.

Narcissism, plain and simple.

My WW started with the revisionist history before getting caught. It was how she made it OK for herself to cheat.

After getting caught, there wasn't revising history so much as active gaslighting about current goings-on.

Finally there was flat out lies and false accusations made to turn me into an abuser.

Eventually I said "divorce" and all of that evaporated. She became a model spouse (other than holding on to some affair details and a couple of other lies).

We gave it a go for another decade plus, but now I am trying to split.

I realize now that the lying and abuse (even though she apologized for it profusely since) was just too much for me to overcome, even if I could get past the details of the infidelities.

The lying and gas-lighting and revisionist history often wind up being nails in the coffin, but I think waywards view them as self preservation techniques.