Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
D-day Antiversary, really?

default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 11:25 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I forgot it was my d-day antiversary. I cannot believe it.I NEVER thought I would get to the point where I actually didn't dwell on infidelity every moment of every day. It feels great to be healed.

What a journey I tell you. Five years ago today it felt like my world ended and I'd never ever be happy again. And I have lived to tell the story of recovering from such a profound trauma. There were times I knew I wouldn't stay with my WS. There were times when I absolutely wanted to get him back, to have an RA. There were times when I was so confused looking at my H and wondering who the hell he was, and therefore, questioning my own sense of self. My reality was shattered.

But in time, and with lots of therapy and especially with the help of the many great folks here, I have come out stronger and emotionally more healthy than before. I didn't get that way because of infidelity. I got that way because of decisions to move through the pain, and process the utter devastation that this betrayal brought to me.

I know how to make proper boundaries for myself now. I know how to discuss difficult subjects now. I know how to express my needs and my feelings without succumbing to the behaviors that mask the fear of vulnerability. I'm a nicer person. I'm a better colleague and leader at work. I'm a better mother. Most of all I'm more understanding and empathetic. And all of the anger and sadness has definitely morphed into something quite beautiful. It's chapter 3 for me!

I didn't think this was possible but now I know it can happen. This was the hardest work I have ever done but it is worth it.

I'm a big SI cheerleader - if it hadn't been for those that came before me who graciously provided their wisdom and experience I don't think I'd be happy on the other side of infidelity. A hearty thank you to each and every one of you who took the time to respond to my posts and to offer your best advice based on your shared experience.

So how's my M? Well we made it. My WS did the work but it took years to get there - for me as well. There is an arc to our recovery and none of it comes without pain and constant efforts to work through the issues. He is clear about what he did and the impact it had and it certainly has its tentacles. And now he can attune to me and I'm actually able to attune to him which is something I didn't want to do at all.

My hope is it only gets better from here. My experience tells me it will only get better if we are both willing to continue to work on ourselves and our relationship.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 7:05 AM, November 25th (Thursday)]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8699867
default

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:22 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Reading your post reminds me of how hard marriage can be. And throw in betrayal and it's darn near impossible. So I liked your post. It's very thought provoking with respect to the journey you've been on.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4464   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8699900
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:10 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Your happiness makes me happy, ISSF. Love you.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4632   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8699905
default

78monte ( member #72572) posted at 3:16 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Great post,ISSF. I read many things of yours and Doms. You are both an inspiration to me of how a marriage can get through this mess.
I am 4 yrs out today. The day hasn't been too bad. Perhaps when I reach 5yrs next year my wife and I can be where you and your husband are.

posts: 1453   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8699907
default

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:50 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Love this. Great post, great journey. Cheers to many more good years.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4273   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8699920
default

GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 8:47 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

I'm really happy for you to read this. I hope you're really proud of the qualities in you which made it possible to get where you are x

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 124   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8699923
default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 12:15 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

@thatbpguy - yep it is f'ing hard isn't it? In retrospect I'm not sure my H and I understood exactly the work that has to happen for a deep partnership to succeed. I'm reminded of it when my children go through their new relationships and fear speaking their truth. I can advise them of the danger of keeping secrets bundled with our internal voices. I can tell them to speak their truth, gently and lovingly without accusation. None of this was in my repertoire prior to the healing from infidelity. It is almost embarrassing to admit this!

@DevastatedDee right back at you!!! You amaze me with your intellectual and honest commentary. Blown away!

@78monte I think I know just where you are at. When I started here I thought I was all that and could beat the odds and heal quicker (this may not be you but it definitely was me). In retrospect I think it was just wishful thinking because it felt untenable to be in that kind of pain for 5 years. Truth is that pain morphs through the healing process and it isn't as acute as year 1. But beat the odds I did not. Some of the healing time came because of me personally and some came from the dynamics between me and my H. No matter - I can definitely feel the difference this last year. You will too! And DaddyDom was NOT a model WS in recovery. He was a mess. He was not contrite nor was he remorseful. Rather he was so steeped in shame that his abuse continued and it wasn't until he could see it that he could fix it. To say the journey was tenuous is an understatement. But here we are and I can admit that I want to be with him and miss him when we are apart. I didn't think that was possible either. Keep working at it. Keep posting and asking questions and expressing your issues. I wish you only the best and we're all here for you.

@BearlyBreathing - a hearty thank you to you!

@GraceLoves thank you. Yes I am proud and now I have enough self-love to say that out loud. Unlike my H I never doubted that I was a good person (of course with typical self reflection on behaviors that were unbecoming). But I'm not sure I behaved in a way that depicted being worthy of love. I certainly know I am worthy now. It is a great feeling and one of those things this journey brought to me that I can share.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8699937
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:14 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Beautiful. Just...BEAUTIFUL grin !!! It feels sooooooo GOOD to be on "the other side" doesn't it???!!! It took me a little longer than you to reach it...but the journey was a little different than yours as well. I had a sandbar a time or two though that gave me a little rest from the constant waves trying to push me back into deeper water smile .

This site has been a Godsend for me too...and I THANK GOD for the friends and family here who know more about me than even my "real life" friends and family!!

Thank you so much for sharing your journey and this thread smile . This is definitely a post that belongs in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread...don't you think blink ???!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5633   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8699942
default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 1:41 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

@W2BHA Yes it feels great now but oh how I begged to feel better for so darned long. I still have things to work on mind you. The trauma has lingering tentacles that I wish weren't present but I am now equipped to face them and process the parts that are left for me. I don't see this as not being healed. I see this as an ongoing effort. Most of what I have is riddled with ties that precede infidelity. But at least I'm at a place where I can tackle them and see if I can overcome some long standing inner demons.

Yes I can post in positive reconciliation stories. I recall that I hung on other people's successes here when I was newly traumatized. It seemed so elusive at the time. You are a beacon of light for the folks here because you give them a place to see what is possible when in the most pain!

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8699946
default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Duplicate post

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 7:52 AM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8699947
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:14 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Yup - great milestone.

So ... now you've gotten through the A ... now you just have to resolve the damned day-to-day issues that come up .... But you'd have to do that anyway, M or single. smile

I'm really glad you've healed from being betrayed. I'm really happy that my W and I have been together so long. It's very nice to have a friend and lover who knew you back then and whom you know, too. It's really nice to be able to ask a person who may know, 'What were we doing 25 years ago?' You're on your way.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:14 PM, Wednesday, November 24th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8699963
default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 3:32 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

@sisoon - Yes it feels like I'm in a new normal where I have things to do short term and work to do on me long term. Both of these seem like normal life. And while my normal is different now than before I like the new normal save the ugly scar of infidelity.

Funny I was just thinking about that history with my H. The things we went through together. The way we were attracted to each other. The common pain and joy we've encountered and now the common growth we've both traversed. Like everything else in life it isn't perfect but it is shared. I have a ways to go with some issues but I'm ready to tackle them. Hopefully we can enjoy that together.

Again this was not something I thought was possible - never say never.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8699964
default

78monte ( member #72572) posted at 4:31 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

ISSF, you're correct. When I first found out, I thought I'd get through quickly.
I was always a very forgiving person. Also I had gotten through the deaths of my parents(they died 6 months apart), 3 yrs before my wife's infidelity.
I figured I'd be healed in a yr, tops. When I was around 6 months, I felt the same if not worse than day. Then I read it takes 1 -1 1/2 yrs. Only when I found this site did I recognize it can take 2-5, perhaps more.
When I recognized it'll take as long as it takes, I removed alot of pressure from myself.
Once again, I'm happy for the 2 of you.

posts: 1453   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8699971
default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 5:07 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

@78monte - yep I get that sentiment totally. I think some of it is disbelief - how could it take so long to heal when my thinking brain can figure things out faster than five years? But it isn't our "thinking" brain that it is at work. It's our lizard brain and that one is hard coded.

Another part of being okay with such a timeline is finally letting go of the outcome and accepting that any outcome is the outcome that is right for us at that point in time. And we shouldn't beat ourselves up for our feelings.

When I hated him, I hated myself for hating him. When I was disgusted by his presence I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way. We have to learn to honor our feelings and not berate ourselves for them. Rather we need to see these feelings as a pointer to the body of work that is next in our healing journey.

In retrospect I can see this now. At the time I was a hot mess trying to sort through the bevy of feelings that consumed me. When I learned to allow myself to feel and process them rather than get incredible anxiety over them, I could work through them with my therapist. When I pushed them away I became more anxious and less capable of living.

It's a process. I hope for you a smooth transition into your new normal.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8699974
default

ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 2:07 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Suffice to say, this is good news. Much happiness to you both!

Me -FWS

posts: 1878   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8700077
default

outofsorts ( member #70701) posted at 2:46 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

I'm so glad ISSF! Thank you for sharing this good news (as well as all of the wisdom you share in your other posts)!

Me(BW): 40WH: 40 Married 7 years, together 20.Dday 2/22/19Reconciling

posts: 352   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2019
id 8700079
default

78monte ( member #72572) posted at 3:49 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Yes ISSF, so much of what you said resonates with me.
I was never comfortable with having negative thoughts towards my wife. She's the person I'm supposed to love unconditionally. However this stuff makes us feel things we never thought would be part of our life story with our spouses.
I still find myself pushing things down and have to remind myself not to.
It's a process and eventually I'll stop pushing things down.

posts: 1453   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8700092
default

 ISurvivedSoFar (original poster member #56915) posted at 1:01 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

@outofsorts - thank you so very much. The least I can do is come back here and post when I think I can truly help someone in a difficult part of their journey. I cannot tell you how much folks here helped me. I was so used to trying to compensate for my WS that it became invisible to me. Others had to gently and sometimes forcefully push me to understand that I could not help him and it was time to put me in the driver's seat or I had no hope of recovering and certainly no hope to R.

@78monte - I so understand.

I was never comfortable with having negative thoughts towards my wife. She's the person I'm supposed to love unconditionally.

Gently, loving someone unconditionally IS seeing them as they are - the good and the bad. More importantly it is being able to discuss with them the way you feel under circumstances between the two of you.

I still find myself pushing things down and have to remind myself not to.

It's a process and eventually I'll stop pushing things down.

This is the crux of the healing process. I had to learn how to discuss my feelings rather than his faults. I had to learn to reveal the voices in my head based on my interpretation of his actions rather than berate him for doing x, y or z. It meant saying things like "I feel so insignificant after [name_the_thing]. It makes me feel like I just don't matter and my needs aren't important." That opened up dialog between us so he could tell me what he was thinking. I was amazed how divergent my thoughts were from his. He has learned to do the same.

I'll give you a very silly example. I travel a lot and every time I come home he has fresh flowers waiting for me. I love it - makes me feel special and to know he is thinking of me when we are not together. So one day I come home and these flowers are there and they are wildly bright and artificial colors (think red white and blue). Right away I told him how much I appreciate the flowers. Later I mentioned that I love that he thinks of me but the colors are so artificial that for me they ruin the beauty of having fresh flowers. He told me that he thought that too but the others with better colors were not fresh and were wilting so instead of nothing he settled on the wild colors. Done. I didn't have to ruminate that he didn't care about me and knows my color choices but ignored them.

I didn't have to hide that the colors were not my favorite while at the same time letting him know how much I appreciate that he took the time to get them for me. And he didn't feel like a failure or a bad person when I spoke my truth. That's the healing and change he has been able to do. In the past I didn't realize that if I made a comment like that he'd think I was telling him he's a bad person.

All of this to say that when our reality is shattered, as mentioned earlier, it necessarily changes us and how we relate. If it doesn't then we cannot grow and the trauma eats us up inside. We can learn to speak our truths and put up our boundaries in a calm and thoughtful way. I'm cheering you on big time!

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8700118
default

lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 3:37 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Issf- I have so much love and respect for you and daddydom. You are authentic, real and call the shots as they are and you give many of us hope that perhaps one day some of us will be ok if we do the hard work and go through the pain. I have recently read rising strong and the chapter that hit me the most was sewer rat one. Suddenly, I feel like I am down on my face in the arena with everyone watching and I have nothing. Quite a humbling experience with shame, self realization and rumbling. And every post of yours bring that acceptance and humility that we will need to emerge on the other side. If ever I needed empathy, here is my opportunity to see the world differently. I am 100% sure that time and action will get us there if remained focus but many of us will give up on each other, on our togetherness or on the outcomes midway. I for one have benefited so much from everyone here and these words of wisdom. No one owes me anything but is still here for a cautious thought at times, a positive one at others but this is hard, soul sucking and if it were not for this sane and sage group of people, I would have drowned. I have every intention of making it to the other side by doing the hard work but just for myself at this point so I can be the best person and the best parent I can be for my poor children who did nothing to deserve this tragedy.
So i have not yet freed myself from the outcomes. It is like I am negotiating with God, time and universe or whatever we want to call the supreme power that please give me one hour, one day that this is not my first or only thought in the head. Your post is reinforcing to hear that after five years of hard work if done right, one can shake off these thoughts. One can free oneself up from this wretchedness, this torture, this chumpness, this gullible innocence. Thank you for this reminder and may God bless you for what you and DD have done for us.

[This message edited by lostindenial at 3:45 PM, Thursday, November 25th]

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8700143
default

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 3:44 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

I know how to make proper boundaries for myself now. I know how to discuss difficult subjects now. I know how to express my needs and my feelings without succumbing to the behaviors that mask the fear of vulnerability. I'm a nicer person. I'm a better colleague and leader at work. I'm a better mother. Most of all I'm more understanding and empathetic. And all of the anger and sadness has definitely morphed into something quite beautiful. It's chapter 3 for me!

AWEsome update ISSF!

It is so hard, SO HARD to be vulnerable again.

You’re a brave badass — and I am happy to see your healing over the years — has helped you forge ahead.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8700146
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211124 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy