SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just sitting here feeling sorry for myself tonight and wondering why so many BS seem to have been married or in relationships for over 20 years before WS cheats. Do they get bored with us or just stop seeing us after all that time?

I think they get bored with the relationship. We aren't necessarily a part of the equation in a manner of speaking - it's just that they want something novel and they don't actually appreciate what they have. After 20 years they view us as a permanent fixture and since they aren't appreciating us they don't really take us into consideration past the notion of 'I have to keep this hidden because it's possible they'll divorce me'.

Don't feel sorry for yourself - this is about their lack of integrity, communication, and guts. What you can do is demand something better for yourself. I get it though, when it happens all you can do is dwell on things and ruminated.

My H's decision to cheat ultimately had nothing to do with me or the marriage.

It's only because of the other experiences over the course of the long M that he has been given an opportunity to really fix what ailed him.

I hope it happens. I'm OK if it doesn't.

My best guess is the 20+yr fails are a combination of mid-life crisis and the kids leaving the roost. You're no longer focused on parenting which frees up time and causes a vacuum in people's sense of purpose or meaning to life. They go looking for something new to fill the time and purpose gap. The mid-life crisis is a combination of seeking youth and feeling a lack of accomplishment.

The short answer in our case is a midlife crisis. My WW became dissatisfied with everything in her life. She needed a new house, car, etc. When that didn’t satisfy her need for change she went about replacing me. Nothing in this world would have ever measured up to the vision in her head. It was an unrealistic fantasy.

My wife and I had been married for 18 years before she began her affair.

I believe, in retrospect, that long before her affair began, we had slipped into living parallel lives. We coparented, we cohabitated, but we did not actively engage with one another. Over time, that became a distance, and that distance allowed contempt on her part. A series of unrelated events in short order and our (separate) reactions to those events, and an opportunistic best friend, spun that distance and contempt up into an emotional affair that became physical.

I don’t think, for my wife, it was about novelty, it was about companionship. We were several years from becoming empty nesters, though our children were old enough to not need her the way they once did.

I wouldn’t call it a "mid-life" crisis, but the events that I think accelerated and finally precipitated the affair were definitely crises in life, the kind that prompt people to seek out comfort and connection. Again, there was a void, a distance between my wife and I at this point and an opportunistic interloper already in the inner circle took full advantage, with my wife as an all too willing and complicit partner.

My wife didn’t stop seeing me, she grew to despise me. She wasn’t bored, she was lonely.

None of the circumstances justify her affair, but to her, then, they did. Now, she can see it for what it was.

I'm not blame shifting.

Some people have porous boundaries that don't get tested much for a long time. They don't go looking to cheat, and they even pass on some opportunities. But something comes along. Life stress, death of a parent, major changes, and it knocks them a little loose. Someone comes into their life that makes them feel young, alive, and carefree again. It's intoxicating, and they give themselves an excuse to have the A.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:42 PM, Thursday, November 18th]

I think there are probably a lot of different reasons and circumstances in different relationships.

My husband had an intense emotional and physical affair for about six months around our 20th wedding anniversary. We had been together for 22 years at that point. I could be wrong, but there’s no indication that he ever cheated before.

I don’t think it was boredom, necessarily, and there weren’t any major problems in the relationship that either of us can point to. But both of us were overwhelmed with stressful jobs, raising teenagers, caring for family members, and dealing with a big tragedy/trauma that had nothing to do with the relationship. In that context, I think it was a pleasurable escape and an appealing alternate universe where someone was completely enamored with him. It was a perfect storm of circumstances and a somewhat aggressive affair partner (we’re only now realizing how unstable she is).

In some ways it is particularly hard to process this affair simply because we were trying to navigate a crisis/tragedy. And it was one that was closer to my husband than to me. It’s hard to beat up on someone, or even hold them accountable, when life was already beating them up so badly to begin with.

But fucking hell. It wasn’t a picnic for me, either, and I didn’t cheat. And this affair has broken me. 16 months out from finding out, and I still feel wrecked a lot of days. We’re making our way forward with as much honesty and kindness as we can muster, but things will never be the same. That’s what gets me. You have something good, and you break it. You can repair it, but it will never be the same. Why do that? What the actual fuck.

Sorry for the swearing.

I should have saved myself the long post and just agreed with Thisis0. I think that was exactly the case for my husband. Porous boundaries, a sense that what we have is secure, and then a perfect storm of circumstances.

If my STBXWW is to be believed,and they rarely are, her one and only long term affair started when she told her AP that her life wasn't very exciting. As if it was my job as a husband to keep her excited. Seems pretty juvenile to me. I certainly did not need to be constantly entertained. I think it may have something to do with eaywards and their inability to self validate or self sooth. They need external stimuli in order to function.tjat would explain her on again off again boyfriend. Just can't seem to be alone. Oh well, I guess now her life isn't boring anymore. Ironically,mine is...or is it just drama free?

Edit to add: married 25 years during first affair. Separated at 27 years. Just hit 40th and D not final yet.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:34 AM, Friday, November 19th]

In my situation, I'm mainly in agreement with This0is0Fine & Gracey.

Porous boundaries, a sense that what we have is secure, and then a perfect storm of circumstances

I would add, in my case, a history of self-centeredness and self-protection that I hadn't fully seen, understood, and acknowledged. I see it now.

After 40 years of marriage my husband plunged into a LTA.

His reasons were: boredom, fear, old age, attention, energy, loneliness. He was bored with his life. He had insecurities about getting older. He craved attention, needed admiration. He wanted to prove that he was still young and energetic, he wanted one last love affair (and not with me apparently!). He wanted excitement and newness. He felt entitled, he was earning big money. etc.etc.

We were great together with our mutual business, but as a couple...we sucked. We took one another for granted. And so when an opportunity fell into his lap, he went for it.

He did not have to chose the affair. But he did. With the AP, he basked in all the attention she gave him. There was passion, sex. And with me, well he got a separation when I found out.

He admitted to completely being f*up at the time and dumb.

Today he tells me I am sexy, exciting, caring and loving. Hellooo my dear husband, I was always there for you. Imperfect yes, but I was always there.

Go figure...

Don't feel so sorry for yourself,..if this helps, think yourself rather fortunate that you are not in his shoes. For they are not comfy slippers, but rather constricted, and ill fitting clompers. I'd rather have comfy slippers. And I do.

Sending you hugs...

My situation was similar. A passionate start and I guess a passionate ending of sorts. My ex needs others to fill him up… and he was great when he was ‘full’. When I stopped filling him up, the resentment came… kids, work, house, stuff kept us busy. Each year we distanced, he came to dislike me, and to hate me. It showed on his handsome face. A friend said try this, an erotic massage parlour, and he did, then it was a prostitute, and then he fell in love, she smelled money, and made him feel great. His affair started at 19 yrs, our marriage ended at 24. He slowly got lost, still hasn’t found himself, and sadly hurt his family on the way. He is now a sad old man trying to find his way.

Thank you for your replies, it has given me some insight into how WS see things maybe. I guess my problem is I thought we were okay and not distanced as much as he clearly felt we were. Although I think sometimes he uses this as an excuse to justify his selfish choices. I like a lot of you felt I had always been there for him and wrongly assumed he was doing the same. I guess novelty of new relationship is attractive and exciting compared to someone who you know inside out. The AP left her husband after 20 years long before she latched on to my WH. I want to believe she influenced my WH however I have to accept he chose to hurt me due to his own selfishness.

Is a boundary even a boundary if it has never been tested? Or simply a statement?

My WW has an addictive personality. Food at a younger age; alcohol in her 30s; apparently an AP during/after that. A lot of issues, under the surface, that needed time and circumstances to play out.

And as for her boundaries? During courtship, and the first half of our marriage, as it pertained to infidelity, I thought that she was as solid as they came. She really valued the marriage, and for whatever reason, me. But over time, resentments built up, and with that came some sense of entitlement. She always saw herself as an unselfish person who put everyone else before her.

I made sure that she knew, at least from MY perspective, that she was the most selfish 'unselfish' person that I have ever met. And today, she would probably agree with that statement I made back then. The boundaries may be stronger now, but I may never know if that is the case.