Thank you everyone.
These posts have given me strength when I needed it.
He's been trying to see me for a few days and I kept saying "no". He sent me flowers. I left them in the box. He asked me to please speak to him, that we could sort anything out in person. I told him there was no point. He is still at the city apartment. I said he had failed to meet the requirements of R and I had overlooked it for a long time and become deeply unhappy as a result and that either I healed with him, with his complete participation and 100% effort, or I healed by myself with him no longer in my life.
He asked what my conditions were. I said:
1. He enter into IC or an online affair recovery program for Wayward spouses so he could sort himself out and begin to see the mistakes he was making and why he was further damaging our M.
He said he would do this, acknowledged it was necessary, but he was worried right now he was so sick he couldn't cope with it. He said he was in no state to fix himself because he had no energy to do more than get by
2. He observe 100% everything in the HTHYSHFYA book, and the post on here called "What all Waywards need to know" and stick with every single item religiously.
He said he would do this and he was really sorry he had failed to do it before
3. He let go of the city apartment and be full-time with me in the country place.
To explain this, basically, this past month since he started working again, he took a crash pad in the city. He's been staying there Monday to Thursday so save the commute. I can stay with him on any nights I want too. In six months when I finish my studied, I can move to the city with him permanently, so this was a plan we decided on. I agreed to this at first, it seemed practical with him so sick, and actually having a couple of nights a week in the city seemed like a fun idea for us to "date" and go to fun places - but I have found it to be very problematic because:
a) As he is so sick, when he is not here physically for hugs and practical things daily, I find it very hard to maintain intimacy and connection
b) I need him around for little triggers /comforts as and when I need them and when he is not around, they spiral out of control and I get frantic
c) As he spent so much time intensively (24 hours a day) with AP it's very important to me he shows he wants the same with me, his darn WIFE, even if he has to commute to do it, or change to WHF - WHATEVER.
d) I find bonding / security is created for me by sleeping together every night and so on and bonding is what I need really badly right now, and it's something he does not need to be "well" to offer me
e) We were long distance which led to this affair in the workplace, and I now want being with me, EVERY SINGLE DAY to be the most important thing in the world to him
He said he could not do this, that he was too sick and could barely drag himself to work as it is, and adding a two hour commute would kill him and he would just be tired and angry and not able to support me anyway. He said "what's the point of me coming in exhausted at 8pm? I am with you Thursday to Monday and I come in between any time you say you need me or want me around. I have never once not come if you said you wanted me and I ask every day if you need me to be there" He didn't even seem to see the general principle that married people live in the same house 24 /7 and that it was impossible for me to live otherwise.
He said he did want to live with me full time, but just not HERE and it really re-wounded me when he said that. I appreciate commuting sucks, but a big part of me needed the message that being with me every single day was his priority. So basically he was happy to more or less live with AP 24/7 because he didn't have to commute to do it.
I was just DONE after that conversation.
I just calmly explained that I was sorry he felt so bad, that I loved him and did not want him to suffer, but that it wasn't my fault and if he was not completely committed to doing whatever I needed right now, I was better off alone.
He said he accepted it but he wanted me to know that I was the love of his life, and he was so sorry he had let me down so much. He said he was sorry he has not loved me the way I deserved to be loved but he wanted me to know that I was always the most important thing in his life and he is sorry his long litany of mistakes ever made it appear I wasn't. He told me I was a great wife, and that I'd never let him down or harmed him, and that he was grateful for ever having met me. He said he was sorry if it felt like he'd turned his back during R, that he was just struggling and if he was fine and healthy he would have done all these things for me. He said it was hard to do these things when he was crying all day. He said he was sorry last weekend he said such horrible things and that he wanted me to know he didn't mean them, and he knew this was all his fault and that it was his responsibility to fix his mess. He said he loved me, and he was so sorry he ever caused me any pain and taken my smile away from my face.
I cried a lot, then just felt a shift in me where I realised, right now at least, I am better off without him because he can't / won't give me what I need to even feel stable enough to begin genuine R.
I think I am ready now to move to the divorce / separation section, so this is a hard time for me. I really did / do love my H. I'm sad for us that he wasn't able to do what he needed to.