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Newest Member: Seekinghelptoo

Reconciliation :
I have asked for a divorce

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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:44 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

GL, ask yourself this one question, and really think about it…what would your WH most likely do if you were get hit by a car or meteor or whatever, and be gone from the Earth. Would he cope?

I’m betting he would. So let him cope now.


On another note…

after which he deleted Facebook entirely

Best thing he did, but took too long.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2804   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8700487
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 GraceLoves (original poster member #78769) posted at 4:16 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Thank you everyone.

These posts have given me strength when I needed it.

He's been trying to see me for a few days and I kept saying "no". He sent me flowers. I left them in the box. He asked me to please speak to him, that we could sort anything out in person. I told him there was no point. He is still at the city apartment. I said he had failed to meet the requirements of R and I had overlooked it for a long time and become deeply unhappy as a result and that either I healed with him, with his complete participation and 100% effort, or I healed by myself with him no longer in my life.

He asked what my conditions were. I said:

1. He enter into IC or an online affair recovery program for Wayward spouses so he could sort himself out and begin to see the mistakes he was making and why he was further damaging our M.

He said he would do this, acknowledged it was necessary, but he was worried right now he was so sick he couldn't cope with it. He said he was in no state to fix himself because he had no energy to do more than get by

2. He observe 100% everything in the HTHYSHFYA book, and the post on here called "What all Waywards need to know" and stick with every single item religiously.

He said he would do this and he was really sorry he had failed to do it before

3. He let go of the city apartment and be full-time with me in the country place.

To explain this, basically, this past month since he started working again, he took a crash pad in the city. He's been staying there Monday to Thursday so save the commute. I can stay with him on any nights I want too. In six months when I finish my studied, I can move to the city with him permanently, so this was a plan we decided on. I agreed to this at first, it seemed practical with him so sick, and actually having a couple of nights a week in the city seemed like a fun idea for us to "date" and go to fun places - but I have found it to be very problematic because:

a) As he is so sick, when he is not here physically for hugs and practical things daily, I find it very hard to maintain intimacy and connection
b) I need him around for little triggers /comforts as and when I need them and when he is not around, they spiral out of control and I get frantic
c) As he spent so much time intensively (24 hours a day) with AP it's very important to me he shows he wants the same with me, his darn WIFE, even if he has to commute to do it, or change to WHF - WHATEVER.
d) I find bonding / security is created for me by sleeping together every night and so on and bonding is what I need really badly right now, and it's something he does not need to be "well" to offer me
e) We were long distance which led to this affair in the workplace, and I now want being with me, EVERY SINGLE DAY to be the most important thing in the world to him

He said he could not do this, that he was too sick and could barely drag himself to work as it is, and adding a two hour commute would kill him and he would just be tired and angry and not able to support me anyway. He said "what's the point of me coming in exhausted at 8pm? I am with you Thursday to Monday and I come in between any time you say you need me or want me around. I have never once not come if you said you wanted me and I ask every day if you need me to be there" He didn't even seem to see the general principle that married people live in the same house 24 /7 and that it was impossible for me to live otherwise.

He said he did want to live with me full time, but just not HERE and it really re-wounded me when he said that. I appreciate commuting sucks, but a big part of me needed the message that being with me every single day was his priority. So basically he was happy to more or less live with AP 24/7 because he didn't have to commute to do it.

I was just DONE after that conversation.

I just calmly explained that I was sorry he felt so bad, that I loved him and did not want him to suffer, but that it wasn't my fault and if he was not completely committed to doing whatever I needed right now, I was better off alone.

He said he accepted it but he wanted me to know that I was the love of his life, and he was so sorry he had let me down so much. He said he was sorry he has not loved me the way I deserved to be loved but he wanted me to know that I was always the most important thing in his life and he is sorry his long litany of mistakes ever made it appear I wasn't. He told me I was a great wife, and that I'd never let him down or harmed him, and that he was grateful for ever having met me. He said he was sorry if it felt like he'd turned his back during R, that he was just struggling and if he was fine and healthy he would have done all these things for me. He said it was hard to do these things when he was crying all day. He said he was sorry last weekend he said such horrible things and that he wanted me to know he didn't mean them, and he knew this was all his fault and that it was his responsibility to fix his mess. He said he loved me, and he was so sorry he ever caused me any pain and taken my smile away from my face.

I cried a lot, then just felt a shift in me where I realised, right now at least, I am better off without him because he can't / won't give me what I need to even feel stable enough to begin genuine R.

I think I am ready now to move to the divorce / separation section, so this is a hard time for me. I really did / do love my H. I'm sad for us that he wasn't able to do what he needed to.

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8700496
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

It takes a lot of strength to allow yourself to see your WS with such clarity. Good for you, looking out for yourself and for what you need.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4789   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8700498
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 4:44 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

I am so sorry it has come to this GraceLoves. Please know you are heard. Actions speak louder than words.

He said he was sorry if it felt like he'd turned his back during R, that he was just struggling and if he was fine and healthy he would have done all these things for me. He said it was hard to do these things when he was crying all day.

This tells you all you need to know. He's crying all day? Who caused that? What are you supposed to do with that - feel sorry for him? He would do it but...

It just burns me to see a WS cause so much more pain to their BS. You will get through this. Kudos for doing what you need for you. (((Hugs)))

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2733   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8700499
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 7:11 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

I think I am ready now to move to the divorce / separation section, so this is a hard time for me. I really did / do love my H. I'm sad for us that he wasn't able to do what he needed to.

It’s the best thing for both of you. Hit the reset button on life.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2804   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8700509
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 7:46 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

then just felt a shift in me where I realised, right now at least, I am better off without him because he can't / won't give me what I need to even feel stable enough to begin genuine R.

I know that feeling. It ain't easy. You will falter on it at times, and that's OK.

A lot of your story/feelings/dealings with your WS are strikingly similar to my own. I'm so glad that ISSF has posted here - she was VERY helpful to me when I first arrived at SI. I remember her describing the ways in which emotional detachment could open doors to MY healing... and I remember not being able to "get it"... until I did (about 18 months from dday, when I decided on a 6-month S from WH). Things for me just started to shift into place, like locks in a tumbler.

If you are able, find things to do EVERY day that bring you pure joy. There were times the best I could do was watch a youtube video of a baby laughing. It may have only been for a few moments, but finding joy really does help re-wire our brains (come to think of it, that's something I may find beneficial to go back to doing! ).

And ISSF is right about learning to live in uncertainty and discomfort. Those are lessons that will last and help until the day you die. For me, that meant NOT worrying all the time about my indecisiveness about D, given my WH's lack of progress (pretty much along the exact same lines of which you post - IOW, things I wanted/asked for were quickly met with all the reasons why he couldn't do it, all of which were about HIS comfort and not mine).

I suspect you may feel really crappy right now, and I'm so sorry if that's the case. AND, I have to admit that a part of me is actually excited and hopeful for you. Not about your M - we have NO idea what may happen there. But for YOU and the doors that can be opened by the work we do when healing from the devastating actions of our WS. Again, work that cannot be taken away by anyone or any thing. Sometimes it feels like magic to me.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3621   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8700513
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 GraceLoves (original poster member #78769) posted at 9:11 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

Thank you. Feeling crappy is an understatement. I guess it'll get better, things always do

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8700523
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 2:31 AM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

He sounds empathy deficient, one of the hallmarks of the personality disordered. I would run.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8700615
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 GraceLoves (original poster member #78769) posted at 4:04 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

He's autistic!

My empathy level out of 100 is 87 and his is 16

Probably not the best!

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8701636
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 4:48 PM on Monday, November 29th, 2021

I don't know the full backstory here, but all his 'poor-me-I'm-so-sick' stuff is just.... sorry but it's ridiculous. To me that just reads as emotional manipulation. I might be projecting - when I decided on separation, my xwh went into a rant about how I was being so inconsiderate of him because I 'just didn't understand how hard it was' for him having to move out. And where was he supposed to go? And it wasn't fair that he had to lose everything. And you know, it's true. He had nowhere to go because he had no friends but me. He had nothing because the house and all the money were made by me. He was completely incapable of adulting because I had done ALL of that for our 9 years together. And he did lose everything because he had nothing and contributed nothing of note to our relationship. But end of the day, separation and divorce were always a possible outcome to the behaviors he chose to engage in - and at some point in there, he did a risk/reward analysis and decided that he wanted his ap and his 'fun' more that he cared about losing his wife and his home. That's a HIM problem, not a me one.

Your wh did that analysis too at some point. And like mine, yours decided that what he wanted mattered more than what he stood to lose and the hurt he caused. Keep that thought front and center, especially when he's tugging on your heartstrings with his me-so-sad rhetoric. He is in a situation right now that he CHOSE to be in.

Sending hugs Grace. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3306   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8701638
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 GraceLoves (original poster member #78769) posted at 12:08 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Thank you everybody.

Me backing off seems to have had an effect.

WS has had a change of tune. No more whining about how sick he is. He instead went to see the doctor about it and has begun IC. Along with that he is taking some of the practical steps I had asked for him to implement. I am seeing action, important action and a big change in attitude where he seems to have realised he has to get his act together on his own and wants to do it for himself rather than to win me back.

I am still separated and in extremely limited contact just by text message, but he seems to at least be acknowledging he needs to do work for his own benefit. Let's see how he progresses with this over time.

I have not shut the door on a possible turnaround, but I am also mindful that he has made many promises and failed to keep them, so I am in a space of believing there are steps forward once I see actually implemented and having an effect longer term.

Reading the forums here has been so helpful. @Daddydom on "getting it, living it" and "true why's" is something I have read dozens of times, and I can see what it would take for my WS to become someone I admire again. Because I once did truly admire him and don't much right now.

Meanwhile, I am feeling better. My IC is not really that helpful to be honest, so I might quit that, but I have been engaging in a lot of self care - hot baths, time with my son, seeing friends, buying new clothes and just trying to be myself again.

I also started a mentoring program with one of those infidelity experts online, which I have actually found much more helpful than the IC. Did anyone else do this? I am not sure why I find this helpful. I think it's just getting the empathy and wisdom I crave from WS and never got.

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8701769
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:10 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

You seem to speak with great clarity here while still holding firm boundaries. That is a delicate dance and can't be easy. Good for you!

My favorite part of this is reading about your self care. Bravo.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8701817
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 GraceLoves (original poster member #78769) posted at 10:55 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Thanks Chaos. It's been a year and I am only starting to feel normal now. It's so weird how much this affected me. I notice I am very tired though and sleep a lot. I don't think this is depression, I think it's like a post-trauma-fatigue kind of thing?

I actually have started to feel calm and happy about small things (like a sunny day)

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8701877
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LongSigh ( member #61954) posted at 7:20 AM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

If I knew then what I know now….

This is exactly how my husband sounded, and acted, during a false reconciliation. He was still lying, hiding, and in the midst of relishing a new opportunity to let his weak, spoiled, immature colors fly.

posts: 242   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2017   ·   location: In the desert
id 8704449
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:29 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

How are you GL? Haven't seen an update lately.

How are you handling the holidays?

posts: 314   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8704493
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Dbug ( new member #79446) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

I don't have a lot to add other than to say, I'm so sorry for all the pain you've had to endure. Wishing you strength! ((Hugs))

posts: 12   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2021
id 8704785
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 GraceLoves (original poster member #78769) posted at 2:35 AM on Sunday, December 19th, 2021

Hey all. Sorry I've not updated. I've been really busy with life stuff.

WH had a huge turnaround and is working hard to try and reconcile.

I've been focusing on me and feeling a lot better.

I haven't had much to say. Maybe feeling a bit of that "plane of lethal flatness"???

Most of the time I feel okay, detached. The holidays feels nice. Family. Calmness.

How is everyone doing?

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8704993
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 9:50 AM on Monday, December 20th, 2021

Great to hear GraceLoves. Be sure you are still working on you and showing him how important you are so you don't get dragged into his shame and all the entitlement it brings. I'm hoping for you that you get what you need.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2733   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8705117
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, December 20th, 2021

GraceLoves,

Just wishing you happy holidays.

You are on a similar timeline to me one year ago. It can improve but as you see, only if you are prepared for losing the M.

I hope your H takes the steps you need to feel safe and loved.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:04 PM, Monday, December 20th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1671   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8705171
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