I am sorry I am spam posting lately, but my reconciliation has fallen apart completely and I am really bamboozled and shaken. I saw a side of my WH I didn't think existed. Even with the affair, I thought I knew him and that there were things he wasn't capable of - like talking to me the way he did today.
We had a huge argument over the weekend. It was the 1st anniversary of DDay 1 so I was reallytriggered and instead of making it as easy as he could, there was a big argument over AP and Facebook. The gist was:
- I wanted him to block AP on Facebook (he had unfriended but still not blocked and she was tagging mutual friends into posts so he could still see her) and untag himself from all the photos she took of him and posted during the affair (which a year after Dday were still literally there on my own fucking husband's page).
- He refused to do it because he said it might cause AP to act in revenge (she is crazy) and he said he hadn't had contact with her for months and why was I asking him to do something he felt was dangerous and invalidating his "legitimate concerns"
It turned into a huge argument and I threatened him with divorce after which he deleted Facebook entirely which he felt was the only acceptable alternative to facing APs potential ire.
He was definitely the one in the wrong, because blocking her finally was a complete no-brainer, but because it launched off me being awake all night crying and telling him how much what he did traumatised me, he came away from it basically thinking that I was "making" him feel "worthless" and guilty for things he did months ago that he can't change.
When obviously what I was asking him to do was change it!!!!
I told him he makes himself feel all those things by not doing what he needs to do to make amends for the crappy things he has done and if he wanted to feel proud of himself he had to change his actions. The lack of accountability is staggering. In his "poor me" mind right now: me not letting him rugsweep = me making him feel like a bad person, or making him feel worthless.
So since that argument, all week he's barely said two words to me, which has never happened before in all the years we have been together, so I told him I was getting pissed off at being ignored. I told him a few times and he just kept on ignoring. I tried to instigate conversation a lot of times and got one word answers. I pressed him tonight and said I was mad and hurt too, but if he kept pushing me away he was going to make a bad situation really, really bad because I was at tipping point.
He said he was very hurt and couldn't cope with me saying more things to hurt him, so it was better not to talk beyond discussing plans for my birthday weekend (this weekend). I said "so you expect to stonewall me all week for the crime of being upset about your affair and asking you to block your mistress, then go out for a fun birthday?"
He said he wasn't doing anything, he was taking care if his wellbeing. I said "and who's taking care of mine?"
I explained what stonewalling was and screenshotted him message to me after Dday where he said "I feel like it's dangerous for us to stop communicating. That's red alert. We would each scuttle off to our bunkers and come up with narratives that were not true. Please don't stop talking to me".
The hypocrisy that I didn't give him the silent treatment when he had a fucking affair, but now I am getting it for BRINGING UP THE AFFAIR or asking him to block the person he cheated with is blowing my tiny mind.
Then he starts saying out of nowhere, "I am not a worthless human, I am not going to be made to feel like one for mistakes I made".
WTF?! I have literally been the most loving and forgiving person and I swear since I met him have done nothing but try and teach him self-worth (he had none when we met and even less now because he cheated) and I feel so hurt that he is accusing me of making him feel worthless for the crime of actually having feelings for actions he committed to me or needs that he created for me.
He even said to me "I used to admire you because you were such a happy person and I wanted to be around that". Cough! As opposed to me being less fun now since you destroyed my fucking life so you could get laid?! Is AP more fun?!!!
I know this is abuse!
I have never done a single thing to harm him since we met. And this is why this hurts so much. He had an AFFAIR. With multiple DDays. And he wants to tell me that I make HIM feel worthless? How the fuck does he think I feel?
I have asked him for a divorce now and this time I think I really meant it
I don't even feel sad right now, just resigned. This past year, I have watched a man I once thought the world of sink over and over again to depths I didn't think was possible. I have watched him mistreat me dozens of times, and watched him make a mockery of our reconciliation. I feel almost like the man I loved is gone anyway, so what's the point of staying with this new, horrible person? I was listening to him talk, and I thought, "I just don't know this person anymore". It was the loneliest feeling.
I used to love a person who was the kindest and most honest person I knew. I loved him so much. He was humble and gentle and clever and he treated me like I was precious and what we had was so good. He destroyed it, and when given the chance to fix it, all he wanted to do was protect himself.
His affair and his insane AP gave him a bonafide nervous breakdown. And now the version of him I live with can't cope with life. He's no longer fit or healthy. He is angry all the time. He is hopeless and can't feel joy or excitement or anything good. She did that to him, but I am here picking up their pieces. Living with a depressed person is hard anyway, but when the thing that depressed them was betraying you, then I think there's probably no greater love than the love it takes to do that.
I am so sad for him that he pissed that away.
I took care of him when he was at his lowest. I told myself he had made mistakes because he was abused as a kid but he really loved me and I loved him and we would be okay. Then he blew every chance I gave him. He turned into the "what not to do" version of this.
I think the mistake I made, was thinking he was better than he really is. He's a good person inside, a person I love deeply and wanted to share a life with, but he's too cowardly to face what he's done.
He had an affair because he has a weak ego, low-self esteem and the ability to only look out for himself because he learned as a kid to do that. He takes what makes him feel good in the moment. For a time, that was me. Then when 5000 miles separated us for a year, he took what was there.
Right now, I think he'd probably prefer to be shacked up with AP telling him how great he was, rather than living the consequences. For about ten minutes while the validation made him feel good-enough so he didn't have to sit with painful feelings. Then she'd be right back to hitting herself in the face and he'd fall even darker into his hole wishing he had never destroyed beautiful, kind Grace, who he always said he didn't deserve.
I betrayed myself this past year by tolerating behavior that wasn't acceptable, and he got comfortable disrespecting me and not keeping agreements. I should have left a long time ago
I was afraid he'd kill himself for a while. I was afraid she'd kill him. I was afraid if I left him he would end up with AP and she was bonafide dangerous and I was afraid for him because if he had it would have definitely ruined his life for good. I was afraid he would get too sick to work. The reasons I stayed were mostly for him.
For me, there was the hope that he's rise from the ashes of his mistake and fix himself, because he loved me enough to know he owed it to us both to make sure he became a better, stronger, healthier person who chose to become a man who deserved me.
I loved him, no matter what he did I didn't want to see him hurt. Even if he brought it on himself, I think I knew losing me would permanently destroy him. I think he's a person who sets out to destroy himself, because he hates himself. And cheating on me made him hate himself the worst.
It's my birthday this weekend.
My last birthday was spent with AP calling me over 50 times, messaging, harassing me while I vomited and shook. I remember so clearly the feeling I had was pure terror. Terror for whatever cruel, vile thing her next crazy message was going to say. Terror that if anyone hurt me any more, I would die from the pain.
I am so sad he let me down so much.