Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
Lack of Couples as Members in R

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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 1:57 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

It always gets me jacked up, so I grabbed the 80 pounder for my last set!

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8699447
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 WalkinOnEggshelz (original poster administrator #29447) posted at 2:24 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Once again, I want to thank everyone for their input. I appreciate the discussion.

I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer here. Much like anything in life we need to understand the shades of gray between black and white before giving definitive answers.

I can only speak from my own experiences. When I first arrived at SI, I was a hot mess. I was still lying, trying to protect myself, I had a hard time demonstrating remorse without guidance, I was firmly stuck in shame. I didn’t have a whole lot in redeeming qualities, other than 2 beautiful kids that didn’t deserve the turmoil and the very good fortune of a husband that despite it all could see something in me that I couldn’t. By today’s standards, my husband would have been told to run for the hills and never look back.

I am grateful for all of the waywards that were members during that time. I was able to get guidance and 2x4’s when needed by people that had walked a similar path. They saw through my bullshit and set me straight when needed. There were role models of the type of person I knew I wanted to become. People that were much farther along and could help guide me. I am grateful to those people that took the time to help me.

I know that my story seems rare right now, but at the time we were like so many that were trying to do the same. We have actually made friends with several couples from that time. We were fortunate to have the opportunity to meet people IRL through get togethers and speak face to face with members.

I worry that newcomers (especially WS) won’t have the same opportunity for guidance that I had. Where are those role models for new waywards coming in?

I love the point that was made that by helping a WS, essentially you could be helping a BS.

I know I am probably not going to change anyone’s mind completely, but if I have made you take pause on the knee jerk advice of not offering up this site to the wayward spouse then I feel I have been somewhat successful because sometimes it is appropriate and helpful.

As an aside, the stop sign is the default when a wayward posts. You must actually take an additional step to remove it prior to submitting your thread. I have never been a big fan of mandating stop signs. I personally feel it limits some great advice, although there are times when it is appropriate. That decision should be left up to the wayward.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14481   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8699452
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:58 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Oh, WOEz ... I was grateful to the WSes who posted, too, because they demonstrated differences between WSes who were likely to R and WSes who weren't. I was especially grateful to WSes who came to the G and R forums, because I didn't venture into WS much. When BSes and WSes both posted, I could get a better sense of being on or off track for R. But some years ago, G & R became unfriendly to WSes. I wish I had a solution.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8699458
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:02 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

There is a fWW here that has a story very similar to my W, including childhood. Her advice and answers really pushed me out of some funks.

I didn’t believe anything my WW said so I would run answers by her and not only started to believe my W but started understanding the thought process that my W couldn’t articulate at the time.

With that said I didn’t want worlds colliding here so I didn’t push for my W to come here.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8699464
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:02 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by Tanner at 12:02 PM, November 20th (Saturday)]

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8699465
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 7:36 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

There is a fWW here that has a story very similar to my W, including childhood. Her advice and answers really pushed me out of some funks.

I didn’t believe anything my WW said so I would run answers by her and not only started to believe my W but started understanding the thought process that my W couldn’t articulate at the time.

With that said I didn’t want worlds colliding here so I didn’t push for my W to come here.

Same, except more than one FWW for me.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8699472
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 9:09 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

I had a FWH who was really helpful to me as well! I appreciate all former waywards who have stuck around to not only help new WS, but also us betrayeds. Y’all are some rare gems. :)

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8699477
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

I love the point that was made that by helping a WS, essentially you could be helping a BS.

This is who I am always thinking of when I talk to a new WS.

As an aside, the stop sign is the default when a wayward posts. You must actually take an additional step to remove it prior to submitting your thread. I have never been a big fan of mandating stop signs. I personally feel it limits some great advice, although there are times when it is appropriate. That decision should be left up to the wayward.

Thanks for letting me know WOES. I absolutely agree that it should be up to the WS.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 651   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8699653
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