Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
My Birthday

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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 4:20 AM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Today I turned 33 years old. My grandma has this belief that 3s are lucky numbers, and that it is somehow supposed to symbolize some incredible year is in store for me. Even though I don’t believe the same as her, I sure hope she’s right.

My birthday is a triggery day when it comes to R. I don’t think it would be near as bothersome if I had chosen the D route. It’s a trade-off I don’t have to love, but I suppose it’s one I have to accept.

I can’t even really put my finger on why it triggers me so much. My husband spent 7 months disrespecting me, betraying me, and lying to me. Does it really matter he did those things on my birthday 5 years ago? Rationally no. However, seeing the same man try to make me feel special on a day he once shit all over me, well, it is hard to reconcile. It’s hard to trust. It mostly makes me want to tell him to not even bother.

In spite of one of the most hurtful days for me regarding my husband’s affair, I still had a pretty good day. I spent time with the people I love the most, ate way too much yummy food, and won a few hands of poker. I’m proud of my resilience, even when I would have preferred to lock myself in my room. I celebrated ME today. Perhaps one day it won’t feel like such a GD chore to let my husband acknowledge my birthday. For now, it was enjoyed in spite of him. And ya know what? That’s ok. That’s where I’m at. R is hard. Special occasions with triggers attached to them are hard. They are a part of this journey, and navigating them is a bitch.

That’s really all I had to say. Hope everyone is doing well.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8696874
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 4:50 AM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Happy birthday 🎁🎂 🌸

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8696879
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:47 AM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Good for you for finding joy!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8696899
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gldnxspirals ( new member #79359) posted at 12:56 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Welcome to 33! Glad that you still found a way to see that this day is about you and you deserve the love, by those that care about you and most importantly yourself.

I just turned 33 in August and 2 weeks later D-day happened. I decided 33 is the year I reclaim myself and experience my own recovery. Cheers to 33!

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Northeast
id 8696911
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:53 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

My BD is a trigger for me as well. So much of what you said resonates with me.

I would have preferred to lock myself in my room.

I feel this to my core.

However, seeing the same man try to make me feel special on a day he once shit all over me, well, it is hard to reconcile. It’s hard to trust. It mostly makes me want to tell him to not even bother.

I have legit told him - don't even. It just another day.

Perhaps one day it won’t feel like such a GD chore to let my husband acknowledge my birthday.

You aren't alone here.

I really thought I was the only one.

I celebrated ME today...For now, it was enjoyed in spite of him.

Bad ass statement right there. Way to take your power back.


ETA - Happy Birthday

[This message edited by Chaos at 1:53 PM, Friday, November 5th]

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3322   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8696919
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WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 3:37 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Happy birthday!

Good on you for celebrating you!

posts: 75   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8697009
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DailyGratitude ( new member #79494) posted at 3:39 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Happy Birthday!!
Wishing you a day filled with empowerment!

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8697014
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Happy Birthday!!!

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8697038
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 10:08 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

You aren't alone here.

I really thought I was the only one.

Nope! You definitely have some company when it comes to tainted birthdays. It may be some sad company, but you aren’t alone! 😂


Thanks for the birthday wishes!! Maybe those lucky 3s really will work out for me. lol

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8697111
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 11:15 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Happy Birthday Underserving!

Have a wonderful day! and lots of cake. :)

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8697136
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 5:16 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Last night my husband and I went to see a musician both of us really like at a restaurant/bar. It was about an hour and a half drive. I did not realize we would be driving right past the AP’s old apartment complex until maybe 15 minutes before. I did a check on how I was feeling, and I honestly didn’t feel much. I wouldn’t say "numb." It was more of a "meh."

Then I see the exit coming up. No anxiety. No anger. No sadness. What the hell? 😂 I look over at my husband who is clearly anxious and trying to keep the conversation flowing. Dude is not even taking a breath! I had to LAUGH. I could just imagine him weighing his options on what the "right" thing to do was. Acknowledge it? Distract from it? I guess he chose the latter, and he looked nervous as heck that was the wrong choice. So, I did, I laughed! Right as we were passing the apartment complex, I’m laughing. This made him even more nervous and made me laugh even harder. He asked if I was ok, and I told him yes, and we continued our conversation. I have no idea why I wasn’t bothered. Last time we drove by the apartment, I had my window rolled down, head out the window, and I was screaming "f you!!"

About 10 minutes later I said "dang I’m proud of myself!" He once again looked like he didn’t know how to respond. 😂 He apprehensively said "me too." I accepted it. We went on to have one of the best nights together that we have had in a very very long time. In spite of a HUGE trigger the day after a very triggery day for me, I somehow wasn’t triggered??? I can’t explain it. I wish I could, but I’ll take this W. I’m pretty tired of those Ls anyways.


Just thought I’d share how absolutely bananas this journey is sometimes. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8697245
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:55 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Happy birthday!

It's best to celebrate for at least a week. You know ... to give those who hear about it late an opportunity to give you good wishes.

Yup ... human beings are crazy. I'm very glad you had a good time.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8697259
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 9:47 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Thanks Sisoon!

I thought I would share a fear of mine as well. Last night was so wonderful. For the first time since d-day, my husband felt like a friend. Not in some platonic way, don’t get me wrong, but that basic level of friendship one should have with their spouse. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get that back. I had a great time, and didn’t feel like a betrayed wife out with her wayward husband. If that makes sense.

My fear is that I will have a rough day in the near future, and it will be all the harder because so much progress was made. I guess I’m afraid of that "2 steps forward 3 steps back," and how discouraging it might be. I know this isn’t a linear journey, but it’s pretty sad a really good day makes me even more fearful of a bad one. I’m sure there are others who can relate.

Any pearls of wisdom for how to deal with these weirdo anxious thoughts are more than welcome!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8697282
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 1:49 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

I have been having more positive days lately and have the same fear. Recently after several days feeling good I had a particularly awful day and couldn't manage to get out of bed. Sobbing for over an hour. But then then next day was ok (aside from the swollen eyes).

It's a process. Take the W for sure, you will find the balance will shift.

I love that you just laughed! And reconnecting the friendship is such a big deal, good for you. Hold on to that even if you have a negative day, a little ray of happy. :)

My birthday is in a few days. FWH is supposed to be planning a fun getaway. We will see how that goes. Your post is giving me hope.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,18, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8697314
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:39 AM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Congratulations on handling the triggers. Glad your H handled it well also, enjoy your W.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 873   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8697437
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:49 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

My fear is that I will have a rough day in the near future, and it will be all the harder because so much progress was made. I guess I’m afraid of that "2 steps forward 3 steps back," and how discouraging it might be. I know this isn’t a linear journey, but it’s pretty sad a really good day makes me even more fearful of a bad one. I’m sure there are others who can relate.

Any pearls of wisdom for how to deal with these weirdo anxious thoughts are more than welcome!

For me, I eventually understood the cycle of my brain — and my brain was simply trying to protect me.

Whenever I had a good moment, my mind starts to remind me to be wary to be on alert, since we’re trying to find a comfort zone of safety and trust with the person who hurt us.

I started to expect that I would have a tough moment after a good one.

If all goes well, you will start to build more of those good moments, offering evidence to your natural defense systems that your spouse can actually be who you require them to be — or far closer to it than they were before.

Weirdo anxious moments are healthy, at least they were for me.

After stacking up a lot more good days, the step back thing tends to fade over time.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8697537
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 5:33 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Thank you Oldwounds. Your words are always helpful.

Even at nearly 2 years out, it still sneaks up on me the pain of it all sometimes. Like my brain just randomly says "hey remember when he did this? It hurts doesn’t it? It makes you mad doesn’t it?" Yes, bitch (I’m talking to my brain), thanks for bringing it all back up!! It’s annoying still being gut punched every once in a while. Does that mean I still haven’t fully accepted what was done to me? or is that normal for the long haul?

I get lizard brain. I understand it’s trying to protect me. I mostly wish it would calm down! I have the insight now I didn’t before. I know the signs, the patterns, and all that goes into an A. I know I want R. Maybe I don’t fully trust myself quite yet, so it’s harder to not let the lizard brain go nuts.

I know, all of this takes TIME 😂

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 732   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8697546
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 5:54 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Lizard brain flares after betrayal is certainly a thing.

I take my lizard brain straight to my IC so she can help me process. It's a relief to be able to express that fear and pain. It always seems to diminish after I do. It's also beneficial to me to be able to have her examine and identify distortions that are present, dismiss them, or help me deal head-on with "worst case scenarios" and how I would deal with that. She helps me see the "worst case" isn't actually as catastrophic as the lizard suggests. I can handle anything in that regard. I already have, and I'm in a much better position to do so than I have been in the past. Affirmations help; things like that.

Happy Birthday! Enjoy those moments--they're as real as anything else.

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 11:56 AM, November 8th (Monday)]

BW 30-year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA
Recovering

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8697550
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:23 AM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

I get lizard brain. I understand it’s trying to protect me.

One of the most confusing phenomenon to understand, at least for me, was the difference between gut feeling and lizard brain and trauma ptsd reaction.

I remember reading here a lot and people saying stuff like "I trust my gut feeling now". And I was like… but my gut feeling tells me he’s still able to hurt me every day or even that he’s doing it right now".

It took me a long time to understand the difference in reactions, the visceral pain lizard brain reaction which put me in anxiety mode and the memory of a calm gut feeling that something is wrong (pre dday) which led me to discover the affair.

I don’t know about you but for a long time I didn’t want to silence the lizard brain reaction fearing I am silencing my gut feeling. So I allowed it to rule me for a long time.

I now have coping mechanisms to first asses what I’m dealing with (gut feeling or lizard brain) and treat them accordingly.

Well done for your progress, at 2 years out I was still a mess trying to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel and being unable to do so…

And last but not least: Happy Birthday!

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1412   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8697667
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Another side of this, IMO, is that you have to be in pretty good emotional shape to process the pain of being betrayed. IOW, bad days can follow good ones because the good days enable us to process more pain.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8697717
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