Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 5:55 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Told my wife tonight I wanted a divorce. I have the lawyer meeting set for tomorrow. She begged me all night to please reconsider, she’d do anything.

Today I wasn’t planning on doing this. But after looking at my bank account, I saw she bought a "number tracer". She got into our phone records and tried finding out who I was calling. For me, that was the last straw. She didn’t use the time to read or make my life better. I called my lawyer and booked the appointment.

She eventually left to her dads with the new born. I have our 8 year old. She’s refusing to go to the lawyer now. So I know the D will not go my way.

Here are some of the texts she’s sent since:
" "I know what I did I just thought you’d actually give this a chance. But how fucking stupid am I. You told EVERYONE. You knew this was going to happen."

"You are rushing this divorce. And I’m not okay with it like AT ALL! I know what I did and you made me think we could make this work."

"I seriously knew this was coming. Which is why I’ve been so on edge bc I’ve been waiting for this. I knew you weren’t going to stay. But you really made me think our family could come out of this."

"I have been trying! My god. I have tried to do everything so perfect. I’m hormonal and I haven’t felt your love in months… I just had a baby. Literally just had a baby. I’m stilll trying to feel "normal" again and going through a lot Hormonally. Your mind is made up. It’s been made up. I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow"

"you strung me along thinking we would make this work. Now we are divorcing in a rush before the holidays!!?"


It makes me sick. So I’m going tomorrow alone, I guess to file. What a fucking shit show my life is

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8699008
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medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 6:11 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

She was cheating on you during and after she had your second child!!

What was she thinking the eventual outcome was going to be? Unicorns farting rainbows whilst angels sang her praises! Delusion doesnt even come close to describing your STBXW.

You know yourself that it's never been about the "she'd do anything", it's always been about the "she did something". This is something that she herself seems to keep missing.

R was always going to be an immense uphill battle, one that could of been done is she was in anyway remorseful, repentant or willing to do the work. Instead she defaulted to the thing she has always defaulted to.

ME, ME, ME, ME.

Good luck with the ripping off of the bandaid and keep working on that amicable part. It's about all you have left to retrieve from this clusterfuck of a marriage and much like R, that will be an even harder battle.

In a way it's a pity that the child is yours and not her AP's. At least that would of cut the time that she has to remain in your life down from 18 years to 10.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8699010
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 6:39 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

My goodness her level of manipulation is revolting. I can't even begin to write about how sickening it is to read she uses her postnatal state as a crutch when she didn't give her prenatal condition a second thought when fucking around. It's next level evil. Your wayward can not see past her nose.

Like your WW my STBXWH is a master manipulator and divorcing one has it's own unique fallout of shit. I can only suggest you look up how to grey rock and implement it now you've chosen to D, yes you have kids together but she is guilt baiting you and you need to detach for your own sanity, grey rock will allow you to cut her short when you must communicate and then maintain a safe detachment so her bullshit doesn't stick to you when she throws out those 'woe-is-me'. 180 is great in early days but once I headed to the courts it never worked for me and the guilt trips (like these texts from your WW), threats of suicide, hysterical pleading/bargaining and hoovering did not stop until I grey rocked. I wish I could offer you the answer to make the impact of her words hurt less but I can't however the grey rock does allow you to start detaching quicker than without it and honestly detaching is your best self preservation mode right now.

She sounds like she is hitting a new level of desperation so be cautious. Cornered desperate people say and do some unbelievable hurtful shit. Save all texts/emails, do not communicate with her over the phone (at all, even if it's a relative or friend close to her), keep a VAR if she talks to you in person but ask her to put it all in writing. Something to ask your lawyer if they provide mediation services, my lawyer is allowing correspondence to go through them as a mediation "filter" which is a part of their service, I don't have to pay extra, ask yours if they offer such a service too and if so block her outright, if not just back your ass as much as possible.

(((Ark)))

Many apologies for the swearing, what I read just now... I'm outraged for you

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8699012
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:24 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Your WW is predictably outrageous and beyond disgusting. Life will not be easy for quite some time but you would be the ultimate fool to stay with such a damaged individual. Just keep reminding her that she had no regard for you and didn't give a damn who the biological father of your baby would turn out to be. She was practically celebrating with the AP that the child might be his. She is simply grotesque. You must stay strong and power through this shit show as best you can. She is a monster and I would tell her to her face that you will not remain married to such a monster.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:32 AM, Thursday, November 18th]

posts: 458   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8699014
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 8:37 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Well, I think her reaction is natural. She is realizing her consequences, asking you to stay etc. And she is showing mixed emotions... all of that is expected. I don't think that makes her manipulative.... she just got hit hard with something she's been fearing. And postpartum emotional swings can be very real. Hopefully she will stabilize in time and the D will not be contested on every single issue. But be prepared either way.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8699018
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 10:51 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Sorry, Ark. This stuff is soul crushing.

This part is even worse....or better....depending how you look at it: You are early on in this discovery. What by now probably seems like an eternity, has only been a very short timeframe. At this point in time, many members here didn't even have the full story. Waywards, and their screwed-up mindset, put themselves in cover-your-ass mode for as long as they can. I am not the least surprised that your WW is still acting like you describe. It sounds like I am minimizing, but unfortunately, it is par for the course.

" "I know what I did I just thought you’d actually give this a chance. But how fucking stupid am I. You told EVERYONE. You knew this was going to happen."

"You are rushing this divorce. And I’m not okay with it like AT ALL! I know what I did and you made me think we could make this work."

"I seriously knew this was coming. Which is why I’ve been so on edge bc I’ve been waiting for this. I knew you weren’t going to stay. But you really made me think our family could come out of this."

"I have been trying! My god. I have tried to do everything so perfect. I’m hormonal and I haven’t felt your love in months… I just had a baby. Literally just had a baby. I’m stilll trying to feel "normal" again and going through a lot Hormonally. Your mind is made up. It’s been made up. I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow"

"you strung me along thinking we would make this work. Now we are divorcing in a rush before the holidays!!?"

Not a lot of mention about what you are going through. Not a lot of mention about your pain. As a matter of fact, there is ZERO MENTION of this....unless "I know what I did" is her deep description of the betrayal on you and your children. I do not know if she has always been incredibly self-centered(you did mention earlier that she seems immature for her age), but the woman who you are currently married to is a terrible candidate to attempt reconciliation. Maybe this person will be better suited some day in the future, but right now, she is very toxic. And angry. And resentful.

And remorseless.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3855   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8699023
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:20 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Ark - what happened at IC?

posts: 176   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8699025
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SquirrelFace ( member #52946) posted at 3:40 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

"I seriously knew this was coming. Which is why I’ve been so on edge bc I’ve been waiting for this. I knew you weren’t going to stay. But you really made me think our family could come out of this."

Your wife was never going to stay. Not long term. She didn't have a year long affair and never think about leaving you once. That's a given. This was discussed with the OM too. The baby complicated things and would have caused her to cool down the affair, but a couple years or five years max from now she would have left you. And she would have been absolutely heartless in doing it.

Or conversely, two years from now you'd be absolutely disgusted and done with her, because she is so damn clueless.

This was inevitable.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 8699060
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 4:20 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Good Luck today. Be sure to be forthcoming with the attorney, and make sure he understands you want to be a very involved parent, and that you probably need to establish a parenting plan today prior to the D be completed.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19030   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8699070
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 4:26 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Typically the attorney would not meet with both of you anyway, so no loss there.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8699074
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

I'm sorry it came to this, and that your WW wasn't willing to do ANY work on herself or showing you she cared about YOU.

I have to agree with the others who have posted, that your STBXWW has shown you again that she is a very selfish person and her only concern is with what SHE wants.

you strung me along thinking we would make this work.

This is the most telling statement to me. No mention of how she strung YOU along during the A. No concern for how YOU have been feeling since you found out.

All of her concern is for herself. How she feels and how this impact her. She is also trying to change the narrative so that YOU are at fault for the D. You will be hearing that pretty soon, since you never gave her a chance (in her mind).

I think you are making the right decision. Stay strong

posts: 1558   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8699075
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Get a VAR,NOW, and keep it on you ALL THE TIME. Even when you aren't speaking to her.

She's going to make you the bad guy. She's going to say you were abusive. You will be a target of a DV charge. Protect yourself.

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8699078
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 5:12 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Well, I am not sure how anyone Could describe your wife's behavior and communications to you as anything but manipulative (and abusive), but let me assure you that she is manipulative and abusive.

Also, she appears to be quite loco.

You need to think well past your own pain (but not ignore it) and think real hard about the children. Your wife's level of selfishness and risky behavior is DANGEROUS.

At this point, you should be building a case for as much custody as you can obtain because A) you are the safe parent, and B) she will very likely use both of your children against you.

***

I too would like to know how the therapy session went and what she said, and for that matter what you and the therapist said!

But outside of that, it is time to completely ignore her words and start taking actions to protect your children and yourself.

Good luck my friend.

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8699083
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 8:08 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

She ended up coming to the meeting with my attorney.

He took copies of all our w2s, and other info. He did suggest trying to hold off on D until filing for taxes (bigger break). But if not, that’s fine too. She was willing to do what I wanted.

At this point we are staying separated. And might try file D for right when the test ends for tax purposes. But she knows where I stand. I’ll file with or without her If she gives me shit.

IC was ok. The therapist told her she had some red flags. But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

So with all of that, the writing is on the wall. I’m heart broken. Especially for my daughter (8 yo). She told my sister yesterday that daddy is just sad. Mommy and daddy are taking time apart, but they are married and love each other so much, they wouldn’t ever get a divorce and break up our family…

Killed me to hear that

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8699114
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:42 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Listen to HellFire above and to what we've been telling you now for weeks. Your wife is going to make you out to be the bad guy. Reread her text to you. She is going to set you up as the bad husband who has abandoned her after she just gave birth to your child. Get ready for it, b/c its coming.

Agree with the VAR and share the information you have with your attorney. Things are going to get worst for you during the D, but you don't want them to get terrible. So keep your distance from her, demand a parenting plan get set up immediately and demand 50/50.

Her searching for and buying the number tracer tells you that she was on the lookout for what you're up to. My exWW did the same thing, she dug into our phone records and found out I was talking to my attorney buddy. Your WW is not worth fighting for, she was looking out for 1 person and 1 person only, herself. She doesnt give a fuck about you or the kids.

Protect yourself and the kids going forward from her, she is not likely to go down without a major fight.

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8699119
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Her searching for a number tracer to track you is evidence that she absolutely is going to look for or find ways to manipulate you or make you out as the bad guy or aggressor here. Please be careful. Use a VAR at all times and don't listen to anything she says because she is a very skilled liar.

As for what your daughter said, your wife broke up the family. Not you. You are protecting yourself and your kids from your wife's abhorrent behavior. And when your daughter is old enough, she will understand your decision and appreciate what you do to protect her.

posts: 145   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8699120
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:06 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Please please please get your daughter into therapy NOW!!!!
Be as honest as appropriate as you can be with her, so if you plan to D, do NOT tell her you are not. Make sure she understands this.
DO NOT be alone with your wife if at all possible, and if you are, you best have a VAR on yourself.

I have been around here a very long time. I have seen women who will "do whatever it takes" to save face, and not come out of this the bad guy, and while you may be thinking to yourself, "she would never do that". Remember this is the woman that got pregnant and continued to have a boyfriend and a spouse the entire time, these are not actions of a predictable woman who is sane and will do sane things.

PROTECT yourself and your girls. PROTECT their futures. Do not underestimate how quickly this can go off the rails.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19030   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8699122
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 9:34 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

It is truly heartbreaking to hear your daughter's belief that all will be better between you and your WW in the future and the family will be whole again. My son was three when my marriage ended. He was too young to understand what was happening. At least that is what I believe. Things he has said recently make me think otherwise.

You are in a terrible bind. Your alternatives truly suck. But I simply don't know how you can reconcile without mortgaging your soul and future happiness by staying with your WW. This was a ghastly betrayal.

Be careful of the IC. She may try and rug sweep the affair and pin some of the blame on you. I hope the IC from this point forward deals only with your WW and her destructive issues. Her job should be to help your wife rectify her horrible behavior and guide her emotionally through the divorce process. She should hopefully make her a willing, cooperative co-parent. If she enables your WW in any way, that will make disengagement and parenting more difficult. Good luck to you and stay strong for you and your daughters.

posts: 458   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8699124
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 9:44 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Ark,

It is standard practice in contested divorce cases to require a person to disclose all social media and Internet forum participation, including screen names and passwords, so everything you write here, you should assume could be obtained by her attorney and read back to a judge who holds your children’s custody in his or her hands.

Word to the wise.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 9:44 PM, Thursday, November 18th]

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8699125
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

As much as I HATE the thought of breaking apart or family

Please remember that YOU are not breaking up your family. Your cheating narcissistic self-absorbed wife did.

Those last few messages were a joke. She's STILL making it all about her. I'm so sorry, you deserve so much better.

When I went through the D the court required that my kids attending a class with other kids going through the same thing. They said it helped them to understand that both parents could still provide them with all the love they need even if they are no longer together. Please get your daughter into some counseling, I think it will benefit you both.

posts: 197   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8699131
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