Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

At this point we are staying separated. And might try file D for right when the test ends for tax purposes. But she knows where I stand. I’ll file with or without her If she gives me shit.

FWIW, I don't think you're making a bad decision. Your WW's texts to you were very childish. Her self-pity was inappropriate under the circumstances. I mean, I get being hormonal after a baby.. that's definitely a thing. But for her to vocalize expectations regarding sympathy from you, that seems to be a very clear way to tell that she's NOT engaged with how serious her transgressions against you were.

What I'm a little concerned about is that you appear to be trying to do some kind of self-mediated divorce whereby you both agree to terms and use the same lawyer to get it through the court system. And yeah, that can save you money, but your WW keeps proving to you over and over again that she lacks maturity. You've said you're having trouble bonding with the baby, but how do you know she won't use that against you later to limit your parenting time? If you have your eight year old half the time, but only see the baby rarely, you've set a precedent for not parenting the baby. And if you're both trying to use the same lawyer, the one you have is unlikely to be prepping you for what you need to have already established by the time your WW figures out you're serious, lawyers up, and comes at you for full custody, child, and spousal support. I think maybe you should consider interviewing another attorney, or if you really like this one, having a one on one consultation.

It's possible that your WW might turn it around and become a solid candidate for R. It's equally possible that even if she does, you will no longer care. All you can do though is deal with the person in front of you NOW, and for right now, I think you'd do well to be cautious and be prepared for her to become adversarial.

IC was ok. The therapist told her she had some red flags. But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

Please mind your therapists advice on that from here on out. Try to imagine anything that might leave your mouth being read back to you by the family court stenographer. Typically, judges don't care about who's right and who's wrong. Their orders are mostly formulaic, and your then pregnant WW was clearly guilty of adultery. But still, you never know who will be presiding or what their biases might be. Better to be safe than sorry.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:15 PM, Thursday, November 18th]

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8699132
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Have you researched Personality Disorders? Might not be anything but you need to do it. Sometimes when we have no idea why a person behaves the way they do is because they are the product of their childhoods. Personality Disorders are permanent, just like eye color.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3003   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8699145
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 1:03 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Hi Ark04l,

I just wanted to say that when reading your WW’s text messages, I see a whole lot of "Me’s and I’d". She really doesn’t get it. Oh, and the hormonal thing…..give me a break.

You made a comment about her looking up who you were calling. Excellent thing to pick up on. She spends time and effort doing this, but little to no effort on working on trying to fix the damage she has done.

I asked my WW if she felt she put in the effort to fix our mess. She said she thought she had. I asked her if our relationship was important to her. She said it was the MOST important thing.

I then asked her to compare how much effort she put into planning her BFF’s baby shower vs dealing with her multiple A’s, TT, gaslighting, etc. I could actually see the lightbulb go off over her head. She had spent 10x the effort and time on her BFF’s baby shower than on us. I get it. Planning a baby shower is way more fun than dealing with the A’s and resulting damage, but I spent a ton of time working on things and felt how little effort she put in was completely disrespectful to me.

posts: 727   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8699168
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:04 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

It broke my heart to read your poor daughters comment.

As you move forward I am reminded of old song from Camelot. As to your daughter, "love her, simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her, love her." And you will be ok and so will she.

Strength to you my friend. A year from now at age 31 you will have so many women flocking around you will have to beat them away with a stick. Your evil ex will be a semi painful memory, and she will fade slowly into the distance, sort of like a person that won’t go away, but after a while your armor will protect you.

Since she apparently has the IQ of a gnat, expect for now for all kinds of stupid and juvenile attempts to demonize you. That will eventually stop once she realizes you are not gonna bend.

One word of caution. Much as you hope she will live in a cave, grubbing about for roots and bugs, she will find some sucker in jig time and pretend she is sooooo happy. She will say, meet my best friend. See it for more stupid shit. She may find another guy, but every time she sits down she will still be sitting on her cheating highly used ass. Never forget that. Any guy she hooks up with will prolly have the standards of a mouth breathing 3x divorced total loser. I think a grain silo night watchman type, whose idea of a good time is going to a tractor pull. She can stay home and watch dancing with the stars.

Ok. I’m projecting a bit. But don’t be surprised at anything at this point. Live well, and watch her grind her teeth. She will secretly hate herself forever. And that will be your revenge, as you stock your closet with honest, decent, moral and loving babes, who hang on your every word. Ok. Still projecting. You get the idea.


Now for your new daughter, she is going to need all the help she can get. It’s gonna be hard for you, but you need to love her the way you would care for an abandoned kitten. This may be hard at first, but do it with all your might, heart and soul. You are all she is ever gonna have as a father, and since your wife is a moron you will have to work that much harder. But this will be so rewarding in the end.

And last, do you ever wonder how you ended up with a self absorbed near idiot as a spouse? Whatever personal traits she has must be avoided in future relationships. Do that, and you will never have to worry about another soulless succubus in your life.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:19 AM, Friday, November 19th]

posts: 1091   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8699180
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faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 4:23 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

IC was ok.

Nope.

The therapist told her she had some red flags.

She "has some red flags"? Yes. The same way Bill Gates "has some money".

But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

And here comes false equivalency!

I urge you not to feel bad for expressing your anger, even though it may not be "right", you are a human, not Jesus Christ.

The main reason for you to hold your tongue is because you don't want your words to be held against you in court.

Don't fall for the false equivalency. NOTHING YOU HAVE SAID has come to even a millionth of what she did to you.

But be smart and keep your cool to protect yourself and your kids.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:17 AM, Friday, November 19th]

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8699183
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:59 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

IC was ok. The therapist told her she had some red flags. But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

Beware. A lot of these people are morons. Next comes why did you make her cheat? rolleyes

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8699188
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:05 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

What was the discusssion/context for "stop calling her names"?

Did the therapist explain where the name calling is coming from? Including what her betrayal did to you. That she destroyed your marriage, your wife, as well as your trust in her (and it will take years for her to rebuild trust)?

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8699230
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:20 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

Good IC or not, this advice is sound. For several reasons, it will benefit you to use restraint in the verbal tirades. As a matter of fact, I would keep conversations to an absolute minimum with her. There is NO BENEFIT in engaging with her at this time.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3855   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8699232
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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

"I have been trying! My god. I have tried to do everything so perfect. I’m hormonal and I haven’t felt your love in months… I just had a baby. Literally just had a baby. I’m stilll trying to feel "normal" again and going through a lot Hormonally. Your mind is made up. It’s been made up. I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow"

Well.. That's certainly confusing. Exactly HOW is she claiming she "tried" anything? Yes, she just had a baby. A baby that you had good reason to believe was fathered by someone else. You had to have a DNA test to discover this, because of her actions. Another person was in your marriage for 11 months and they had sexual relations until just a few weeks before you discovered what was going on. How is this something she's tried to fix? I'd hate to see her line of reasoning about denying actively sabotaging your marriage-- I think my brain would explode from confusion.

Now, me, I'm always curious when I see an affair go on this long with one partner being a victim of betrayal in a really grievous, rub-your-nose in it kind of way, like, sad to say, you are. I'm sorry, I'm not being harsh, more like obvious-- some things are hard to forgive. In this situation, what does having a healthy marriage even mean to the offending partner any more? Do you ever talk about it? What is her definition of healthy marriage? Should a healthy marriage include 11 months of adultery from time to time, is that it? Now I do think almost anything short of murder might be forgiven, possibly.. but 11 months? That means for sure she was having sex with another man way before she was pregnant and "hormonal".. she did what she did because she chose to. She wasn't hormonal back then, he doesn't own a mystical penis that hypnotized her, it wasn't a mistake, a phase, or her working out being lonely. She didn't trip and fall on his boner repeatedly. It was a decision. A really terrible decision for the future of your marriage and family. She casually destroyed both of those by her actions, and now she just feels victimized by the whole thing. Like, how DARE you be annoyed that someone's been cheating on you for almost a YEAR! Just man up and "work things out"! I notice she says she loves you in that last sentence. Did her actions feel like love to you?

I can sense your frustration with this response. Did you even give much in the way of false hope?

You have this figured out already, so I won't harp on the obvious, but this isn't remotely her being sorry she hurt you and her family. This is her being sorry she was caught red handed and now the fun times are over. Note that her texts don't even acknowledge the pain and destruction her actions put you and your family through. You are definitely on the right track now.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:26 PM, Monday, November 22nd]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 774   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8699635
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 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 2:46 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Hey, y’all

Sorry I’ve been quite. I’ve just stopped looking at my phone lately, it’s not very healthy for me.

We are separated right now. Rotating who stays home with the girls. I was trying to give it a bit more time so we could file jointly on taxes. But also to give my brain time away from her to truly accept what’s going to happen.

I know what I need to do. But do any of you have or had trouble with knowing that once you leave. Your ex spouse will be with someone else? It kills me to think about that. Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife. The person I thought was my forever.

Anyways, I hope you all are well. I’m hanging in there the best I can!

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8699779
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:08 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Yes, it's a normal feeling. Most of us had it before we reached indifference. And you know what? IT'S TEMPORARY! When you get some distance from her and process the end of the marriage, you really won't care what she's up to.

You're still new to the process so give yourself a break. Your heart isn't going to get there at the drop of hat even if your mind knows that this is the way forward for you. It will catch up.

posts: 5072   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8699783
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife.

So sorry Ark. This woman simply doesn’t love you, and has absolutely zero respect for you. She’s going to do whatever the hell she wants to do, with whomever she wants to do it with, regardless of you or what you want. No doubt that hurts like hell but the separation was absolutely the right move to put you on the road to healing. Each day it will suck just a bit less (even if microscopically less for a while).

Try your best to stay NC (no contact) with her for all things except strictly the kids. Even at that, try your best to keep it in the written domain, like super short texts or emails.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8699784
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Legend10 ( new member #79407) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I know what I need to do. But do any of you have or had trouble with knowing that once you leave. Your ex spouse will be with someone else? It kills me to think about that. Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife. The person I thought was my forever.

I'm currently living it Ark! 10 weeks post DDay she tells my son she's got a new boyfriend, 11 weeks post DDay she's introduced him in person. Feels like someone else is now living my old life and I'm having to start a new one! Very odd feeling and unnerving at the same time.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8699790
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