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Reconciliation :
What was lost, even with a successful reconciliation

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cgreene ( member #55644) posted at 6:38 PM on Saturday, December 11th, 2021

[This message edited by cgreene at 11:10 PM, Monday, December 13th]

posts: 61   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016   ·   location: uk
id 8703685
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jailedmind ( member #74958) posted at 8:02 AM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

I read the replies and sort of sit back and the difference between the optimist, the pessimist and the pragmatist seem to shout out to me. For me it’s the season before the affair and now the one after. The good ole days are gone. I get to look back at them and wish I could relive them. But now I have this new reality and I sort of would like my old one back. But that’s just wishful thinking so I learn to live with my new one if that makes any sense.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2020
id 8704625
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:37 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

reading through this thread again - like to see others way of typing out their perspective and cogitating on my own perspective - again


This one seems to be a sum of what one is left with:



But now I have this new reality and I sort of would like my old one back. But that’s just wishful thinking so I learn to live with my new one if that makes any sense.

jailedmind

Not Just Friends

posts: 596   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8704664
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:50 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Sharing, not arguing....

At this point, My W is participating in life, and she's a lot less vulnerable to cheating than she was. My life with her is more active. We're both more authentic. We both appreciate our connection more intensely

Pre-d-day, W was a break-down waiting to happen.

Yes, I still have remnants of pain connected with her A, but because if the work we've done, I have additional joyful feelings that weren't in my future pre-d-day.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26518   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8704793
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 woundedbear (original poster member #52257) posted at 4:38 PM on Thursday, December 23rd, 2021

Thanks to all who contributed to this thread.

It really started with a simple need to let the thoughts out of my head. My fWW recently asked me to read what I wrote. I read the raw truth I shared with you all. She cried. Not out of embarrassment, or shame necessarily. She cried because after all the fog and after all the work, she is healthy now. She does not have all the walls and excuses for her behavior anymore, and she actually feels the pain she caused.

Maybe that is what it means to be reconciled. Maybe when your wayward finally understands the pain, and has done the work, that is when you are reconciled. I do believe for serial cheaters like my fWW, it is like any addiction, and requires constant vigilance.

I think it is okay to measure what was lost, as long as you do it while also looking at what needed to be lost and what was gained. I think that is what we are all saying in our own way.

So today, and for the next few days, I will dismiss ideas of what was lost, and spend time being grateful for a great life, great kids, great friends, and have a Merry Christmas. I hope that all of you are able to do the same, and celebrate the season in the way that fits your tradition.

Peace friends.

Me BS (54)
FWW (54)
DDay 3/10/2015
Married 30 years, together 34
2 kids, college and grown

posts: 233   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8705632
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 5:20 PM on Thursday, December 23rd, 2021

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well. Wishing you a happy, peaceful, holiday season.

In spite of all the pain we've gone through, every day we have is an opportunity to make things better and count our blessings where we find them.

Best wishes.

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 201   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8705638
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 3:48 AM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

Long term member....I remember when 35,000 members was a huge number...it has more than doubled....11 year later. What was lost...myself. I am no longer the person I was. I loved with my entire heart, I trusted with no doubt, I loved the joy of life-and the heartache that life just brought you. We did R...I love him, but along the way of R I lost myself. I found I betrayed myself. My parents had issues (Dad had multiple A's) when I was growing up and my Mom would not leave because she couldn't afford to care for us alone. I vowed that would never happen to me. I became professionally extremely solid and the primary wage earner....but when it happened, I was too weak to stand up for myself in the way I should have. I crumbled. It took me a long time to forgive myself for that.

We have a good life now. I love him, I trust him but I do not have the same innocent love and trust that I had back then. That is gone forever. He tells the is in love with me....but I am afraid that part of me is dead. I love him....but part of my heart is just gone.

In the last year, his AP and her BH have both died. So I know there is no chance they will pop up in our life...but there is some pain still sometimes. I always knew I was on the 5+ year track of healing and I was. D might have been better, but I like the life we built and we are good partners. Please don't get me wrong, my life is good, I have no doubt in his faithfulness now and his remorse. We have a good life that many are envious of...but the scars of the heart don't totally ever disappear.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 8705700
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 1:22 AM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

There is something I don't understand. For those who stated that their M's were good, happy, amazing, before the A, and then realized that they had simply "set the bar too low" and now realize there was a lot that could improve and has because of the work done by both BS and WS, why? I mean, I get that an A can bring to light many many cracks in a M or many many issues a WS has and now that they are all in the light, can be worked on for the betterment of a new M and WS.

However, what I don't understand is the mentality of the pre A M as less than when pre A BS thought it was good! If I had a choice, I would absolutely go back to the M I had pre A because I was content and relatively happy. Were there things missing? Yes. Did we have issues? Yes. Was I settling somewhat? Yes. But, my H was a good H, good father, good provider, family was always first, even above ass kissing at work. He didn't drink, or hang out in bars etc. He wasn't fucking around on me (that I knew of). And when I needed him he was there. Was I aware that I could have a happier life with someone else who met most of my needs, or at least made me feel that my needs were important? Sure. But again, given a choice, I'd always choose pre A M, no matter how good a new M might become, just to not have to go through the pain of betrayal, and the pain it will always bring in one form or another.

Why minimize the pre A M into something less than? Had I lived the rest of my life content and happy surrounded by my kids and grandkids, and a good husband (OK, not great, but good), I would have been overjoyed. Infidelity has caused a lifelong wound that I don't believe will ever heal completely. Like that knee that acts up when the weather is about to turn. Does it happen often? No, but when it does, it's a fucking painful reminder of all that was lost and can never be regained.

Is it possible to have a better M than before. Absofuckinglutely, and if it isn't better then what's the point? However, I would gladly give up this better M (if it happens) to go back to pre A M and regain all that was lost. The shit thing is, it was my WS that created the single issue he complained about the most and would never listen to me when I told him how to resolve it, why? Because his issue was not enough sex, and my issue was that I needed to feel connected, taken care of, none physical intimacy, in order to have sex. I couldn't just turn a switch to on whenever he wanted me to. The ways I told him he could accomplish this were always a no because they had NOTHING to do with sex. And like many H's, he assumed I needed him to "Pay to play". When all I was looking for was to feel appreciated, not for my body, but for all the ways in which I took care of him, our children, our home, our finances, etc. But that's neither here nor there. Now he understands how his selfishness created so much strain in our relationship, his entitlement, his anger, etc. And yet, I would go back to that in a heartbeat.

Loss? Yeah, there is a hell of a lot of loss, and it seems that I'm the only one who feels it.

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8705938
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 1:43 AM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

Yeah time machine would beat R for sure.

Speaking of which, I spent like 30 minutes trying to find a Christmas card for "wife" that doesn't say love forever, only you, or some variation. Did find one eventually.

There's a loss.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8705939
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 1:53 AM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

I do not have the same innocent love and trust that I had back then. That is gone forever. He tells the is in love with me....but I am afraid that part of me is dead. I love him....but part of my heart is just gone.

Speaking as someone who cannot claim a successful reconciliation, I can relate to this so hard. I love her as the mother of my children and actually enjoy her company. But my connection to her is so tenuous and thin now. I just don’t love her like I did.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think even in successful reconciliations, the betrayed spouse is the one who actually ends up feeling ILYBINILWY.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4528   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8705941
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 3:18 AM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

I love her as the mother of my children and actually enjoy her company. But my connection to her is so tenuous and thin now. I just don’t love her like I did.

I can definitely relate to this. Exactly how I feel about my WH.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5

First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.

posts: 1948   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8705946
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:49 PM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

Obviously there are things lost in a marriage or relationship due to betrayal.

My H traveled extensively throughout his career. All over the world. He had millions of opportunities to cheat that I would never find out about.

But his affair wasn’t about sex. It was mostly an EA where he planned to leave me. But where we are today is more connected. He talks to me about more things. He has made changes that were necessary — as did I.

Yes some of the "shine" is lost. But if we both learn and grow and not take each other for granted then it’s a positive thing.

We are happily reconciled. We are lucky. And blessed

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11162   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8705971
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:21 PM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

The problem I have with going back to the pre-A M is 2-fold. First, it means going back to an M that is more vulnerable to an A than is today's M.

Second, and much more important is this: my W fucked up because of self-hate. She was in emotional pain almost every moment of her life. That stood in the way of our M, and she would not have changed without some sort of catastrophe - she had to hit some sort of a 'rock bottom'.

It's funny - in our early days, my self-hate was the primary obstacle between us. As I learned to love myself - not an easy or quick process by any means - we got closer and closer. I didn't notice when my W's problems became the primary obstacles in our M. But as she is learning to love herself - also not easy or quick - our M is getting better.

She still has a way to go. But you know, she stuck with me during my struggles, and I plan on sticking with her.

In any case, that's how I see a connection between the M and the individual partners.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:21 PM, Saturday, December 25th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26518   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8705983
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 6:19 PM on Saturday, December 25th, 2021

That is a beautiful tribute to everything you’ve experienced, sisoon. Thank you for sharing.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8705985
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Knitaknee ( new member #71772) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

This0is0fine,

I used to get anniversary and birthday cards that said how lucky and blessed I was, and what a wonderful wife she was. No more. I purposely avoid ANY card that hints that I am lucky, fortunate, or blessed to have her as a wife. I find recently I even avoid cards that refer to loving her forever. I always tried to get cards that spoke from my heart. I guess I still do.

Sad.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Alabama
id 8706298
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

So today, and for the next few days, I will dismiss ideas of what was lost, and spend time being grateful for a great life, great kids, great friends, and have a Merry Christmas. I hope that all of you are able to do the same, and celebrate the season in the way that fits your tradition.

AWESOME sentiment! EVERYBODY experiences some type of loss in our life. Being GRATEFUL for what we have is an important part in having PEACE with our lives!

I could have lost my precious innocent M in many ways...some of them by losing my H as well. I am so GRATEFUL that we found our way back to each other...and that well makes up for ANY loss I had.

My precious innocent M was a farce. I had NO IDEA my H was seeking strangers to chat with...Webcam with...and eventually have sex with. That is NOT the H who I saw in my precious innocent M. Judging from what I have read on here...there are more than a few Betrayeds who were like I was.

I would NEVER want to go back to THAT M!! The M I have NOW is authentic and even more precious! You don't know what you don't know. So now that I KNOW what it means to have a faithful and loving spouse...I want THIS!

I am soooo MISSING being able to use emojis!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5815   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8706308
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