SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if it's ok that I post here. Looking for hope that future reconciliation is possible. My wife is still with the AP with zero plans to leave, and in fact wants to divorce me. The fog is thick, and she is ignoring so many red flags... you can read my profile for details.

I want to believe part of the draw is the fact that my wife and I are still living together and the affair is not out in the open. They know I know, but aside from close friends and family knowing, it's still a secret and they're still sneaking around. Admittedly I have been doing the "pick me" dance and I am now trying to implement the 180.

The affair has been going on for three months. D-Day was about two months ago. My wife is pushing forward with divorce proceedings so she can be with this other person.

My wife and I have a rich 16-year history, 3 very young kids (one is an infant)... we were also each other's best friend. I don't think we have had a tumultuous marriage but we've definitely been dealt a few difficult cards (infertility and pregnancy losses mainly).

So I guess my questions is whether anyone has reconciled after moving forward with mediation... and after their wayward spouse has (at least initially) chosen to stay with the AP. Thank you.

I want to believe part of the draw is the fact that my wife and I are still living together and the affair is not out in the open.

I'm with you on this 110%.

All cheaters are cake eaters. Given the opportunity, they will have and eat cake.

Your best bet is to fully implement the 180 because while the A is ongoing there is no M.

I recommend you file first because I will bet you 100 dollars she is "starting the process" and will footdrag the shit out of it, I could be wrong but you say she is "moving forward" and I don't know if she has filed yet. It would be out of character for a cheater to be so committed to D. As long as she can have a stable home with you and an exciting time with the AP.

When you have her served, just say, "I was tired of waiting for your lawyer to send me papers, so I got my own lawyer. I can't live like this with you."

When the reality of having a full time relationship via google translate hits her...

Anyway, you have to let her go. My wife only came around when I asked for a divorce in writing (though I didn't file either). You have to be willing to lose your M to save it. Truly willing to. Not "file for D to manipulate her into seeing the light". Understand that filing for D is what puts you in a position to be safe because you refuse to live with a cheating wife.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:34 PM, Monday, October 11th]

The absolute best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to stop even thinking about the possibility of R. Find your anger. Your W is extremely messy and mean and acting straight up crazy. Protect yourself from that, physically, emotionally, legally.

Really, though, if you want to have any hope of a successful R, which at this point is a long shot, you MUST find the strength to extricate yourself from this shit show. Either she'll snap out of it and realize that she was acting a fool or she won't. But she DEFINITELY won't wise up while she's cramming your cake and OW's cake in her cake hole.

Do you have an attorney yet?

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 9:00 PM, Monday, October 11th]

You are letting her cake eat. Do not do that. You will be in limbo indefinitely. She’s manipulating you. Limerant affairs lose their shine between 12-24 months. Until then you are the weak one and ap is the strong one. Please listen to the advice here to get yourself out of infidelity one way or another. Doing what you’ve been doing will only prolong YOUR pain and YOUR resentment if you reconcile.

There is absolutely NO WAY to even consider R when your wife is still active in the affair. But the more important question is why are you allowing her to do this to you????? She doesn't feel any consequences because you are not putting your foot down.

I get that it's tough as you have young kids, but if she wants to be with the AP, LET HER GO BE WITH HER.

Careful what she wishes for, she just might get it,,,,

Helping keep their affair a secret has gotten you what?

In your situation full exposure all at once is your best option.

The pick me dance just makes you look weak and unattractive while making her boyfriend look strong and more attractive.

Either wake up to reality or get more of what you’ve gotten.

I suspect you live in fear. Afraid of pushing her away. Bud, she’s already gone. You’ve got nothing to lose.

Marz, you need to follow the story a bit more. Same sex couple.

Ok... I really was just hoping for answers to the main questions which was whether anyone here has positive stories about future reconciliation (AFTER an end to an affair, AFTER divorce proceedings have begun). I feel like anytime I show and signs of weakness I just get thoroughly chastised. This is all very new for me. I'm on month two after having found out. I'm not sure why there is this expectation to just immediately move on.

As I said in my original post, I AM trying to transition to the 180. I DO have a lawyer, and so does she. I DO have a therapist. I am literally doing all the things, but no, I'm sorry, I cannot just turn off my feelings and hopes and thoughts about what the future might look like. Maybe I'll get there. But today, in this moment, I am not quite there yet.

I am actually the one dragging my feet with the divorce because I would really like to see the affair implode before my wife has the opportunity to legalize that union - and this is mainly because I have kids and I don't want them mixed up in that toxic mess. Again, we do have mediation scheduled, and if that is a total bust, one of us will file.

Until all of that there is nothing I can do. I'm NOT condoning the affair by any means but I also cannot kick my wife out of the house we both own. In fact, I have made it clear I'd like her to leave and she's made it clear she won't do it.

We all want a time machine. Sorry for the 2x4s.

You are right that you can't turn your feelings off like that. No one can. We just don't want you keeping yourself in the hurt, hitting the hopium pipe, and doing the pick me dance. We are giving advice to you based on the fact the A is ongoing. Until you are out of infidelity, no one can give you advice on how to R.

I’m not sure what you are protecting. In my opinion if you want to give your marriage even a slim chance the affair needs to see the light of day.

Infidelity thrives in the dark.

I know it’s embarrassing but you have to be willing to lose the marriage to have any chance to save it. Cliché i know, but that doesn’t make it less true.

There is no quick fix. Even if she came to her senses tomorrow she wouldn’t be a safe partner again for years. And right now she’s showing nothing that says she has it in her to do the work to rebuild.

If it were me, I’d be starting to expose What she’s done to close friends and family
And branch out from there. And it’s not job to protect her relationship with the kids. They should know in an age appropriate way what is happening.

I understand your reasons for slowing the D, but not your reasons for not exposing. You are not the one doing something wrong here, I’d urge you to not act like you are.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:37 AM, Tuesday, October 12th]

And let me just add, yes it’s possible. It has happened. But not with how she is feeling and acting right now and not while you are playing any sort of "pick me".

Showing that you are ready and willing to take her back at a single word from her is showing her that she can keep doing what she’s doing and you’ll be there to pick up the pieces.

If you’ve read anything I’ve writing on this site you’ll see me repeatedly state that the BS is always grasping at straws and hoping for any sign of their spouse reversing the other they are currently on and thinking "once she does we can start getting back to normal"

But that’s not how it works. The most successful BS’s are the ones that take a simple stance, clearly state what they need to see for the m to even consider trying to rebuild and begin to move on without their cheating spouse without looking back.

I know it’s hard. You still have live in your heart. But even if she does come back, she has destroyed the bases of your relationship. She has ruined trust probably forever (rebuilt trust is different and not the same as original trust) and she has truly hurt you.

I can give you 30 things she must do, and most of them she must do to almost completion, before she’s even a candidate for R.

Everyone here knows how hard this is for you to do. Yes it takes a while to get your mind around, but the fact that people close to you still don’t know what is happening makes it easier for her to keep cheating and harder for those around you to provide the support you need.

Again I wish you well.

So I'm not NOT exposing the affair. I'm not sure where I gave the impression I was trying to help them keep it a secret. I have actually confided in a lot of mutual friends and also spoke to a couple people in her family (which caused a GREAT deal of ugly, ugly drama when my wife found out). Not sure what more I can do? My wife has also been acting kind of litigious so I need to be careful how I come across in case she tries to use something against me.

Really though, any suggestions on what more I can/should do to out them? I also really don't care to provide fodder for the two of them to discuss.

Wear a VAR at all times to protect yourself from false domestic violence claims.

Sorry you gave the impression that very few people know.

I honestly think the best approach is to clearly state that you can no longer be in a relationship with someone in love or lust with someone else and let her know that if she ever wants you to even consider getting back with her she will need to start by working to get her AP out of her life and her heart and prove it to you. And that is only the start of what it would take.

Can you picture ever taking her back if she didn’t do those things? It wouldn’t work.

Yes my H came around to reconciliation.

We were on the brink of D and earlier that same day he (yet again) asked for a D.

Something in me finally just snapped. I had enough of being disrespected and lied to for 6 months. He just pushed me too far.

I don’t know at what point he suddenly decided he wanted to R. But I can tell you nothing I said or did was the catalyst for his change of mind or heart.

He came to that conclusion or choice to R on his own. It took me many months to decide to R as well. I had decided to D and I was actively in plan B / exit mode.

It took my H one year of hard work before I stopped thinking of D him every day. It took me 3 years to heal and feel like our marriage was in solid ground.

Your cheating wife is actively in the affair and is living in the affair fog.

Your only option is to protect yourself and kids. If the cheater changes their mind then you have something to work with and possibly reconciliation can occur.

But….the cheater has to make that choice on their own or else you are fighting a losing battle. And your marriage will not survive. You will always be living with the idea of the AP or some other AP infiltrating your marriage.

The cheater is either all in or not. No doubt can exist or a half baked attempt be made by the cheater.

I feel like anytime I show and signs of weakness I just get thoroughly chastised. This is all very new for me. I'm on month two after having found out. I'm not sure why there is this expectation to just immediately move on.

Because time is of the essence. The sooner you steel yourself and hit your WW with the reality of her choices, the more likely it is that the outcome will be something positive. We snatch the hopium pipe from your lips and crack the whip at you to act because we want the best outcome for you.

I understand why you're dragging your feet, but by doing so, you're allowing her to continue living a dual life. (She's cake-eating.) She gets to see the kids all she wants and see the OW all she wants. She's not feeling the consequences of her actions and she's thumbing her nose at you and telling you that she can do what she wants. You appear weak, and weakness is repellant. She's not going to snap out of it until she has to pay dearly for doing what she wants.

Your WW seems to be enjoying having the best of both worlds.

You don't have to tolerate that.

IMHO - see an attorney [many offer free consults]. Find out what your life would look like should you separate.

Then make informed decisions.

I feel like anytime I show and signs of weakness I just get thoroughly chastised. This is all very new for me. I'm on month two after having found out. I'm not sure why there is this expectation to just immediately move on.

You have a legitimate complaint.

Time really isn't that limited. You're dealing with decisions that effect decades of your life. Taking some months to process the trauma of d-day makes a lot of sense. If R is on the table for you, you're contemplating years of effort, so you MUST invest a lot of time, whether R succeeds or not, because it takes a lot of time to find out if the WS will do the necessary work.

But, but, but ... the A is on-going, and it's not going to stop until your WS decides to stop. There a few ways for you to stop it, and none of them are legal.

Stop thinking about your W. Focus on yourself. When you start pick-me dancing, figure out what you're feeling, and deal with that. Scared? Remind yourself you lived without her for a lot of years, and you can do that again. Grief-stricken? Fell your grief and mourn. Attend to yourself; your WS has to tend to herself....

My W did come around to wanting R and wanting to do the work. She did it on the day I aske the question that resulted in d-day. She made her decision for herself. I think her decision was based in SMALL part on my behavior over the long term, not on anything I did WRT the A. Her decision was based primarily on her wants and on her needs. She decided she would do the work she needed to do to get authentic, and she decided she wanted to be with me.

She said she realized she might lose me, but she also realized she had a right to go for what she wanted, as did I. She hoped they matched, but no matter what, she decided she had to live authentically, whether I was willing to R or not.

IMO, that decision - to live authentically - is what makes or breaks R. It doesn't guarantee successful R, but it goes a long way in that direction.

So my reco is to focus on your healing. When you think about R, don't think about how nice it would be to have her back - instead, think about your requirements for R, and think about processing your pain.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, Tuesday, October 12th]

The longer that the trauma goes on, the harder it is to recover, IMO. That's why I'm of the opinion that time IS of the essence.

How many BSs say that they wished that they'd snapped out of it sooner and taken action? Lots. Yes, it takes time, time, and more time to process, grieve, and heal, but the sooner you act to stop the bloodletting, the better it is for everyone, especially you.

No one can control another person, but the BS taking action has been shown to effect change in the WS. It's not why we should take that action - we should do it for ourselves, but it sometimes has the added benefit of giving the WS a wake-up call.

Lots of solid advice on this thread. FWIW, people do R after D...

the question I have is why do YOU want to R? That's not for me to know, but to ask yourself.
What is it about this particular partner, who has proven to be capable of a very high level of disrespect and harm to YOU, that makes you think she is a catch?
vs
the fear of losing the M / the WS.

IME, this is where the rubber meets the road WRT R.
As has been stated, we can only change ourselves. We cannot change or control another person - only they can decide to change for themselves.

I began this journey with a VERY long list of all the reasons I wanted to R (will I be able to get a job I can live on? Will I ever find another partner? Will I ever have sex again? What will happen on Christmas? What will the kids think? What will the world think about ME bc my M failed? Or bc my WH was a cheater? The list went on & on & on). As time went on, I realized that the reasons I was so wrapped up in wanting to R had little to do with my the person my WH is (and had PROVED himself to be) and EVERYTHING to do with my own fears. Turns out the person my WH is - today- is not someone I would ever get romantically involved with. Those are the cards in my hand - TODAY.

Your WW is cake eating and you cannot change that.
The thing you CAN change is you. How you respond. What you are -and are not - willing to put up with. Where YOUR boundaries lie.

Any BS can always HOPE for R. To me, the issue is what happens in the meantime? Your WW is, by any objective measure, NOT a good candidate for R. It takes two to R, and she is clearly not interested... today. She may - or may not - come to her senses. In the meantime, you have to protect yourself and your kids as best you can with the cards you've been dealt. Right now, those cards don't include R, so I would try my damndest to focus on myself and focus on what life after D looks like.