SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. I appreciate it. I hear it. I still have questions, and I'll try to go into some detail here...

So I'm not sure what "not allowing it to happen" really looks like. We are at a standstill, with neither of us willing to move out of the house. We are essentially separated within the house. All hands on deck for dinner/baths/bedtime and then we hardly see or speak to one another. Occasional family outing on the weekends for the kids which is at once normal-feeling and awkward-feeling. She knows I want her out of the house, but I know she can't just leave without the money from SELLING the house. I am in no way whatsoever prepared to uproot my kids. We don't have a lot of money and selling the house means moving somewhere out of the school district and away from everything we know, all my supports, my kids' community etc. Assuming the D proceeds, I am planning to do one of two things:

1. Capitalize on the thick affair fog, let it be known that I am not planning on selling the house until I am required to or unless she gives me primary custody. I know her #1 goal right now is to be with the AP and begin this crazy fantasy life they envision. AP is very motived for this to happen as well and is pulling ALL the strings here. Still unclear if my wife is being played or not (if even to some degree). Again, AP is undocumented, financially insecure, incapable of navigating this country easily due to language barrier, lonely, etc etc. I have a lot of embarrassing dirt on them both and there is a small chance that I can somehow take advantage of the craziness in order to reach my own #1 goal (aside from R), which is primary custody of my children. And maybe it also puts strain on their relationship, because one of my biggest fears with all of this is having this crazy AP in the lives of my very young children.

2. File for a no-fault divorce. No-fault because that means mandatory separation, which again, hopefully keeps me staying in the house with the kids for that year.

I guess all this is to say, I do sort of have a plan for moving forward, even though I recognize that my idea of "forward" may not be yours.

gmc94: I mean to also answer your question about "why."

Sure, a lot of it is fear-based. I'm almost 40, with 3 young kids. Not super secure financially. I'm attractive and fit but otherwise I'm not sure anyone is going to be beating down the doors to be in a relationship with me, and the thought of living my life alone, of bearing witness to my children growing up alone is really hard for me.

Fear about what sharing custody of my kids looks like. I cannot even let my mind contemplate losing out on 50% of their childhoods, especially since they are so little. I think this would be a lot easier with teenagers. The only way I get my kids full-time is through my wife. To me, that in and of itself is worth seeing if we can't (eventually) piece together what's been broken, with the understanding that the cracks won't ever fully heal, and the understanding that this would be a new marriage.

Fear for my children themselves. I don't want to go off on a tangent, but my 8 year old has already had a rough go of it and my wife and I have been a team in trying to get him appropriate help to manage his anger and impulses. This will affect him tremendously.

But it's not just that, not at all. I do love my wife so much. We really were a team. Both good parents, even household distribution, similar interests, best friends. It's hard to reckon with what's going on because (and yes I know "they all say that") this is just so wholly out of character. I could have seen myself engaging in this craziness before HER. Three separate people have suggested I look into bipolar disorder or other things, and of course I've done the research and know that her behavior is typical for "limerent" affairs or "affair fog" or whatever. Our marriage wasn't/isn't perfect but I didn't feel like it was for lack of love. I don't know if that answers the "why" question.

You are in what we call IHS (in house separation). There are plenty of folks on SI who've been through it and can offer support as to that particular clusterf*ck of infidelity.

what does your attorney say WRT your post this am?
How much would each of you get from selling your home? Is it possible to refinance to pull out some cash to pay her enough to get her out of the house? And if so, can you do the refi in your name alone - which MIGHT be helpful as part of the D?
How would that - and/or you getting primary custody - impact child support? IOW, is it possible that you find a way to get her some cash to get out now, in exchange for reduced/delayed/waived child support?

A good attorney may be able to find some creative solutions.

Do you have anything documenting her desire to leave you for the AP (eg texts, emails, etc)? Would that make a difference in D? IOW, that she's the one saying she wants to D, but she is also the one not willing to move out? That kind of thing MAY also be considered as part of custody. Also, remember that custody is always subject to modification, which is something to consider (IOW, you agree to sell house in exchange for primary custody, you do so, have to relocate your kids, etc. and then 2 or 4 or 8 years from now, she pulls her head out of her arse and comes back and wants joint custody). Every state (and IMHO, even every county / judge) is different, so something to explore with your attorney.

I agree about contacting an attorney who understands your options, the likelihood of achieving your primary goals (full custody), and how best to proceed with a cheating spouse who refuses to vacate the house.

My ex-WW (no kids) cheated with a coworker and moved out of our rental immediately. Took her quite some time to get out of the fog (still not totally clear to me if she is fully .. 5yrs later). About 1yr after D-Day, I told her she needed to file and she did. We've been divorced nearly 4yrs now, but she often reached out to me following divorce. It seemed she wanted me to do the pick me dance (and I did early on, but slowly pulled away with time), as she would never recommit fully to reconciliation, therapy, etc, but wanted me to stay in her life. I know I could never be just her friend, and made that clear. We'd go weeks, months, one time almost a full year with NC (because I stopped initiating).

She's coming to visit me tomorrow .. as I moved out of state over a year ago and have tried not to look back. I've dated, I've focused on me, I've done my best to move on. I haven't been able to change what my heart has always wanted (even after meeting some amazing women).

We aren't close to being in a place of reconciling, but it feels to me like this could very well be the last time I open that door with her. There's still so much love between us, but I know I can't keep living my life like this, and have told her I can't be doing this or still be in this place 5 more years from now.

Divorce doesn't end things .. especially if you have children. You pursuing divorce does stop the craziness you're living .. the limbo hell you're stuck in now. You need to speak to an attorney to find out what your choices are and how best to proceed for you and your children. You need to think and focus on your crazy wife (you cannot control anything she does right now), and focus more of your attention on what you can control (filing for divorce, moving, selling the house, etc). For me, as soon as I began planning my life independently from my ex-WW, the craziness began to subside, the pain began to subside, and I began to pick up the pieces of my broken life and heal.

Best of luck.

My wife took over 3 years to appear to be really trying. Or maybe it took me three years to believe her. It’s not always a linear progression nor is it always as simple as working through it.

But I had the advantage of having a spouse who dropped the affair the moment of discovery. I even remarked how cruel it was to cheat on me — but also to just dump someone like they were nobody when she got caught. Her AP was her ex-girlfriend of 14 years, a toxic mess of a woman who likely felt she had finally "won back" the one she had booted from her life in a nasty split a couple years before we met. If my wife had even indicated she could not give up their connection completely and entirely, reconciliation would not have even been an option. I was so convinced I had been replaced that for her to see or even talk to her one more time would have been the end. I would have driven her to the ex’s door and dropped her off with a message of "You broke it — you bought it."

It is way too soon the be thinking about reconciliation while your spouse is still in the affair. She needs a wake up call. I am so sorry.