This is why interviewing MCs is so vital if you're truly giving R a red hot shot.
The Perrel/Gottam 50/50 mindset is brilliant when communication and disconnect is the only issue in the relationship but it's so harmful when infidelity is the cause of the breakdown. Why? because both buy into the 50/50 where everyone in the relationship shares the blame so it's equal footing, via this blueprint the BS plays a role in the WS affair(s) and some even shift blame and say the BS are the catalyst. With the 50/50 "labels" are 100% looked down on because you can't build a solid relationship if there is a victim and a villain, I have even been told labeling yourself the victim is very selfish and self absorbed .
The 50/50 is great when trying to build communication but disastrous when trying to survive traumatic events like infidelity, rape, abuse and clinical depression. Too much shift blaming occurs, unaccountability and rug sweeping goes on, affairs become justified and validated instead of emphasis placed on ownership and rebuilding trust, the 50/50 is truly about "forgive and forget to build a stronger relationship, holding grudges or blaming isn't healthy", scarily the 50/50, to me, always feels like "well, if you didn't upset your spouse so much they wouldn't beat you up so much so please stop upsetting your spouse" or "you were too inner focused when having chemo and forgot your partners sexual needs, you can't ignore their needs", to me you can't work with that mindset when trying to R and heal from infidelity simply because infidelity is NOT the BS fault.
Sadly when learning to be an MC infidelity cases are rarely studied, the "it takes two to tango" examples are more used but overall they study communication techniques, not how to deal with trauma. So you do need to shop around when considering MC, I can not stress that enough, and a good way to weed out the Perrel/Gottam MCs is simply ask their opinions on infidelity, gauge if they're being patronizing "of course it's horrible/awful but..." statements (always watch out for the "but" statements), ask their opinions around "labelling" (do they see the BS as a "victim") and ask outright their thoughts on Perrel/Gottam. Did they study them? do they agree? etc
If you do end up with a MC who buys into Perrel/Gottam it will become evident, such as...
It seems to me that you over-identified with the role of a betrayed spouse. People do it often because, paradoxically, being a victim of a transgression gives their lives meaning, which was otherwise lacking.
AKA - Anti labels. The Perrel/Gottam MCs of the world don't believe in facing a marriage problem as two separates on a unit, a "you" and "them", a "victim" and a "villain", you can't have a unit if a BS sees themselves as the aggrieved party and uses labels to separate themselves from their WS, you're both to blame, you're a unit.
Sexual betrayal can be extremely painful, eviscerating, and I feel for you! On another hand (there is always another hand, isn’t it?) it may be a catalyst for growth - yours, your wive’s, and you as a couple.
AKA - This is their patronizing "but" I mentioned before, glossing over and rug sweeping the impact of infidelity trauma. "I know it hurts but..." "I can sympathize but...." "I feel for you! On the other hand...." RUN If you get a MC who does this because I guarantee they will rug sweep the trauma and provide zero healing tools for you both.
To begin with, your therapist should help you to cultivate an attitude of curiosity rather than blame.
AKA - Forgive and forget. This "curiosity" has nothing to do with getting the details of the affair more be curious about the possibility of growth as a couple. These kind of MCs will recommend against asking for the details, timelines for example, because it's hurtful to both parties and asking for past grievances does not contribute in building a stronger relationship. They are saying "be invested, present and interested in the growth of a stronger partnership moving forward from this disconnect rather than making sense what happened." Don't be curious about the affair(s) rather be curious about the relationship development.
I highly recommend Esther Perrel books
My eyes hurt from the eye roll, of COURSE they would recommend Perrel, dear lord, after glossing over the pain, telling you to stop labeling yourself the victim and to simply move on and take this as a chance to be a better couple... ugggggh of COURSE they recommend Perrel.
For those considering MC and lurking here, IC first, you both need to work on the damage and damage done before you shop for a MC but do shop around when that time comes, therapists are biased while others are simply uneducated around infidelity, weed out the affair apologists.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 3:27 AM, Sunday, October 10th]