SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have been struggling to find any stories that are similar to mine, although many of the themes are obviously the same. My ex-wife and I got divorced 5 years ago, when our son was 4 and our daughter was 2. My ex suffers from depression and bi-polar disorder, and has periods of intense manic behavior where she cannot be calmed for an hour or two. She refuses to get help for her conditions aside from medication that does not work. During the end of the marriage, I caught her on multiple occasions texting her ex-bf, calling him, and doing what she could to spend time with him. There were also a few times where she would go out for drinks with friends and come home plastered at 2 or 3 am in a taxi, leaving her car at the bar, sometimes receiving texts afterwards. Always, everything was my fault and I was sure to hear about it.

During our marriage, in order to deal with the tremendous mental and emotional abuse I turned to alcohol to cope. In doing so, I nearly killed myself and spiraled into a deep depression. I realized that I needed to leave the relationship in order to heal. It was a tough decision with 2 young ones, but I felt I could not care for them if I could not care for myself. I filed for divorce, began medications, and started seeing a therapist. Within 2 years I was able to stop therapy and medications altogether.

At the time of the divorce, I felt incredibly guilty. I agreed to pay 50% more than the court demanded for 4 years. At that point I would pay 20% more until the kids were both 18. I reconnected with an old friend who was incredibly supportive, but I did not want to be in a relationship with her. I stayed in a relationship with her for 3 years and could feel myself getting better each day, but I wanted my family back. And then the pandemic struck.

My ex had moved in with her ex-bf as a means to survival a year before the pandemic, and we had begun talking about the future for the kids. Both kids had to attend school remotely during the pandemic, and my ex was not able to manage it. I still had serious feelings for her and I also wanted to try and recover what I could as a parent for my 2 kids. She decided to move out of his house and into my house. As this transition was happening, we were intimate on a regular basis. We have always had an incredible chemistry and it was a breath of fresh air to enjoy while not being clinically depressed.

We decided that we would put our family back together, and at least one good thing would come out of the pandemic. I work from home so I was able to manage the kids with their school. She worked an hour and a half away, so she was gone most of the time. She would leave around 6 am and come home around 8 pm. Her job can best be described as seasonal, where the summer is the busy season. About 8 months into our family rebuild, her busy season started up. Her hours away from the home spiked up to about 16 hours per day on most days during the busy season. Being the nice and caring father and partner that I am, I decided to buy her dream home within 5 miles of her work. We moved there mid-season for her work, at the beginning of August 2021.

As her work hours were spiking, I started to notice some changes in her. At first, she wore sweatpants and a hoodie to work. As the busy season came, she started dressing more and more sexy. I started seeing all kinds of lace underwear and bras and lingerie that I had never seen before. She just said that it made her feel good about herself. Ok, I can take that at face value because I was trusting her.

Starting in August, she started being really secretive with her phone. She turned off notifications for text messages and social media apps. She would go into work when there wasn’t an event and not come home until 1 or 2 am. She told me I wasn’t to do her laundry anymore. That was a strange one. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, but she wanted to do her own? I’m super suspicious now. I shoulder surfed her watch password and dug in when she went to bed.

She was having conversations with other men, but they were really pretty bland. Then I noticed that a contact called Sherrie Smith was texting her a lot. As I started reading I realized that this was a man, Sam Stevens, and it was the man who would text her late night when we were married. He called her by the pet name that I called her by in his texts, and I got furious. After midnight I confronted her and yelled, and she ran out of the house and went to her ex-bf’s house.

She has always been really secretive about her social media and texting, and always got mad when I looked into them. She never thought I had a right when we were married, and now she thinks I definitely don’t have a right. I disagree. But regardless she told all of her family that I tried to hit her, even though she hit me and left me bloody. I made sure to take pictures.

So this brings us up to the middle of August, when I decided to start documenting things. What I found interesting is that 90% of the strange behavior occurred on Thursdays. This leads me to believe that the AP is married and is on a schedule. What I can gather is that she takes our kids to practice on Thursday, goes to buy some liquor, gets drunk and cheats, and then picks the kids up to come home. I honestly have no idea who the AP is, but I clearly have my suspicions. My ex is really good at covering her tracks, but yesterday she messed up.

Yesterday she took the kids to practice. About 15 minutes before pickup she texted me that she was at an appointment and I needed to pick the kids up from practice in the evening. The problem with that is that I got a credit card notification 2 hours earlier that she had paid for her appointment. I told her that I wouldn’t be picking up the kids. (Mind you, the entire text conversation was in really sloppy, misspelled wording...drunk talk). I told her that we need to talk when she got home, and she avoided it. I asked her to send me a screenshot of her location from her phone because I didn’t believe her story and the response was "fuck you". I told her if she wanted to come clean that we could talk, but if not she can go be with that other guy and he can support her. She didn’t respond. She dropped the kids off and disappeared into the night.

Another interesting point is that this morning she asked me to send her a sizable amount of money. When I checked our joint email account, she had an electronic payment to a woman’s clinic with the notation "help".

So here’s where I’m at mentally. She’s definitely banging some dude. She gaslights the fuck out of me and blames me for all of the problems in the world. I’m pretty sure she got pregnant(I've had a vasectomy), asked me for money, and then got an abortion pill ($400). She won’t come clean or be honest. I plan on telling her today that the only thing we have to talk about is the kids. She can get her shit and leave, and I’ll even put it in the driveway for her. She has said in the past that she wants to get her own place for 6 months "to heal". Ha. Well here’s her chance.

So I guess what I’m hoping for is some advice for an unmarried father. Should I give her more benefit the doubt? My gut says no. I’m pretty sure that the kids will stay with me but I don’t want to chance that. So I think I will just let her leave and keep my mouth shut for a few weeks. I’m not really emotionally broken up about all of this, and I kind of look forward for the daily berating to end. But is there a better way I should handle this to make sure the kids are well taken care of? I was considering getting a PI to bust her drinking and driving with the kids in the car. I think that might force her to finally get some professional help, but I want to focus on the kids and myself.

There is no real way to move forward WITH her. You should see a custody lawyer regarding your kids and the situation with your ex's drinking and driving.

Catching her driving drunk with the kids is a catch 22. If law enforcement becomes involved she could end up in jail as in addition to DUI she would likely be charged with child endangerment.

You're going to have to say something to her about this at some point because she is already putting the kids in harm's way. That said, if you have suspicions about who the AP is - dig for proof and blow the A up to his family. That will at least slow it down and allow you to get your plan of action in order.

IMO, no.

She hasn't changed, and my concern is for the safety of your kids. She's driving drunk with them in the car, and even if they are not in the car she is a danger to herself and other innocent people

You need to meet with a good attorney asap.

Right now she is not a good partner and is not a responsible parent.

She has shown you repeatedly who she is, please believe her.

If you can, seek therapy for yourself and STD testing for both of you is a must.

Basically you already have a legal framework in place for the kids.
I think your best path now is to simply accept that this romantic relationship isn’t working. It now becomes more of a logistical issue on how best to terminate it.

I wouldn’t bother sitting her down to discuss who Sam Smith or whatever the name is. I would simply sit her down and discuss how you two will go about terminating her living in your home and how you two can best serve as coparents to your children. That’s it, because that’s really the only issues left to deal with.

Note that if she’s registered in your house – even if the house is in your name – you can’t kick her out. But since you two aren’t married and this is a relatively new relationship (the one you started last year) you can demand she leaves and she will have to do so within some timeframe.

Two things frighten me about your post. The drinking and driving. You don't need to risk having the kids in the car. You can call the cops on her anytime she's drinking and driving... a DUI on her record isn't going to look good in court... sounds like Thursdays might work. Have you considered putting a GPS tracker in her car so you know when she's going to the bars? A PI might work to get more information. You should also meet with a lawyer to get his/her advice on you will need to get full custody. It doesn't sound like the kids are safe with her.

she told all of her family that I tried to hit her, even though she hit me and left me bloody. I made sure to take pictures.

You do not want a fake DV on your record. You need to buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times. You can use the recording app on your phone until you get one.

Should I give her more benefit the doubt?

Short answer: No

I'm not even sure what benefit of the doubt there is to give. She's obviously still in contact with ex-BF - Red Flag

She's going out for no real reason - Red Flag

Drinking and driving with your kids - WHAT?!

She's painting you out to be abusive - Why are still dealing with any of this?

I'm wondering why, when you received the misspelled drunk texts, you refused to get your kids?

Have you considered putting a GPS tracker in her car so you know when she's going to the bars?

I did this but she was on to me. So she parks her car and he picks her up to take her somewhere.

I'm wondering why, when you received the misspelled drunk texts, you refused to get your kids?

I need to prove it somehow. And I can't follow her because she covers her tracks. That's why I'm thinking a PI would be helpful. Maybe they can call the cops if the see her driving intoxicated. I'm also not 100% sure if she's drunk or high on something. She seems to be really high strung lately and I'm not sure if it's the pressure of the situation or something else.

Also, just had a 45 minute call with her mother explaining the situation. Her mother has noticed much of what I described but didn't realize the severity of her mental health and her actions. I told her that mental health is a great excuse but it doesn't forgive the shit that she's putting me and the kids through. Won't be able to trust her again and if she doesn't get help I need all of the ammo I can find to get full custody.

I don't understand refusing to pick the kids up when you suspect she is drunk. Why would you put your kids at risk like that to prove a point to her?? Not worth it. You both need to put your children first.

Obviously this leopard doesn't change its spots. Leave her, and prioritize the kids' welfare.

Good Morning Enlighted,

in order to deal with the tremendous mental and emotional abuse I turned to alcohol to cope. In doing so, I nearly killed myself and spiraled into a deep depression

It is so good to hear a success story regarding substance abuse. I hope you have put that completely in the rear view mirror.

Could any of that time come back to bite you in a custody battle?

At the time of the divorce, I felt incredibly guilty. I agreed to pay 50% more than the court demanded for 4 years. At that point I would pay 20% more until the kids were both 18.

This should be changed, get a attorney and go to court ASAP. All extra payment should only be as you deem necessary and directed only to child care. Now she uses it any way she wants.

So this brings us up to the middle of August, when I decided to start documenting things. What I found interesting is that 90% of the strange behavior occurred on Thursdays. This leads me to believe that the AP is married and is on a schedule.

Great job documenting you will need it. If you can hire a PI do it! Find all info you can to use in you upcoming split and custody battle. Including her drinking and drug use, being out, going with other men and driving under the influence. Also you must start carrying a VAR to protect yourself from false domestic abuse charges. At some later date the other mans wife needs to know the truth.

She has said in the past that she wants to get her own place for 6 months "to heal". Ha. Well here’s her chance.

If you can make that happen DO IT even if it costs you cash. This should solidify you as the primary caretaker and with more evidence of her poor parenting maybe full custody.

Start looking at this as war and do not telegraph your moves to anyone but your attorney. Not her or her mother. Look at this as a six month battle to you winning your children. If she leave you with the children and continues on with her behavior you win and set the rules for the future.

I sincerely hope the best for you and am so happy to hear you are not devastated by her actions as most of us are.

Respectfully,

Organic

This is when you need a lawyer, not just for court but to understand who your judge will be. There are some judges who routinely rule in the mother’s favor and there are other judges who really look at what’s in the best interest of the child. You need to consult an attorney to find out what the judge in your area usually decrees. It will make a big difference. You need to document, document, document. She is too unstable to be a parent. She probably would do better if she just visited the kids while they lived with you full-time. I’m sorry she has a mental illness but she’s not doing anything to take care of it. Marriage or not you are the father of these children. If you have their best interest at heart you will fight for full custody.

This is a highly dysfunctional relationship. If the terms of your D did not change, and you own the house in your name, then it's pretty simple. Ask her to leave. Be done.
DO NOT under ANY circumstances EVER again tell her to drive while suspected drunk with your children. This also puts you in a really bad light, and not good parent.

That said... the other thing I wanted to mention is the morning after pill is not $400. It's basically free in the US. So if she spent $400. I would suspect she had something else done.

Run from this woman as fast and as far as you can, and protect your children from her at all costs.

so happy to hear you are not devastated by her actions as most of us are.

I’m not really worried about myself and my relationship with her, but I am absolutely devastated and was in tears earlier about how this will affect the kids when I tell them.

the morning after pill is not $400

Any ideas what it might be for an appointment of less than an hour?

One recurring theme I keep seeing is that I shouldn’t let her be with the kids alone, especially when I suspect her of being under the influence. I don’t know if it’s that I hope that things will change (they don’t) or that I believe she will do the right thing (she won’t). I don’t claim to be the best father on this planet. But I love my kids and am trying my hardest to provide them a stable, consistent, loving environment. I have no idea what to tell them….

After midnight I confronted her and yelled, and she ran out of the house and went to her ex-bf’s house.

Based on this alone you should kick her out, you know she just didn't go there to play checkers right ? She went there to sleep with her exbf who she'd been living with prior to your "reconciliation".

Now she's back with this other OM as well and talking to other people, what's it going to take for your to dump for once and for all this unremorseful proven SERIAL cheater and liar ? Get a PI to document her behavior and use it to try to gain full custody, based on what you have described it sounds that a PI would get plenty of evidence in a short period of time.

The morning after pill and an abortion pill are not the same thing. $400 sounds about right for medication termination.

I was also bothered by you not getting the kids when she drunk-texted you. Their safety is more important than anything.

If you can make that happen DO IT even if it costs you cash. This should solidify you as the primary caretaker and with more evidence of her poor parenting maybe full custody.

She just texted me and asked me for $3k for an AirBnB for 2 months. I told her to come clean and I’ll consider it. Should I just bow and give it to her? Or should I try to make her work for it? She has already threatened me with lawyers and her police buddies if I don’t give it to her.

that sounds like extortion and you know what happens if you comply the first time, right? you are not legally married to her if not mistaken. On what ground she can get lawyer involved if you don't give her the $3K? Sorry if I missed a few details here. I hope you have a VAR with you at all time and record everything to protect yourself. Like some posted pointed out, consult with a lawyer pronto.

Good Luck.

I'd get an attorney involved before I gave her any money at all. You might be setting yourself up for trouble down the line if you give her money now.

the morning after pill is not $400

Any ideas what it might be for an appointment of less than an hour?

Morning after pill typically costs $0-$35. An actual abortion typically costs $300-$600 (barring complications) depending on where the service is performed.

DO NOT under ANY circumstances EVER again tell her to drive while suspected drunk with your children.

I second this. No 'proof' you can get is worth jeopardizing the safety of your children.

(Concerning the GPS)

I did this but she was on to me. So she parks her car and he picks her up to take her somewhere.

Could you put a "Find my phone" app on her phone so you can track where it goes?

[This message edited by Freeme at 10:09 PM, Friday, October 8th]

She has already threatened me with lawyers and her police buddies if I don’t give it to her.

Did she do this in over text or email? If so definitely make copies and keep them where she can’t find them. Show them to your lawyer.