EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 3:06 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
RealityBlows, thanks for your input. All good points and I would agree on all accounts.
This woman is dangerous. She can really hurt you. You've made yourself vulnerable to her in many ways.
I think the only way she can hurt me is through the kids. I have put up with so much over the years that there is nothing more she can do that would hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I am very vulnerable to her. I made it that way. I hoped that in a trusting relationship that both people are vulnerable to each other. However, in this relationship my vulnerability was taken advantage of. She has closed herself off and refused to let me in at a certain point. This allowed her to maintain relationships with other men while I had to wonder where she was and what she was doing.
Why you've put up with so much abuse, disrespect and humiliation.
Humiliation is the one I struggle with the most. We live in a fairly tight knit community, were there are probably about 2 or 3 degrees of separation between everyone. She has a tendency to talk poorly about me to her friends and family. I think she does this so she can justify her actions. In other words, nobody would be mad at a woman who is acting out because of a maniacal, overbearing, and controlling asshole. I have never understood why she does that, but I am almost embarrassed to go out in public because I always think that someone she knows sees me and either thinks that I’m a shitbag or that I deserve to get cheated on. I don’t talk that way about anyone. I don’t understand why someone would do that to the father of their children, not to mention your husband or your partner. She has always done that and it has never made any sense to me. I have always spoken in glowing terms about her to others, even when things are bad. Even if they aren’t true, I always want people to see her in a good light. I cannot understand the disconnect between how we want people to see each other.
EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 3:13 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
Blandy, your comment has been sticking with me for a while:
"She is not my wife, her finances are not my concern"
As simple as that one sentence is, it has caused me hours of deep thought. Strange how that happens. Sometimes the best way is the simplest way. But I completely agree and have gone down so many rabbit holes thinking about this. I really think that a dose of reality from living an upper middle class lifestyle to a "basically" poor, struggling to make rent and pay the electric will help her hit bottom sooner and go get herself some help. I don’t want to enable her, so her finances are not my concern.
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 4:49 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
I am very vulnerable to her. I made it that way. I hoped that in a trusting relationship that both people are vulnerable to each other.
You're at a disadvantage because you have boundaries, because you care about her-still love her and, because you play by the rules. She is not encumbered by any of these things. You're vulnerable because you invited her into your home with no real contract or mutually agreed expectations. You're vulnerable because of her proximity to you and her dependence on you-that you helped facilitate. You're vulnerable to false DV charges and court bias against men in custody disputes.
She has a tendency to talk poorly about me to her friends and family. I think she does this so she can justify her actions.
That is exactly why she does it and that's so very typical of unremorseful cheaters and basically anyone embarrassed by their own behavior. They rewrite marital history and will disparage you to justify their actions to themselves and others. It's very affective. They are pretty successful at convincing themselves that their actions are justified and somewhat successful at convincing others. They don't have to convince. All they have to do is poison the well enough to cause controversy.
The best you can do is separate yourself from the toxins and progressively increase the distance at every opportunity.
There's no problem too big you can't run away from! -joking.
And, live well. When others see you moving on, finding new love, taking good care of yourself, being genuinely happy, living a wholesome well adjusted life...they will come to their own conclusions.
And your kids will be watching. They will be watching your every move and, they too will learn how to be strong and survive adversity as they thrive in a safe and nurturing environment that you now provide. You will be the rock in their life.
You're a good Man. Don't let it put you at a disadvantage. Save that goodness for someone who deserves it and will reciprocate.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:55 AM, Sunday, October 10th]
EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 6:01 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
The way my brain functions is that I have to understand how everything works. I’m trying to understand her because for me it will be easier to deal with things. So I’m still meddling around trying to understand her behavior. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. So I decided to do a search for a mental illness that encapsulates all of her behaviors. I came across a subreddit r/BPDlovedones and started reading from the first post until I had to tap out. Just about each post perfectly described what I have been going through. My last message on here about how she talks bad about me is apparently called being "painted black". It is incredibly common with Borderline Personality Disorder. Holy shit. It all makes so much sense to me now. After we got divorced, she would occasionally try to get my attention with a random text or call, which is "Hoovering", where you always try to keep your exes on tap just in case. Every single behavior of hers fits the bill for BPD. Getting yelled at for not pushing the shopping cart incorrectly. A 2 hour berating for using the parking brake in your automatic SUV. Not vacuuming the floor in the correct pattern and paying for it for the rest of the day. The incredible sex and the cheating just to find that next conquest to fill her empty soul. All of it. BPD. There is no cure and VERY rarely does that person ever get better. The ones that do are typically single for 5-10 years and go through intensive therapy. The good news? It will never get better for her and the only solution is No Contact. The bad news? We have kids together and I will still have to talk to her from time to time. That gives her an "in" for trying to get at me.
I’m going to have to think on this a while. She has clearly either been misdiagnosed or (more realistically) she is not being completely honest with her psychiatrist, which is common with BPD. It fits her to a tee. It is her. It doesn’t make anything she has done right, even though she always feels justified and has never apologized. Ever. For anything. I’m not sure what to do with this information, but I feel incredibly empowered for some reason. This won’t change my approach at all right now. If anything, I think it strengthens my resolve. I read so much about how people felt sorry for the WW with BPD because they were conditioned over time to feel that way. I know I felt remorse even throughout all of the emotional abuse when we were married, but I am numb to it this second time around. I know that I came back to this relationship for the kids, and I will keep that focus. Their future cannot include her as a role model. It would show them a skewed view of what a relationship is supposed to be, and how adults are supposed to act. I cannot help perpetuate that behavior.
burcm ( member #55812) posted at 11:57 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
I lurk around in this forum from time to time and just read the stories of people. When I read your story I could not stop myself from commenting on your situation. The only thing I’m gonna say is that it’s one of the worst decisions in life to get back with a cheater, period. I’ve been reading the posts in this form for about five years and one conclusion that can certainly be drawn is that you move on with your life and start a new one regardless of how you feel towards your cheater. It’s not worth staying together with a cheater for the kids. This is my two cents worth and I hope that you will recover as time passes. Best of luck...
Divorced the XWW and remarried to a wonderful woman much higher in both quality and beauty.
HarryD ( new member #72423) posted at 5:43 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
You are dealing with someone who is out of there mind.
Nothing is going to make sense. She living in her own world. What changes each day. You can not have a relationship with a person like this. All she is going to do is bring you down to her level. Time to just move on. Try to keep your kids away from her. But remember mental illness is a gift that keeps on giving. As your kids may of gotten this illness from her.
sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:33 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
The way my brain functions is that I have to understand how everything works.
Well, you're lying to yourself. You're probably telling yourself something like, 'If I understand, I can control, and I can stop hurting.'
First, there's no way to understand everything.
Second, there's no way to understand the inner workings of someone else's mind. Hell, there's no way to understand the inner workings of your own mind, because your brain probably moves too fast to capture everything.
Third, you can't control situations. You can't control your XW. You have a lot of control over yourself and only yourself.
Look at your W's actual behavior.
Figure out the best way to respond when her behavior impacts you.
And remember: You're divorced. You're connected only by your kids and by the behavior she shows that impact you.
Nothing you've written indicates you're qualified to diagnose her. But diagnoses don't count anyway. Suppose your XW is simply a nasty person. Her behavior is what counts.
What support have you gotten for yourself? IC, pastor, good friend? It's especially difficult to go through this alone.
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:37 PM, Sunday, October 10th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:52 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:32 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
Hey, I too have fallen for people with personality disorders. They're incredible in bed. They're passionate. They're interesting-actually fascinating, with charisma, class, good taste, can be extremely intelligent with great, unusual senses of humor and are just basically a lot of fun to be with-at first. Then, down the road, you begin to see the dark side of these special people. It's really sad. You want to save them. You think, with an investment of love, you can help them, change them, and score an incredible life partner but, these people are Wildlings, you can't pin them down, they're aloof and adrift through life bouncing from one short term relationship to the next. They're restless and get bored easily. Irritated easily-especially when caged in a relationship. You can love them from afar, enjoy the brief time you get with them, then let them go. These people can't do long term relationships. They can be the ultimate consumers. They use you for your resources and repay you with brief good times then ditch you when they're done with you or when they get bored, leaving you a hot confused mess. They attract co-dependency. I've seen people put up and forgive all of their issues, abuse, cheating, neglect and bullshit, over and over and over again just to get another turn with them. They sometimes keep a constellation of lovers in their life, many of them co-dependent, that they cycle through. They have an insatiable appetite for novelty, diversity freedom and new experiences that no partner, in exclusivity, on this planet can solely provide for.
Appreciate the good times and experiences you got to have with her. Tuck them away in a special place and move on down the road.
EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021
I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice. It really does help me stay focused. I tried to take a day off yesterday with the kids and to watch some football and have a diversion for a bit. I typically will post what I’m feeling at the time, and I know if can diverge from my overall goals. My kids are first, then I’ll take care of myself. I’m still working on the details of how to do that, but I have a plan including custody. But my mind does wander from time to time, and I try to figure out the why. I appreciate that everyone keeps reminding me that there is no point in that. This situation isn’t logical. This situation just exists and I need to ride it out.
They're incredible in bed. They're passionate. They're interesting-actually fascinating, with charisma, class, good taste, can be extremely intelligent with great, unusual senses of humor and are just basically a lot of fun to be with-at first. Then, down the road, you begin to see the dark side of these special people. It's really sad.
I don’t think this could be said any better. Spoken from true experience. What I have learned over the past week is that even though I want her to get help, she has to want it and no amount of effort on my part would change that. I do however owe it to my kids to make sure they are safe. So I will make sure I do that through the court system. I do think that she is a danger to herself and a danger to me and the kids, so I will request a psych evaluation. Until then, we will sit uneasily watching movies at night while I keep one eye on the ring cams.
On a cosmic level, I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "What a strange trip this life is". And I smiled.