Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Same shit, but unmarried with kids

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 EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 11:41 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Could you put a "Find my phone" app on her phone so you can track where it goes?

No she guards it like Fort Knox. She also moved out last night so I don’t really have access anymore.


Did she do this in over text or email?

Yeah via text. I took screenshots and uploaded them already.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692306
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Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 2:07 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Dear Enlighted,

]

First I am sorry for my disregard for your horrible position, a situation that is heartbreaking. I suggested that you were not devastated and clearly that was out of line for me to say. Please accept my heartfelt apology.

She just texted me and asked me for $3k for an AirBnB for 2 months. I told her to come clean and I’ll consider it. Should I just bow and give it to her? Or should I try to make her work for it? She has already threatened me with lawyers and her police buddies if I don’t give it to her.

What you should do? If 3K is not a lot of money to you and with your lawyers understanding that this will help you with child custody. You would love to have her "abandon" the children and your home. So as I see it she is asking for too much but it could be worth it. Pay the ransom if it includes she will not see you or the house for two months. But my first thought is to tell her to pound sand you owe her nothing.

HER POLICE BUDDIES?! WTF is that about? This to me is truly scary, men with guns and power to worry about! I hope she put some of that in text so you have proof. You need a VAR (voice activated recorder) or ten now! She is going to try and use a false DA charge against you. If she works for the PD she has poisoned that well by now. Now your personal security seems at risk, how horrible that will be having to watch your back. Security systems at home. Front and rear dash cams.

May this end well soon;

Organic

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 2:13 AM, Saturday, October 9th]

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 141   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8692324
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 2:22 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Did she do this in over text or email?

Yeah via text. I took screenshots and uploaded them already.

Good. Communicate only through text and email as far as possible to keep a written record. Just remember it goes both ways. Before you hit send always reread it as if it’s being sent to the judge who will decide on custody.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 376   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8692325
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 EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 2:33 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

If 3K is not a lot of money to you and with your lawyers understanding that this will help you with child custody. You would love to have her "abandon" the children and your home. So as I see it she is asking for too much but it could be worth it. Pay the ransom if it includes she will not see you or the house for two months.

I agree that would be best. However, she is a cake eater. She said she wants to take the kids to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. She wants to spend the evening with them and then leave at bedtime. I’m really confused why she would want a situation like that. (Is there a sarcasm font?). $3k is not a lot of money for me, I can afford it, but she is broke right now. She wants me to take care of all of her financial needs, watch the kids, and let her go play at night. Sounds like a great deal for me. (Again, no sarcasm font?) I think I will be able to negotiate some terms about when she can see the kids so as not to intrude on our home while she "heals". Zero contact would not be an option, but I think minimal visitation would set a good precedent

I have a pretty solid home security system, including multiple cameras, pistols, and shotguns. You do bring up a good point about the dash cams, although I drive about a total of 4 miles a day. I also researched that using VAR’s without mutual consent is illegal in my state, but using an iPhone is not. Looks like I will be going that route.

BTW, I was not offended by your comment. I was feeling super strong and on track about 24 hours ago, but my confidence in what I’m doing is waning a little bit. I’m wavering on boundaries and how to implement them. I have been reading up on that all night but I’m still uncertain in my situation.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692328
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 2:38 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

She just texted me and asked me for $3k for an AirBnB for 2 months. I told her to come clean and I’ll consider it. Should I just bow and give it to her? Or should I try to make her work for it? She has already threatened me with lawyers and her police buddies if I don’t give it to her.

No. Her current boo thang or one of her cop buddies can hook her up.

She’s moved out. Change the locks and install cameras on your home.

Stop playing games with this woman, especially those that place your children at risk of harm. Pack anything left of her shit and drop it off at her mom’s. Finally move on from her and heal. No helping her out, no more making decisions solely on what’s most convenient for her. Prioritize your children, and then yourself. File for full custody. You wife is unsafe for them. She needs help.

Sincerely congratulations on your sobriety.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8692329
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 EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 3:08 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

No. Her current boo thang or one of her cop buddies can hook her up.

…except that they wouldn’t even foot the $400 bill for termination medication. No clue what she’s even doing with a clown who can’t come up with that amount of money to take care of his responsibilities. Or maybe she doesn’t know who it was. No idea. But point taken. Meeting with a custody lawyer early this week to gauge what I need to do or prove to get custody and cut the cord.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692331
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Organic2003 ( member #69811) posted at 3:10 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

However, she is a cake eater. She said she wants to take the kids to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon. She wants to spend the evening with them and then leave at bedtime.

Ok, then how close can you get to having her "pound sand" you owe her nothing.

Will she agree to no overnights.

I don't think agreement to come clean really matters now, you know the truth.

No children with boyfriends around

Heavy limits on picking up children

Change her legal address so you can rekey your home

No to her popping over and having the kids at your home

Start a list that is heavy in your favor and she can have a little money for an apartment with six month lease that you will cosign. You know that will suck but you know what is going on anyway.

No overnights

No Drinking or Drugs around children

Start a list that minimizes her contact and secures your children.

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 141   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8692332
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 3:13 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

…except that they wouldn’t even foot the $400 bill for termination medication. No clue what she’s even doing with a clown who can’t come up with that amount of money to take care of his responsibilities.

New mantra for you: "She is not my wife, her finances are not my concern"

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8692333
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 3:41 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Spend the $3k on your lawyer and get her out of your house ASAP, even if you have to sell it and move to do so.

Do not give her anything, stop enabling her behavior as you are just teaching her to continue to act the same way…she will never go away and leave you alone as long as you continue to throw money at her.

If you can get her to sign away custody to you in return for helping her out then great, but otherwise get her out of your house ASAP and pay her the absolute minimum the court requires.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3381   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8692337
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:35 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

DO NOT GIVE HER a single penny, if you give her money for all you know she could just give it to OM, go gambling, take a vacation, etc., brother are you seriously considering giving her anything at this point ? You need to contact a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, do it for your children, this unhinged woman is putting their lives in danger, now she's playing the extortion card, you need solid legal advice PRONTO !!!

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8692342
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:45 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I agree with the other members.

Do not give her any money. She is not your wife, you are not obligated to give her a penny.

Use that money wisely and invest in a shark attorney. You need to protect your children.

posts: 11265   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8692353
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:40 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I would see a lawyer first. Get his/her view of the situation.

Personally, if 3k is not a lot and you document it ...get information out of her for it for the PI (Where she is going to live...) I'd probably give it to her so she can continue her downward spiral and you can get evidence of it. I wouldn't want this woman living in the house with me and the kids right now.

Do you really believe she will be able to keep up the daily visits with the kids? Do you really believe she will be sober during any and all of these visits? If don't believe she will do this document every visit... and keep a running record of everything. From what I've read... I believe these are empty promises. If she stops showing up you can document it all and have a much firmer case for her abandoning the children.

I know I'm the only one saying to give her the money but my reason is that it might push the process along and make everything easier for you in the long wrong.

Again, talk to a lawyer.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8692357
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 EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 6:22 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Wow. Whirlwind morning for us. This morning I asked my ex where she has been staying and she told me to go fuck myself. She said she is staying in an AirBnB. So I asked her again and she said nobody wants her and she was going to shoot herself or me. I called the police because she is mentally unhinged and I am worried she will hurt herself or someone else. They found her at her new "friend’s" apartment, but she said she has been sleeping in her car. Ok. She has 4 family members with houses within a 15 mile radius and she’s sleeping in a car. Got it. Anyways, she told them that she wasn’t going to hurt herself but that she was really angry with me because I’m such an asshole. They weren’t able to detain her for a psych evaluation based on that interaction. The officer then told me to go file for a court ordered psych evaluation for her. So I went down to file, but the offices for that service are closed until Tuesday AM. (Monday is a holiday). So instead I got a protective order until Tuesday that keeps her away from any contact with me or the kids. Have to go file for a mandatory psych evaluation then, and get an extension on the protective order. Wednesday is the lawyer. Should be a busy week.

I’m hoping for my kids sake that she can get some help and become a normal member of society. She has spiraled into such a dark abyss. I’m willing to help her a little bit for my kids sake, but our relationship is more than over. Unfortunately, my kids do need her in their life, so I will always have to deal with her on some level. I’m going to need her to be mentally stable if we will ever interact again.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692383
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:16 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I’m hoping for my kids sake that she can get some help and become a normal member of society. She has spiraled into such a dark abyss. I’m willing to help her a little bit for my kids sake, but our relationship is more than over. Unfortunately, my kids do need her in their life, so I will always have to deal with her on some level. I’m going to need her to be mentally stable if we will ever interact again.

Brother this is a huge mistake, you can't save her, she will have to do that on her own if she comes around and has the will power to do it, do not waste a penny on her, use that money to go for full custody, should not be that hard in her current state and if she continues her destructive path, continue to document and report everything to the authorities if necessary, that will eventually help your custody battle.

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8692387
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 7:16 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

You are dealing with the lesser of two evils. The choices you have about your ww should be based solely on the best interest of your children.

I wrote this to another poster. I had a coworker who was brought up in a house with an alcoholic. She said every child in the family was given a role to play even though it was never expressed it was definitely there. She was the good one, one sister was a druggie and one had mental issues. You do not want your children becoming one of these kids. Just remember your family is as healthy as a sickest person in it so you’ve got a pretty sick family.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8692386
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 EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 7:25 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Brother this is a huge mistake, you can't save her, she will have to do that on her own if she comes around and has the will power to do it, do not waste a penny on her, use that money to go for full custody, should not be that hard in her current state and if she continues her destructive path, continue to document and report everything to the authorities if necessary, that will eventually help your custody battle.

I agree. To be more specific, I meant I was willing to assist her in getting professional help. I didn’t mean I would give her money. I can do the research for her but I feel she has to want to get better in order for that to happen. I don’t think she has hit rock bottom yet in order for her to want to get better. If I give her money I feel like I am facilitating a delay in her needing to get help.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692388
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 7:39 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

If I give her money I feel like I am facilitating a delay in her needing to get help.

I agree. I think you're on the right track. I hope things settle down soon for all of you and that she gets the help that she needs.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 547   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692390
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:40 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

One sign of wanting to change is doing one's own research. My reco is to leave research about her healing to her.

She's a product of her family; that may be why she sleeps in her car. Or a Airbnb. If you help financially, can you pay a bill or 2 directly to the person she owes the money to?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692391
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 EnlightenMe (original poster new member #79465) posted at 7:47 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

If you help financially, can you pay a bill or 2 directly to the person she owes the money to?

Not sure that I want to help her at all financially. I’m thinking about custody and child support on top of that. She needs to get hit square in the face with reality.


I also sent her a heartfelt email yesterday about what she’s done and how it has affected me and the kids. I just wanted to let her know she is hurting me and both kids, not just me. I also told her I’m not trying to stop her, she can go do her thing, but that she can’t get the kids mixed up in it. It was a really personal thing that took me an hour to write. I felt I bared my soul, not to get her back, but to let her go. I saw this morning that she forwarded it to one of her female friends, which I think is a really fucked up thing to do.

Anyways, Still haven’t seen her since Thursday. She won’t tell us where she is or if she’s ok. Had to tell the kids today that mommy is really sick and we’re trying to get her the right medicine to get better. I don’t know what else I could have told them, but they seemed to understand. I think they know that she is not all there anymore.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8692393
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 2:24 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

"Same Shit But Unmarried With Kids"

You need to extricate you and your kids from this woman as quickly and safely as possible. Good job consulting an attorney. Good job with the requests for RO's. Good job calling the cops when she threatens suicide. Make sure you document any suicidal ideology. Save any texts. Record any verbalized suicidal ideation. Record any threats she makes to you. Gather any evidence that demonstrates any danger to self or children or her ability to care for the children. Carry a VAR on you at all times. Try to only communicate with her via an attorney or with a witness.

This woman is dangerous. She can really hurt you. You've made yourself vulnerable to her in many ways.

Yes, of course, she's cheating on you-with multiple men. She has zero boundaries and impulse control that commonly goes with her particular mental condition. No further need to spy except to observe and document her behavior around and concerning the kids.

When this is all said and done with, you're going to have to take a long look at yourself and ask why and how you've placed yourself back into this horrible situation. Why you've put up with so much abuse, disrespect and humiliation.

I know you feel bad for her but, you can't save her. You can't save someone who isn't at all interested in saving themselves and, is not at all interested in yours or your children's welfare. You're outgunned daddy-o. She needs an army of therapists. All the love in the world isn't going to make her well again but, you can save the kids. You HAVE to save the kids. You have a responsibility to protect these kids and use all your resources to provide them a safe haven and wholesome nurturing environment.

I suggest you focus ALL of your efforts and attention there. NOT on her or your hopeless relationship with her.

Again, be careful with the extrication process. She may have certain residency rights to your house. Follow attorney guidance.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:38 AM, Sunday, October 10th]

posts: 666   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8692443
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