I was going to respond to some posters, there is a lot here to really think about. However, WH and I had another conversation that just has me more confused, angry, upset, and reeling all over again.
Something that he said during the first conversation kept bothering me. He said that I kept adding to my list of dealbreakers, so I asked him about it. Asked what exactly was on my list. He said he couldn't remember it all, but that I had for sure said those words before (hmm, so, apparently I told him I had dealbreakers, but he doesn't remember what they are? Guess they weren't important). The one thing he said was that one of my dealbreakers was no more lying. Well, to my recollection I NEVER said "dealbreaker" except for the last conversation we had, because like some have suggested, I wasn't sure it would be, or that I would be able to walk away if he committed it.
We went round and round, with him insisting I said the word, and me saying that I didn't. I told him that most of the boundaries I had asked for I didn't make dealbreakers because I knew that if we moved forward, if trust began to be established again, that those boundaries would shift. I also told him that I was tired of having to fight for everything I asked for. It's like I have to write a dissertation and make my argument for him to even consider whether he will deliver on it or not! I have to convince him that he should do it instead of him just doing it because I asked. (also, I realized that he never once has told me that he will do anything and everything to make this up to me, to help me, help us, to give me what I need etc. Not once)
Anyway, I said that I didn't understand why it was so difficult for him, and that I had to "make" him do things and he still feels that I am controlling and micromanaging what he can and can't do. To me, since he feels this way, and, like someone else said, is not WILLING to do whatever it takes, then he is going to end up resenting me for it. Or, will just go right back to doing whatever he wants because he's only doing it to get me off his case and not because he wants and is WILLING to do it for me, for us.
Am I making sense?
He said that I shouldn't ascribe what I would feel to him. That yes he does feel controlled and micromanaged but that if it was a problem, he would speak up, not hold resentment. I said that if I was in his shoes, I would be doing everything I could to R and to help him heal. I would do what he asked without needing him to explain to me why he needed it (within reason of course). He got angry and told me that no, I wouldn't because if that was true, then I would have changed. That he'd been asking me for years to change and I never did (we're talking more sex here). I told him that cheating is a different animal and not the same as normal M issues! That if I had cheated, I would be moving heaven and earth to make it better!
Then somehow, this turned into the issue of MY fidelity! According to him, people he talked to (I don't know what people) during our M said that if I wasn't having sex with him, then I was having it with someone else! This hit me like a ton of bricks and it was all I could do to stop myself from slapping the everloving shit out of him!
This was something he told me a while ago that the OW had said to him too. I didn't go further into it, since at the time it was all too raw. But during this conversation I reminded him of what he'd told me. And asked how she knew we weren't having sex. Of course he told her! And frustratingly said that we had already talked about it and he'd told me. I said that I had asked him if he had ever said anything negative about me to her and he'd said no. To which he replied, again rather angrily, that talking about M issues was not negative. I said, "you were talking about our M issues with the woman you were fucking. Yes, that is negative, and I guarantee that's exactly how she saw it!" The fuck!??? I mean, it's not like he was talking to a therapist or a friend!
At this point I could no longer continue the conversation. I was livid! There were other things in there too, about his history with shit boundaries, and I said that I never gave him a reason to suspect I had ever cheated, to which he brought up one incident of me "flirting" with another man through an online game. At the time when he asked about it, I agreed I had crossed a line. I let the man know I was no longer going to be talking/playing with him. When he did not stop trying to talk to me, I stopped playing the game all together, I apologized to my WH and the incident made me reinforce my boundaries. So, that was ONE...amongst his myriad of inappropriate interactions with other women. He even admitted that had I done the things he did, he would have divorced me!
There was another blast about me not changing (still) in regards to sex (hmm, wonder why I'm not feeling like taking my clothes off). Which really set me off too.
He did come back and apologize, but here's the thing, we effectively stopped talking about what I wanted to talk about. He made an inflammatory comment and I fell for it again! I'm feeling so fucking drained! We have talked about if this doesn't work out, that we can stay together until our youngest graduates and decide what to do after that. I'm thinking at this point that I'm done trying to drag the fucking horse to water! I'm exhausted and I'm not the one that's supposed to be doing the heavy lifting. And with the realization that he has never really contemplated, let alone worked on, doing anything and everything to R, well...
Yes, I will continue to limp along. No, I will not treat him like shit, or turn away, hell, I might even give sex a try, go for that, I get mine, you get yours, and leave it at that! I'm not interested in any other relationship. I've known for a long time that if this M is over, I'd rather live alone, be alone. I've never been! It's kind of exciting to think about! I also know that seeing things from the outside is so much easier than from the inside. You get to a point were you just think, he's not as bad as some...But I'm only fooling myself. I'll give it till Jan when we see the MC and see how I feel at that time. It might not even matter by then, because I doubt he will do anything when I take my hands off the wheel. But I'm done begging for the things I need. Isn't he the one that's supposed to be begging?