Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

General :
Boundary vs. Ultimatum

default

PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 5:36 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

fournlau, that sounds like a conversation with my 12 year old son. All the diversions, the lack of taking responsibility, etc. I've been trying my damndest to get it out of him now because I'm not going to allow my kid to grow up and treat someone like this in a relationship! And since he's my child, I can darn well make that statement.

Nothing your WH was raising was relevant in the slightest. You don't deserve to be treated in this manner.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 710   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8692532
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:21 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I agree with Dee. At the same time, what stands out for me is that you recognized your H hooked you and avoided talking about what you wanted to talk about. You've known this all along, but this time seems different.

And using your H for your own sexual gratification could be a step forward. OTOH, if your H takes sex as confirmation that you'll rug sweep, it won't help R, but ... if he does that, he's not R material anyway. If that's the case (and it looks like it is), at least you have a chance for satisfying sex for a while.

I think you're healing, sister. I think you're doing good stuff for yourself, as painful as that may be.

*****

...I have a boundary "I cannot be in a marriage with unaddressed adultery."

...

These are things I have flexibility on so that I don't have to turn the situation into a showdown.

But that's the thing - if it's really a boundary, and if someone violates it, there MUST BE a showdown.

Also, boundaries must be observable. 'I cannot be in a marriage with unaddressed adultery' is NOT A BOUNDARY unless 'addressed' is defined. Once you define 'addressed', you can observe your WS and see if she's honoring your boundary or not.

If you want to avoid showdowns, you do not have boundaries.

*****

Boundary vs. Ultimatum...

'If you lie again, I'll file for D.' Is that a boundary or an ultimatum.

If your answer isn't 'yes', which is it? And how would the idea be worded to be the other option?

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:22 PM, Sunday, October 10th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692542
default

 fournlau (original poster member #71803) posted at 12:09 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Nothing your WH was raising was relevant in the slightest. You don't deserve to be treated in this manner.

Thank you for this. I feel the same way, like I said, he threw out a red herring and I chased after it. But at least I'm learning, I would have never seen this before. What he said was so hurtful and unnecessary! Simply because HE was uncomfortable and didn't want to discuss the A.

I think you're healing, sister. I think you're doing good stuff for yourself, as painful as that may be.

Some days it feels like I'm sliding backwards, but, when I look at how much I've thrown off those rose colored glasses and can see clearer now, it's astounding. The sad part it, I know there is more that I am still not seeing clearly, but I hope to one day be completely confident that I can no longer be manipulated, gaslit, lied to, etc. without me immediately seeing it for what it is.

I will no longer tolerate any of it! I don't care if it makes him uncomfortable or not. Is that healing? I hope so.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
id 8692584
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211015 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy