I agree with Dee. At the same time, what stands out for me is that you recognized your H hooked you and avoided talking about what you wanted to talk about. You've known this all along, but this time seems different.
And using your H for your own sexual gratification could be a step forward. OTOH, if your H takes sex as confirmation that you'll rug sweep, it won't help R, but ... if he does that, he's not R material anyway. If that's the case (and it looks like it is), at least you have a chance for satisfying sex for a while.
I think you're healing, sister. I think you're doing good stuff for yourself, as painful as that may be.
...I have a boundary "I cannot be in a marriage with unaddressed adultery."
These are things I have flexibility on so that I don't have to turn the situation into a showdown.
But that's the thing - if it's really a boundary, and if someone violates it, there MUST BE a showdown.
Also, boundaries must be observable. 'I cannot be in a marriage with unaddressed adultery' is NOT A BOUNDARY unless 'addressed' is defined. Once you define 'addressed', you can observe your WS and see if she's honoring your boundary or not.
If you want to avoid showdowns, you do not have boundaries.
Boundary vs. Ultimatum...
'If you lie again, I'll file for D.' Is that a boundary or an ultimatum.
If your answer isn't 'yes', which is it? And how would the idea be worded to be the other option?
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:22 PM, Sunday, October 10th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.