Newest Member: Butterfly19

General :
So much has changed!!

happy

 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 8:45 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Seven years ago yesterday I joined SI smile . I had been lurking for a while...trying to understand all the danged abbreviations laugh . (If you click on "The Healing Library" you will see a list of the abbreviations). I was a little over two months past Dday when I joined...and in desperate need of some HELP. Since no one else in our family or friend circle knew about my H's A...the ONLY person I could talk to about it was the person who put me in infidelity HELL crying .

One day...when I was having suicidal thoughts...I was researching how to survive infidelity...and this site came up grin . What a Godsend!!! My life slowly but surely started getting more sane...and I give ALL the credit to the wonderful ANGELS on here who sent me encouragement and HOPE smile . God was speaking to me through THEM...and their words were like water for my parched soul...I soaked everything in!

I looked at my profile today...and what I wrote way back then differs somewhat from how I feel now. I cringed when I saw the word "mistake" in there! I learned very quickly on here that my H did not make a mistake when he had his A. He made a CHOICE to look for NSA sex while working alone overseas. The mistake he made was in thinking he could keep this secret from me!

Also...I had read other articles that said some marriages get stronger after affairs. I took it to mean that the affair can make a marriage stronger...and I wrote that also in my profile. NO! There is NOTHING about my H's affair that made our marriage anything but OVER. I have come to realize that EVERY affair is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. The M we had was NEVER going to come back to where it was. However...we COULD make a new deal smile . There were new parameters...new goals...new perspectives to this new deal. WE worked HARD at what I like to call our Mv2.0..and from THAT...our M became stronger grin .

All of this took TIME...which the vets on here said was needed. I couldn't fathom back then that it would take this much time!! But these wise people kept letting me know that this was a marathon...not a sprint smile . I am a little slower than most in my healing...but I saw that there was progress...and that kept encouraging me smile .

There were also times when I felt this was all so UNFAIR!! I would get exhausted trying to get through the minefield of triggers without setting them off. WHY did this happen to ME mad ???!!! Yes...I wallowed in that self pity pit for WAY too long...until I realized that wasn't going to get me anywhere. I HAD to learn what I needed to do to HEAL. Failure was NOT an option. So I got myself out of that muck and started working on ME. Ahhhhhh...that was when things started getting better grin .

I am now to the point that I finally get what I have read others say on here...My H's A was NOT about ME. Now THAT bit of advice was very hard for me to swallow at first. OF COURSE it was about ME!!! How could it NOT be about ME???!!! I was the one who was DESTROYED...BROKEN...never to be WHOLE again while THEY were able to relive memories of THEIR fabulous time "playing house". The whole time THEY were together...they were LAUGHING at me for my gullible way of believing and trusting my H when he told me I was being silly for feeling that something was OFF between us crying . THEY PLAYED ME...and I was too stupid to realize how THEY were manipulating me. I could go on and on with this. It HAUNTED me for months.

This year something changed though smile . I went through A season without much pain...looking at it through an analytical lens. I have finite times...not estimates...of when THEY were together because of my H being overseas. He had to keep detailed records for his expenses...hours he worked...etc. in order to get paid. I looked at the evidence I had gathered years ago...reviewed it as if looking at a stranger's profile. A whole new picture appeared in my head of THEM during this time. THEY didn't play ME...THEY PLAYED EACH OTHER laugh !!! I could see the manipulation from each of them in the places they went...the time they spent together...even where they had sex. Even though it was torture years ago to "see" their A through all the time stamped receipts...phone calls...emails...etc...it was quite fascinating to really LOOK at these dates and times without the emotional pain involved. THEIR "relationship" was all FAKE!!!

I saw what I was doing back then as well smile . There was NOTHING fake about ME grin . I was a loving wife who was giving her husband TRUST. I haven't changed my core! I was NOT destroyed...just battered. I was NOT broken...just bent. I never lost ANY piece of ME!! I couldn't see it then because of all the PAIN but I sure can see it so clearly now grin ! My battered psyche has healed smile . I straightened that bent part back up and I am standing TALL again! Well...as tall as someone a little over 5 feet can stand laugh !!! I found the parts of me that I thought were gone forever...and I shined them back up to GLEAMING...better than ever grin !!

I can't speak as eloquently as some of the Angels who helped me on here...but I can say for certain that I SURVIVED infidelity...and THRIVED despite it smile . If I can do it...ANYONE can grin !!! THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me on this journey. I truly appreciate ALL that the wonderful people on SI have done!! Here's to another 7 years...of being HAPPY AGAIN grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8691457
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Moderator #29447) posted at 9:03 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

What a great update!

I love your positivity and encouragement grin

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14312   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8691458
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 9:05 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

I'm so happy for you, and I want to be here so bad.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 129   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8691459
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 9:46 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

WalkinOnEggshelz ...thank you!! I am honored to have you post on my thread grin !! You helped ME so much in understanding things from a Wayward's perspective in the posts that you made way back when smile . I really appreciate all that YOU do for this wonderful site!!

Felix12306 ...thank you! You are exactly where you NEED to be right now Dear Lady (((HUGS))). You do not want to rush this...or rugsweep it. Honestly...I did just that from my 1st M after I caught my 1st H cheating...and all it brought me was another Dday when I caught him with a different adultery co-conspirator about 2 years later crying . You would think I would have said ENOUGH at that point...but I didn't want to feel that pain. This is one path where we can't rush the outcome. However...your posts are very insightful and show more maturity than I did when I was first on here smile . I can ASSURE you though that you WILL heal...there IS hope...and life CAN be very GOOD again grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8691460
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

What an awesome post! Cheers to you!

posts: 1537   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8691461
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:46 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Great, positive post. Congratulations on the work you have done to get you to where you are!

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8691471
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 1:44 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Charity411...thank you!

Bigger...thank you! I feel a little intimidated...like I am replying to a celebrity on here smile . YOU are definitely one of those Angels I needed to listen to!! THANK YOU for staying on here and HELPING so many people...more people than you probably even realize...with your wise posts grin .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8691535
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:42 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Neat! Congratulations!

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8691551
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

sisoon...thank you!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8691572
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:11 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Great post!!! I have always referred to you as the calm in the storm. The one thing you have helped me realize is how truly pathetic the A was. Early on, I put a lot of effort in competing with the AP. You showed me how it was 2 broken people trying to make something from nothing. They were lying to themselves and each other. Her A was awkward and full of anxiety. There is no competition and with that understanding my self esteem improved greatly and the triggers became more manageable. I appreciate everything you have done for me and my W.

Emoji Blast

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 750   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8691995
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 2:03 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Tanner... aww ...thanks Coozann for the emoji blast grin !!! I couldn't believe what I was seeing...right before my eyes all this time...how MUCH manipulation there was in my H's A...on BOTH sides duh . Here I was thinking how THEY were playing ME...and had this connection. But there was absolutely NO connection...and the playing was all done to EACH OTHER laugh !!!

I used to think of it as a curse to be able to "see" all of the interactions going on from the evidence I had. But now it is a huge BLESSING smile . What I thought about THEM in the beginning was ALL in my head...like the movies are made of...pure fantasy. The REALITY was lost on all of us in this drama triangle at first. But the TRUTH always comes out...and the TRUTH sure set me FREE grin !!

You are so right Cuz...there truly is no competition. An A starts when a broken person puts out feelers until they find another broken person...it can only be LOSE-LOSE. However...having an R where BOTH spouses are ALL IN...it ALWAYS turns out to be WIN-WIN grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8692140
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 2:23 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Soooooooooo happy to read your post.

Your H is VERY lucky to have you...I hope he knows that!!!!!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8692142
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 Want2BHappyAgain (original poster member #45088) posted at 3:01 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

WhatsRight...YOU were one of my first Angels grin !!! Thank you so much for honoring me with your post...and I believe my H knows wink .

I have memorized your tagline quotes...and I often thought about these two wonderful ladies who said them smile . I read about your struggles...and I picture you as them. I KNOW you have the attitude that will overcome the struggle du jour. I PRAY that one day you will have PEACE Dear Lady smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5612   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8692190
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