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Just Found Out :
Thinking I feel a change in the wind

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 holdfast2 (original poster new member #79339) posted at 10:49 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

My wife began a limerent OEA back in January (2021) which later turned to PA. A recent change in her words and behavior makes me think the limerence is fading...

[Redacted by OP]

[This message edited by holdfast2 at 6:26 PM, Monday, October 4th]

BH(46). WW(46). M 20 years (friends 32 years). 4 kids. DDay1 Fall'06. DDay2 Apr '21

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2021
id 8691353
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 11:00 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

Welcome to SI. You will get a lot of advice, some which may be extremely hard for you to hear. Please stay with us.

Now for some tough love. Your wife flat out does not respect you. Her affair is all her fault, let's be clear about that. But let's look at your actions in the meanwhile. So your wife openly has a boyfriend, and your response to this is to let her stay in the marriage AND try to win her back, hoping SHE makes the decision to stay? Seriously?

It NEVER works. See, you are letting yourself be treated extremely badly like a simp, and a woman cannot respect a simp. And if a woman cannot respect you, she cannot love you.

I hope you discover your anger, and more importantly your self-respect.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:05 PM, Saturday, October 2nd]

posts: 297   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8691354
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:00 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

Man, you need to stop being so incredibly passive. You are sharing YOUR WIFE with another man. And you are just waiting around to see who she chooses??

So what if OM isn't as wonderful as she thinks,then she will come back to you??

You're OK with being Plan B??

And this horrible mother has introduced her children to this man? This is the worst of everything you wrote. What a fool she is. Does she not realise that predators prey on women with small children, so they have access to those children? She really knows nothing about this man, other than what he tells her. And she has taken your young children to spend weeks in his home?

She's a danger to those kids.

File. File for full and immediate custody. What she is doing is reckless, abusive,and those kids are at great risk.

Come on,man. You need to wake up. Stop allowing this women to expose your kids to this man.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:02 PM, Saturday, October 2nd]

posts: 3733   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8691355
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:15 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

DD/28 was very vocal against A at the beginning, and has since backed off out of frustration; she still wants us to R, but has told me to just let WW go, because she thinks it would be better for my mental health. (My wife is has had a number of behavioral issues over the years, and eldest DD and I have been the most negatively affected by these episodes, so DD is responding to me out of empathy and her own past hurts.)

Your daughter is a smart cookie. And no I don't think it is due to 'empathy and her own past hurts' - I think it is because getting cheated on sucks, but running a close second is watching someone you love get blatantly disrespected in such a revolting manner and them not doing anything about it.

Could it be that she's really getting off the fence? Could she really be giving this, giving ME, thoughtful consideration, instead of just acting like a love-struck zombie? Maybe the limerence is fading, and she's examining her true feelings for AP, not just lusting for him and the attention he pays her.

Nope. She is not caring about you or considering you at all in this. Why would she? She's been behaving like a dingbat teenager for months and has gotten no resistance from you on it. This thing suits her just fine - she gets the respectability of being a married lady and also gets to go get some D on the side and be in luuuuurve with some douche. And just curious, but is your money paying for her sexy plane tickets and her road trips with your children???

I am so sorry you're here - but my friend... DUDE. Your wife is in an active affair. She is introducing your kids to this POS. She is jerking you around and being extremely mentally and emotionally abusive to you (and to her children too btw). And you are telling her you love her and..........

This ride stops when you tell her this sitch is NOT okay (because it isn't) and you DEMAND the respect you 100% deserve as her husband. She either chooses your M, or you file.

Keep reading and posting.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8691357
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:30 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

The pick me dance just lowers your status and makes you look weak while making her shiny new boyfriend look even better and stronger.

What do you love? She’s a lying, cheater. Wake up to the reality that she doesn’t care about you at all or you’ll get more of what you’ve gotten.

Her words are nothing but bullshit. She’s eating cake at your expense.

From what I’ve seen pastors are worthless in these situations.

The only one keeping you in limbo is yourself. Get a good attorney.

She’s made her decision. It’s not you. She’s just stringing you along.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:33 PM, Saturday, October 2nd]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691358
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 11:57 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

This is going to be a bit harsh. You might not like what I have to say, but it's necessary that you hear this. Your WW is playing you for a fool, and you've just taken it. She has disrespected you in the worst possible way and you have allowed it. Your pickme dance has utterly failed you. It never ever works. Stop this nonsense immediately. Start the 180. You can find a very good description of in the healing library above.

Do a hard 180 for starters. Don't act butt hurt. Just withdraw. Do it now.
*Stop sleeping in the same bed. Either kick your WS out of the bedroom (this is preferable as YOU didn’t wander) or you move into another room for the time being.
*Stop providing physical affection. You can always receive affection, if you want, but you can also simply not initiate affection. They'll get the message.
*Stop having sex with her.
*Cook for you and your kids only. Or maybe stop cooking for a few weeks, say you're tired and just order takeout.
*Start arranging for social outings in the evening in the middle of the week without her.
*Get a new wardrobe.
*Exercise regularly - hit a 24 hour gym with a good weight room and do it at night after the kids are asleep. It's a great stress reliever and gets you out of the house away from WS.
*Go on a trip without your WS (or just take a Saturday and go off in the woods or something by yourself).
*Stop sitting on a couch and watching movies or TV with your WS.
*Stop living in your WS’s world. Start living in yours.

I copied the following from another site that may not be named here. But it is pertinent:

No WW/WH is a "good candidate for R." R is a gift that no cheater deserves. It’s altruistic, self sacrificing. Optimistically, it takes several years to progress. Pessimistically, it may never. You could invest another decade of your life into her only to have her degrade herself and fall for the next grimy toad who gives her a little attention.
It’s simple. Over the next year, five years, ten years, do you envision your life being better or worse with her? DO YOU THINK THIS WOMAN IS WORTH THE RETURN ON THE EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT, WORK, and PAIN OF R? Can you handle existing in a reality where every instance of infidelity in a movie or TV show gives you a flashback and you glance over at your WW with a feeling of disgust that you just can’t ever fully shake?
If yes, listen to the rest of the gang here begging you to R.
If not, get the hell out, divorce, and request that a moderator move this thread to the divorce section of the forum.
It’s truly up to you. Remember, you’re on an entire forum where people’s spouses have degraded themselves, betrayed there partners, and been used by complete scumbags. What amounts to "good" here is dogshit by the standards of a healthy marriage.
"She’s a good candidate for R"
Dear god. Have we all forgotten that good marriages and good people don’t ever have to think about D or R? Have we forgotten that happy couples wouldn’t know what the hell the acronyms here even mean?
PERSPECTIVE.
I bet you all the marbles that some goobers are going to reply with divorce and infidelity statistics, trying to convince you that really cheating is just so common, denying the existence of happy loyal couples, denying the existence of men/women who can keep it in their pants.
You kept it in your pants. All the BWs here kept it in their pants. Billions of people around the world keep it in their pants. Take everything here with a fat grain of salt, including my own words. Remember that basic psychology is always at play.
People will always be projecting their own situations onto you’re, viewing it through their own lens, and even trying to backwards rationalize their decisions vicariously through you.
You’re your own man. You have autonomy. Nobody can take that from you. This was a heavy handed reply, but this thread is beginning to sound like a bunch of teenage girls crying over romcom, not a bunch of grown men trying to support another man who has made a damned choice for himself.

I hope you begin to take control of your life. Up to now, you've allowed your WW to control things. It's time for you to step up and do what you need to do that is best for you and your kids.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 251   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8691359
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 11:59 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

I have only a simple piece of advice for you.

Since her AP is some distance away, keep in mind that she can simply put YOUR children into her car and drive away and you can do nothing about it…if you take no action.

Following the above comments, you need to get a lawyer and do whatever is needed to protect your parental rights, and prevent her from taking YOUR kids out of state…even if that means D.

Aside from your WW and her A, you need to wake up and protect YOUR kids!

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3381   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8691360
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 12:05 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

cannot understand. Do you depend on her in all aspects for your survival? Remember at 46 she is fast losing her physique and POS, as they are, throw her away after he had his fun. Probably you are waiting for such an eventuality.

Forget about her. do your things even better - job prospects, getting fit, getting in the better frame of mind (despite the situation). It is sexy to keep your head high in the face of adversity. Even the cheaters notice it

[This message edited by goalong at 12:10 AM, Sunday, October 3rd]

posts: 777   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8691362
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:22 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

So she met this guy online. BTW, what the hell was she doing online looking for some guy? If this affair doesn't work out, what will stop her from going back online and find someone else. We don't know the history of your marriage, whether she has cheated before, the length of your marriage, your financial situation, or the dynamics of your relationship. But we can pretty well guess who runs it.

I will be blunt. Respect yourself and file for divorce immediately. This is one of the more disgusting stories I have read in this forum. How dare she treat you like dog shit? That is what she is doing. You should not love her. You need someone to knock some sense into you to help you get out of this abusive relationship. To take the children across the country to meet this POS is beyond belief. She is still married to you and doing this crap right in your face.

But I suspect she is treating you like she always has in your relationship. Her wants and needs come first and your life is secondary. That is my suspicion. She would not be so brazen but for the fact that you have been a doormat during this marriage. If she looked at you as an equal partner she never would have pulled this stunt.

Get into therapy with someone who can build you up so that you can stand up for yourself. Your WW is utterly disgusting and you are enabling her by accepting her behavior. If you aren't going to divorce her, go find a girlfriend. She has got to be better than what you are married to.

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8691363
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 12:34 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

HoldFast,

By being this passive, you are making a decision not to protect YOUR FAMILY. You are letting down your son and daughter.

I don't think you understand what an urgent situation you are in right now, and how important it is for you to stop being so passive.

posts: 297   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8691365
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:28 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

holdfast2:

Very sorry you are here. You have received some great advice. It may seem harsh but I think people are truly outraged for you at your WW’s betrayal. The goal here is to get out of infidelity. So far your actions have trapped you even further into infidelity. Read in the healing library. Lots of good info there. Are you in therapy? If not you might consider it. At least to me it seems that your wife is blatantly abusive to you. She does it because she is confident you will do nothing.

The issue for you is not really your WWs infidelity. The issue is your own lack of self respect demonstrated by your tolerance of your WW’s actions. At least to my mind, the only thing worse than living alone as a divorced BH, is living in hell with a WW who does not respect you or value you. That is no way to live. If you divorce what have you lost? A WW who ridicules you and treats you like garbage. Even if the winds change and she decides to bestow her wonderfulness on you for a while longer, you will still be stuck with her disrespect.

Get stronger for you. See an attorney, file for D, and have her served without warning. Always value yourself. Period.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:30 PM, October 2nd (Saturday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8691368
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 1:33 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Man, this is so hard to read. After all this time, all you did is going she changes her mind and pick you? And you are so elated that she pick you more than AP. She is your wife and you shouldn't have to compete for her love.

I am sorry and being harsh. But you need to steel up your spine pronto.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8691369
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 holdfast2 (original poster new member #79339) posted at 1:52 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

[Redacted by OP]

[This message edited by holdfast2 at 6:27 PM, Monday, October 4th]

BH(46). WW(46). M 20 years (friends 32 years). 4 kids. DDay1 Fall'06. DDay2 Apr '21

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2021
id 8691371
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:47 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

You can love her all you want but if she doesn’t love you it doesn’t leave you with much.

Your actions at this time tell her she can do as she pleases and that’s exactly what she’s doing.

She doesn’t feel the same for you obviously.

What you don’t get is attraction is a big part of it and you are acting unattractive.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691372
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:50 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

We are all human, which means we all make mistakes

An affair is a decision or choice it’s not a mistake.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691373
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 2:57 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

I'm sure our youngest two, ages 9 and 6, don't really understand what's going on or why mommy is sharing a bedroom with her "friend".)

Don't be so sure. Are your children the pawns in this unconditional love? They aren't a priority in your comprehensive IMPORTANT PARTS outline above. Besides the "two parents" bit. Which doesn't really benefit them if one parent is giving them a master class on how to betray a marriage and get away with it. Or demonstrating how to be irresponsible. ETC ETC.

For the record, I made it clear to her that I was not okay with her taking the kids. I told her that I could have blocked her from doing so legally. I chose not to add any animosity to our already-broken relationship, because I knew it would make D much more certain and R nearly impossible. At the end of the day, I chose to take a risk, I chose to place trust in the person who had violated my most sacred trust.

So you trust her with your precious children even though she's betrayed your trust REPEATEDLY? Your wife is irresponsible. And you are enabling her.

The reason for the calculated risk, letting her take the kids, was that if I fought her she would have filed for D already.

The operative word here is LET. If you have living grandparents on both sides I wonder how they would feel about you rolling the dice with the wellbeing of your children? Aunts and Uncles - what would they think? Time to get some back up to protect your children. Time to out the A to family and friends. I hope they would support the goal to at least keep the kids out of it.

I can only control myself. I might not get the outcome I want. We might wind up separated or divorced. She might completely leave me for her AP. Things might turn really bad.

The things that might turn really bad involve your FAMILY.

With my older son going on the trip, I told him to keep a close eye on his siblings, because I know that he would die to protect them.

You asked a 19 year old to be "responsible" for his siblings. Oh boy. Do you see how this is problematic? How this has the potential for long term trauma? YOU are the RESPONSIBLE parent. If you don't have the strength to put a stop to this please call in reinforcements. Friends, family, get professional help.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 3:49 AM, Sunday, October 3rd]

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 52   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8691374
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 4:40 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Hi OP.

1) and that she can't decide between me and him.


Why are you putting up with this? My reaction when I read ^ that in your post was: well aren't you (OP) fucking lucky. The queen bee might actually choose you.

2) The other day, she actually told me that she's trying to make a decision between me and AP.


The way almost every story like yours plays out, you will be so much better off long term IF YOU MAKE THE DECISION FOR HER.

Tell her you've had enough, he can have her. Get out. Now.

You don't get decisive here, expect to keep being played, expect to feel like shit.

Let me ask you again, why are you putting up with this?

posts: 358   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8691382
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 holdfast2 (original poster new member #79339) posted at 4:49 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Y'all are right that I should've done something to stop her from taking the kids to meet her AP. But the fact of the matter is that they're gone there with her now.

So, what would you propose I do about it now? Go ahead and judge me! I can't change it now, it's already happened.


Yeah, this conversation has really made me think. As I said before, I won't file for divorce, but if she does I'll sign the papers. Maybe I just need to push her to do it.

However, I will definitely be talking to a lawyer for the sake of the kids and ensuring that I have guaranteed custody. I do need to put the kids before the already-broken marriage. I also need to get back into IC.

Let me explain my stance on divorce. First of all, as I've said before, I still want to find some way to save the marriage, if it's possible. Secondly, I grew up in the Catholic church, and I still have many of the same values which I grew up with. On the subject of divorce, I will not be the one to file, because I am against divorce based on my own core personal beliefs. If I had a friend in the same situation that I'm in, I also would not suggest divorce to my friend or try to talk them into it. (I would not try to talk anyone out of divorce, or argue against them or anyone else who is suggesting it...but I would not suggest it, nor would I try to talk them into it.)

So, because I am very clearly stating to all of you that filing for divorce is against my core values and beliefs, then please honor my request and quit suggesting it to me. You may think me deluded, but if you do, please keep your opinions about that to yourself. I will not budge on this issue.

The other thing I'm telling you can never change is that I love her. I know for a fact that I won't stop loving her, no matter how much or how badly she hurts or mistreats me, because I know me. I've lived my whole life with this heart, so please believe me on this as well. It's not any kind of syndrome or anything, not a psychological issue. As Forrest Gump says, "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is."

However, I recognize that I do need to set boundaries and consequences, and I need to do it now. I've been allowing my wife to walk all over me, and yes it's true that it's been happening in our marriage from the start. This is new territory for me, taking charge, setting boundaries & consequences. Whatever I consider, it has to be something that I will to hold myself 100% accountable to enforce it. Again, I haven't put my kids' needs at the forefront, and I need them to be my primary motivation. I've got to do right by them, and not fail them anymore. Even if I think my wife is coming around, until she proves it to me by ending the affair, by maintaining NC, by going to marriage counseling, I can't hang any hopes on that. I'm still a hopeful optimist at heart, I still see a possible future for us.


I know that I needed the unvarnished truth from other BS's on this forum. It just hits hard. Thank you all for your feedback. However, I admit that I now feel a little less inclined to post here because of just how hard the hits came. Please take these words into consideration when you reply to other people's posts, when you hit someone between the eyes with the 2x4 of truth, maybe you should wrap it in a little padding of empathy. We BS's know each other's pain.

BH(46). WW(46). M 20 years (friends 32 years). 4 kids. DDay1 Fall'06. DDay2 Apr '21

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2021
id 8691384
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WTAF ( new member #79274) posted at 5:12 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Speaking as someone who grew up in a Catholic family, I can tell you that the damage from seeing my father openly cheat on my mother was profound. The advice she received from family and from clergy was to essentially stay in an abusive marriage and avoid the sin of divorce. When she finally had had enough of the mistreatment, and finally saw the toll it was taking on my siblings and me, she made the decision to end the marriage.

I never once wished for them to get back together.

The judgement and lack of support she received is one of several reasons I walked away from the church and will never go back. I know how confusing this must be for your kids. Your wife is clearly focused solely on herself. Bringing the children into her affair is abusive and neglectful. I hope that you can take a step back from the marriage issues and act in their best interest, since your wife is not willing to.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8691386
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WTAF ( new member #79274) posted at 5:22 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

Also, I do apologize if my post seems harsh. Of course as a BS I know the pain you are feeling. You are very clearly allowing yourself to be abused and mistreated. I have only been here a short while, but I have seen amazing support and empathy from the posters. It is because of that empathy that so many are encouraging you to get you and your children out of the abuse.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8691387
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