SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife (32F) cheated. I wanted to stay and fight but am struggling with what to do after I’ve tried everything that I feel is possible.

My wife and I (34M) were college sweet hearts. We met and started dating about 13-14 years ago and married around 9 years ago. We have always had a strong relationship, never once broke up or discussed a break up. We were best friends and I thought soul mates… we got along well, complimented each others’ personalities well and are, for the most part, each others’ support system. Our sex life has always been good.

Over the past 3-6 months I noticed we were a bit disconnected but nothing too crazy, we still went on 2 one-on-one vacations together and did make time for dinners out and things like that. We’ve had this disconnect happen once in a while with our busy lives and exhausting children… life with young, very active kids can be extremely time consuming and tiresome as some of you likely know. We would talk about it and work to improve it and things would go on.

About a week ago, she created an elaborate lie about going to dinner with a girlfriend while I was away On travel. I caught her in the lie and confronted her on it. Her demeanor with me, the way she had her phone attached at her hip (she never did this our entire relationship), and the timeframe of this dinner just rubbed me the wrong way so I waited until I got a chance to check her phone. I was finally able to about 3 days after this apparent dinner date and found she had been messaging a guy… so I asked her about my suspicion even though I had no proof of what they talked about.

She eventually came clean but first claimed they were just friends talking about "life" and admitted that she had started an innocent "friendly" conversation with the AP 6 weeks ago after meeting him at the gym. Finally it came out that they became friends on social media and began establishing what I would call an emotional affair. She then admitted to having sex with him twice that Friday night (one week ago from dday). She claims this was the first sexual occurrence.

I later found old texts on her Iwatch that she missed where they were telling each other they "love" each other and after I exposed the affair, she kept asking him if he truly loved her. What a tool this guy must be… single guy flirting and knowingly working to break up a family. They were meeting outside the gym in his car to talk and kiss and it led to them having sex this one night… apparently.

I caught it early and she originally agreed to cut him off but later found that she was still texting him. She had originally agreed to try marriage and individual counseling but I was only willing to do that if she cut him off. So I told her she needed to move out… and gave her the 180 treatment for the last 2 days and it’s almost like it’s a relief for her to able to be on her own…. Where did this even come from? It’s shocking how easy she seems to be taking what will be a massive change in our and our kids’ lives.

Finally I asked her why she did this and over the last week she has come up with this story that she has felt unfulfilled for a while. I told her I can’t believe I didn’t know she was so unhappy and miserable in our relationship. She said she wasn’t unhappy… our relationship was good, we were best friends, she does love me, our sex was good… but she was unfulfilled.

I asked what was missing and she said "the passion". She said she has tried to give me hints along the way and was waiting for me to try….she would tell me she missed me and when I asked her about that, she said those things because she knew she should? I don’t have a crystal ball?! She also said that she doesn’t feel what she has broken can be unbroken and that life is too short…. She wants to make decisions based on her happiness, not the happiness of her kids or family. She said our kids will be fine either way.

I think it’s obvious I’ve lost her, but I’m at a loss as to how we came to this nuclear option without any indicators or effort to nurture what we had.

Sorry for the long post…. It feels good to just let it all out there.

Welcome to SI. You will find an enormous amount of support and advice here.

I am a lousy poster in the JFO forum because I let my emotions get in the way. You are new and your emotions are raw, so sometimes I feel it's best to wait a bit and let the other wise SI folks guide the newbies.

But this really stuck out

She wants to make decisions based on her happiness, not the happiness of her kids or family. She said our kids will be fine either way.

Your WW is disordered. MC will do nothing to help her - she needs intensive IC to get to the root of her selfish abhorrent thought process and extreme lack of moral compass.

I do encourage you to get IC to help you navigate through this as well.

Sending strength,

Lala

Parents that leave their kids for the AP seldom become good candidates for R. Move fast and file. Use her new found "passion" to get out with as little damage to you and your children as possible. You'll regret wasting time to save something she doesn't want to save.

[This message edited by grubs at 7:15 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

Welcome to SI from me too. As I’m almost 4 years out I am trying to offer more support and to pay forward a bit.

Posts like yours fill me up with anger though, I’m sure a lot of supportive people will show up soon and offer you the comfort you need and no doubt crave. Do read and take their advice as they have walked the same path as you (and me) before.

One thing that stood out to me in your post (and made me angry) was your wife telling you that the relationship/marriage was fine, she’s lacking passion.

People who value "passion" more than an establish solid relationship, more than knowing you are with a person you’re comfortable to fall back on, more than knowing you have someone who loves you deeply not due to who they think you are but despite your own flaws and issues, these people are immature and shallow.

People who are willing to chase that ephemeral passion your wife is talking about at the cost of their own kids’ happy are selfish and rotten inside.

She is chasing fantasies. What she’s talking about doesn’t (constantly) exist in committed relationships, marriage is hard work if you want to keep the passion and harmony going. Passion comes and goes in any long lasting relationship and the grass is always greener only where you water it. What your WW did was to decide not to tend to the grass in her own garden (not to tell you she feels unfulfilled, not to organise passionate date nights, not to ask you to organise those either) but to go chase new, greener on her perception, grass.

That grass will fade away in colour as well in no time because you only get back what you invest, so unless she plans to constantly chase these high feelings you get in a new relationship and change partners every couple of years, she’s in for a wake up call pretty soon.

I asked what was missing and she said "the passion". She said she has tried to give me hints along the way and was waiting for me to try….she would tell me she missed me and when I asked her about that, she said those things because she knew she should? I don’t have a crystal ball?!

What a load of crap. Don't buy into it. She didn't say anything because as she said, your relationship was good. She had no reason to complain. She just wanted more like a secret side boyfriend.

She's gone. She's not coming back. She has chosen the OM. The only thing you can do is see a lawyer and move forward on your own. If something big changes, you can always slow down or stop the process to reconsider.

I can empathise with you so much, I see so many similarities with my situation, similar ages, same age gap, similar length of time together, kids involved, the fact it just came out of the blue with no warning. I'm 16 days into this and you're 8.

I even had the "passion" excuse thrown at me too although worded as "he excites me". I genuinely think some people have a warped sense of what a long term relationship entails, thinking it should be constant passion and excitement and at the first sign of regular life setting in they think there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

I can't offer too much advice myself at this stage, I'm probably in the same frame of mind as you are but just know you've got support and that you have been heard.

Time to flip the script. SHE is the one who is worth nothing to you at this point. Why on earth would you care about her happiness after she purposefully destroyed your heart and your family?

If that is what she wants, give it to her. She has already chosen her fantasy land and she actually said out loud she would do it at the expense of her children. This is not a partner you want around. This is not a wife you want your kids to emulate or learn to accept this kind of behavior. Does she hope her kids will have a partner like her?

Stop trying to convince her of anything. Take the power back in the relationship and YOU make all the decisions based on what is best for you and the kids. She wants a new shiny relationship with a sleazeball who would sleep with a married woman? Tell her to move out immediately and see a lawyer to get custody and parenting arrangements setup.

If there is any chance at all she will seek the mental health support she needs, you need to go full shock and awe and protect yourself. She gets zero time to make a decision. She either pulls her head out of her ass today or she moves out and you file for divorce.

The real issue is that now that you know who she really is, will you even want her around anyway? A cheater is never owed reconciliation.

I asked what was missing and she said "the passion". She said she has tried to give me hints along the way and was waiting for me to try….she would tell me she missed me and when I asked her about that, she said those things because she knew she should? I don’t have a crystal ball?! She also said that she doesn’t feel what she has broken can be unbroken and that life is too short…. She wants to make decisions based on her happiness, not the happiness of her kids or family. She said our kids will be fine either way.

It sounds like BS, but if you think about it it actually is not. I'm sorry OP but you lost her. Essentially this is her nice way of saying she got bored with you and her marriage. It wasn't anything you did. Of course not. Your only mistake is that you weren't the OM. The OM is Mr. Fresh and Fun. You are the same old same old.

Let her go. Please end the marriage and get a divorce. My XW did the same thing fifteen years ago and I foolishly tried to keep the marriage going, and for fifteen years I lived in a self induced prison. This is what will happen to you if you do not get rid of her. Even if she does agree to reconcile, it would take a massive effort for years for her to prove to you she is trustworthy. But I think she just told you what she really feels. She doesn't care about your, the kids or the marriage. She really doesn't. Don't try to figure out the whys. There will never be a satisfactory answer.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Start the 180 in earnest and go see a lawyer.

she has come up with this story that she has felt unfulfilled for a while. I told her I can’t believe I didn’t know she was so unhappy and miserable in our relationship. She said she wasn’t unhappy… our relationship was good, we were best friends, she does love me, our sex was good… but she was unfulfilled.

I asked what was missing and she said "the passion". She said she has tried to give me hints along the way and was waiting for me to try

Sorry you're here. Unfortunately nothing new. Literally nothing new. Could have been said by a thousand wayward wives before her.

It's all nonsense, too. Notice, she expected you to read her mind? Humans can't read minds. But even this mind-reading story is nonsense. It's either complete fabulism or a huge exaggeration of whatever was actually going on in her mind. She needs a justification, so she's rewriting history.

She hit the 7 year itch (approximately) and now has decided her "fulfillment" (Notice that word) lies elsewhere. She's in looking-for-Mr.-Goodbar mode and this rarely turns out well for betrayed husbands who try to fix it or wait around for a wayward woman to get their head out of their ass (it rarely turns out well for wayward women, either, but it can take a long time for an unfaithful man or woman to figure out they are douchebags who made terrible choices).

The "unfulfilled" line is a version of "I've been unhaaaapy for years." It's a form of rewriting the history of the marriage in order to provide her with a retroactive justification for immoral choices.

"The passion is missing." - What this means is that she's immature and seeking validation from other men is a way of "filling" a void that exists within herself. Even if she were to come around later and snap out of the fantasy fog she's in, she's now revealed herself as a deeply unstable person unsuitable for life partnership.

This is all because of herself.

Because of who she is.

Not because of externals she is trying to use to rationalize.

She has shown you precisely who she is.

Now the struggle will be whether you believe her and act on the empirical information she is showing you.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Your first concern should be your mental and physical health, and the wellbeing of your children. Prioritize these over everything else. Put your wife way, way down on the priority list. She has knocked herself off the pedestal you had her on, so there's no reason to try to put her up there again.

I understand fully the hesitation to divorce. My DDAY with my WW was nearly 5 years ago, although I had a DDAY 2 a little more than a year and a half ago. I am not divorced. I am not separated. I allowed my WW to trickle truth, blameshifting, foot drag on truth, and push rugsweeping for several years. It's no way to live. Don't do this.

2. Consider now that you know about her duplicity, her schemes to have another man penetrate her, that you have been subjected to adulterous acts that are a form of abuse. A very pernicious form of abuse and very damaging to the person who is on the receiving end of it. The lies and gaslighting. Placing your physical health at substantial risk from STD's. That's willful neglect and abuse. So ask: What would you advise another person to do who has been placed in an unsafe situation of abuse?

3. Read:

-How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (a short book that will demonstrate to you the contrast between your WW and a remorseful wayward spouse -- perhaps your WW has it in her to do what the book recommends, but it sounds doubtful. This book will help you see what real reconciliation should look like. Accept nothing less.)

-Cheating in a Nutshell (another short book that details the storm now happening in your mind and body -- and how you can think about it and cope with it)

-No More Mr. Nice Guy (another short book that could assist you in spotting areas where you might be falling into "nice guy" feedback loops and thinking traps)

-The Way of the Superior Man (another short book to re-center your own masculinity and purpose, which should be independent of your now tarnished wife)

All of these books can each be read in a day.

4. I would also set up an appointment with a divorce attorney (consults now usually cost about $500) so that you can better understand the divorce process. It makes the abstract instead concrete and helped me begin planning what a divorce would look like. It also helps you better understand D (divorce) vs. R (reconciliation) and makes your decision making a bit more clear whatever you decide to do.

IMPORTANT: It sounds like your WW is already checked out and views this as an exit affair. It's important in this situation for you to get ahead of this now, and put yourself in the driver's seat. So consider filing as soon as you can before she does.

5. I would schedule an appointment with a betrayal trauma specialist for individual counseling if you can find one in your area. You have been subjected to dire and severe betrayal trauma, among the worst experiences a human can endure. You need help.

6. Tell her immediate family -- this isn't for revenge. It is to expose the fantasy of the affair to reality, and to prevent her from further gaslighting you by lying to her family about how you "were just growing apart."

7. If the OM (Other man) has a girlfriend, then find that out and expose the affair to her as well.

8. Start carrying a VAR in your pocket to record all interactions with your WW. Now that she's decided to act out a silly fantasy with the OM and leave you, she may try to foment a false domestic violence charge against you to gain an upper hand in the custody fight over your kids. A VAR will protect you to some extent from false charges.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:17 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

Read and read read Thumos' post.

There are absolutes that every betrayed person needs to do regardless of the outcome and he gave you those plus some.

I'm going to be blind and I hope it doesn't smart too much.
Your wife is done. Your wife is gone. Women who willingly leave their homes and kids don't change their minds.

Make sure your kids are taken care of and that you are taking care of yourself. Know that her choice to cheat and leave has ZERO to do with you. Her choice to cheat is because she is a broken person. YOU cannot fix that. That's up to her and only of she wants to, and she doesn't.

Get to an attorney or 3 before the week is out. File and don't look back.

It’s a shame no one has kept count on this forum on how many wives pulled this. This is completely out of the mythical cheater’s handbook. She said the very same thing that thousands of other wives have said to their good husbands. What has happened is that at the gym this hunky guy let her know he was interested and it turned her on. If she’s that shallow she’s not a good wife. People don’t fall in love at the gym unless they are about as deep as a mud puddle. Life is not always wound up. Often times it’s mundane and boring and safe. We don’t live in parts of the world where we have to scramble for a little bit of food, or dodge bullets, or try to find a roof over our heads. Instead we are provided with everything we need and most of what we want. Maybe she should join the army and get shot at a couple of times. That might be exciting enough for her.

Again Thumos hit it on the head.
Your WW is likely very early into a limerant affair. They are nearly impossible to stop. Don't wait around playing the pick me dance for the 12-24 months it will take for this to run its course while she sneaks around fucking the shit out of om. I believe i am only still married because I had the biggest case of blind trust. My ww cheated for 16 months before caught. The limerance /passion whatever you want to call had ran it's course and she was desperately trying to find the exit. Do you want to feel like 2nd after this implodes?
My ww told she would have left if caught early. It's like an addiction, they will move mountains to see a/p.
Save yourself years of torment and file for D

I would also add: Get tested for STD's immediately. Get a full panel. We've all seen too many stories of faithful husbands and wives contracting STD's from their cheating spouses. Unprotected sex is so common in affairs that it's practically a requirement. Cheating spouses think they know best and can tell if an affair partner is "clean" through some sort of divination. If she had sex with the OM and you within a short window, and this is likely ( ) then you have been exposed to this man's genital microbiome and you are at risk. Please get tested.

P.S. We're all here for you. Please check back often. We've all been through this and are going through it.

I even had the "passion" excuse thrown at me too although worded as "he excites me"

I myself got a version of this -- one that is difficult, if not impossible, to shake. My WW told me her AP made her "feel like no man, ever" - imagine that. She now says it was bullshit, because naturally the high and limerence wore off and she realized it was not true and such an incredibly toxic and stupid thing to say. I can say with a high level of confidence that my WW's AP in point of fact DID NOT make her feel like no man ever had, including her husband.

But here's the thing: the damage is done for me. I saw my WW reveal this part of her true character. I saw the ugliness. I heard the toxic, bullshit words. She said it and she stuck with it for a long time. And now you have had this experience, too. It can't be unseen or unheard.

These kinds of gobsmacking statements are things they actually believe at the time because they've convinced themselves of it. When exposed to the light of day, like you typing it out here on SI, it looks ridiculous.

But they expect a betrayed husband to just stand there and take it. Do you know why? Because a lot of us are "nice guys" and we've put up with some type of thing like this from them before -- not infidelity-related per se, but in some other sphere of marriage and life. They've tested the waters and seen us try to be understanding and "nice" instead of having a boundary, and that has created a low-level lack of respect for us on their part. Thus, in addition to the other rationalizations they have provided themselves, they also have given themselves permission to see you as unexciting, passionless, a man who won't read their minds.

She sees you as a stable provisioner, while the gym rat is the exciting sexy thang who gets her motor running and is constantly blowing sunshine up her ass.

Note well: You are not boring. Do not believe this lie. You have a life to live and plenty of love to give someone else. You need to get away from this woman, heal and then find a real woman who will never do this to you and who doesn't find you boring at all. And there are plenty of them out there.

Your wife isn't special. Very unspecial, in fact. Especially now that you've seen who she is.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:32 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

I am going to probably be a little unpopular...but I am going to say your wife is DEEP in the fog, and that can be fixed-but only if she wants it. Most of the time people in the fog never realize it until it is way too late and their WS has had enough or either they can't find it in themselves to forgive- But I have seen marriages survive exactly what you are going through-but not until (unless) they come out of it. Until she sees this as the unrealistic fantasy world it is, she is not going to come out of it. But it does happen, people do come out of it. It sounds like a classic mid-life event. What she doesn't realize is that passion comes and goes, and it doesn't always last, and it is so fleeting. Some people will say to dump her and move on and maybe that is the answer-but marriages do survive infidelity-but it is a LONG road. LONG and painful.

Of course she doesn't, because she has the best of all worlds presently. She can still carry on the facade to family and friends without facing her own shame. And, since I have been patient for this long, I don't think she believes I would take the next step.

Notsonaivenow

People call it limerence or the affair fog. While this is real there is also another factor. During this time they have everything they want. A stable family / social life as well as a hot date on the side.

While their husband is doing the "pick me dance" they are day dreaming, not only about the sex, but also about which man should ultimately win the prize (her). It’s like a soap opera where she is the star.

This can go on for years with the wife promising to "no contact" but not doing it.

Think of her as your teenage daughter going out with a boy you don’t approve of. Your non approval makes him even sexier (Romeo and Juliet). The only way for the dad to retain control is to at least threaten to take away what he provides.

In the fathers case it would be to kick her out of the house. In the husbands case it’s the threat of divorce and taking away stability.

I cringe every time I hear (fight for the marriage). Sorry but your wayward wife ended this marriage, Right now she’s gone.

You can’t make her do anything. So let her go.

You’re only shot would be full exposure to try and end the affair if you chose to go that route.

As long as the affair is ongoing you have zero to work with.

Better think long term. Right now you’re in shock but what would you be getting back?

[This message edited by Marz at 6:05 PM, Wednesday, September 22nd]

This is the bullshit she’s feeding you.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Very typical cheater fare. Nothing special at all.

but I am going to say your wife is DEEP in the fog, and that can be fixed-but only if she wants it.

And only if you are ok with continuing to let her have routine unprotected sex with this other man while you wait around wringing your hands waiting for her to "snap out" of "the fog."

Marriages do survive infidelity. Or to be more accurate, sometimes people create a new marriage (the old marriage is dead as a doornail after D-Day). But this can only happen when a wayward spouse develops real remorse (akin to the wholesale change of mind and heart called "metanoia") and begins making substantial life changes. And that new marriage is unlikely to have the same "zhuzh" -- people heal but they still have the scars. If a wayward spouse is still "in the fog" and screwing the hot gym rat, however, this is completely impossible.

I'm sorry to say it, but I feel like we need to be truthful here: I think most betrayed husbands here will back me up on the feeling that it's difficult to see your wife as anything but tarnished after she gives herself to another man like this. My WW is my one and only (still is). I still love her as the mother of my children (yes they are mine) and even enjoy her company in spite of my revulsion and anger over her actions. But it's just not the same. I don't feel the profound depth of affection for her I did before. I don't think I will EVER be able to see her in the way I did before her affair.

We have sex. A lot of sex. But the tonal feeling of it for me is largely the feeling of a FWB. There's rarely a strong feeling of intense romance or profound intimacy in it for me. It just isn't there. I didn't ever think I'd feel that way about a woman, but there you go. It just takes something profound out of you to realize that your wife looked into your eyes repeatedly and stone-cold lied to you while she schemed to be penetrated by another man. Then carried his DNA around inside of her while doling out starfish sex to you.

I don't mean to add to your pain, but I think it's important RIGHT NOW at this very critical juncture for you to hear from men who are 1, 3, 5 years out so you can know what lies ahead and what pitfalls to avoid.

I remember what these early days are like. Get to a betrayal specialist for counseling as soon as you possibly can.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:57 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

She is an unremorseful cheater. You keep letting her know you want her and she keep enjoying cheating. Cheater need to know there is a caring BS to fully enjoy cheating. If you take no action and keep it under cover so much the better for her.

You might be feeling like you are defeated and you are not, keep your head up even with current emotional stress take action otherwise you will be a loser. Even if you want R act like you are going to end it, even filing for D you can later be retracted

I think it’s obvious I’ve lost her, but I’m at a loss as to how we came to this nuclear option without any indicators or effort to nurture what we had.

Do your best to stop torturing yourself with this. Easier said than done, I realize.

But it's much more accurate to look at this in a different way: The wife you thought you had was an illusion. The person in front of you now is the real person.

Or to be more precise, she is revealing a huge swathe of her true character she kept veiled from you.

Now you know. Now you see. And now you see precisely what you'll be "getting back" if she has a sudden change of heart. So think about that carefully. Think about what you'll be getting back.

What you will be getting back: the real woman in front of you, not the wife you thought you had.

What you will be getting back: exactly the kind of person who will lie, gaslight and abuse you.

What you will be getting back: exactly the kind of woman who seeks cheap, ephemeral sex with a loser gym rat and thinks nothing of imploding her family.

What you will be getting back: An abuser and a user.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:08 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]