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Just Found Out :
Reeling on day 8 from dday

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Smillie ( member #51537) posted at 11:24 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

You have your answer. She does not value your marriage enough to dump her boyfriend. Expose her to close family / friends and file for divorce. If she wants to reconcile then she should work for it.

posts: 472   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2016   ·   location: Scotland
id 8689636
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:39 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

She claims this was the first sexual occurrence.

Given the 3-6 month timeline of you noticing a disconnect, this is probably a lie. Most WW's minimize several steps back from the reality of the affair. If they say it was just an "emotional affair" (which is really just another way of saying "we were talking about being physical but hadn't quite gotten to it yet") you can usually count on it being a physical affair with at least some deep kissing and groping. If they admit to deep kissing, they probably had oral. If she admits to oral, they probably had sex. If she admits to "just once" they probably had sex multiple times. You get the idea. It only takes hours for two people to hop in the sack for a one night stand. If this was going on for any length of time, you should assume multiple sexual encounters.

As others have said, let her go with the gym rat and move to file for divorce quickly.

If you move decisively, I doubt that the gym rat is going to want to take on the responsibility of a relationship with your wife full time, with her kids in tow at least 50 percent of the time.

Here's what often happens: she's getting lavished with superficial compliments and attention and exciting sex from a gym rat. He doesn't have to take care of your kids. All he has to do is ease into the surface role of her charming suitor on the side. He is telling her whatever he thinks she wants to hear to get her in the sack. That's why she's pushing for "do you really love me?" She's deploying a plan A/plan B strategy.

Now, take Plan B (yourself) out of the equation. And she is left with only what she thought of as plan A (the gym rat). But Plan A, the gym rat, is likely to balk significantly at the prospect of taking on her baggage and being there for her routinely. Because he really isn't plan A at all. That was just a fantasy in her head. He doesn't share that same fantasy. He just wants the easy sex she provides.

It was all fine and good when all he had to do was text her a little bit, make out with her in the car outside the gym and arrange for illicit liaisons here and there.

But she shows up on his doorstep ready for the real deal? Not likely. More likely: he will backpedal rapidly if she comes to him with her fantasies of commitment and "twoo wuuv."

Now she'll be standing in the ruins, with the reality of the unstable gym rat "Plan A" ghosting her -- and the reality of plan B stable husband filing for divorce and leaving her sorry ass.

It will hit her even more when she's living in a crappy apartment and splitting custody of the kids with you.

Reality slapping her upside the head will probably end the fantasy of the affair with a gym rat pretty quickly, and then she will see the devastation around her and wonder at her own stupidity. Maybe at this point she will begin to absorb the reality, but given her age (32) and her immature personality, she probably feels she can coast on her looks. I would bet at this stage she'll begin seeking out another mark to be her provisioner. She'll probably find one.

Let that one be the sucker in this scenario instead of you.

By that time, you will have detached from her abusive nature, gotten some perspective and started to piece your life back together. And you'll probably want very little to do with her.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:42 AM, Thursday, September 23rd]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49 Married: Feb. 1996 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2:

posts: 4301   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8689639
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:36 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

You and your children are all that matter now. She is living in an obvious fantasy. She may have been egged on by her girlfriends to cheat. It is very likely that the gym "Casanova" will dump her hard soon when she will expect more. I would tell her to go move in with him and leave you and the children alone. Try and get her out of the house. Go see a lawyer immediately and file for divorce. See if you can get her to agree to give you full custody with reasonable visitation rights on her part.

Now the important part: DO NOT TAKE HER BACK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. She is a very damaged, naive, selfish person. She is a rotten partner who you could never again trust. Most likely she will crawl back when Casanova has had his fill of her. I repeat, DO NOT TAKE HER BACK. She has revealed her horrible character.

You must take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Stay off drugs and alcohol. Get exercise, even if it is just long walks every day. Lean on family and friends for support. Try and hold it together for your children. Your healing will take time. The less you engage with her the quicker the healing will begin. I've been there. I was foolish to agree to reconcile. Your wife is even more callous than my ex-wife. Again, try and get her out of the house.

I wish you all the best. Do not compromise one inch. Divorce her and don't look back. Again, do not negotiate. Do not buckle when she crawls back. Strike quickly with a divorce. Do not be anyone's plan B. If you do move quickly, you will be in a much better frame of mind a year from now. But there is no denying you will be going through hell for a while. But if you stay focused on getting out of this mess and away from your wife, you will heal a lot quicker.

Life throws us all kinds of shit. You have just been hit between the eyes. Dust yourself off and fight back. Don't be her chump. Divorce and move on.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:39 AM, Wednesday, September 22nd]

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8689644
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:04 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Sorry for you are here.

Typing on the phone is hard for me, I can't write all my thoughts now but luckily I saw Thumos said it all. I agree with everything he says and I suggest you read them again and again.

At some point, when the A fog clears, your WW will most likely realize what she has lost for nothing. She will regret what she has done, but it will be a regret that she will feel for herself, not for you. This is no longer your problem, it shouldn't be. File for D and serve her without informing before and take control of your life again. If she ever comes back and tries to re-enter yor life, don't be there. She's not the woman you think she is. If she tries to appear that way, just remember what she is capable of.

Good luck.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8689646
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 2:24 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

WDIB-
I don’t have much to add. Just want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your wife thinks relationships are like those on soap operas, you’re supposed to have some karmic connection and read her mind reader and have a dramatic wuv stowy. Read everything Thumos said. Then read again. Then again.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8689651
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 WhereDoIBegin (original poster new member #79416) posted at 12:58 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I appreciate everyone’s time, support, and sound advice. We are moving toward divorce and she is moving out. Her mind is so "clear" that being empowered, in control, independent and focused her own "happiness", that no other narrative or explanation for her behavior will be heard. She also said something that resonated with me, she said that her actions have broken our relationship so far beyond repairing that she didn’t know if she wanted to put in the effort to fix it, because life is too short. At this point, it solidified her affair fog, as if I didn’t know already, and made it clear to me that she was too far gone.

I feel a bit better today knowing how this will end, us divorced and me working on myself…. My own mind, body, and soul as I recover from this. Of course, my kids will be my priority as well. I think the unknown of how life was going to play out in this aftermath somehow amplified my body and mind’s response. Now that there is a definitive in what’s happening in my marriage (the end), I do feel like a burden has been lifted… but I know there will be rough waters ahead.

Although this deeply hurts and I’m still confused as to how we got here… how she could step out simply because she was bored with the mundane routine of parent life, I can see that she is no longer the person I thought she was.

Now I need to focus on minimizing the impact to my kids and improving myself. I know I’ll be ok, I know my kids will be ok, because they are loved and supported.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8689684
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 1:29 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

She also said something that resonated with me, she said that her actions have broken our relationship so far beyond repairing that she didn’t know if she wanted to put in the effort to fix it, because life is too short. At this point, it solidified her affair fog, as if I didn’t know already, and made it clear to me that she was too far gone.

This is her admitting that she does not have the strength, capability or will to fix herself. True reconciliation requires the wayward to look deeply in the mirror, see their flaws, see how hurtful & ugly they were/are and then do the very challenging work of improving themselves. Without that, they can't become safe and they can't help you heal.

I think it's actually a huge task that requires the development of a significant dose of humility, among other things. When I think about it in this light, it's not surprising that so many waywards fail to do their part after the affair. It's much easier to not have the affair in the first place but of course that's the shit place they put themselves and their families in.

She said "life's too short to do it". Well, I think perhaps life's too short to not do the hard work on ourselves. But no use trying to convince her of that. At least you see her true nature now and you can act accordingly. The whole thing is terrible but it's better than trying to reconcile for 3 years and then realizing she doesn't have it in her and most likely never did.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8689687
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:40 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Agree with Trdd. Moving forward limit contact and interaction as much as possible. Do not engage. Engaging will just set you back in healing. Get a separation agreement signed and custody agreement now while she is agreeable and eager to move on. It sounds like your kids are your priority. Excellent. They will need you. All of this is unbelievably unfair to you. You have learned that she is supremely selfish and entitled, so the children will not be a priority. Perhaps you might propose in the D agreement that in order for her to maximize her “happiness” and her “passion” that she might give you total custody of the kids. After all they will just be in the way of her finding her “happiness”.

Learn about gray rock. Avoid giving her any energy to react to. Look at my tag line. Your bright future is on the road ahead of you. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8689690
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:01 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

She is gone, that is true. For now. As others have stated, eventually the newness will wear off. There is a term counselors use. Overlooking. They see the flaws in the other person but it doesn’t seem real because maintaining the high is paramount. Only about 18 months in does the rosy view of life fade. Then reality sets in. So prepare for a sudden turnaround in 6 to 18 months. Hopefully by that point you will have moved on and healed to the point where you see she is in another fantasy. One where she expects that you will open your arms and things will be back to normal in two weeks or so. This is what we call plan B here.

What no one has brought up is your kids. You will be joined to the hip with her forever. No matter what she does or who she is with, she is going to be in their lives, and yours. When the fuckfest wears thin, she will see that her boy toy will have no interest in being an instant father of preteens. This will be a powerful tool to use to move back in. For you it will be tempting because raising kids alone is hard for anyone, but especially a guy who is expected to work during the day. You don’t say what your careers are, but if you are like most people this will be a struggle.

And there is the great trap. The board is full of people who stayed for the kids and hate it. Please think about this. Prepare yourself.

The other thing is that you are still reeling. How could she turn on a dime and so fuck up your lives so fast? The answer is that she has always been that way. Look back. Has she been an avoider? An escapist? Always looking for the easy way? Emotionally unavailable? Always wanting more? Self entitled? Has it been your job to keep her entertained? Have you always had the laboring oar? Is she too concerned about her looks? If so, it was probably only a question of time.

Also, be prepared for insipid word from her family in the short term while they rally around her. Don’t expect anything from them.

Good luck on your journey and come back for help.

posts: 1067   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8689710
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Legend10 ( new member #79407) posted at 4:33 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Also, be prepared for insipid word from her family in the short term while they rally around her. Don’t expect anything from them.

Oh wow, this has resonated with me and struck a cord with exactly what's happened to me today.

The mother of my WS slept with at least two different men within the past few years and her and her husband split because of it. My WS Dad struggled with it all and he leant on my WS for a lot of the emotional support from it all so I know what he was going through. WS was very nervous to tell her dad because of her own infidelity and I was kind of thinking there was gonna be a possibility that he may even take my side on this!

Then today on Facebook a memory popped up from her profile of our son a few years ago, I noticed that her profile pic was different (she'd changed it from one of herself and our son to one of her dressed up to the nines, this angered me as already the focus has shifted from "my son means the world to me" to "look at how hot I look, give me attention" literally 2 weeks after DDay) and then checked out her profile, loads of comments all giving her compliments and then loads from her family saying how much they love her, they are proud of her etc etc.

So not only have I not had any call, text, message, anything from any of her family that I considered my own family for the past 12 years they all now seem fully supportive of her????

I've immediately unfriended every single family member and friend of hers from my page now so I'm looking forward to that turning into an argument at some point as soon as the WS notices.

[This message edited by Legend10 at 4:34 PM, Wednesday, September 22nd]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8689722
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

The one thing my WH said post dday at one point that I 100% believed it is this: it is much easier to build a narrative where you were not the bad guy and run away from facing the bomb you threw in your marriage than actually accept you are a selfish, entitled person who willingly sacrificed your own kids for instant gratification. If you want to R as a cheater you need to face all the lies you told yourself about how your spouse somehow deserved this, face who you really are.

Your wife is doing just that: building the narrative where things "just happened", you didn’t deserve it "but…", "life is complicated", "it wasn’t meant to be (the marriage)"/"it was meant to be (the affair)", "life is short", "we should chase happiness", and this list of shitty justifications can go on and on and on.

This enables her to ignore the reality of who she is: a person of no integrity, nor morals, a person who is willing to let her kids take the cost of her "happiness" so she can chase fantasies. The shocking part, and she’ll face that once she wakes up from the fantasy she created, is that her happiness has no substance. She’s basically giving up loyalty, commitment, true family life and relationship investment for… what exactly?

Once I came out of my own fog as a BS, the fog where perhaps I somehow deserved to be cheated on and I was willing to take some sort of responsibility for it, I went through exactly the same shock as you, my husband also cheated on me without even ONCE telling me how I’m somehow failing to be a good spouse.

It took me a while to understand this: what kind of person makes a life commitment by getting married, makes a life commitment by having kids, builds this resentment towards their spouse for some fucked up reasons and then decides that the spouse doesn’t even deserve the chance to work on whatever the issue was, no, the spouse deserves to be cheated on, deceived, traumatised and have their life turned their upside down, what kind of person? A broken one. A person who has no sense of reality, no understanding of what real life is, no sense of loyalty, no sense of true commitment, no maturity and the list can go on.

In order to truly reconcile, all these issues need to be addressed. All of them. One by one the cheater needs to face who they are.

Your wife not only has no desire to face this, she doesn’t even have a clue that the future is looking bad for her, she’ll never be able to sustain a true relationship, because true relationships are hard work, you don’t run and open your legs to the first guy who gives you attention just because you’re bored…

I’m sorry, but know this, you’ll be ok. Men like you are good people and you will one day find someone who knows the value of what you have to offer.

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1385   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8689728
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 5:26 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

she said that her actions have broken our relationship so far beyond repairing that she didn’t know if she wanted to put in the effort to fix it, because life is too short.

This is her character that is speaking out to you. The same character that told her it was okay to cheat. The same character that was able to lie to you continuously. The same character that shows very little concern for your pain....you know---the pain that she caused.

Remember this any time that you question yourself. Even the best of us occasionally think "If I would have done x and y, would my partner have cheated?" But you have no influence over her character. You couldn't make her cheat any more than you could have made her not cheat. Character lies within. It doesn't make her betrayal any less, but it does clearly show that this was NONE of your doing.

Also ask yourself--did she tend to have 'selfish' traits(conversations that wrap around her; complaining about others, etc.) that seemed innocuous at the time? Love often has a way of explaining these traits away.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8689734
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 5:55 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

She also said something that resonated with me, she said that her actions have broken our relationship so far beyond repairing that she didn’t know if she wanted to put in the effort to fix it, because life is too short. At this point, it solidified her affair fog, as if I didn’t know already, and made it clear to me that she was too far gone.

Please remember this when her AP loses his luster and your WW tries to back track. Gym affairs don't normally end well as one or both of the APs tend to be repeat offenders. Typically with multiple people at the same time.

posts: 764   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8689740
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 6:53 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I just wanted to offer you all the hugs and support.

So much of what you wrote resonated with me. My ex husband also wanted to go and do things for himself, because he knew that I would look after our son. He walked out on us almost seven years ago to be with the woman he was cheating on me with.

Seven years later? "our" son calls another man Dad and refers to my ex by his first name. I've never said a bad word about my ex to him; ex has built his own legacy.

You never get back that time with your children. Self actualization is awesome, but not when it hurts innocents.

I hear the hurt and shock in your post but if I could give you one take home piece of advice? YOUR CHILDREN deserve better than someone who doesn't want to be all in with them every day. You do, too- but if you're not ready to hear that yet (and 8 days in, who is?), please remember that your kids don't have that choice- only you can make it for them.

My ex moved to another country and hasn't seen his own child for a year before the pandemic even started. Now obviously I don't let my son travel to a different country- I told my ex if he wants to see our son he can come here. I am not risking having my child in hospital in a foreigh country and not being able to get to him. He barely ever calls. Your kids deserve better than mine got.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 710   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8689753
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 8:02 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

So sorry you are here.

As others have noted, when you think about what your W's character is like, I find a dichotomy is insightful. People tend to view the world from either a grateful or envious perspective. The woman who cheated on me was the latter, to a Tee. My wife is the former - a world of difference. Were I to guess about your wife...

Google "The 4 M's of Infidelity". It is a short article about your WW's mindset and points to some cautions you should be aware of in the 4th M, Malevolence. Read The Healing Library on this website and start with the articles. There is also a link to all of the acronyms used here that can help you navigate the terms used.

I will add, you seem to be thinking clearer than most at this early stage, so take that to heart if it helps. Firm resolve, self respect and decisive action to protect yourself from her, will serve you best in the coming weeks and months. You are experiencing trauma right now and it causes your brain to dehydrate and your muscles to store toxins. Exercise, avoidance of alcohol, plenty of water, eating correctly and getting good sleep are essential to counter the trauma response. Ask you doctor if you need help sleeping in the short term. A rested and hydrated mind thinks clearly. You need clear thinking and good decision making. Find a good lawyer to protect you (from her) because you are ill equipped to defend your and your children's interests from her. When the malevolence kicks in it will not always be obvious. She is a skilled manipulator and do not doubt how ugly this can get.

Keep a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times. Do not tell her you have one. Keep coming back here. You will get sound advice from the experience here. Start a journal if you are up to it. Even if it is just to keep a record of the things she tells you. That can be most helpful when she tries to rewrite your history together and justify her actions and choices.

Another book that may help you is "Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder" by Dennis Ortman. He is the one to coin the term PISD after having worked with cases of PTSD. He will help you.

All the best.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 127   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8689768
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

They always come back is a myth. Even if she did what would be coming back?

No contact is your best path. You aren’t losing much.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8689779
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 10:05 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

she said that her actions have broken our relationship so far beyond repairing that she didn’t know if she wanted to put in the effort to fix it, because life is too short.


lol a philosophical cheater. Ask her why she was a cake eater deceiving you while sleeping with another man. She should have told you up front when she was pursuing her "passion" if she is so sure of what she wanted and whatever collateral damage she cannot help with

posts: 777   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8689785
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 10:18 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

A wayward who admits they don’t want to do the work required to R because it’s too hard for them isn’t something I’ve seen much of. Especially right out of the gate. On top of that, she’s actually owning the fact she cares more about herself than anyone else.

As fucked up as this is going to sound, she’s doing you a favor by saving you from the absolute hell of false R. She’s clearly still in her wayward mindset, with zero intentions of getting out of it, and she’s being honest about it. She’s a whole ass horrible person, but at least you know that without a shadow of a doubt.

I wish you well in your divorce proceedings and your next chapter. I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes back when the AP grows tired of her. I know you won’t allow yourself to be plan B, though. ;)

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 674   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8689789
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 2:40 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

All of the above. Thumos has this spot on.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8689819
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

I'm sorry you're here, but based on what you posted you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with, she's not even regretful much less remorseful, so contact an attorney and file for D and don't look back and expose her with all family and close friends, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar, don't forget to get tested for STDs.

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8689825
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