Just a short update. Not much has happened in the last week. I still live day by day, some days are OK, others not so much. I even started studying.
My WH started IC two weeks ago. He chose a therapist who is supposed to be specialized in infidelity and betrayal. He said the first session was good, except for a strange comment from the C, when he told him, that he has disclosed all of his affairs and details to me. Supposedly, WH shouldn't have told me about ONSs or about the details, because this only hurts me and was of no real importance to him. And telling me just unburdened WH and caused me additional pain. So in a way he supports, not directly lying, but lying by omission. Other than that, he had some good suggestions on how to proceed and how to support me, but this was a huge red flag.
Last week we went there together, not for MC, just for me to check him out and for the possibility for me having IC with him as well. I had some hope that WH somehow misunderstood him. But it was a disaster. First, the C tried to persuade me, that there was something wrong in my marriage besides the cheating, that I must have missed something else and we had other problems prior to the cheating. And as I kept telling, I was happy before the affairs and I had no problems, not related to the betrayal, the therapist outwardly told me, he didn't belive me. Why would I be lying about that in counselling? I was actually happy before WH started the first LTA and for some time after, when I was still more or less clueless. Things were bad in the last few years, but they were bad because of the cheating and not some other underlying problems. I can accept that WH was cheating because he had issues, either with himself or our relationship, but why insisting I was missing something in our marriage as well?
Then I told the therapist, I disagree with him about omitting the details of the infidelity and that I believe I have the right to know everything I feel I need to. He actually said, that the details were not my business, they were my husband's and his APs and I have no right to ask for them. Even my WH doesn't agree with this. I should not dwell on the past, but concentrate on our marriage in the future. And when I said I need to know who I am staying with if I decide to stay, the answer was, we should then talk about my husband and his feelings and not in detail about his past actions. WTF?
Next, he told me the MOW didn' do anything to me, so I shouldn't feel anger, hate or resentment towards her and telling her husband about the affair is none of my business. She fucked my husband for 9 years, tried to break us apart, even though she is married too, just to have him all for herself, she drove across the town to his second job to fuck him after he broke it off with her after D-day, just to change his mind. They never did it in his office before, she is too classy for that, but I guess desperate times called for desperate measures. And after he finally got his head out of his behind and told her they were really over and refused more makeup sex, she was still coming back to him complaining about how she was treated and how ugly the breakup was and how he ruined her vacation. But no, she didn't do anything to me. And yes, I know WH is mostly to blame, but she played her part and I will hate her as much as I want to and no therapist will tell me otherwise.
And in the end,when I said no decent person does things like that to another human being, the answer was, that my standards about this and about lying were too high and very little people could measure up. And that WH tried to, but couldn't follow up in the end.
Needless to say, I am not going back and I don't think WH is either. It is his decision, but even he found the counsellor's views very strange. Not that the C was wrong about everything, he made some good comments, he said some things that made sense and made me and WH think and we did and will again discuss them at home. But the above I cannot accept.
To make my day perfect, the second LTAP contacted WH via e-mail. He ended things with her in July after Dday, just by a short text and then met with her in person a month ago to tell her there can't be anything between them any more. This was before I knew she even existed. Obviously, he wasn't convincing enough, so she contacted him last week, he sent a NC message and she begged him again to meet her in person. He sent another NC, telling her I know everything and if she contacts him again, the replay will come from me. I hope she gets it this time.
Is is a good thing that he told me about her messages? I know every instinct told him not to, but he says he is done hiding anything from me. I don't belive him yet, but maybe it is a good sign?
[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 10:54 AM, Tuesday, October 12th]