I am sorry I took some time from my last post, but the last days were hell and getting out of bed was the most I could do for the better part of it. Everyone here was right, what I had known at the time of my last posts was far from everything and he is not the reconciliation material I thought he was, but I am not sure I even care anymore. Any hope that we can come out of this together is almost gone. When I read my posts from two weeks ago, I can't believe, how naïve I was, even after I clearly should have known, he is not to be trusted.
We agreed he would give me a detailed timeline and I got one. A lot of details, times, places, he admitted some things he told me at D-day were lies, in particular the details of the physical part of the affair in the last months before D-day and having sex at our old apartment and some other stuff. It was hard hearing it, but if it was only that I might have lived with it. However, there were some inconsistencies in the story and talking about them didn't help, because I got the gaslighting feeling right away. I gave him until the end of the day to tell me the whole truth, or we were over. And I told him that I will use any means possible to verify everything he says, including polygraph, no matter the cost or the time it took. I don't think I was ever this mad in my life.
But I was not prepared for any of it. I can't go into details, I hurts too much, the short version is, the 9 year LTA was not the only one. He had 4 ONS in the first years of the LTA and another LTA for the past 5 years, so he was actually having two LTAs at the same time. I know he had problems getting physical with the first one, overcoming the belief that cheating is something you just don't do, but it seems after he did it with her, he got completely out of control. I just can't understand, how he could do what he did and still come home every day to me, to the kids, how he could live with himself.
It was PA only with the second one, no emotions there on his part and if it wasn't my husband she was involved with, I could almost be sorry for her. She is really young, 20 when they started, this was her first relationship and I don't think any woman deserves this to be her first. The first LTAP was kind of high maintenance and a lot in their relationship happened the way she wanted, and the second one was her opposite. Did what he said and when he said it. Not that he was abusive in any way, but obviously he was the one calling the shots. On the other hand, maybe this version was just meant for me to have sympathies for her so I wouldn't contact her or do anything drastic, maybe it wasn't the case of him using her for his needs. But if things were really as he said, I see him in a completely different light right now.
And he had sex with first LTAP twice after D-day before completely ending it with her. His explanation is that he was in a really bad place, it was a day after D-day and when after he called her to end it, she came across town to his office (his second job) and tried to comfort him, it just happened. Right, and why did you even let her in your office in the first place, when you promised to cut all contacts with her? And then it happened again three days later and after that he told her they can't go on like this any more and cut her off. Sexually, I mean, he was still talking to her, because he felt bad for her, for how he ended it and felt he owed her an explanation. Apparently he was not feeling bad for me. I think this one is the worst. At the worst moments in my life, when all he should focus on was my wellbeing, he was having sex with her to make himself feel better and talking to her to make her feel better. And of course lying to me about both. He says it took him a few days to process, but after the initial frenzy, he can see clearly now and he is sure of what he wants and it is not her. I don't know if I can buy that :(.
He now says I really know everything. Maybe I even believe it, since he told me stuff, I never could have found out, nothing to do with the inconsistencies in the timeline, but at this point I don't even care if it was just this, or 20 more women. I am completely numb, all my energy goes into functioning normally at least with the kids and at work. I am even so messed up, one of the first thoughts after he told me, was feeling "good" that he cheated on her too (the 9 year LTAP). She had problems with him being intimate with me, what would she think about the fact that for their entire relationship, he was also cheating on her. And I mean the entire time, he had the first ONS less than two months after they hooked up. I am actually thinking of telling her, just to see her get hurt.
And he had unprotected sex with both LTAPs. He had STD tests done and is negative, but I still have mine to take care of, I just couldn't do it in the past days.
Right now, I have no idea how to go on. I haven't contacted the OBS yet, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything, but I plan to. The second LTAP is single, so nothing to do there, except maybe confront her, I have to think about that. I sort of dealt with the first LTAP, put her in her place, but it was a small victory and after the initial good feelings dissipated, I felt even worse. She took so much from me, how can I feel good about something so minor? But I am happy I did it, in the last two weeks I finally stood up for myself, to him and to her. Small steps.
WH still wants to stay together. Still does "everything right", sometimes it feels like he is reading SI for directions :). He seems remorseful, takes all the blame, listens, apologizes all the time, is willing to share all his accounts/passwords, is always where he says he will be etc., but I don't trust a word out of his mouth. He signed for IC and is looking for options for job change. And says he finally understands, there should be absolutely no contact with her. I am just going with the flow. I am not capable of any major decision right now.
[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 1:54 PM, Thursday, September 30th]