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Off Topic :
Anyone else feel self care is overwhelming?

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:21 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I know i need to take better care of myself. I have lost a bit of weight, clothes are loose, more flabby, though the scale doesnt show much. Its something. Of course i got that by simply not eating. Not healthy.

But i am stressed all the damn time.

This past weekend i had a total breakdown.

All the kids got new shoes, indoor and outdoor, for school. Little M misplaced her old outdoor shoes and asked if she could wear her new ones. I said yes.

What could happen in two friggin days...... rolleyes

Well Murphys damn law. She loses the new ones BUT finds the old ones. We spent two full days tearing the entire house apart.

All. Of. Us. Wh was already pissed off he lost a game on his new phone and had already reset his old phone before he realized it even after i asked him to make sure everything transferred properly. Add in missing shoes and a house now torn apart. He was not nice to be around...

I have a huge shelf/shoe rack at the front door. Thats where shoes are to go! Do ya think MY damn demon children can put them there??? No!

I totally broke down. Feeling like no matter what i do these kids just wont listen. I wanted to go walk into the forest, out the back and into the river! I have been militant with them from day one on cleaning and keeping things in their place. I have taken everything away from them. I have used praise and rewards. I just dont know what else to do to get it through their god damn little heads.

I am tired. The sinus thing has returned. The pain, pressure...lots of OTC pain meds, antibiotocs and neti pot and i am barely functioning. Got garbage out and one load of (mostly mine) laundry done. I should be resting but if i dont get things done A. It wont get done and B. Ill end up hearing about it.

I want to go soak in the tub. I wont. And i dont understand why i can't do something like allow myself to have a hot bath.

What is wrong with me...

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8687750
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 9:31 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

In reading your posts over the years, it's very clear that your kids know that you and your WH will cave if they create a problem. So they don't try and avoid problems.

I don't see this as a self-care issue--its a family dynamic issue that is not going to get any better until you and your WH create a united front in dealing with things of things nature.

The kids can't find their shoes in time for school? Too bad. Unless they are very young, they should be able to self-organize to some degree, with some supervision. They should be in the habit of taking their shoes off at the door, placing them on the rack and putting on slippers or whatever they wear inside the house. The days of you dropping everything to tear the house apart because of their failure to follow the rules should be waning at this point.

Your WH is a big part of the problem because he doesn't back you up. He has to get on board or this is never going to work.

One valuable lesson I had with growing children was "deal in their currency." If you have a kid that really is motivated by getting say more screen time because they were able to have a week of following the house rules 100%, then that's the goal you should set. Kids are all different, and you need to incent them differently.

But the biggest kid of all that needs a fire lit up his ass is your WH. And I don't know how you do that, other than going and checking into a hotel for 2 days and letting him see the ugly you deal with on a constant basis.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32945   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8687774
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:58 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

The kids are all old enough to handle most things on their own. I make them do all their laundry, making lunches, dishes etc.

I felt the need to search for her shoes as it would be a reflection of my ability as a mom to provide for her child. It also pissed me off that i spent money for her to have them and they disappeared.

You are correct. Each child is motivated by different things. So i taylor consequences for each one.

My School year rules are harsh or so ive been told. Bed time is early. Very little screen time and that's only movies, all video games are permitted on weekends only.

They all have chores.

Wh will now put his foot down and get on the kids to do what they should. Then again i usually have to remind him what needs doing. I have told him he would be lost if anything happened to me. Thats why he keeps saying no to me having a break...


With the kids in school i dont know why i couldnt just fill the tub and soak all damn day. My back needs it for sure.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8687776
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:07 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Thats why he keeps saying no to me having a break...

Oh, yeah, no. BYE, BITCH. I'm going away for the weekend. Have fun!

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8687778
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:31 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Thats why he keeps saying no to me having a break...

Nah. Nope. He isn't your dad. He doesn't get to tell you no. You are a grown adult. You need a break? You go take one. He's also a grown adult. He can handle his own kids and home.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8687805
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:58 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Oh, yeah, no. BYE, BITCH. I'm going away for the weekend. Have fun!


Nah. Nope. He isn't your dad. He doesn't get to tell you no. You are a grown adult. You need a break? You go take one. He's also a grown adult. He can handle his own kids and home.

Oh ladies i agree with you.

When covid first hit i began a small book with all the important info for the house. Mostly billing information, what gets paid when, dd's medication info, kids doctors etc. In case I got sick at least wh would have all the important stuff in one location. I also informed my parents where this info was in the event anything ever happened to both wh and i.

Its not like wh is incapable, he knows this and he knows i know he is capable. He cannot fool me. So yeah if i want to leave i can. Just hasnt been possible with covid or my overall health. I also dont want to "visit" my parents...to stressful!

Tomorrow i am taking ds to see a new doctor to hopefully get the testing he needs. This weekend i need to make 6 foot posts to install around goat pen with a strand or two of electric since 8 lines just over 4 feet high IS NOT CONTAINING THEM....FUCKERS! A farm not far from here has gotten a lot attention because their animals have gotten out onto the road and been killed. I dont need that hassle. So our gate is always closed snd new eletric up higher is going up this weekend.

Finding the time when one has a farm to vacation is near impossible.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8687811
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 5:01 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Hang in there Girl! Sometimes self care is a moment.

BS Fwh

posts: 3061   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8687847
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 8:43 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Hi Dragn, you are the last on your priority list. And you are the foundation for your family.

Don’t ask, tell him you are taking a few hours to yourself and just do it. You need to care for yourself. Your husband clearly doesn’t notice that you need a break.

He will survive.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8688090
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:19 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

I had a very long tiring day yesterday. Ds had his appointment with a new pediatrician who will be doing some standardized testing. Little M has her appointment next month. Both kids have issues with reading and comprehension.

From the hour+ long visit the doctor is confident ds doesn't have Add or adhd and isn't on the spectrum. I was given three booklets of surveys to do. One for me, one for wh rolleyes and one for ds teacher.

Ds is on the heavy side but doc doesnt want him on a "diet". Just increase activity and no pop or juice. Water and one glass of milk/day. I allow one pop per week if that and only fresh orange juice.

His height is pretty average in the chart. Seeing himself on the chart ds sees that he needs to get to a healthy weight and doesnt feel so bad about about his height.

All these years i have been so focused on dd that i have let things slip with ds...for example not having an IN person meeting with the school for his IEP. It was always sent home, signed snd sent back. Doc thinks he needs either to be placed in a separate room or wear sound dampening headphones to concentrate.

We will see what the testing reveals and what else we can do for him.

So thats a stress on top of everything. I also have a different APP for each class because all of the teachers cant just stick with one damn program to use to communicate with parents. It's frustrating!!!

Yesterday i was also in so much pain with the sinus infection that i took way to much pain meds. My kidneys and liver probably hate me. Ended up taking an ativan at bedtime just to sleep and wh said i kept waking up crying then would be snoring before he rolled over.

Using Neti pot as well.

Today hasnt been bad. Maybe antibiotics are working.

This has become a chronic issue and i will be demanding i see a specialist for it. The pain is so bad i could end up OD'ing on meds.

I had wh help me with a huge gate i needed to move. Hes taken care of dinner tonight. He let me sleep in this morning. He deposited his check this week. So he has stepped up. Kids have been helpful too.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8688097
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 11:54 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Hi there , this should be normal. I hope it sticks and he ups his efforts.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8688112
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:06 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Hi there , this should be normal. I hope it sticks and he ups his efforts.

I hope so too.

Then again i have made it clear that i cannot function when this sick and everyone needs to step up big time. I will no longer be working myself to death cleaning and tending to any of them. They are all capable.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8688113
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:43 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Self love is not selfish.

A message buried in a pack of inspirational quotes, now posted on my fridge.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 669   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8688235
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:40 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Self love is not selfish

.

I do know this but its difficult to make happen when everyone around me says im being a selfish bitch for wanting to put myself first.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8688247
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 1:05 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

It is a recognized, though not good, response to double up on some controlling behavior when perceived control slips.

'Mom, I need your help' becomes 'MOM! You gotta do this -nowww-!'

Stay strong. Remember that we teach others how to treat us by what we accept.

Good luck.

Me: 2xBS b 1962
xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5095   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8688251
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 1:24 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

I no longer respond to demands. And i only respond to requests asked politely.

This goes not only for the kids but wh as well. If he has even the slightest attitude or tone i ignore him. Of course then I am giving HIM attitude.... rolleyes

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8688254
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 8:48 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I am right there with you. I have not been without my almost 2 year old since he was born. Wh just wont watch him.

I asked him to watch the baby while i went to PT on Saturday (DD usually watches him but was not home). I asked teo days in advance. I got him greasy fast food the night before… all was good… then 6 am (we sleep in separate rooms) i get a text, "you only got drinks for you at the store. Where is my Gatorade? You can take the baby to PT today"

duh

My husband is an asshole, but i get the "he wont watch the kids" thing.

Even when everyone is asleep, im so tired i dont even brush my teeth. I go days without a shower just to veg out with my phone in bed before i go to sleep (the thought of getting up and doing something is horrible at that point in my tiredness)

I totally get helping your kids look for the shoes. I would too, just so the teachers wouldnt look at my kid and think bad mom!

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8689773
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I do know this but its difficult to make happen when everyone around me says im being a selfish bitch for wanting to put myself first.

They're selfish little bitches for wanting you to put THEM first. Also, the people to whom you've catered forever do NOT like it when things start to change and you start to take care of your needs first. It ALWAYS causes an uproar, but they'll get used to it. You have to retrain them how to treat you.

"you only got drinks for you at the store. Where is my Gatorade? You can take the baby to PT today"

I'd plop the baby in his lap and walk out the door. That's friggin' ridiculous.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8689778
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

I totally get helping your kids look for the shoes. I would too, just so the teachers wouldnt look at my kid and think bad mom!

I felt awful that all thr kids had new shoes but her for the first day of school. She had new indoors but not outdoors.

It didnt last long though thankfully although i had to go to a few stores to finally find a pair in her size. End of season for running shoes of course and supply sucked.

Go figure the boys were cleaning their room this weekend and found her shoes...in DS dresser... rolleyes

Gotta your husband needs the jerk of the year award. Seriously you need to kick his ass out.

With being sick and run down i have done squat lately. The kids help with dinner or dont eat. They clean up after themselves because i refuse to.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8689857
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:20 AM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Hey Dragn...

With that Neti pot, be sure you use distilled water.

I’ve heard using tap water can really make things worse.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7214   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8691128
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:52 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Ya our tap water is nasty so distilled for sure. smile

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8691182
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