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Divorce/Separation :
How to deal with divorcing a remorseful WS

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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 9:14 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Ok, I decided to meet her, but refused to meet her in privat and offered her lunch at a restaurant to minimalize a chance she would turn it into another "let's get back together" attempt. She needs me sign something regarding preschool, so it looks like a valid reason so far.

We are on a good terms, and still it's so hard. Can't imagine how that goes when your partner turns to a horrible person or the A continues. It's a challenge as it is, and I have it relatively easy. Just a bit down these days I guess.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8688720
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 12:09 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

It’s always darkest before the dawn.
And your mood has been so dark of late, as was hers earlier on … was.

Noses and faces and the cutting thereof.
Consider the consequences.

Only a strong man can forgive.
Forgiveness. Recovery.
A way forward?

posts: 6   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8688729
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 3:07 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

You are doing a good job @MrFlibble. I followed your threads from the beginning and you made the right choice.

From my perspective, your wife seems to have a mental disorder because of her constant need of validation or rather Ego Strokes from other men. It was a good decision to jump boat.

[This message edited by Bezuidenhout at 3:10 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8688754
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

She needs me sign something regarding preschool, so it looks like a valid reason so far.

This couldn't be done during kid pass off because? Or with the kids present? I don't think your stbx is a horrible person. Just one that really doesn't want to be your ex and is selfish enough to damage you further on the slightest chance she can avoid D.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688757
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 9:54 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

svengundenblum Yes, forgivness and recovery is the only way forward. What else is new? Dwellimg on all the negative stuff won't get me anywhere, but that's without saying. But I still have a lot of grieving to do, we both have

Bezuidenhout I wouldn't call it mental disorder, more like a personality trait. A really bad one, one that needs a lot of work to overcome. That't up to her. I am not saying that I won't support her in her struggle, but I am not letting her to pull me into it more than is necessary.

grubs I wanted to meet her in public and not in a private settings. And I wanted to speak to her, too. No matter how cold or detached I might seem here (from time to time), I still do care about her well-being

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 2:00 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I see, that's very sad. Now the kids have to grow up in a broken home because of her bad personality trait. Didn't you pick this trait up at the beginning of the relationship? So you could of saved yourself from all this grieving? I wonder what she expected the outcome to be? How was your marriage prior to her going back to work?

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8688953
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:12 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

A broken home IMO is two parents who live together but in an unhealthy way. Addiction or cheating or abuse — whatever — that is the broken home.

The home is not broken the cheater is!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688959
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 2:55 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

According to google -

broken home
noun

a family in which the parents are divorced or separated.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8688970
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 8:29 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Alright, I know it’s not any of my damned business, but,

if I were in your shoes

because at one time maybe i was

I might just go for the "Hail Mary"

because

what the hell have I got to lose at this point? My effing pride? Oh yeah, like I’ve got lots of that left.


And, if she doesn’t drop the ball, now or ever again, maybe we can still win the game.

posts: 6   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8689082
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 1:22 AM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Bezuidenhout I wrote a reply, but before I hit send it got deleted, twice! Frustrating as hell, so sorry for a late reply. But I had a great day today so I decided to come back for another try

Didn't you pick this trait up at the beginning of the relationship? So you could of saved yourself from all this grieving?


Well, I always knew she had troubles with her self-image. So I offered her lots of compliments (honest) and positive remarks. But we have been together for so long, and got together so young that it was easy to get used to it and don't put too much thought into it. I got blind to it over the time I guess. But she never left the impression she's looking outside our relationship/marriage. It came completely out of the blue, but I knew basically from the beginning that something was wrong. Like crazy fast, in few weeks, way before it got physical. I just knew. I only wish I was more direct and pushing, maybe I would nip it before it got out of hand. Those are scenarios I like to play out in my head to torture myself even more. But not so much these days, thankfully


I wonder what she expected the outcome to be?


There was never to be any outcome. I think that's a common believe among cheaters. They don't think about consequences because they don't expect them. It started slow, in small increments over a period of time when every step was just a bit more and before she took her head out of her ass it was too late. She was too deep and even though she knew very well what she's doing is wrong and has a potential to ruin her family, she had to have her fix of feelsgoodaboutmyself from him. It wasn't about me, or our marriage, only about her. I wasn't even present in her thought process.

How was your marriage prior to her going back to work?

Solid. We were "that couple", people were asking us how we did it. I spoke about our marriage in the beginning, in my original post, or maybe on that other forum where I started before I came to SI. You can find it if you want, not that it matters now

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8689221
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 2:33 AM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Also, I just wanted to give you a tiny update on my state of mind.

The court hearing is in 10 days, and even though it hurts like bitch, I am now 100% sure it's for the best.

For both of us.

It took me almost a year to come to this conclusion. A year of broken promises, lies, honest truths, fighting, tears, sleepless nights and so much talking I feel like I ran out of words for the rest of my life. We spent hours at times going over everything. We slept on a sofa in our living room, functioned on 3h of sleep only to do it again that very night. We fought, we comforted each other, we yelled, we cried and we promised and begged.

But I have to say one thing - I don't regret it. I don't think it was a time wasted. I HAD to try, for my family, for my STBXW, and for me. I know we end our marriage and all between us is not resolved, but that's expected. We spent 14 years together. 14 ducking years. Almost half our lives. We are imprinted in each other, forever. But sometimes things just don't end up how we want them, no matter how we wish and and how hard we try.

Please don't take this as a failure. It's not a defeat, nor a victory. Just one of the multiple ways out of this horrible situation. An outcome. At some point you need to stop the bleeding before it's too late and you bleed to death.

Everybody is different, every story is unique. But ultimately, the only thing that can help you heal is time.

You might take a swift action, resolve everything within weeks, get divorced in 2 months, leave it all behind and move 10 hours away, but no matter how fast you act, your feelings will catch up with you. And they will do it way slower than you wish.

And when they finally do, it hits you like a ton of bricks. But you need to live it, own it because there is no hiding from it. Cry, rage, kick a wall, wallow in a self-pity, do all that because it needs to be done. It takes time, but you will know when you make peace with it, trust me. So, time.

Second thing that helped me the most was a physical distance. Until you separete yourself physicaly, you can't do it emotionaly. I tried, so hard I tried, but to no avail. I thought I was doing great but then we spoke, or she came to see kids and I was back to squre one.

I harshly underestimated the power she had over me.

I am not saying she used it against me, but it was something I struggled with tremedously. I missed her touch, I missed her kind words, I missed the sex. It messes with your head, especially when your WS is doing all the right things in your eyes and you know how easy it would be. Just one word from you and it will all be gone. But it won't, It won't be gone. You can hide it all under a blanket of hysterical bonding and love-bombing, but it will inevitably come back. It won't just go away. But it's so dangerously tempting.

I know many of you sense that all this with my STBXW is not a closed chapter for me, far from it. And you are right. I won't deny it. I won't pretend that her attempts to get back together don't give me a pause. They do. But I don't want to give her a false hope, not until I am 100% sure I am able to see a future with her down the road, maybe years from now. I don't want to lead her on in case I find out all this was just an aftermath of this whole mess and it wasn't real.

So for now, we are strictly co-parents. And we are great at it, today's exhibit A.

If you read it whole all the way here, thank you. And sorry for this mess, it came right out of my mind and the whole thing looks like a college dorm on a Saturday morning. I will try to clean it up for a next time.

MrFlibble

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8689225
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 6:48 AM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

I know many of you sense that all this with my STBXW is not a closed chapter for me, far from it. And you are right. I won't deny it. I won't pretend that her attempts to get back together don't give me a pause. They do.

Nice update, Mr. F.
It seems like you're almost at the end of the line. By the way, have you communicated with your STBXW that the door is not totally closed for an R? Or you only keep it within yourself for now? I believe your initial communication with her was to D with a possibility for R, then you changed it to D and no looking back. But based on this latest update you're still not totally closing the door for her. At least you're still honest about what you feel.

All the best!

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8689237
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 10:36 AM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Thank you for the update @MrFlibble. I'm glad you made up your mind.. I noticed multiple times in your thread that you mentioned your exwife affair was never about sex, however you went on to say that plans were made with the AP? Unless I'm misreading something?

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8689242
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Walkthestorm ( new member #72157) posted at 1:30 PM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

I can sense the sadness, pain and ambivalence in your posts.

I just noticed one detail in your last post that stood out for me. You wrote that you don't want to lead her on if you are not 100% sure that you see a future with her, maybe years down the road.

First off, no one can be 100% sure. You won't ever completely be sure even years down the line. Netiher will or can she.

Second, if you are truly letting her go, then also let go of the notion that one day you may get back together. It may end up happening but chances are she will have moved on and so will you. Don't give yourself false hope here.If you have made peace with your decision to divorce then give the hopium up too.

If you still love your wife and are willing to take a chance of uncertainty you have 10 days to make a final decision.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8689247
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straightup ( new member #78778) posted at 7:12 PM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

I agree with Walkthestorm. Also, co/parenting will still happen when new partners come in, but it will not be the same as it is now. You are unlikely to be co/parenting much then, in the sense of sharing. You will be taking shifts. The new partners are unlikely to, and should not, allow there to be expression of a well of mutual feeling between you. At best, business like. And maybe worse than that. Better than ongoing trauma and infidelity to be sure. Worse than successful R. Just don’t fool yourself that D will be good. It may be necessary but will have its awful aspects outside of your control.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 20   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8689270
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 2:42 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

I am sorry you took from my post that I am hanging onto some false hope and notion that no matter what, we will end up happily back together. That's not the case. My hope is we will transition into successful great parents to our kids. And if those last few weeks could be taken for a proof, I believe we will make it.

When it comes to my STBXW, I made it clear that now it's time to heal, for both of us. And it can't be done while we are still maried to each other. Her transgressions were too severe for our marriage to survive and it was already done deal the moment she invited the advances of other man and introduced a third person into our marriage, no matter her intentions and whys. What came later was just prolonging the inevitable. Now she does not bombard me with R questions, doesn't question my motives for D and is very cooperative on every level. She is as compassionate as one can be. She asks me what can she do to help me. And then she goes and does it.

But make no mistake, I am not in an unicorn fart land. No matter how good things are now we are divorcing. And I know it's not some hateful and spiteful divorce, where we hit the other with everything we have just to inflict as much pain as possible. But it's still a divorce. It's heartbreaking. And I have done my fair share of mourning and grieving.

Now I look forward.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8689351
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Well said MrFlibble. When your divorce is finalized you should start a new thread in "New Beginnings".

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8689389
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Mr F - if R down the road is still what your WW truly desires, then watch her actions. Whether you date or not, whether you may eventuality want to R or not, it doesn’t matter. If she starts seeing other people than you have your answer on her real desire to R.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 1:25 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Your STBXW deserves to be divorced. But, she also has the right to resume her life certainly after the divorce is final. That includes seeing other men. That is what happens when couples divorce. They are allowed to date. The commitment not to date expires upon divorce. No one here, nor you Mr. Fibble, should cast dispersions for dating on her once the divorce is complete. You co-parent and go on with your lives. Your STBXW should exercise judgment and not introduce to the children everyone she dates. Hopefully, that will be reserved for someone with whom she is serious. MR. Fibble should abide by the same standard.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8689471
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 5:02 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

I noticed multiple times in your thread that you mentioned your exwife affair was never about sex, however you went on to say that plans were made with the AP? Unless I'm misreading something?

Well, it wasn't really. It was a currency she used to get out of him what she wanted. They simply used each other. He wanted to get into her pants, she wanted his attention to feel good about herself. And he provided only in exchange for physical stuff. Slowly pushed for more, she provided to get her fix, and that ultimate line was danced on on multiple occasions. I am still not sure what was the real reason was she never crossed that line

src9043, we obviously spoke about future, a lot actually. Expectations, wants and fears. I plan on using the following months to focus on myself and mainly our kids. I do not plan on dating

I will come back later because there are few things I would like to adress. But I am heading out in a bit and taking my SIL for a dinner. She has been my (and my STBXW's) rock through this and I want to show her some appreciation.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8689546
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