Also, I just wanted to give you a tiny update on my state of mind.
The court hearing is in 10 days, and even though it hurts like bitch, I am now 100% sure it's for the best.
For both of us.
It took me almost a year to come to this conclusion. A year of broken promises, lies, honest truths, fighting, tears, sleepless nights and so much talking I feel like I ran out of words for the rest of my life. We spent hours at times going over everything. We slept on a sofa in our living room, functioned on 3h of sleep only to do it again that very night. We fought, we comforted each other, we yelled, we cried and we promised and begged.
But I have to say one thing - I don't regret it. I don't think it was a time wasted. I HAD to try, for my family, for my STBXW, and for me. I know we end our marriage and all between us is not resolved, but that's expected. We spent 14 years together. 14 ducking years. Almost half our lives. We are imprinted in each other, forever. But sometimes things just don't end up how we want them, no matter how we wish and and how hard we try.
Please don't take this as a failure. It's not a defeat, nor a victory. Just one of the multiple ways out of this horrible situation. An outcome. At some point you need to stop the bleeding before it's too late and you bleed to death.
Everybody is different, every story is unique. But ultimately, the only thing that can help you heal is time.
You might take a swift action, resolve everything within weeks, get divorced in 2 months, leave it all behind and move 10 hours away, but no matter how fast you act, your feelings will catch up with you. And they will do it way slower than you wish.
And when they finally do, it hits you like a ton of bricks. But you need to live it, own it because there is no hiding from it. Cry, rage, kick a wall, wallow in a self-pity, do all that because it needs to be done. It takes time, but you will know when you make peace with it, trust me. So, time.
Second thing that helped me the most was a physical distance. Until you separete yourself physicaly, you can't do it emotionaly. I tried, so hard I tried, but to no avail. I thought I was doing great but then we spoke, or she came to see kids and I was back to squre one.
I harshly underestimated the power she had over me.
I am not saying she used it against me, but it was something I struggled with tremedously. I missed her touch, I missed her kind words, I missed the sex. It messes with your head, especially when your WS is doing all the right things in your eyes and you know how easy it would be. Just one word from you and it will all be gone. But it won't, It won't be gone. You can hide it all under a blanket of hysterical bonding and love-bombing, but it will inevitably come back. It won't just go away. But it's so dangerously tempting.
I know many of you sense that all this with my STBXW is not a closed chapter for me, far from it. And you are right. I won't deny it. I won't pretend that her attempts to get back together don't give me a pause. They do. But I don't want to give her a false hope, not until I am 100% sure I am able to see a future with her down the road, maybe years from now. I don't want to lead her on in case I find out all this was just an aftermath of this whole mess and it wasn't real.
So for now, we are strictly co-parents. And we are great at it, today's exhibit A.
If you read it whole all the way here, thank you. And sorry for this mess, it came right out of my mind and the whole thing looks like a college dorm on a Saturday morning. I will try to clean it up for a next time.